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{{CTranscript}}
{{EpisodeTranscript}}
 
{{L|''[The episode begins with Dream Squidward, dressed in island clothes, playing the piano on an island. He hits one of the notes, but it makes a bell sound so he keeps hitting it to double-check. The sound is coming from Dream SpongeBob hitting a bell.]''}}
 
{{L|Dream SpongeBob|Order up, Squidward!}}
 
{{L|''[Squidward wakes up from his dream while his alarm clock goes off. Bubble transition to Squidward driving to work. Zooms in on one of his bumper stickers that reads "Don't Ask Me About My Day." Squidward blearily looks up from his steering wheel to prepare himself for the day ahead. He puts his Krusty Krab employee hat and retains a tired expression. He walks up to the front doors and SpongeBob follows him from inside, smiling. Squidward walks inside.]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey, hey, Squidward, did you see me? ''[Squidward walks inside without saying a word]'' Okay, see you later, Squidinator.}}
 
{{L|Mr. Krabs|Good morning, Mr. Squidward! ''[raises his eyebrows; Squidward sticks out his tongue]'' So, are ya ready?}}
 
{{L|Squidward|To go home...?}}
 
{{L|Mr. Krabs|No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day.}}
 
{{L|Squidward|Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register and take orders and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards... ''[points at SpongeBob]'' ...that guy! ''[SpongeBob is washing a table with a buffer, then scrubs his face and gets it scrambled and laughs]''}}
 
