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{{CTranscript}}
{{EpisodeTranscript}}
(SpongeBob is humming inside of his mailbox. He checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox.)
{{L|''[SpongeBob is sitting inside of his mailbox, happily humming. He checks his watch. Incidental 154 arrives, opens the mailbox, and SpongeBob suddenly pops out.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Hi, mailman!}}
SpongeBob: Run away! Its the mail burglar!
{{L|''[Incidental 154 drops his mail, screams in terror, and runs away.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Okay, ''[gets out of the mailbox]'' see you tomorrow!}}
(The mailman yells in fear and runs off)
{{L|Patrick|''[walks up]'' Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Let's see... ''[looks through the mail]'' Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, hey! A magazine! ''[looks at the magazine]'' That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest.}}
SpongeBob: O.K, see you tomorrow!
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|''[look inside the magazine]'' Whoa!}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Look at these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living! ''[a picture of a rich person's swimming pool is shown. It has an inflatable pool floating in the water.]'' This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!}}
(SpongeBob gets out of the mailbox. Patrick walks up.)
{{L|''[A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with bags of money.]''}}
 
{{L|Patrick|''[points at the man's feet]'' This guy's got shoes!}}
Patrick: Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?
{{L|Squidward|Give me that! ''[takes the magazine out of SpongeBob's hands]'' Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey, Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?}}
SpongeBob: Let's see... (Looks through the mail) Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Hey! A magazine!
{{L|Squidward|They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|What kind of things?}}
(SpongeBob looks at the magazine)
{{L|Squidward|How should I know? Things people want to buy! ''[walks off]'' Now keep your paws off my mail.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|That's it, Patrick! We gotta become entrepreneurs!}}
SpongeBob: That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Fucking Digest.
{{L|Patrick|Is that gonna hurt?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Quick, Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?}}
SpongeBob and Patrick: (They look inside the magazine) WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!
{{L|Patrick|Uh... ''[sweats]'' More time for thinking.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.}}
SpongeBob: Look at all these glossy depictions of a higher standard of fucking!
{{L|Patrick|''[pops up behind him]'' A chocolate bar?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling chocolate bar salesmen!}}
(A picture of a rich person's cock is shown)
{{L|''[The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'N-Mart carrying many chocolate bars.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Fancy living, here we come!}}
SpongeBob: This guy's so rich, he has a penis in his vagina!
{{L|Patrick|Make way for a couple of entrepe-nooers!}}
 
{{L|''[SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house.]''}}
(A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with nakedd women)
{{L|SpongeBob|Okay, Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to living fancy! Just follow my lead.}}
 
{{L|''[SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door. Incidental 6 opens the door.]''}}
Patrick: (Points at the man's feet) This guy's got shoes!
{{L|SpongeBob|Good afternoon, sir, could we interest you in some ''[holds up a chocolate bar]'' chocolate?}}
 
{{L|Tom|Chocolate? Did you say, chocolate?}}
Squidward: Give me that! (Takes the magazine) Stealing my porn, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!
{{L|Patrick|Yes, sir. ''[holds up two chocolate bars]'' With or without nuts?}}
 
{{L|Tom|Chocolate?! ''[screaming]'' Chocolate?! Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!}}
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?
{{L|''[SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away, and then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming "Chocolate!". The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Okay, the first guy didn't count. This is our real first step! ''[Incidental 118C opens the door]'' Good morning, sir! Would you like to buy some chocolate?}}
Squidward: They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.
{{L|Incidental 118C|Chocolate bars, eh?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Yes, sir, we are chocolate bar salesmen!}}
SpongeBob: What kind of things?
{{L|Incidental 118C|Ha! A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise! ''[Patrick is shown holding many chocolate bars in his pants, and he quickly looks at them]'' No, no, no, no, wrong. You guys wanna be good salesmen, right?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Oh, most certainly, sir!}}
Squidward: Themselves you faggots! (walks off) Now keep your boners off my mail.
{{L|Incidental 118C|Well, ''[chuckles]'' no self-respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! ''[holds up a bright-orange bag]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Wow... what is it?}}
SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes entrepreneurs!
{{L|Incidental 118C|It's a candy bar bag, you knucklehead! It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort!}}
 
