Born Again Krabs/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Born Again Krabs" from season 3, which aired on October 4, 2003.

• [Evening at the Krusty Krab. Squidward switches the 'open' sign to 'closed.' He appears very optimistic.]
• Squidward: Closing time. The happiest time of the day!
• [Scene cuts to SpongeBob in the kitchen crying and sniffling]
• SpongeBob: Closing time. [sniffles] The saddest time of the day! [falls on the ground still crying] Huh? [he notices an old Patty under the grill] It's a Krabby Patty. [SpongeBob tries to pick it up but it's stuck to some gum] Eww... It's cold and hard. [takes the Patty out from under the grill] This could have rolled under there years ago. [pats it on the head] There, there, little one, your journey is almost over. [SpongeBob tosses the Patty in the trash.]
• [A siren goes off as a fishing line retrieves the patty]
• Mr. Krabs: [runs in] What happened? [gasps, then runs up to the trash can] Someone tried to throw away a patty! [takes it off the hook]
• Pinch-o-matic: Pinch-o-matic has saved you 5.2 cents.
• SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, I found that under the grill.
• Mr. Krabs: And tomorrow, a customer will find it under his bun. [hands it to SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: But it's old and cold. And so very full of mold.
• Mr. Krabs: You're not to make another Patty until that one is sold. Understand?
• French Narrator: The next day...
• SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward. [puts the tray with the Foggy Patty on the window]
• Squidward: [sarcastically] Hooray. [smells the Foggy Patty then flips the top bun off. Flies buzz around the stinking patty.] Uh... SpongeBob, can I get one with less... fog?
• SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward. Mr. Krabs' orders.
• Squidward: Whatever. [he hands the tray to Gus] Here you are, sir. One Krabby Patty.
• [Gus sniffs it. He screams with disgust and quickly back-flips his way out of the restaurant. Scene cuts to the Krusty Krew standing by the door.]
• Mr. Krabs: I don't understand! We haven't had a customer in weeks! I wonder if it's the new placemats.
• Squidward: What? [splutters in frustration at Krabs' stupidity] Placemats?! Have you lost your mind? It's that old Patty you keep trying to sell to everybody! It's gone bad.
• Mr. Krabs: Gone bad? That's nonsense! Bring it here, SpongeBob. [picks up the cage with the Patty inside it] Uh, why is it in a cage?
• SpongeBob: Because it growled at me.
• [Patty is now sentient and starts to growl and bark like some sort of dog. Squidward hides behind Mr. Krabs]
• Mr. Krabs: You two would have never have lasted in the navy. Let's see how bad you are. [takes the Patty out of its cage but it still barks and growls in Mr. Krabs' face] No... no... [the Patty barks and growls some more] Stay... [throws a 'treat' into its mouth] Thatta girl! There, there. [He pats it gently] See? Good enough to eat. [about to eat it when an ambulance goes by] Oh, look, an ambulance. Now, then... [takes bite of the Patty]
• [Scene suddenly cuts to him moaning, now green in color due to food poisoning, being rolled on a gurney, into a hospital]
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?
• Mr. Krabs: Make sure you wrap up that Patty. I'm not finished with it yet!
• [Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs in a hospital bed]
• Purple Doctorfish: Well, Mr. Krabs, you gave us quite the scare.
• Mr. Krabs: So I'm gonna be okay, doc?
• Purple Doctorfish: Well, if you don't want to take my word for it, let's just check your chart. [looks at the chart] Let's see here. Hmmm... oh, no! [starts to shake] Oh no, this is terrible! [drops the clipboard]
• Mr. Krabs: Everything okay, doc?
• Purple Doctorfish: Don't touch me! [runs out screaming]
• Mr. Krabs: That's not a good sign.
• [Thunder roars as the room turns into green. The Flying Dutchman appears. Mr. Krabs pulls his covers over his head, showing he's scared.]
• Flying Dutchman: Har, har har har har har har har har har!
