View source for SpongeGuard on Duty/transcript

{{EpisodeTranscript}}
{{L|French Narrator|Ah, Goo Lagoon. Where the sun is hot and the sunbathers are oh so cool. ''[SpongeBob is laying on his back on a towel]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|What a beautiful day.}}
{{L|Patrick|You said it, pal.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Can you believe that sun? ''[Patrick's eyes are singed]''}}
{{L|Patrick|I could look at it all day. ''[SpongeBob sits up then takes his sunglasses off]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Uh... Patrick? ''[Patrick's eyes go back to normal after he takes a drink]''}}
{{L|Patrick|What?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Nothing.}}
{{L|Patrick|So, how's that tan coming?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|I don't know. Let me check. ''[lifts his pants and looks at his tan]'' Looking good. How's yours?}}
{{L|Patrick|Just a minute. ''[lifts his shorts and screams because his rear-end is showing, then lays on his stomach]'' I could have sworn I was laying on my back. ''[both laugh as a swarm of people run by them. Larry is lifting six people on a surfboard. Everyone cheers and chants his name]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey, it's Larry, the lifeguard! ''[three girls walk up to Larry]''}}
{{L|Nancy Suzy Fish|Mr. Lifeguard, can I feel your muscle?}}
{{L|Larry|Sure. Don't scratch the paint. ''[Nancy and her friends run off after feeling Larry's muscles. Scooter and his friends come up next]''}}
{{L|Scooter|Lifeguard, how's the tubage?}}
{{L|Larry|Gnarly, dudes!}}
{{L|Scooter and friends|All right, yeah! Woohoo! ''[Scooter and his friends run off as an elderly couple come up]''}}
{{L|Dennis|Lifeguard, can you point out the snack bar?}}
{{L|Larry|Right over there! But you guys are way too old and unsightly for my beach. And I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.}}
{{L|Mabel|''[both walk off]'' So polite.}}
{{L|Dennis|Just like we raised him.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|What a guy. Is it any wonder he's so popular? Just imagine... if I were a lifeguard. ''[imagines himself in a lifeguard watchtower]'' That would be so cool!}}
{{L|Patrick|Oh, what do you want to be a lifeguard for? Nobody really likes those guys. ''[Larry is being carried by a bunch of fish]'' Being a lifeguard is so dumb. All they do is blow, blow, blow on their stupid whistles, rub, rub, rub that white stuff on their noses and show off their gross misshapen bodies! ''[his belly expands. Nat walks by]''}}
{{L|Nat|''[points at Patrick's belly]'' Dude, put that thing away. There are, like, children here. ''[Patrick pushes his belly fat into his feet]''}}
{{L|Patrick|I'm going to the snack bar. ''[walks off]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Who needs to be a lifeguard? I'm cool. ''[zooms into a geek-like looking SpongeBob]'' I'm every bit as cool as Larry. And if I'm not, let me be struck by... ''[thunder roars]'' ...a flying ice cream truck. ''[an ice cream truck with wings comes falling down]'' And live! ''[the ice cream truck slows down and lands on top of SpongeBob, then drives away. SpongeBob's towel flies away]''}}
{{L|Larry|''[speaking into a megaphone]'' Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers! ''[As SpongeBob gets up, a vanilla ice cream cone falls off his nose]'' SpongeBob, you okay? ''[notices the vanilla on SpongeBob's nose and mistakes it for sunscreen]'' Hey! I didn't know you were a lifeguard.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Lifeguard?}}
{{L|Larry|The nose?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[swipes his finger on his nose to see the ice cream]'' White stuff! You think I'm a lifeguard?}}
{{L|Larry|Sure! There's no hiding the lifeguard look, SpongeBob, and you've got it.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|You really think so?}}
{{L|Larry|You bet I do. Say, we're a little shorthanded around here. How would you like to work the beach?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[high voice]'' I'd love it! ''[hugs Larry]''}}
{{L|Larry|Alright. ''[puts SpongeBob down]'' Leave that on the bench, Kahuna. Hey, Annette, come here! ''[a fish walks over]'' I want you to meet my buddy, SpongeBob.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Hi. ''[Annette kicks sand in his face]''}}
{{L|Larry|Babe, guy's a lifeguard. ''[Annette whistles as Nat, Shubie, and Bill run over and pick up SpongeBob]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|It works! ''[now wearing a suit similar to Larry's. Larry and SpongeBob walk around the beach blowing their whistles. Larry is putting lotion on Sadie and gives SpongeBob a thumbs-up. SpongeBob is putting lotion on Old Man Jenkins. Larry makes sand castles with children; SpongeBob lifts a bucket revealing an actual castle. The children play in the castle and Larry gives SpongeBob a thumbs up. Larry lifts some anchors as SpongeBob lifts two soda cups with straws for weights, Nat walks up and takes a cup, SpongeBob falls over on one side. Both hula dance playing ukuleles]'' Woohoo! That was the greatest, Larry!}}
