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(SpongeBob and Patrick are standing in front of the pineapple as the mailman comes walking by and puts a package into SpongeBob's mailbox)
{{EpisodeTranscript}}
 
{{L|''[SpongeBob and Patrick are standing in front of SpongeBob's house when the mailman comes walking by and puts a package into SpongeBob's mailbox.]''}}
SpongeBob & Patrick: It's here! (takes out the package and opens it)
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|It's here! ''[SpongeBob takes the package and opens it]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Behold, Patrick! The official Goofy Goober Backscratcher! And it only cost me 52 box tops.}}
SpongeBob: Behold, Patrick! The official Goofy Goober Back Scratcher! And it only cost me 52 box-tops.
{{L|Patrick|Wow.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|''[scratches his back with the backscratcher and grunts in pleasure]'' Ooh. Mm-hmm. Oh... Oh! Whoo! Oh, yeah, that's it!}}
Patrick: Wow.
{{L|Patrick|Let me try! ''[gets SpongeBob's arm, scratches his back]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Uh, Patrick, that's not the backscratcher. That's my arm.}}
SpongeBob: (scratches his back with the item) Ooh. Mm-hmm. Oh... Oh! Whoo! Oh, yeah, that's it!
{{L|Patrick|''[seeing his mistake] ''Oh, sorry. ''[reattaches his arm]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|You know, we shouldn't keep this all to ourselves. We should let Squidward try it out.}}
Patrick: Let me try! (uses the item to scratch his back)
{{L|Patrick|Yeah!}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob| ''[they start marching]'' Onward... to Squidward's house.}}
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, that's not the back scratcher. That's my arm.
{{L|Squidward|''[from inside]'' Go away!}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|To Sandy's house. ''[bubble transition to Sandy's treedome]'' Hey, Sandy, you gotta see this! ''[a bunch of inventions are torn up]'' Sandy? What's going on here?! Sandy, are you okay? ''[Sandy shudders]'' What's wrong, Sandy?}}
Patrick: Oh, sorry. (reattaches his arm)
{{L|Sandy|They're coming! They're coming! The chimps are coming!}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Who?}}
SpongeBob: You know, we shouldn't keep this all to ourselves. We should let Squidward try it out.
{{L|Sandy|My bosses! They're coming for an inspection! I've worked day and night for a week, but none of my inventions are any good. If I don't have a real impressive invention by this afternoon, they'll cut my funding, and I'll have to leave Bikini Bottom.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Oh, come on, Sandy. I'll bet you invented lots of useful things. This helmet looks impressive. ''[puts on the helmet with a peanut label on the forehead]'' What's it do?}}
Patrick: Yeah!
{{L|Sandy|It lets you talk to nuts. What use is that?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|''[takes out a peanut]'' SpongeBob to Peanut. Come in, Peanut. ''[a radio can be heard beeping]''}}
SpongeBob: Onward... to Squidward's house.
{{L|Patrick|What's it saying?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|It says... "It's dark in here." Got anything else, Sandy?}}
Squidward: Go away!
{{L|Sandy|There's my nuttaccino machine. It makes a nice, hot frothy cup of any nut you choose. ''[puts a peanut into the machine. The peanut screams, which makes SpongeBob sad]'' And lastly, my fully automated nutcracker. ''[turns it on. The nutcracker tries to crack open a nut, but it can't, and it gives up]'' Oh, I can't even make a simple nutcracker!}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|So it's got a few bugs. Patrick and I'll help you fix it. Right, Patrick? Patrick? ''[Patrick is using the backscratcher]'' Everything'll be fine.}}
SpongeBob: To Sandy's house. (cut to Sandy's treedome) Hey, Sandy, you gotta see this. (bunch of inventions are torn up inside the treedome) Sandy? What's going on here? Sandy, are you ok? (Sandy shudders) What's wrong, Sandy?
{{L|Sandy|Oh, it's no use, SpongeBob! I just have to face facts. I'm leaving Bikini Bottom because... I'm a failure.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|We can't let Sandy leave, Patrick!}}
Sandy: They're coming. They're coming. The chimps are coming.
{{L|Patrick|What'll we do?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|They're looking for an invention, right?}}
SpongeBob: Who?
{{L|Patrick|Right.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|So let's start inventing!}}
Sandy: My bosses. They're coming for an inspection. I've worked day and night for a week, but none of my inventions are any good. If I don't have a real impressive invention by this afternoon, they'll cut my funding, and I'll have to leave Bikini Bottom.
{{L|Patrick|Yeah! ''[bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick carrying a table. Patrick falls over the table]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|It's time to get serious, Patrick.}}
SpongeBob: Oh, come on, Sandy. I'll bet you invented lots of useful things. This helmet looks impressive. (puts on the helmet with a peanut label on the forehead) What's it do?
{{L|Patrick|Right! ''[crashes]'' I made an invention. It's a stick you can draw or write stuff with.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|That's a pencil, Patrick. It's already been invented. ''[more crashing]''}}
Sandy: It lets you talk to nuts. What use is that?
{{L|Patrick|Ooh, ooh, this is a good one! It's a glass ball that lights up so you can see in the dark.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Light bulb, already invented. ''[more grunting and crashing is heard]''}}
SpongeBob: (takes out a nut) SpongeBob to Peanut. Come in, Peanut. (shortwave radio beeping)
{{L|Patrick|SpongeBob, I know this one will work. I've invented a parallel universe.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|That's a mirror, Patrick. It's already been invented.}}
Patrick: What's it saying?
{{L|Patrick|Gaww! Somebody keeps stealing my ideas!}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob's reflection|''[in a Russian accent]'' Well, I thought it was a pretty good idea.}}
SpongeBob: It's saying... "It's dark in here." Got anything else, Sandy?
{{L|SpongeBob|''[the invention crashes]'' Ooh... I give up. I'll never invent anything. ''[acoustic guitar plays. It's Sandy]''}}
 