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, it's the Flying Dutchman!
• Flying Dutchman: Eugene Krabs, your time has come.
• Mr. Krabs: I'm not Eugene Krabs, I'm, uhh, Harold. Harold, uhh... [looks at the flower vase next to him] Flower!
• Flying Dutchman: Oh, sorry. I must have the wrong room. [flies out] Excuse me, nurse?
• Nurse: [in a happy, musical tone] Yes?
• Flying Dutchman: I'm looking for Eugene Krabs.
• Nurse: Oh, he's in that room right there.
• Flying Dutchman: No, that's Harold Flower's room.
• Nurse: [confused] Harold Flower?
• [Flying Dutchman quickly goes back to Mr. Krabs in anger]
• Flying Dutchman: So, Krabs, you thought you could fool the Flying Dutchman?
• Mr. Krabs: What do you want from me?
• Flying Dutchman: I'm here to escort you to the resting place of all bad undersea folk: Davy Jones' locker!
• Mr. Krabs: Davy Jones' locker?! Why do I have to go there? I'm not a bad crab!
• Flying Dutchman: Ah, but you were cheap, and being cheap is a terrible thing. Next stop, Davy Jones' locker! [Evil laughs.]
• [Scene cuts to Davy Jones' locker where Flying Dutchman and Mr. Krabs reappear.]
• Flying Dutchman: Here we are.
• Mr. Krabs: [smells something foul] Blech! Why does it smell so foul?
• Flying Dutchman: Davy Jones works out a lot. [opens the locker where a bunch of smelly gym socks are] These are his socks. Get in!
• Mr. Krabs: [gets on his knees and starts crying] Oh, please, Mr. Dutchman, I don't wanna go in there! I'll do anything! Please, give me another chance!
• Flying Dutchman: Come on, Krabs, show a little dignity.
• Mr. Krabs: [Frantically] Mommy!
• Flying Dutchman: Alright, alright, stop your crying. I'll give you another chance, but you must always be generous, never cheap.
• Mr. Krabs: You have me word as a sailor.
• [Scene cuts to the dilapidated Krusty Krab where a sign hangs over it that reads 'Out of Business']
• Squidward: [looking through Mr. Krabs' desk drawers] Mr. Krabs' nose hair clippers. I could use these.
• [SpongeBob is wearing his Krusty Krab employee hat and holding his spatula, crying]
• SpongeBob: Squidward, you shouldn't be going through Mr. Krabs' belongings. [sniffs] He won't like it!
• Squidward: SpongeBob, I told you what the doctor said. Mr. Krabs isn't coming back. [trying to open the safe while using a stethoscope on it] Now, keep quiet so I can hear the tumblers in his safe.
• [Mr. Krabs walks in]
• Mr. Krabs: Hey, boys!
• [SpongeBob screams with joy as Squidward sheepishly hides the stethoscope behind his back]
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I knew it! You're alive! [clings to Mr. Krabs happily] Squidward, look, it's Mr. Krabs! Isn't this too good to be true?
• Squidward: [Deadpan] Well, it was.
• Mr. Krabs: You know, boys, being sick made me do a lot of thinking. My whole life has been about money. Saving money, collecting money, [mimics being infatuated to money] touching money... [returns back to normal talking] Well, you get the picture. But no more. You're looking at the new, improved, non-cheap Mr. Krabs.
• [Scene cuts to outside the Krusty Krab where a giant 'Grand Re-Opening' sign is hanging. 'Buy' and 'Free' signs are in the window. Inside, a giant 'Celebrate Good Times' banner hangs over the main doors.]
• Mr. Krabs: Welcome all, welcome!
• [A little kid walks up to Mr. Krabs]
• Mr. Krabs: Hello, little one. What you got there?
• Monroe: A Krabby Patty.
• Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Of course, you do! You know what that means, right?
• Monroe: I don't go hungry?