{{L|Mr. Krabs|That attitude of yours is precisely why we're having this little shenanigan! Now pay attention! The lad's got a surprise for ye.}}
{{BTranscript
{{L|SpongeBob|Squidward, in honor of Employee Brotherhood, I present to you a gift. ''[holds up a sweater]'' Ta-dah! ''[zooms in to show it's a picture of a heart with Squidward's face on it]''}}
|Title=Dying for Pie
{{L|Squidward|"I Heart you..."}}
|Season=2
{{L|Mr. Krabs|Try it on, Mr. Squidward! It's got "you" written all over it! ''[laughs as Squidward has a hard time putting the sweater over his head]''}}
|Episode=24a
{{L|SpongeBob|I wasn't sure how big to make the hole for the head, so I used a watermelon for size! ''[Squidward gets the sweater over his head]'' Do you love it?}}
|Airdate=[[December 28]], [[2000]]
{{L|Squidward|''[starts scratching the sweater]'' It's a little itchy. What's this thing made of? ''[cut to SpongeBob with no eyelashes or eyebrows]''}}
}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Eyelashes! ''[a disgusted Squidward throws the sweater at SpongeBob, causing him to whimper]''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|''[puts on his Krusty Krab employee hat]''Now, may I resume to my minimum-wage duties?}}
*''[Squidward is dressed in island clothes and playing the piano on an island. He hits one of the notes but realizes it's a sour note and he keeps hitting it. The sound is coming form SpongeBob hitting a bell]''
{{L|Mr. Krabs|After you present ''your'' brotherhood gift.}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Order up, Squidward!  
{{L|Squidward|I'll buy the little twerp a gumball.}}
*''[Squidward wakes up from his dream while his alarm clock goes off. Cut to Squidward driving to work. Zoom in on one of his bumper stickers that reads "Don’t Ask Me About My Day." Squidward walks up to the front doors and SpongeBob follows him from inside, smiling. Squidward walks inside]''
{{L|Mr. Krabs|Oh, no, no, no, no, lad. You know the rules; you have to ''make'' the gift.}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Hey, hey Squidward, did you see me?''''' '''[Squidward walks inside without saying a word.]'' Okay, see you later, Squidnator.
{{L|Squidward|''[walks to the doors]'' The only thing I'm making is for the exit. ''[opens up the door to see SpongeBob crying with a new sweater made out of his tears]''}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': Good morning, Mr. Squidward. ''[Squidward sticks his out his tongue]'' So, are you ready?
{{L|SpongeBob|Is this any better, Squidward? I made this one with my tears! ''[sniffles. Squidward sighs and walks towards the kitchen]''}}
*'''Squidward''': To go home?
{{L|Mr. Krabs|I knew you'd come around, boy. Make something nice.}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day.
{{L|Squidward|Why can't I just buy something for the little weirdo?}}
*'''Squidward''': Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register and take orders and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards'' [points at SpongeBob]'' ...that guy.
{{L|Captain|Heave-ho! ''[Squidward looks out from the window and sees some pirates outside carrying some pies onto the ship]'' If you drop one single slice of me booty, I'll have... your booty!}}
*''[SpongeBob is washing a table with a scrubber. He scrubs his face and gets it scrambled. He laughs]''
{{L|Squidward|''[walks outside and talks politely to the pirates]'' Uh... hi, there. Those, uh, homemade pies sure look good.}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': That attitude of yours is precisely why we’re having this little shenanigan. Now pay attention, the lad’s got a surprise for you.
{{L|Pirate|Oh, these aren't homemade, they were made in a factory... a bomb factory... they're bombs.}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, in honor of employee brotherhood, I present to you a gift. (holds up a sweater) Ta-da! (zoom in to show it's a picture of Squidward's head as the heart)
{{L|Squidward|Oh, well, that's too bad. I thought they were pies and I wanted to buy one. ''[holds up money]''}}
*'''Squidward''': "I heart you..."
{{L|Captain|Wait! ''[jumps down off the ship]'' We were just kidding about all that bomb stuff. That'll be 25 bucks, please.}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': Try it on, Mr. Squidward! It’s got you written all over it. ''[laughs]''. ''[Squidward has a hard time putting the sweater over his head]''
{{L|Squidward|So, what flavor is it?}}
*'''SpongeBob''': I wasn’t sure how big to make the hole for the head, so I used a watermelon for size. ''[Squidward gets the sweater over his head]'' Do you love it?
{{L|Pirates|''[all talking at once]'' Cherry. Apple. Raspberry.}}