{{L|Sandy|♪ So long, Bikini Bottom, I can't leave without a good-bye. But please don't think bad of me, if'n I start to cry. So long, Bikini Bottom, there's so many things I'll miss, from your smoggy, crowded city, to your stingin' jellyfish. This town is filled with many things, that I've come to love. From the birds that fly upon the ground, to the flowers up above. Farewell, Bikini Bottom, now I really hate to go. 'Cause the things I'll miss the most of all, are the friends I've come to know. ♪}}
Sandy: There's my nuttachino machine. It makes a hot, frothy cup of any nut you choose. (puts the nut into the machine. The nuts screams which makes SpongeBob sad) And lastly, my fully automated nutcracker. (turns it on. The nutcracker tries to crack open a nut but it can't and gives up) Oh! I can't even make a simple nutcracker.
{{L|SpongeBob|''[he and Patrick cry]'' I'm ashamed of myself, Patrick. I gave up too quickly. We'll build Sandy's bosses an invention so amazing, they'll give Sandy funding forever! ''[bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick experimenting and building an invention. Bubble transition]'' We've done it, Patrick! We've created the greatest invention the world has ever seen! Patrick, they're here.}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Who?}}
SpongeBob: So, it's got a few bugs. Patrick and I'll help you fix it. Right Patrick? Patrick? (Patrick is using the backscratcher) Everything'll be fine.
{{L|SpongeBob|Sandy's bosses. ''[Patrick is clueless]'' The reason we spent all afternoon inventing!}}
 
{{L|Patrick|''[clueless]'' I have no idea what you're talking about. ''[they both exit the treedome to greet Sandy's bosses]''}}
Sandy: Oh, it's no use, SpongeBob. I just have to face facts. I'm leaving Bikini Bottom because... I'm a failure.
{{L|Chimp #1|Good day, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Professor Percy. This is Dr. Marmalade.}}
 
{{L|Dr. Marmalade|At your service.}}
SpongeBob: We can't let Sandy leave, Patrick.
{{L|Professor Percy|And this is Lord Reginald.}}
 