• Mr. Krabs: No, silly! It means free toy! [gives him a little toy]
• Monroe: Gee, thanks Mr. Krabs. I thought you were a cheap, old tightwad.
• Mr. Krabs: I was, son, I was. Free toys for everyone! And free refills!
• [Everyone cheers. Mr. Krabs runs up to SpongeBob. A giant 'Live for Today' banner hangs next to the pickup window.]
• Mr. Krabs: Hello, boy! Say, where's Squidward?
• SpongeBob: Oh, he's taking one of those break things in your office, I mean, the 'employee lounge'.
• [Scene cuts to Squidward sleeping peacefully in a bed in Mr. Krabs' office. Back to the main room.]
• Mr. Krabs: [Joyfully] Great!
• Martha: Excuse me, but I dropped my Krabby Patty. Could I get another one?
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Yes sir. [takes the patty and lifts the top bun where a disclaimer, written in ketchup form, is shown, and he reads it] Krusty Krab policy clearly states that once the burger has reached the customer, it is his/her responsibility...
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! [puts down the bun] That's the old policy. Now run back and bring out a fresh one.
• SpongeBob: Aye, aye, sir. [goes into the kitchen]
• Mr. Krabs: Sorry about the confusion. [pulls out a toy] Free toy?
• [Martha takes it, looking confused]
• Squidward: Eugene, my man.
• Mr. Krabs: Squidward! How's the break coming?
• Squidward: Should be over in a couple of hours. Have SpongeBob send back a patty and an iced-tea, will you? [Winks then walks off]
• Mr. Krabs: Sure thing, Squidward. Take it easy.
• [Mr. Krabs walks up to a customer watching a movie on a small television hanging from the ceiling]
• Mr. Krabs: Are you enjoying your in-meal movie?
• Harold: This movie hasn't even been in the theaters yet!
• Mr. Krabs: [pats the customer on the back] No expense spared for my valued customers.
• [Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob standing in front of the restaurant]
• Mr. Krabs: Look at all those happy faces. It sure does feel good to be generous.
• Squidward: [walks in with some envelopes] Here's your mail, Eugene.
• Mr. Krabs: Thanks, Squidward. You look rested.
• Squidward: Yeah, these naps at work are doing wonders for me. [stretches and yawns a little]
• Mr. Krabs: Credit card bills. Well, I knew this was coming. Let's see what the damage is. [opens the envelope] Only ten thousand dollars. That's not so bad. [runs up to the cash register] I'll just subtract it from today's profit. [opens the register, but it's empty] And...there's no money in here. [laughs] How delightful.
• SpongeBob: Squidward, I'm worried about Mr. Krabs.
• Squidward: Me, too. How are we gonna get paid? [both walk up to Mr. Krabs] Gee, Mr. Krabs, you sure are taking total bankruptcy well.
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, it's just a bad dream. I'll wake up soon. [SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other surprised]
• Squidward: Uh... "dream?"
• Mr. Krabs: Sure. I'm still in the hospital sleeping like a baby.
• SpongeBob: Umm, you checked out of the hospital this morning.
• Squidward: Here's the bill. [hands Mr. Krabs the bill from earlier]
• Mr. Krabs: You mean... [shocked] I'm awake?! [he screams in horror as his head cracks through the middle over and over. Each time he cracks his head open, a new one appears.]
• [Mr. Krabs now changes from generous to greedy and races up to Nat drinking a Mountain Dew-like drink and he confiscates it from him]
• Mr. Krabs: No more refills!
• [Mr. Krabs takes it to the soda machine and the drink gets sucked back into it like a vacuum. Then, he runs up to two kids playing with toys. He swipes them also.]
• Mr. Krabs: Give me back them toys, you freeloaders!
• [And Mr. Krabs then runs back over to Harold watching the movie earlier]
• Mr. Krabs: [while tapping a remote] Show's over, cheapskate!
• [Mr. Krabs turns the TV off, then presses a button that erases his memory of the movie. Harold goes dizzy.]