{{L|''[SpongeBob tries to touch it.]''}}
Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?
{{L|Incidental 118C|''[pulls the bag away]'' But, I'm wasting my time. ''[walks inside]'' You don't need these bags.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|We need 'em! We need 'em!}}
SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?
{{L|''[Incidental 118C grins. The scene changes to Incidental 118C counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags.]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|So long, boys! Happy hunting! ''[laughs when the two aren't looking]'' Suckers... ''[walks back inside and closes the door]''}}
Patrick: Uh... (sweats) More time for jacking off.
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|''[singing as they run off]'' Fancy livin', here we come! La la la la, la!}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Let's try next door! ''[walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot. Incidental 118C comes out]''}}
SpongeBob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.
{{L|Incidental 118C|Yes?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|''[suspicious]'' Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?}}
Patrick: You?
{{L|Incidental 118C|I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented Candy Bar Bag Carrying Bags. ''[holds up two large maroon bags]''}}
 
{{L|Patrick|We'll take 20!}}
SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling semen salesmen!
{{L|''[The scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house. Incidental 49 comes out.]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 49|Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?}}
 
{{L|Incidental 49|That sounds heavenly! I'll take one!}}
(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many birth control pills)
{{L|SpongeBob|One chocolate bar, coming up! ''[opens up a bag, only to find another bag]'' Huh? Eh... Huh? Huh? Uh, uh, uh... ''[attempts to pull out a chocolate bar, but keeps pulling more bags, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|I know they're in here somewhere!}}
SpongeBob: Fancy fucking, here we cum!
{{L|Incidental 49|''[looks at her watch]'' I don't have time for this. ''[goes back inside, and then suddenly SpongeBob pulls out a chocolate bar]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|I've got it! One chocolate bar for the nice— ''[sees something off camera; it is revealed to be Tom, still screaming]''}}
(SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house)
{{L|Tom|Chocolate!}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|—lady.}}
SpongeBob: O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to fucking fancy! Just follow my dick.
{{L|Tom|Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! ''[He chases SpongeBob and Patrick as the chocolates fly out of the latter two's bags and run for their lives.]''}}
 
{{L|''[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner.]''}}
(SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door, a fish opens the door)
{{L|SpongeBob|We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Huh... I got it! Let's get naked!}}
SpongeBob: Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some Penis?
{{L|SpongeBob|No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate. There must be something. What was the reason we bought those bags?}}
 
{{L|Patrick|He said we were mediocre...}}
Tom: Penis? Did you say, ''Penis?!''
{{L|SpongeBob|That's it! He made us feel special!}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more bags! ''[runs to the door]''}}
Patrick: Yes sir. With or without nuts?
{{L|SpongeBob|No, wait, Patrick! ''[Patrick freezes in place]'' Why don't we try being nice?}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Oh, okay.}}
Tom: Penis? Penis?!?!?! '''''peeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnisssssssssss!!!!!'''''
{{L|''[The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.}}
''(SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming "PENIS!!")''
{{L|''[Patrick knocks on the door. Incidental 60 opens the door.]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 60|Hello?}}
 
{{L|Patrick|I love you.}}
 
{{L|''[A harp is heard playing. Incidental 60 stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut in disgust; a tuba is heard playing after the slamming.]''}}
(The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house)
{{L|SpongeBob|I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try. ''[rings the doorbell. Incidental 60 opens the door]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 60|Please. G-Go away!}}
SpongeBob: O.K, the first gay didn't count. This is our REAL first step!
{{L|SpongeBob|Um, ''[clears his throat]'' H-H-How you doin'?}}
 
{{L|Incidental 60|How am I doing?}}
(A straight man opens the door.)
{{L|SpongeBob|Wanna buy some chocolate?}}
 
{{L|Patrick|We got him now!}}
SpongeBob: Good Morning, sir! Would you like to buy some penis?
{{L|Incidental 60|Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, lover boy?}}
 
{{L|''[Patrick's belly is bubbling.]''}}
Con man: penis, eh?
{{L|Patrick|Hee hee, it tickles!}}
 
{{L|Incidental 60|As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang. ''[holds up a picture of him being obese at age 13]'' You can keep that for five bucks.}}
SpongeBob: Yes sir, we ARE semen salesmen!
{{L|Patrick|I'll take ten!}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking. A sad song plays.]''}}
Con man: Ha! A couple of fag salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise!
{{L|SpongeBob|We haven't sold one chocolate bar. I got a feeling that we're too easily distracted.}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to Patrick staring at the pictures.]''}}
(Patrick is shown holding many pills on his boner)
{{L|Patrick|Huh?}}
 