{{L|Lord Reginald|Charmed.}}
Patrick: What'll we do?
{{L|Patrick|You guys talk funny. Say more words!}}
 
{{L|Professor Percy|We are the board of directors of Tree Dome Enterprises Limited, and we are here to ascertain if Miss Cheeks's inventions are up to snuff.}}
SpongeBob: They're looking for an invention, right?
{{L|SpongeBob|Why, everyone in town has benefited from Sandy's scientific knowledge! Before Sandy showed up, I used to be a scrawny weakling!}}
 
{{L|Patrick|And I used to be dumb. ''[goofy laughter]''}}
Patrick: Right.
{{L|Professor Percy|Quite. And whom do I have the pleasure of addressing?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|My name is SpongeBob.}}
SpongeBob: So, let's start inventing!
{{L|Patrick|And I am Professor Patrick.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Professor?}}
Patrick: Yeah! (cut to later where SpongeBob and Patrick are carrying a table. Patrick falls over the table)
{{L|Patrick|Doctor Professor Patrick. Don't mind him. You know how interns are.}}
 
{{L|Professor Percy|Where is Miss Cheeks?}}
SpongeBob: It's time to get serious, Patrick.
{{L|SpongeBob|She should be back any moment.}}
 
{{L|Patrick|''[recalling what SpongeBob said]'' I thought she ran away because she couldn't invent anything.}}
Patrick: Right! (crashes) I made an invention. It's a stick you can draw or write stuff with.
{{L|SpongeBob|Patrick!}}
 
{{L|Patrick|That's Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick to you!}}
SpongeBob: That's a pencil, Patrick. It's already been invented. (more crashing)
{{L|SpongeBob|Don't you think it's time to show them Sandy's invention, Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick?}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Good idea.}}
Patrick: Ooh, ooh, this is a good one. It's a glass ball that lights up so you can see in the dark.
{{L|SpongeBob|Well?}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Hey, you're the unpaid intern. You do the work. ''[bubble transition to everyone is standing in front of an invention]''}}
SpongeBob: Light bulb, already invented. (grunting and crashing are heard)
{{L|SpongeBob|Gentlemen, I can say without exaggeration that this is the most important invention in the history of the universe! I give you... ''[reveals the invention]'' The Automatic Backscratcher, Hair Comber, Nose Picker, and Ukulele Tuner 9000!}}
 
{{L|Professor Percy|This is where our research money went?}}
Patrick: SpongeBob, I know this one will work. I've invented a parallel universe.
{{L|SpongeBob|Uh-huh. Isn't it great?!}}
 
{{L|Lord Reginald|An automatic back scratcher, hair combing, nose picking, ukulele tuner. Yes, well, I've heard that claim before.}}
SpongeBob: That's a mirror, Patrick. It's already been invented.
{{L|Professor Percy|Yes, how do we know this contraption works?}}
 
{{L|Dr. Marmalade|Let's see a demonstration.}}
Patrick: Somebody keeps stealing my ideas!
{{L|Patrick|Step right up. ''[points to Lord Reginald]'' You look like you've been neglecting your personal hygiene.}}
 
{{L|Lord Reginald|Me? ''[Patrick straps him in the contraption]'' Are you sure this is safe?}}
Mirror SpongeBob: (strange accent) Well, I thought it was a pretty good idea.
{{L|Patrick|As sure as I'm a doctor professor.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Patrick, don't you think we should test it?}}
SpongeBob: (his invention crashes) Ooh... I give up. I'll never invent anything. (acoustic guitar plays. It's Sandy)
{{L|Patrick|Okay. ''[turns the invention on. The contraption comes down over Lord Reginald]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|That's not exactly what I had in mind!}}
Music: "So Long Bikini Bottom"
{{L|Professor Percy|Lord Reginald, are you all right? ''[inside the invention, Lord Reginald is getting his hair trimmed]''}}
 