• Nathiel Waters: Hey, it's my lucky day, a penny! [reaches for the penny]
• Mr. Krabs: [grabs a hold of the customer's arm] Your luck just ran out!
• Nathiel Waters: Hey, man, ease back! You're crushing my arm!
• Mr. Krabs: Unhand that penny, or the arm comes off!
• [Flying Dutchman reappears. The customer runs away]
• Flying Dutchman: A-ha! That little display of parsimonious penny pinching just earned you a nice little spot in Davy Jones' locker... For eternity!
• Mr. Krabs: I'm not cheap, I'm generous!
• Squidward: You almost tore a man's arm off for a penny.
• Mr. Krabs: [sarcastically] Thanks, Squidward, I knew I could count on you. [Flying Dutchman picks him up] Well, a deal's a deal. Let's go.
• SpongeBob: Wait just a burger-flipping second!
• [Flying Dutchman turns around]
• Flying Dutchman: Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?
• SpongeBob: That would be me: SpongeBob Back-SassPants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea. [While SpongeBob speaks, Mr. Krabs is happy at SpongeBob's words]
• Flying Dutchman: He'd sell your soul for a couple of bucks.
• SpongeBob: I'd bet my soul he wouldn't.
• Flying Dutchman: You got yourself a bet. [to Mr. Krabs] Okay, Krabs, I'll let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between SpongeBob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?
• Mr. Krabs: That depends. How much money we talking about?
• SpongeBob: [shocked] Mr. Krabs!
• Flying Dutchman: [shows some coins] 62 cents.
• Mr. Krabs: I'll take the money.
• SpongeBob: [shocked]Mr. Krabs!
• Flying Dutchman: Here you go, Krabs. 62 cents. [hands him the change and picks up SpongeBob] Next stop: Davy Jones' locker! [SpongeBob screams as they both disappear]
• Mr. Krabs: [Runs to Squidward, happy] Look, Squidward, money!
• Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for sixty-two cents?
• Mr. Krabs: You think I could've gotten more?
• Squidward: He stuck up for you and you sold him out. You should be ashamed of yourself!
• Mr. Krabs: [Briefly looks at his change in a sad way until he starts to cry.] Oh, what have I done? [cries] I want another chance! I didn't learn anything! I lost me best fry cook! I don't want this foul money! [throws the change on the ground] I want SpongeBob back!
• [Flying Dutchman reappears and drops SpongeBob on the floor]
• Flying Dutchman: Here, take him back.
• Mr. Krabs: You heard what I said about the money?
• Flying Dutchman: Heard what you said? I couldn't hear myself thinking with this one around. I only had him for thirty seconds. [while speaking, scene cuts to SpongeBob and Flying Dutchman at Davy Jones' locker with SpongeBob talking a lot] And it's jellyfishing this and Mermaid Man that. Why, not giving him back is a fate worse than death!
• SpongeBob: [In the Davy Jones' locker scene, talking simultaneously with the Flying Dutchman's explanations, talking super quickly] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are the greatest. They're close personal friends of mine. They taught me everything. I love jellyfishing, do you like jellyfishing? I do. You want to go jellyfishing with me some time? Bring your own net!
• Flying Dutchman: He's your problem now. [laughs evilly as he disappears]
• Mr. Krabs: Heh, about trading you for pocket change...
• SpongeBob: Say no more, Mr. Krabs. You did it for the Krusty Krab. I would have done the same thing.
• Mr. Krabs: You would have?
• SpongeBob: No.
• [SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward all laugh. Scene cuts to the Flying Dutchman sitting on a chair, reading a book until the phone rings]
• Flying Dutchman: [picks up phone] Dutchman's residence.
• SpongeBob: [on the other end, talking super quickly] So, as I was saying, you and me gotta hang out more. What nights are good for you? Here are the nights that are good for me: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I gotta work. [Flying Dutchman groans] I work at the Krusty Krab. My best friend is Patrick. He's pink.