{{L|Larry|Yeah! Say, how'd you like to take the second shift?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|By myself?}}
{{L|Larry|Only if you think you're ready. ''[SpongeBob holds up a jar of zinc-oxide]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|I'm not just ready. ''[puts some of the zinc-oxide on his nose]'' I'm ready, Freddy.}}
{{L|Larry|It's Larry. Well, I guess I'll just...}}
{{L|Fish #2|Help, help! ''[a fish struggles in the "water"]'' Help, help, help!}}
{{L|Larry|We've got a sinker! SpongeBob, let me take this. I haven't seen any action all day.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Action?}}
{{L|''[Larry runs across the beach and dives into the "water."]''}}
{{L|Fish #2|Please help, please help! ''[sinks "underwater." Larry goes "underwater" to rescue him. Everyone gasps. Larry emerges from the "water" holding the unconscious fish. Everyone cheers except SpongeBob]''}}
{{L|Larry|Breathe, darn you! ''[starts to punch the fish in the stomach. The fish regurgitates "water" and a book]''}}
{{L|Fish #2|That's the last time I read and swim! You saved my life!}}
{{L|Larry|Don't mention it. It's all part of the job. ''[walks up to SpongeBob, who is stunned]'' You know, SpongeBob, the babes and the big chair are great, but the best part is knowing you're the only thing that stands between these good people... ''[notice a sign that reads "Annual Hot Dog Chug" and everyone is rooting for Scooter, who is eating a bunch of hot dogs]'' ...and a "watery" grave. And that's what it's all about. ''[a boat drives up]'' Their lives are in your hands now, 'cause I got a date with a tanning booth. ''[jumps in the boat with Nancy, Pilar, and Shubie]'' See ya. ''[the boat drives off]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|But I... ''[an inner tube inflates around him]'' ...can't swim. Oh, if I'd known being a lifeguard meant guarding their lives, I would never have said yes! ''[throws the inner tube off]'' Maybe nothing will go wrong. Then when Larry comes back, I'll tell him I'm not interested. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? ''[imagines everyone in the lake turns into tombstones. He screams as his mouth forms a square, runs up to the lifeguard tower and rings the bell, then speaks into a megaphone]'' Emergency! Everybody out of the "water"! Hurry! Emergency! Out of the "water"! ''[the entire crowd runs out of the "water"]'' Emergency! ''[everyone wonders what is going on]'' Uhh... there are sharks in there! ''[a family of sharks is shown in the crowd]''}}
{{L|Father Shark|Hey, that's my family you're talking about!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Uhh... sea monster! ''[a giant, green sea monster walks over]''}}
{{L|Sea Monster|You know, we sea monsters have made great strides in the fields of science and literature. ''[walks off as he smacks SpongeBob with his tail]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Uhh, somebody went? ''[crowd of people are angry and go back to playing in the "water"]'' No, don't go! ''[screams whenever the fish are doing "dangerous" things in the "water" such as Harold splashing "water" at Annette, Frank "water skiing" with two female fish above him, two children playing catch the ball while inside a killer whale's mouth, and Frank the muscular fish hitting Scooter's head on a rock. He screams and then brings out an ice cream cart]'' Free ice cream! ''[everyone runs out of the "water" again and crowds around the cart]'' Plenty for everybody. One for you, one for you... okay, everybody got one? ''[everyone in the crowd eats their ice cream and sweet treats]'' A-ha, now I got ya! Now, you all have to wait one hour before you go swimming. ''[shows a clock. Everyone stops smiling]'' But just so you're not tempted... ''[ties everyone up with yellow "do not cross" tape including Scooter who is about to go surfing. He makes a bow-shaped knot after he's done tying everyone up]'' Ladies and gentlemen, the lagoon is closed.}}
{{L|Scooter|We like Larry better!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Does Larry ever give you ''[speaks into megaphone]'' free ice cream?!}}
{{L|Patrick|''[bursts out of a port-o-potty]'' Ice cream! ''[starts running around]'' Did somebody say ''[has toilet paper sticking out of his pants]'' ice cream? ''[runs up to the tape]'' Where is it? Is it here? ''[the words "do not cross" on the tape change into "ice cream", in which he speaks off-screen]'' Huh? ''[on-screen]'' Ice cream! Yay! ''[breaks through the tape and runs into the lagoon, laughing heartily, but then he gets an ache and cramped in his rear-end with sharks in the "water"]'' Cramp! ''[holds his behind]'' Ah! Ah! ''[begins to struggle in the "water"]''}}