{{L|Lord Reginald|Oh I say, this is splendid. ''[getting his back scratched]'' Oh, absolutely splendid. What's this? ''[nose is getting picked]'' Oh, marvelous. This machine has evacuated my nostrils of unwanted residue in a manner most pleasant.}}
So long, Bikini Bottom
{{L|SpongeBob|Good work, Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick.}}
I can't leave without a good-bye
{{L|Patrick|Thank you, lowly assistant.}}
But please don't think bad of me
{{L|Lord Reginald|Oh I say, now it's feeding me delicious pudding!}}
If'n I start to cry
{{L|SpongeBob|Pudding? I don't remember that part of the invention.}}
 
{{L|Lord Reginald|Now it's tuning my ukulele! ''[the ukulele makes two good notes then one sour note and the invention goes out of control. Lord Reginald is hit on the head with the ukulele]'' Ouch! I say, was that necessary? ''[he gets slapped on the back of his head]'' You sir, are impertinent. ''[a pair of scissors, fire, a saw, and more gadgets surround him]'' Oh, dear. ''[screams]''}}
So long, Bikini Bottom
{{L|Dr. Marmalade|Lord Reginald, are you all right? ''[shrieks and explosions are heard]'' Um sorry, was that a yes?}}
There's so many things I'll miss
{{L|Professor Percy|Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick, what is the meaning of this?}}
From your smoggy, crowded city
{{L|Patrick|It's okay. The horrible screaming means that it's working!}}
To your stingin' jellyfish
{{L|SpongeBob|Oh I really wish Sandy were here. ''[cut to Sandy, who is in front of a bus that has just pulled up]''}}
 
{{L|Bus driver|All aboard!}}
This town is filled with many things
{{L|Sandy|Will this bus take you somewhere when you've got nowhere else to go?}}
That I've come to love
{{L|Bus driver|It sure does. We make stops in Quittersville, Failuretown, and Loserburg. ''[Sandy hears the screaming]''}}
From the birds that fly upon the ground
{{L|Sandy|What in tarnation?! ''[enters her treedome]'' What's with all the monkey business?! ''[gasps]''}}
To the flowers up above
{{L|Patrick|''[laughs]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Sandy!}}
Farewell, Bikini Bottom
{{L|Sandy|SpongeBob! What the heck is going on here?! ''[the invention spits Lord Reginald out]''}}
Now I really hate to go
{{L|Lord Reginald|Ouch.}}
'Cause the things I'll miss the most of all
{{L|Patrick|It works! It works!}}
Are the friends I've come to know
{{L|Professor Percy|Lord Reginald, are you all right?}}
 
{{L|Lord Reginald|I seem to have ruptured my pomposity.}}
SpongeBob: (both cry) I'm ashamed of myself, Patrick. I gave up too quickly. We'll build Sandy's bosses an invention so amazing, they'll give Sandy funding forever. (later, SpongeBob and Patrick are experimenting and building an invention) We've done it, Patrick! We've created the greatest invention the world has ever seen! Patrick, they're here.
{{L|Professor Percy|We shall commence closure of this establishment immediately.}}
 
{{L|Dr. Marmalade|Frankly, I'm beginning to question the economic benefits of underwater treedomes. Doesn't make much sense once you get right down to it.}}
Patrick: Who?
{{L|SpongeBob|I'm sorry, Sandy. We were trying to keep you in Bikini Bottom, but all we did was ruin your chances to stay.}}
 
{{L|Sandy|I was about to be fired anyway. Thanks for trying to help, SpongeBob. You, too, Patrick.}}
SpongeBob: Sandy's bosses. (Patrick is clueless) The reason we spent all afternoon inventing.
{{L|Patrick|That's Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick.}}
 
{{L|Sandy|''[annoyed]'' Don't push it.}}
Patrick: I have no idea what you're talking about. (both exit the treedome to greet her bosses)
{{L|Patrick|''[meekly]'' Sorry.}}
 
{{L|Professor Percy|We are departing, Dr. Marmalade.}}
Chimp #1: Good day, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Professor Percy. This is Dr. Marmalade.
{{L|Dr. Marmalade|''[staying behind]'' My word, all of this excitement has drastically reduced my potassium levels.}}
 