{{L|''[Far cut.]''}}
Con man: No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be gay salesmen, right?
{{L|SpongeBob|''[raises his fist]'' Let's make a pact right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.}}
 
{{L|Patrick|''[removes the pictures from his face]'' What?}}
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!
{{L|SpongeBob|''[holds out his hand]'' Let's shake on it.}}
 
{{L|Patrick|''[looks at SpongeBob confused]'' Did you say something?}}
Con man: Well, (chuckles) no self respecting cum salesman would be caught dead without one of these! (He holds up a bright-orange bag)
{{L|''[Cut to the other customer's house. SpongeBob and Patrick are seen entering the view.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Remember, Patrick, focus.}}
SpongeBob: Woooooooow... what is it?
{{L|''[Cut to the door. SpongeBob knocks on it. Incidental 37B answers.]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 37B|Yes?}}
Con man: It's a pussy, you cock-head! It's specially designed to cradle each penis in velvet-lined comfort!
{{L|SpongeBob|Good afternoon, sir, we're selling chocolate bars.}}
 
{{L|''[Patrick somehow moves up to Incidental 37B with his eyes going in and out back and forth.]''}}
(SpongeBob tries to touch it)
{{L|Incidental 37B|Why is Chubby here staring at me?}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to Patrick's eyes.]''}}
Con man: (pulls bag away) BUT, I'm wasting my time. (Walks inside) You don't need these things.
{{L|Patrick|Focusing.}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to the inside of Incidental 37B's house.]''}}
SpongeBob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!
{{L|Incidental 37B|''[freaks out]'' Back up, Jack! ''[slams the door on Patrick's eyes]''}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Oof! ''[moves his eyes around]'' Nice place you got in here.}}
 
{{L|''[Bubble transition to the next scene. Patrick is eating a chocolate bar.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|I can't understand what we're doing wrong.}}
(The man grins, the scene changes to the Con man counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags)
{{L|Patrick|I can't understand anything.}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|There must be something to this selling game that we're just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!}}
Con man: So long, boys! Happy grunting! (Laughs when the two aren't looking) Fuckers... (walks back inside)
{{L|''[Cut to the sign.]''}}
 
{{L|Patrick|''[reading the sign]'' Eat Barnacle Chips, they're delicious.}}
SpongeBob and Patrick (singing as they run off): Fancy fuckin here we come! La la la la, la!
{{L|SpongeBob|They are most certainly not delicious!}}
 
{{L|Patrick|''[smiling]'' Not the way I use 'em!}}
SpongeBob: Let's try next door!
{{L|SpongeBob|Yet they sell millions of bags a day!}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.}}
(SpongeBob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same  man comes out)
{{L|SpongeBob|''[happily]'' That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!}}
 
{{L|Tom|Chocolate!}}
Con man: Yes?
{{L|''[SpongeBob and Patrick run off. Cut to another house.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up, and then you come in for the kill!}}
SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these pussies?
{{L|Patrick|The kill!}}
 
{{L|''[SpongeBob uses the doorbell. Mary answers.]''}}
Con man: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented pussy Carrying Pussies. (Holds up two large maroon bags)
{{L|Incidental 87|Yes?}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick.]''}}
Patrick: We'll take twenty-thousand
{{L|SpongeBob|Hello, young lady. ''[winks at Patrick, who chuckles]'' We're selling chocolate. ''[gets a closer look at Baby Prunes]'' Is your mother home?}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to Incidental 87.]''}}
 
{{L|Mary|Mom!}}
 
{{L|Baby Prunes|''[enters from the right side of the house in a wheelchair. She is seen shriveled up to the point where she appears to be merely a head and a spine]'' What, what, what's all the yelling?}}
(Scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house, Sadie comes out)
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who have stunned looks on their faces. Cut back to mom.]''}}
 
{{L|Baby Prunes|You just can't wait for me to die, can you?}}
Sadie: Oh, what can I do for you two gay young men?
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick.]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 87|They're selling chocolate.}}
SpongeBob: We're selling semen. Would you like to buy it?
{{L|Baby Prunes|Chocolate?}}
 