*'''Squidward''': ''[starts scratching the sweater]'' It’s a little itchy. What’s this thing made of? ''[cut to SpongeBob with no eyelashes or eyebrows]''
{{L|Squidward|Well, if it'll get old man Mr. Krabs off my back. ''[gives the captain the money; the captain runs off happily. Cut to Squidward placing the pie on Mr. Krabs' desk]'' Okay, here it is, Mr. Krabs, fresh from the oven. I'll be returning to my life now.}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Eyelashes! ''[Squidward throws the sweater at SpongeBob, causing him to whimper]''
{{L|Mr. Krabs|Not yet. I gotta make sure ya did it right. ''[grabs a piece of the pie. He is about to put a piece in his mouth]'' Wait a second, this would go great with some milk! ''[while walking to the milk, he trips over a book and the piece of pie flies into the milk, causing an explosion, sending both Squidward and Mr. Krabs out of the Krusty Krab]'' So, ya tried to kill me over a little new-age management, eh?}}
*'''Squidward''': Now may I resume to my minimum-wage duties?
{{L|Squidward|But, Mr. Krabs, I had no idea! I can explain! ''[cut to inside Mr. Krabs' office]''}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': After you present your brotherhood gift.
{{L|SpongeBob|Mr. Krabs, are you okay? I heard a-- Wow! A pie! ''[looks at the card attached to it]'' It's from Squidward! ''[reading]'' "To SpongeBob... Well, here ya go."}}
*'''Squidward''': I’ll buy the little twerp a gumball.
{{L|Squidward|And that's what happened!}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh no, no, no, no, lad; you know the rules-- you have to make the gift.
{{L|Mr. Krabs|25 dollars?! A bomb?!}}
*'''Squidward''': ''[walks to the doors]'' The only thing I’m making is for the exit. ''[opens up the door to see SpongeBob with a new sweater made out of a clear liquid]''
{{L|Squidward and Mr. Krabs|''[shouting]'' In the Krusty Krab?! ''[both run back into the office, but the pie is not there]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Is this any better, Squidward? I made this one with my tears.''[sniffs]'' ''[Squidward sighs and walks towards the kitchen]''  
{{L|Mr. Krabs|That's where you left it!}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': I knew you’d come around, boy. Make something nice.
{{L|Squidward|It's not there!}}
*'''Squidward''': Why can’t I just buy something for the little weirdo?
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey, guys! ''[licks and kisses his fingers five times then rubs his stomach]'' Thanks for the pie, Squidward! ''[sings]'' La-la-la-la-la-la-la... ''[skips out]''}}
*'''Captain''': Heave-ho! ''[Squidward looks and sees some pirates outside carrying some pies onto the ship]'' If you drop one slice of me booty, I’ll have...your booty!
{{L|Mr. Krabs|Ya had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears and you kill him. How are you gonna live with yourself?}}
*'''Squidward''': Hi, there. Those homemade pies sure look good.
{{L|Squidward|Kill him?! ''[imagines Dream SpongeBob taking a tray to a customer]''}}
*'''Pirate''': Oh, these aren’t homemade. They’re from a factory...a bomb factory. They’re bombs.
{{L|Dream SpongeBob|Here's your order, sir!}}
*'''Squidward''': Oh, well, that’s too bad. I thought they were pies and I wanted to buy one. ''[holds up money]''
{{L|Dream Customer|Thanks. ''[Dream SpongeBob explodes and pieces of him fly everywhere; back to reality]''}}
*'''Captain''': Wait! ''[jumps down off the ship]'' We were just kidding about all that bomb stuff. That’ll be 25 bucks, please.
{{L|Squidward|Aah! No, no! Well, we got-- We got to call the hospital!}}
*'''Squidward''': So, what flavor is it?
{{L|Mr. Krabs|Won't do any good. I've seen this before. When that pie goes up to bat, I mean, hits his lower intestine, boom!}}
*'''Pirates''':''[all talking at once]'' Cherry. Apple. Raspberry.
{{L|Squidward|You've seen this before?!}}
*'''Squidward''': Well, if it’ll get old man Mr. Krabs off my back. ''[Squidward gives the pirate the money. Cut to Squidward placing the pie on Mr. Krabs' desk]'' Okay, here it is, Mr. Krabs, fresh from the oven. I’ll be returning to my life now.
{{L|Mr. Krabs|11 times as a matter o' fact. ''[Squidward runs over to a phone and dials the hospital]''}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': Not yet. I got to make sure you did it right. ''[about to put a piece in his mouth]'' Wait a second... this would go great with some milk! ''[while walking to the milk, he trips over a book and the piece of pie flies into the milk, causing an explosion]'' So, you tried to kill me over a little new aged management, eh?
{{L|Squidward|Yes, hello, doctor? Hospital? It won't do any good? 11 times? ''[hangs up]'' Oh, he's a goner. How do we tell him? ''[both look out the window and see SpongeBob cheerfully wiping off a table, apparently having forgotten about the incident from earlier]''}}