{{L|Frank|''[notices Patrick struggling in the "water"]'' Holy cow! Somebody's drowning!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[lounging at the top of the lifeguard tower]'' Oh, no, that's not possible. The lagoon is closed. ''[tied up group of fish angrily walk over to the tower]''}}
{{L|Scooter|Dude, get your butt in the "water"!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|If there was anyone in there, we'd hear them.}}
{{L|Patrick|''[off-screen]'' Help, help! ''[SpongeBob stands up and takes off his shades, and Patrick blurbs off-screen]'' I can't swim! ''[blurbs again]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Somebody would be screaming that they're drowning.}}
{{L|Patrick|I'm drowning! I'm drowning! ''[blurbs]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|They would have to have crossed the line.}}
{{L|Patrick|I'm drowning 'cause I crossed the line!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[off-screen when he looks at the angry fish]'' Okay, I'll take a look, ''[on-screen when he takes out a pair of binoculars]'' but just to prove to you that... ''[his eyes become huge and break through the lenses of the binoculars]'' ...Patrick isn't drowning! ''[sees Patrick drowning]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Can't swim! ''[blurbs]'' Butt hurts! ''[blurbs again]'' Ice cream! ''[blurbs once again]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Hold on, Patrick! ''[jumps off the tower and runs to the shore, flailing his arms rapidly]'' I'm coming! ''[approaches the shore but stops to avoid touching the "water"]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Help, help! ''[blurbs]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Don't move! ''[gets a life preserver]'' Catch this! ''[screams when he throws it out to Patrick, but only lands about a foot out into the "water" with a life preserver sound]''}}
{{L|Harold|Quit foolin' around, man. Get in the "water".}}
{{L|Patrick|Help, help! ''[blurbs]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Oh, what am I gonna do? Got to think. ''[starts running in circles]'' Gotta think. Gotta run around and think. Gotta run around and think at the same time. Gotta think, gotta have a plan. Gotta think, think, think. ''[the shape of his body turns into a light-bulb as the bell dings]'' I've got it! ''[takes out a straw]'' Patrick can't drown if there isn't any "water"! ''[sets straw in "water" and begins slurping when he starts to suck out all the "water", he grows huge]'' Well, you're safe now, Patrick.}}
{{L|Patrick|''[inside SpongeBob]'' Help, I'm drowning, I've got butt cramps, I want ice cream, and now it's dark! ''[blurbs. The "water" splash is heard when SpongeBob spits all the "water" out. Patrick is drowning again]'' Help, help! ''[blurbs]'' Help me, I'm drowning! ''[blurbs off-screen]'' Help! ''[SpongeBob runs to a couple sitting in a boat, about to share a hot dog]''}}
{{L|Gus|To us. ''[he and Nancy are about to bite their hotdog when SpongeBob takes their boat and runs off. They make an angry look]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[comes back to return their hotdog]'' Sorry! Here's your hot dog. ''[hands them back their hot dog, then runs off and paddles the boat in the lagoon over to Patrick]'' Okay, Patrick, here I come! ''[Patrick is still flailing and screaming]'' Come, come round, Pat. Here I am. Pat, Pat. No, no! Hold it, hold it. Pat, Pat. Stop. No! Pat. Stop! Stop! '''Stop!''' ''[Patrick grabs the boat and starts tearing it apart in a desperate frenzy. SpongeBob ushers him to stop, but the boat is torn completely into pieces and SpongeBob is in the "water", too]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Oh, sorry. ''[he and SpongeBob start struggling in the "water." Patrick pushes SpongeBob "underwater" trying to stay afloat, then starts hitting SpongeBob with an anchor]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Help! Help us! We're drowning! ''[everyone who is tied up walks off whistling]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Goodbye, Patrick!}}
{{L|Patrick|Goodbye, ice cream!}}
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Help! Can't swim! Oh, no! ''[the two continue to struggle, Larry walks up behind them and picks them up, revealing that the "water" is very shallow, and only up to his ankles]''}}
{{L|Larry|SpongeBob?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Yes, Larry?}}
{{L|Larry|You're not a lifeguard, are you?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|No, Larry.}}
{{L|Larry|''[carries SpongeBob and Patrick in his hands]'' Let's go, guys. ''[bubbles change scene to SpongeBob and Patrick paddling in a kiddie pool]'' Very good. You fellas are learning fast.}}
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Ow! Butt cramps!}}
{{L|Patrick|And I still don't have my ice cream.}}