View source for Much Tofu About Nothing/transcript

{{PatrickStarShow EpisodeTr}}
{{L|''[The episode opens with a shot of a book. A hand opens it to reveal Patrick in a bard outfit, badly playing a lute. He notices the viewer and looks shocked.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Huh? Oh, good day! I am Pat-Thos. ''[leans out of book]'' Wouldst thou care to join me for a song and a tale? ''[plays rock music]'' Oooooh... ''[the hand slams the book shut, he peeks out of the pages]'' OK, OK! ''[grunts and pushes book open]'' We'll skip the song. ''[stands on book]'' Let me tell thee a tale. ''[jumps off book]'' 'Tis a juicy tale, ''[flips page to show Hamdonia]'' a tale of a fabled and delicious land called Hamdonia!}}
{{L|''[Zoom into the book to show a Hamdonian castle. Winged sausages fly past. King Pork Chop is seen on his throne.]''}}
{{L|Pork Chop|''[humming]'' Ooh! Today is a very special day in the Kingdom of Hamdonia. For today, my daughter, Princess Hamhock... ''[takes out a roll of photos]'' Will finally meet the man she is going to marry. ''[bells ring]'' Trumpets!}}
{{L|''[A fanfare is played.]''}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Prince Shmeat, enter the royal hall!}}
{{L|''[Shmeat walks into the hallway.]''}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[thinking]'' Oh, all eyes on me, eh? Oh, what do you know? What do you think about that?}}
{{L|Admirers|''[all sigh dreamily]''}}
{{L|Pork Chop|''[giggles as Shmeat approaches]''}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[bows]'' Milord.}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Ooh, what a handsome hunk of processed meat you are!}}
{{L|Shmeat|Thank you, milord.}}
{{L|Pork Chop|And now, I give you my beautiful daughter's hand in marr-i-age. ''[calling]'' Oh, Princess Hamhock!}}
{{L|''[A fanfare plays. The hallway remains empty. Everyone pauses.]''}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Come on down, pumpkin.}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|''[comes running in, panicked]'' Milord! Milord! ''[breathes heavily, trips on floor and skids]'' Oof!}}
{{L|Admirers|''[cringing]'' Yeesh!}}
{{L|''[Sir Frankfurter slides on his face up to Pork Chop.]''}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Sir Frankfurter, what is the meaning of this?}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|''[lifts head up, has face squashed, it pops back to normal]'' The princess is missing!}}
{{L|Pork Chop, Shmeat, and admirers|''[gasp]''}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Holy meatballs! ''[panicked]'' Where is she? Where is she? ''Where is she!?''}}
{{L|''[Outside the castle, Princess Hamhock runs with her dog Greasy. Tofu Todd runs in the opposite direction.]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[giggles]'' Tofu Todd!}}
{{L|Todd|Princess Hamhock!}}
{{L|''[They spin each other around and giggle.]''}}
{{L|Todd|Oh, Princess Hamhock, I love you so. Let us be married and live happily ever after! ''[Hamhock drops him]'' Oh!}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[whimpers]'' Oh, Todd, my father would never approve of you. You're plant-based! ''[sobs]''}}
{{L|Greasy|''[barks]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|Not now, Greasy. Todd, I--}}
{{L|Greasy|''[barks]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[drops Todd, annoyed]'' What ''is'' it, Greasy?}}
{{L|Greasy|''[panting as two guards approach]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|Huh? Oh...}}
{{L|Guard|''[bangs axe]'' Princess Hamhock, you're late to your own wedding.}}
{{L|Hamhock|Why, you'd have to drag me back there.}}
{{L|Guard|As you wish, milady.}}
{{L|''[The guard throws a net over Hamhock, Greasy, and Todd.]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|Huh?}}
{{L|''[They yelp as they are pulled away. Ham transition back to Pork Chop's castle.]''}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Princess, you ''will'' marry Prince Shmeat, and that is that!}}
{{L|Hamhock|But Father, I'm in love with ''[shows him]'' Tofu Todd.}}
{{L|Todd|Hi, Your Highness.}}
{{L|Pork Chop|The royal princess simply cannot marry a man who isn't ''[bangs fist on table]'' pork based.}}
{{L|Hamhock|But Father, there must be some way for me to marry ''[embraces Todd]'' the man I love.}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|''[comes running in, holding a book]'' Milord, milord!}}
{{L|''[He trips and skids into the book face-first. Its ribbon drapes over him like a squirt of mustard.]''}}
{{L|Voice|Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs!}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|My lord, ''[points to book]'' according to the Book of Baloney, there ''is'' a way for a princess to marry a plant-based peon.}}
{{L|Pork Chop|What!?}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|It says here, "A commoner may marry a royal if he defeats the king's chosen suitor in a series of games known as the Feats of Meats."}}