{{L|Incidental 87|Yeah!}}
Sadie (captions on TV call it Woman and Credits on TV call it Lady Fish.) : That sounds heavenly! I'll take some.
{{L|''[Cut to Incidental 87 and Baby Prunes.]''}}
 
{{L|Baby Prunes|What, what are they selling?}}
SpongeBob: One serving, cumming up!
{{L|Incidental 87|Chocolates!}}
 
{{L|Baby Prunes|What?}}
(SpongeBob attempts to pull out his penis, but keeps pulling more pussies, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants to get a boner)
{{L|Incidental 87|Chocolates!}}
 
{{L|Baby Prunes|I can't hear you!}}
Sadie: I don't have time for this.
{{L|Incidental 87|They're selling chocolates!}}
 
{{L|Baby Prunes|They're selling chocolate?}}
(Sadie goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out his dick)
{{L|Incidental 87|Yeah!}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to a close-up of mom smiling.]''}}
SpongeBob: I... got it! One cock for the nice-
{{L|Baby Prunes|Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate.}}
 
{{L|''[Cut back to view Incidental 87 and Baby Prunes.]''}}
Tom: PENIS!
{{L|Baby Prunes|I always hated it!}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob sweating.]''}}
SpongeBob: bitch...
{{L|SpongeBob|Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...}}
 
{{L|Patrick|''[comes from the top left]'' You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever.}}
(Tom chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming '''PENIS!''')
{{L|''[Cut to Incidental 87 and Baby Prunes, Incidental 87 is heard constantly saying "No!"]''}}
 
{{L|Baby Prunes|Live forever, ya say? I'll take one. ''[Incidental 87 slaps her face]''}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to the outside. Incidental 87 pays SpongeBob a dollar.]''}}
 
{{L|Baby Prunes|''[from inside the house]'' Come on, you lazy Mary! ''[cut to Incidental 87]'' Start rubbing me with that chocolate!}}
(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a gay bar)
{{L|Incidental 87|''[looks at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily]'' I hate you. ''[slams the door. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!}}
SpongeBob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.
{{L|Patrick|''[raises his fist]'' Hooray for lying!}}
 
{{L|''[Bubbles transition to SpongeBob and Patrick. Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh.]''}}
Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!
{{L|SpongeBob|It'll make your hair grow.}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to Fred.]''}}
SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling anal... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those pussies?
{{L|Fred|Great! My wife's trying to grow a beard!}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick. Patrick has a sad face this time.]''}}
Patrick: He said we were queers...
{{L|SpongeBob|They'll make you sound smart.}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to the customer holding money.]''}}
SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel special!
{{L|Customer|''[southern accent]'' I'll take 20!}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to Patrick.]''}}
Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more pussies!
{{L|Patrick|It'll keep your face from getting any uglier.}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to the two Patricks.]''}}
(Patrick runs to the door)
{{L|Patrick 2|Just in time.}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over.]''}}
SpongeBob: NO, wait Patrick!
{{L|SpongeBob|They'll make you fly!}}
 
{{L|Patrick|You'll fall in love!}}
(Patrick freezes in place)
{{L|SpongeBob|They'll bring world peace!}}
 
{{L|Patrick|You'll walk through walls!}}
SpongeBob: Why don't we try being straight?
{{L|SpongeBob|''[echoing]'' You'll rule the world!}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to a door, SpongeBob and Patrick are wrapped in casts. Cut close to Patrick.]''}}
Patrick: Oh, okay.
{{L|Patrick|This'll be the best lie yet!}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Yeah, this guy will feel so sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of our chocolate!}}
 