{{L|''[He takes out a banana; all of a sudden, the nutcracker turns back on and peels the banana without any trouble.]''}}
Dr. Marmalade: At your service.
{{L|Dr. Marmalade| Good gracious! Can it be?!}}
 
{{L|Professor Percy|Try it again.}}
Professor Percy: And this is Lord Reginald.
{{L|''[Lord Reginald gets a banana out and the nutcracker peels it as well.]''}}
 
{{L|Lord Reginald|Oh! It is! It is! It's the banana peeler we have been searching 117 years for!}}
Lord Reginald: Charmed.
{{L|''[Excited chattering from the chimps.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Wow, Sandy, they're going bananas for your nutcracker!}}
Patrick: You guys talk funny. Say more words!
{{L|Sandy|Yeah. ''[bubble transition to when the chimps are about to leave]''}}
 
{{L|Professor Percy|Well, Miss Cheeks, I must say you have exceeded expectations.}}
Professor Percy: We are the board of directors of Tree Dome Enterprises Limited, and we are here to ascertain if Miss Cheek's inventions are up to snuff.
{{L|Lord Reginald|It may be the extreme head trauma I've suffered, but I am going to offer you a 20-year contract with a substantial pay raise.}}
 
{{L|Sandy|I accept!}}
SpongeBob: Why everyone in town has benefited from Sandy's scientific knowledge. Before Sandy showed up, I used to be a scrawny weakling.
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Hooray!}}
 
{{L|Professor Percy|I expect great things out of you, Miss Cheeks. Great things.}}
Patrick: And I used to be dumb. (goofy laughter)
{{L|Lord Reginald|Perhaps you could put your talents toward that automatic poop-throwing machine that's eluded us for so long.}}
 
{{L|Dr. Marmalade|Now, now, one miracle at a time.}}
Professor Percy: Quite. And whom do I have the pleasure of addressing.
{{L|All Chimps|Goodbye!}}
 
{{L|''[The chimps leave.]''}}
SpongeBob: My name is SpongeBob.
{{L|Sandy|Well, the only thing left is to figure out what to do with this infernal contraption.}}
 
{{L|Patrick|My turn! ''[sits on his invention]'' Whoo-hoo! ''[the machine turns on and he screams]'' All right!}}
Patrick: And I am Professor Patrick.
 
SpongeBob: Professor?
 
Patrick: Doctor Professor Patrick. Don't mind him. You know how interns are.
 
Professor Percy: Where is Miss Cheeks?
 
SpongeBob: She should be back any moment.
 
Patrick: I thought she ran away because she couldn't invent anything.
 
SpongeBob: Patrick.
 
Patrick: That's Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick to you!
 
SpongeBob: Don't you think it's time to show them Sandy's invention, Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick?
 
Patrick: Good idea.
 
SpongeBob: Well?
 
Patrick: Hey, you're the unpaid intern. You do the work. (cut to later where everyone is standing in front of the invention)
 
SpongeBob: Gentlemen, I can say without exaggeration that this is the most important invention in the history of the Universe! I give you... (reveals the invention) The Automatic Back Scratcher, Hair Comber, Nose Picker, and Ukulele Tuner 9000! Everything is put together with gum and band aids.
 
Professor Percy: This is where our research money went?
 
SpongeBob: Uh-huh. Isn't it great?
 
Lord Reginald: An automatic back scratcher, hair comber, nose picker, ukulele tuner. Yes, well I've heard that claim before.
 
Professor Percy: Yes, how do we know this contraption works?
 
Dr. Marmalade: Let's see a demonstration.
 
Patrick: Step right up. (points to Lord Reginald) You look like you've been neglecting your personal hygiene.
 
Lord Reginald: Me? (Patrick straps him in the contraption) Are you sure this is safe?
 
Patrick: As sure as I'm a doctor professor.
 
SpongeBob: Patrick, don't you think we should test it?
 
Patrick: Ok. (turns invention on. The contraption comes down over Lord Reginald)
 
SpongeBob: That's not exactly what I had in mind.
 