{{L|Hamhock and Todd|''[happily]'' Oh!}}
{{L|''[Todd runs up to Shmeat.]''}}
{{L|Todd|Prince Shmeat, I challenge ''[pokes him]'' ''you'' to the Feats of Meats!}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[pushes him away, laughs]'' Do you really want to humiliate yourself in front of the entire kingdom?}}
{{L|Todd|Well, not exactly.}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[shakes his hand]'' Too late. I accept your challenge.}}
{{L|''[Another slice of meat transitions to the grounds outside the castle. Pork Chop, Hamhock, and Greasy are spectating. The crowds are full of meat people.]''}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Let the games begin!}}
{{L|Audience|''[cheering, applause]''}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|''[inhales deeply, plays fanfare on trumpet]'' First event, archery!}}
{{L|''[Shmeat and Todd show up with bows and shake hands.]''}}
{{L|Todd|May the best food product win.}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[thinking rapidly]'' Yeah, well that's not you, it's me, see. Tofu's not even a food. Is it? Is tofu a food? I don't know.}}
{{L|''[Todd approaches the target and lifts up his legs. He pulls the arrow back.]''}}
{{L|Todd|''[thinking]'' Well, here I am, a boy and his bow. ''[grunts]'' And boy, oh, boy, is this bow hard to pull. ''[pants, grunts, tries to pull it using his legs for support on the arrow, fires it and slices himself in half]''}}
{{L|Audience|''[gasps]''}}
{{L|Todd|Oh, bean curd.}}
{{L|''[The arrow lands short of its target.]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[worried gasp]'' Todd!}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Oh, my dear, your Todd isn't half the man you thought he was, is he? ''[laughs]''}}
{{L|Shmeat|I could do this with my eyes closed! ''[retreats his body into his can and fires the bow with his feet, which hits its target]''}}
{{L|Audience|''[cheering, applause]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[holds Greasy]'' Oh, Greasy. I don't think Tofu Todd can pull this off without a little help.}}
{{L|Greasy|''[smiles, barks]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[hugs him]'' Sounds like a plan!}}
{{L|''[Meat transition to Sir Frankfurter announcing round 2.]''}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|''[plays fanfare]'' Second event, jousting! Uh-oh.}}
{{L|''[Shmeat and his horse are riding towards him. The horse neighs. Sir Frankfurter runs away.]''}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|''[screams]''}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[laughs, then thinks]'' Oh, time to make a little shish-ka-Todd. Yeah, I've got to turn up the heat on that guy, hmm?}}
{{L|''[Todd struggles to mount his horse, and gets on backwards. He grabs the bridle and reaches for his lance, but the horse goes off without him.]''}}
{{L|Todd|Oof! Whooooa! ''[lands on horse]'' Whoa! Golly, I think somebody gave me a backwards horse.}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[to Greasy]'' OK, remember our plan.}}
{{L|''[She drops him off the stands and he runs around the track, barking and leaving a grease trail. He shakes himself off and spills grease in Shmeat's track. Shmeat's horse slips on it and bucks him off.]''}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[screaming, crashes into tower]''}}
{{L|Audience|''[cheering, applause]''}}
{{L|Todd|Huh? Hot dog, I just won round two!}}
{{L|''[Bacon transition to Shmeat and Todd standing on a giant lit barbecue. Shmeat has a piece of ham and Todd has a carrot.]''}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|''[blows trumpet]'' And now, the final trial in the Feats of Meats, the barbecue battle!}}
{{L|Todd|''[grunts, lifts up carrot]'' For the hand of Princess Hamhock, I challenge thee! ''[carrot droops]'' Huh?}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[thinking]'' Oh, challenge me, will he? ''[rubs hands together]'' Well, I'll show him a thing or two. ''[slams the ham against the barbecue, making Todd wobble]''}}
{{L|Todd|''[helmet falls on his head, he lifts it up]''}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[laughs]''}}
{{L|Pork Chop|''[clapping]'' Most excellent! Most excellent!}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[angry]'' I oughta--hmmph! ''[gets idea]'' I've got just the thing to ''[winks]'' motivate my man. ''[takes her hat's cloth off and a new one grows back, waves it at Todd]'' Yoo-hoo, Tofu Todd! ''[blows kiss, giggles]''}}
{{L|Hamhock's kiss|Mwah, mwah!}}
{{L|Todd|''[blushes]'' Gosh, is that for me?}}
{{L|Shmeat|Ah! ''[grabs the kiss]''}}
{{L|Todd|Huh?}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[eats the kiss, laughs]''}}
{{L|Todd|For love and honor!}}
{{L|''[He stabs Shmeat in the stomach with his carrot, making him spit out the kiss. Todd gets kissed on the cheek and blushes.]''}}
{{L|Todd|Golly!}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[thinking]'' Nobody pulls that stuff on me. I'll show you. ''[hits Todd with the meat]'' Batter up.}}