{{L|''[A "customer" opens the door slightly.]''}}
(Scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door)
{{L|Incidental 118C|What can I do for you boys?}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob.]''}}
SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel NORMAL.
{{L|SpongeBob|Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|Really?}}
(Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door)
{{L|''[Cut to the "customer", who apparently is in a cast covering his entire body. He limps out of the door at his doorstep.]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|Small world. What's the matter with you guys?}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: Hello?
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|''[nervously]'' Uh... We've got some head trauma and eternal bleeding.}}
Patrick: I want to stuff your pulsing dick in my tight salivating mouth.
{{L|''[Cut to the "customer."]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|Ah, some guys have all the luck.}}
(A harp is heard playing, the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut, a tuba is heard playing after the slamming.)
{{L|''[A violin begins playing.]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms.}}
SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try.
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick. They both have faces meaning that they were about to cry.]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|At night, ''[as SpongeBob looks up sadly, a tear runs down his face]'' I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.}}
(SpongeBob rings the doorbell, the customer opens the door)
{{L|''[Cut to the "customer", the wires snap.]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|''[about to fall]'' Oh, no!}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: Please, G-Go away.
{{L|''[A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer grunts while hitting the steps.]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|''[on the last step]'' Ow.}}
SpongeBob: Um, *clears throat* H-H-How you doin'?
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Quick, Patrick, let's help him!}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: How am I doing?
{{L|''[Cut to the inside of the house. SpongeBob and Patrick enter from the left, carrying the "customer."]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Careful, put him down gently.}}
SpongeBob: FUCK ME! FUCK ME!
{{L|''[Patrick drops the "customer"'s head. A glass breaking sound is heard. Cut close to the "customer."]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|''[in pain]'' Ow...}}
Patrick: We got him now!
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Poor, poor man. If there's anything, anything we can do to help you?}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: Sorry, fags are losers and losers fuck butts. Isn't that right, lover boy?
{{L|''[Cut to the "customer."]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|There is one thing... as you can well imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling... chocolate bars. ''[gestures his head over to a massive stack of chocolate bar boxes.]''}}
(Patrick's cock is hard)
{{L|''[Bubble transition to the next scene. Cut to the "customer" looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]''}}
 
{{L|Incidental 118C|Such nice boys, ''[Cut to a close-up of the "customer" laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his costume off to reveal himself as Incidental 118C from earlier who sold SpongeBob and Patrick the bags to hold the chocolate bars.]'' it does my heart good to con a couple of Class A sucker-roonies like those two! Ha ha ha!}}
Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!
{{L|''Cut to the street.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|''[grunting]'' Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to. ''[He trips up on a rock and falls.]'' Whoa! ''[makes another grunting noise. Cut to him with a box flat on his face]'' Let's face it, Patrick. We're failures.}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: As you can see, me and you no longer bang.
{{L|Patrick|''[walks in from the left, carrying a box]'' I can live with that. ''[places his box on SpongeBob's box and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Let's change our names to Why and Bother.}}
(The customer holds up a picture of a gay self at age 13)
{{L|''[Tom appears behind the box.]''}}
 
{{L|Tom|Chocolate! ''[his screaming knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over.]''}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: You can keep that for 5 fucks.
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick. SpongeBob and Patrick babble]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|''[simultaneously with Patrick]'' No, no! Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt me. No no. Please...}}
Patrick: I'll take 10!
{{L|Patrick|''[simultaneously with SpongeBob]'' No! Have mercy on me! Please spare me!}}
 
{{L|''[Cuts to Tom laughing manically.]''}}
(Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking, a sad song plays)
{{L|Tom|Finally! I've been tryna catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you... ''[turns back to normal]'' I'd like to buy all your chocolate. ''[holds up a large amount of cash]''}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss. Cut back to Tom, SpongeBob, and Patrick. SpongeBob and Patrick are melting.]''}}
SpongeBob: We haven't sold one fuck. I got a feeling that were too easily distracted.
{{L|SpongeBob|Thank you for your patronage.}}
 
{{L|''[Bubble transition to the next scene. Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow full of cash.]''}}
(Cut to Patrick jacking off at the pictures)
{{L|Patrick|Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to the money in the barrel. SpongeBob pops out.]''}}
Patrick: Huh?
{{L|SpongeBob|Not yet, pally! First, we got to spend all the money.}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick.]''}}
(Far cut)
{{L|Patrick|But what are we gonna spend it on?}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|''[thinking]'' Hmm...}}
SpongeBob: (raising his fist) Let's make a pack right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.
{{L|''[Bubble transition to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "Fancy!" on top is seen at night. Cut to the inside of the boat.]''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|''[walking in from the left]'' Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.}}
Patrick: (Removing pictures from his cock) Huh?<br />
{{L|Teen 5|Sorry, but the whole restaurant has been rented to a private party.}}
SpongeBob: (Holding out his cock) Let's fuck on it.
{{L|''[Cut to Squidward shocked.]''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|But it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restaurant?}}
Patrick: (Looking at SpongeBob confused) Did you say something?
{{L|Teen 5|Oh, a couple of rich entrepreneurs ''[leans over to Squidward]'' and their dates.}}
 