Professor Percy: Lord Reginald, are you all right? (inside the invention, Lord Reginald is getting his hair trimmed)
 
Lord Reginald: Oh, I say, this is splendid. (not getting back scratched) Oh, absolutely splendid. What's this? (nose is getting picked) Oh, marvelous. This machine has evacuated my nostrils of unwanted residue in a manner most pleasant.
 
SpongeBob: Good work, Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick.
 
Patrick: Thank you, lowly assistant.
 
Lord Reginald: Oh, I say, now it's feeding me delicious pudding.
 
SpongeBob: Pudding? I don't remember that part of the invention.
 
Lord Reginald: Now it's tuning my ukulele. (one sour note of the ukelele and the invention gets out-of-control. Lord Reginald is hit on the head with the ukulele) Ouch! Oo! I say, was that necessary? (is slapped in the back of his head) You, sir, are impertinent. (a pair of scissors, fire, a saw, and more gadgets surround him) Oh, dear. (screams)
 
Dr. Marmalade: Lord Reginald, are you all right? (shrieks and explosions are heard) I'm sorry, was that a yes?
 
Professor Percy: Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick, what is the meaning of this?
 
Patrick: It's ok. The horrible screaming means that it's working.
 
SpongeBob: Oh, I really wish Sandy were here. (back to Sandy where a bus has just pulled up)
 
Bus Driver: All aboard.
 
Sandy: Will this bus take you somewhere when you've got nowhere else to go?
 
Bus Driver: It sure does. We make stops in Quittersville, Failuretown, and Loserburg. (Sandy heres the screaming)
 
Sandy: What in tar nation? (enters her treedome) What's with all the monkey business? (gasps)
 
SpongeBob: Sandy!
 
Sandy: SpongeBob! What the heck is going on here? (invention spits Lord Reginald out)
 
Lord Reginald: Ouch.
 
Patrick: It works! It works!
 
Professor Percy: Lord Reginald, are you all right?
 
Lord Reginald: I seem to have ruptured my pomposity.
 
Professor Percy: We shall commence closure of this establishment immediately.
 
Dr. Marmalade: Frankly, I'm beginning to question the economic benefits of underwater treedomes. Doesn't make much sense once you get right down to it.
 
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Sandy. We were trying to keep you in Bikini Bottom, but all we did was ruin your chances to stay.
 
Sandy: I was about to be fired anyway. Thanks for trying to help SpongeBob. You, too, Patrick.
 
Patrick: That's Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick.
 
Sandy: Don't push it.
 
Patrick: Sorry.
 
Professor Percy: We are departing, Dr. Marmalade.
 
Dr. Marmalade: My word, all of this excitement has drastically reduced my potassium levels. (takes out a banana. The nutcracker turns back on and peels the banana) Good gracious. Can it be?
 
Professor Percy: Try it again. (Lord Reginald gets a banana out and the nutcracker peels it)
 
Lord Reginald: Oh! It is! It is! It's the banana peeler we have been searching 117 years for. (excited chattering from the chimps)
 
SpongeBob: Wow, Sandy, they're going bananas for your nutcracker.
 
Sandy: Yeah. (cut to later when the chimps are about to leave)
 
Professor Percy: Well, Miss Cheeks, I must say you have exceeded expectations.
 
Lord Reginald: It may be the extreme head trauma I've suffered, but I am going to offer you a 20-year contract with a substantial pay raise.
 
Sandy: I accept
.
 
SpongeBob & Patrick: Hooray!
 
Professor Percy: I expect great things out of you, Miss Cheeks. Great things.
 
Lord Reginald: Perhaps you could put your talents toward that automatic poop-throwing machine that's eluded us for so long.
 
Dr. Marmalade: Now, now, one miracle at a time.
 
All Chimps: Goodbye.
 
Sandy: Well, the only thing left is to figure out what to do with this infernal contraption.
 
Patrick: My turn. (sits on his invention) Whoo-hoo! (machine turns on and he screams) All right!
[[Category:Episode transcripts]]

Latest revision as of 17:23, 27 July 2025