{{L|Todd|''[flies through air]'' Whoa!}}
{{L|Hot dog caller|''[next to "Ye Olde Heavy Objects" stand]'' Heavy objects! Heavy objects for sale!}}
{{L|''[Todd crashes into the stand. An anvil, bowling balls, an elephant, and his helmet fall on him.]'']''}}
{{L|Hamhock|Oh!}}
{{L|Crowd|Shmeat! Shmeat! Shmeat!}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[runs up to Todd]'' Oh, no! ''[to camera]'' This looks bad, folks!}}
{{L|Greasy|''[whimpers, goes up to Todd and lifts his eyelids, showing the words "Out Cold"]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|Oh, poor Todd. ''[looks at his helmet]'' Hmm? Hmm! ''[thinking]'' I got an idea. ''[a lightbulb pops up]''}}
{{L|Lightbulb|''[thinking]'' I got an idea, too. Leave me alone when I'm sleeping. No respect, I tell you. Huh! ''[turns itself off and poofs away]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[to camera]'' Huh? Well, golly!}}
{{L|Crowd|Shmeat! Shmeat! Shmeat!}}
{{L|''[Shmeat waves to the audience and laughs. Hamhock jumps into the barbecue holding the carrot, with Todd's helmet covering her face.]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|For the hand of Princess Hamhock, I challenge thee!}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Hummina-wha? Hummina-who? What's going on?}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|Why, it's Tofu Todd, returned to fight. The contest continues!}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Ooh, how exciting! Fight on.}}
{{L|Crowd|''[gasps]'' Todd! Todd! Todd!}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[thinking]'' Oh, back for a second helping, eh? ''[rolls up sleeves and adjusts can]'' Well, time to give this little twerp what for. ''[to Hamhock]'' Tofu Todd, I meet your challenge.}}
{{L|Hamhock|Well met. But first, look over there, behind you!}}
{{L|Shmeat|Huh? ''[turns around]'' Okey-doke. I don't see anything.}}
{{L|''[Hamhock uses the carrot to grab Shmeat's can's lid and pulls it off, leaving him naked. A spotlight shines on his butt, and the words "SIRLOIN RUMP" appear on it.]''}}
{{L|Crowd|''[laughing]''}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[thinking]'' Oh! How embarra-skin. Talk about being the butt of the joke. It's mortifying, I tell you. Mortifying!}}
{{L|''[Hamhock whips Shmeat with the carrot, making him come apart. She pokes him with it and he runs away yelping.]''}}
{{L|Greasy|''[drops banana peel on barbecue, snickers]''}}
{{L|Shmeat|Whoa! ''[slips on banana and falls face-first on the grill, creating a cloud of smoke and turning into a piece of sushi]''}}
{{L|Sir Frankfurter|The prince has been grilled and musubi'd. Tofu Todd is the winner!}}
{{L|Crowd|Todd! Todd! Todd!}}
{{L|Pork Chop|''[clapping]'' I simply must congratulate my daughter's brave suitor! ''[walks down the stairs and shakes Hamhock]'' Excellently done, Tofu Todd! Most excellent, indeed!}}
{{L|Todd|Fret not, your lordship. ''[staggers and falls on his face, has dizzy clouds shaped like chickens]'' Oof! ''[looks up]'' Tofu Todd, your brave knight, has returned to the battle. ''[falls again]''}}
{{L|Pork Chop|What's this? ''Two'' Tofu Todds? ''[spins Hamhock's helmet off her head]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[gasps]''}}
{{L|Audience|Todd! Todd! Princess?}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Now, Princess, this was Tofu Todd's battle, not yours. Which means--}}
{{L|Shmeat|''[on top of sushi]'' Which means you've got to marry ''[points to self]'' me!}}
{{L|Hamhock|''[gasps]''}}
{{L|''[Fade to Hamhock in her wedding outfit, being married to Shmeat.]''}}
{{L|Priest|In sickness and in health. ''[Pork Chop smiles and tears up, while Greasy and Todd are sad]'' Now should the marriage of Princess Hamhock and Prince Shmeat not proceed for any reason, speak now or forever hold your peace.}}
{{L|Patrick|''[faintly]'' Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!}}
{{L|''[The ground rumbles. Patrick's mouth comes up under Shmeat and swallows him.]''}}
{{L|Shmeat|Aah!}}
{{L|Pork Chop|Egads! The Pointy Mouth of Doom returneth!}}
{{L|''[The Hamdonians scream and run away as Patrick eats through the room. He eats Sir Frankfurter.]''}}
{{L|Hamhock|Run for your lives!}}
{{L|''[Patrick bites behind Hamhock, licks her, and chews her. The Hamdonia background fades away to show the book, and his eyes become visible. He is sitting in a giant pile of meat.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|''[imitating meat]'' Ah! Help us! Save us! ''[chomping]'' And then the Pointed Maw ate the whole wedding! And-and-and-- ''[gets hit by a lute]'' oof!}}
{{L|Squidina|''[in a bard outfit]'' Uh-uh-uh. No more eating beloved characters.}}
{{L|Patrick|''[spits out Todd and Hamhock into his mouth and drops them into Squidina's hand]''}}
{{L|Hamhock and Todd|Oof! ''[they get up and dance]''}}
{{L|Squidina|''[to audience]'' Goodnight, folks!}}
{{L|Hamhock and Todd|''[giggling]''}}
{{L|''[Iris out. Hamhock gives Todd a kiss.]''}}
{{L|Todd|''[blushes]'' Golly!}}