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and her mom; Mary is seen holding a glass.]''}}
(Cut to the other customer's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are seen entering the view)
{{L|SpongeBob|So, how long have you two ladies known each other?}}
 
{{L|Baby Prunes|What? What did he say?}}
SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, focus.
{{L|''[The screen fades to black.]''}}
 
[[ru:Шоколад с орешками/Стенограмма]]
(Cut to the door, SpongeBob knocks on it, customer answers)
 
Purple Fish: Yes?
 
SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, wanna buy me?
 
(Patrick somehow moves up to the customer with his cock going in and out back and forth)
 
Purple Fish: Why is Perez here jizzing at me?
 
(Cut to Patrick's eyes)
 
Patrick: Focusing.
 
(Cut to the inside of the customer's house)
 
[[Purple Fish]]: Fuck off, Jagger!
 
(The customer slams the door on Patrick's dick, Patrick is heard saying "AWWWWW!" from the other side of the door)
 
Patrick: (Moving cock around) Nice.
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)
 
SpongeBob: I can't understand what were doing wrong.
 
Patrick: I can't understand anything.
 
SpongeBob: There's something to this selling game were just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!
 
(Cut to the sign)
 
Patrick: (reading the sign) Eat Pussy Chips, they're delicious.
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious!
 
Patrick: (smiling) Not the way I eat them!
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)<br />
SpongeBob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day!
 
(Cut to Patrick)<br />
Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
SpongeBob: (Happily) That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!
 
Tom (subtitles on TV call it Man.) : PENISS'''!!!!!!'''
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick run off, cut to Mary's house)
 
SpongeBob: We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up and you come in for the kill!
 
Patrick: The kill!
 
(SpongeBob uses the doorbell, Mary answers)
 
Mary: Yes?
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
SpongeBob: Hello, fresh muffin.
 
(SpongeBob winks at Patrick, Patrick then chuckles)
 
SpongeBob: We're selling penis. (Getting a closer look at Mary) Is your mother home?
 
(Cut to Mary)<br />
Mary: Mom!
 
Mother: (Entering from the right side of the house) What, what, what's all the yelling?<br />
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who have stunned looks on their faces)
 
(Cut back to Mary's mother)
 
Mother: You just can't wait for me to die so you can get more men, can you?<br />
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
Mary: They're selling penis.
 
Mother: Penis?<br />
Mary: Yeah!
 
(Cut to Mary and Mom)
 
Mother: What, what are they selling?<br />
Mary: PENIS!
 
Mother: What?
 
Mary: PENIS'''!'''
 
Mother: I can't hear you!
 
Mary: '''THEY'RE SELLING PENIS!!'''
 
Mother: They're selling penis?
 
Mary: '''YEAH!!'''
 
(Cut to a close-up of Mary's mother smiling)
 
Mother: Penis. I remember when I lost my virginity. Sweet, sweet penis.
 
(Cut back to view Mary and her mom)
 
Mother: I always hated it!
 
(Cut to SpongeBob sweating and fucking Patrick)
 
SpongeBob: Oh, but this penis is not for eating. It's for...
 
(Patrick comes from the top left)
 
Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you moan forever.
 
(Cut to Mary and her mom, Mary is heard saying no constantly)
 
Mother: Moan forever you say? I'll take one. (Mary slaps her face)
 
(Cut to the outside, Mary pays SpongeBob a dollar)
 
Mother (From inside house): Come on, you lazy faggot! (Cut to Mary) Start rubbing me with that penis!
 
Mary (looking at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily): I hate you. (Slams door)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy fucking in no time!<br />
Patrick: (Raising fist) Hooray for lying!
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh)
 
SpongeBob: It'll make your dick grow.
 
(Cut to Fred)
 
Fred: Great! My wife's trying to grow a cock!
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick has a sad face this time)<br />
SpongeBob: It'll make you sound sensual.
 
(Cut to the customer holding money)
 
Customer (fat guy): I'll take 20!
 
(Cut to Patrick)
 
Patrick: It'll keep your ass from looking like your face.
 
(Cut to the two Patricks)
 
Patrick 2: Just in time.
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over)<br />
SpongeBob: They'll make you die!
 
Patrick: You'll fall in an endless pit!
 
SpongeBob: They'll bring world orgies!
 
Patrick: You'll walk through FYAH!
 
SpongeBob: (ecoing) You'll rule the world!!
 
(Cut to a door, SpongeBob and Patrick are wrapped in casts)
 
(Cut close to Patrick)
 
Patrick: This'll be the best lie yet!
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)
 
SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of us!
 
(Customer opens door)
 
Customer: What can I do for you boys?
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)
 
SpongeBob: Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a fuck? We need an operation.
 
Customer: Really?
 
(Cut to the customer, who apparently is in a cast covering his entire body)
 
Customer: Small world. What's the matter with you guys?
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned)<br />
SpongeBob: (nervously)Um, we've got too hard and have eternal bleeding.
 
(Cut to the customer)<br />
Customer: Well, some guys have all the fuck.
 
(A violin begins)<br />
Customer: I was born with glass balls and paper penis. Every morning, I break my cock, and every afternoon, I break my ass.
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, they both have faces meaning that they were about to moan)
 
Customer: At night, (A tear runs down SpongeBob's cheek) I lay awake in agony until my boner explodes and puts me to sleep.
 
(Cut to the customer, the cocks snap)
 
Customer: (About to fall) Oh, no...
 
(A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer moans while hitting the steps)
 
Customer: (On the last step) Ohhhhh....
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, let's help him!
 
(Cut to the inside of SpongeBob's house)
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick enter from the left)
 
SpongeBob: Careful, put him down gently.
 
(Patrick drops the customer's head, a glass breaking sound is heard, cut close to the customer)
 
Customer: (In pain) Ohhhh...!
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)<br />
SpongeBob: Poor, poor man. Is there anything, anything we can do to help you?
 
(Cut to the customer)
 
Customer: Well, there is one thing...as you can imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling...myself.(jestures his head over to a massive stack of condoms)
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)
 
(Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by)
 
Customer: Such nice boys, (far cut to the customer) it does my heart good to fuck a couple of gay fuckeroonies like those two! HA HA HA!!!
 
(Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his coustume off to reveal himself as the Con Artist from earlier)
 
(Cut to the street)<br />
SpongeBob (grunting and fucking): Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell semen to.
 
(SpongeBob makes another grunting noise, he trips up on a rock and falls, cut to SpongeBob with Patrick flat on his face)
 
SpongeBob: Let's admit it, Patrick. We're failures.
 
Patrick (Walking in from the left): I can live with that. (Places box on SpongeBob's cock and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound)
 
SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Fuck and You.
 
(Tom appears behind the box)
 
Tom: '''PENIS!!!!!!!!''' (Screams and knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over)
 
(Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick babble)
 
SpongeBob: No! Don't hurt us. Please don't rape me. No no. Pleaseeee.
 
Patrick: No! Don't hurt us, Tom. Please Spare Me!
 
(Cuts to Tom laughing manically)
 
Tom: Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you...I'd like to buy all your cum! (Holds up a large amount of cash)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss)
 
(Cut back to the three, SpongeBob and Patrick melt)
 
SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow)
 
Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?
 
(Cut to the money in the barrel, SpongeBob pops out)
 
SpongeBob: Not yet, pally! First, we got to spend all the money.
 
(Cut to the two)
 
Patrick: But what are we going to spend it on?
 
(Cut to SpongeBob thinking)
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "A Homos Paradise!" on top is seen)
 
(Cut to the inside of the boat)
 
Squidward (Walking in from the left): Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.
 
(Cut to the server)
 
Server: Sorry, but the whole club has been rented to a private party.
 
(Cut to Squidward shocked)
 
Squidward: But it's my only night to be gay! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restraunt?
 
(Cut to the Server and Squidward)
 
Server: Oh, a couple of rich entrepuners and their (leaning over to Squidward) dates.
 
(Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and Mary's mother, Mary is seen holding a glass)
 
SpongeBob: So, how long have you two ladies known each other?
 
(Pause)
 
Mother: START RUBBING ME WITH THAT PENIS!!!
 
(Fade to black)
[[Category:Transcripts]]

Latest revision as of 22:42, 1 May 2025

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