*'''Squidward''': But Mr. Krabs, I had no idea. I can explain! (cut to inside Mr. Krabs' office)
{{L|Mr. Krabs|Don't tell him. That'll only make him feel worse. ''[peeks at SpongeBob cleaning a table while singing happily]'' The way I see it, he's only got till sunset. Why ruin his last day on earth? The lad deserves to enjoy his final hours. ''[walks away]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, are you okay? I heard a... wow! A pie! ''[looks at the card attached to it]'' It’s from Squidward. ''[reading]'' "To SpongeBob... Well, here you go."
{{L|Squidward|''[tears up]'' You're right, Mr. Krabs! ''[sobbing]'' I'm gonna make SpongeBob's final hours the best he's ever had. And this time, there's gonna be love! So much, he's gonna drown in it! ''[opens the door then turns around, smiling]'' Drown in it! ''[walks out]''}}
*'''Squidward''': And that’s what happened.
{{L|Mr. Krabs|''[writes on a notepad]'' Note to self: Watch out for Squidward. ''[Cut to Squidward walking over to SpongeBob, who is singing happily and wiping the table]''}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': 25 dollars? A bomb?
{{L|Squidward|Uh, SpongeBob?}}
*'''Squidward & Mr. Krabs''': In the Krusty Krab? ''[both run back into the office but the pie is not there]''
{{L|SpongeBob|''[sing-songy]'' Yes?}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': That’s where you left it.
{{L|Squidward|I forgot to tell you, there's a part two to your gift.}}
*'''Squidward''': It’s not there.
{{L|SpongeBob|Part two? ''[bounces up and down]'' Part two, part two, part two, part two... ''[Squidward grabs him]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Hey guys. ''[licks his fingers then rubs his belly]'' Thanks for the pie, Squidward.''[sings]'' La, la, lalalalalala.''[skips out]''
{{L|Squidward|Uh, please, don't do that.}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears and you kill him. How are you gonna live with yourself?
{{L|SpongeBob|What's the part two?}}
*'''Squidward''': Kill him? ''[Squidward imagines SpongeBob taking a tray to a customer]''
{{L|Squidward|Well, what's the most fun thing you can think of? ''[SpongeBob takes out a list]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Here’s your order, sir.
{{L|SpongeBob|Actually, I keep a list of the fun things I like to do. I call it my friendship list.}}
*'''Customer''': Thanks. ''[SpongeBob explodes and pieces of SpongeBob fly everywhere]''
{{L|Squidward|Great. Uh, let me see it. ''[looks at the list]''}}
*'''Squidward''': No, no! What we got... we got to call the hospital!
{{L|SpongeBob|The things that are extra fun, I've written in red.}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': Won’t do any good, I’ve seen this before. When that pie goes up to bat, I mean, hits his lower intestine... boom!
{{L|Squidward|Everything's in red.}}
*'''Squidward''': You’ve seen this before?
{{L|SpongeBob|Yeah, I know.}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': Eleven times as a matter of fact. ''[Squidward runs over to a phone and dials the hospital]''
{{L|Squidward|We'd better start now if we wanna get through this list before ya die... of anticipation.}}
*'''Squidward''': Yes, hello, doctor? Hospital? It won’t do any good? Eleven times? [hangs up] Oh, he’s a goner. How do we tell him? [both look out the window and see SpongeBob wiping off a table]
{{L|SpongeBob|Then let's roll! ''[both walk out of the Krusty Krab]'' Bye, Mr. Krabs! ''[Mr. Krabs cries, puts a "Help Wanted" sign in the window, and continues crying while he walks off]'' Heads up, Squidward. Looks like they're gonna replace ya.}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': Don’t tell him. That’ll only make him feel worse. By the way I see it, he’s only got till sunset. Why ruin his last day on earth? The lad deserves to enjoy his final hours. ''[walks away]''
{{L|Squidward|Uh, yeah. Let's take a look at that list.}}
*'''Squidward''': ''[tears up]'' You’re right, Mr. Krabs! ''[sobs]'' I’m gonna make SpongeBob’s final hours the best he’s ever had. And this time, there’s gonna be love -- so much, that he’s gonna drown in it. ''[opens the door then turns around, smiling]'' Drown in it! ''[walks out]''
{{L|SpongeBob|Well, the first thing I wanna do is show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town. ''[bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to a businessman]'' Hi, there, this is my best friend, Squidward. ''[cut to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to some kids]'' Hey, kids, check it out! This is my best friend, Squidward. ''[one of the kids throws a rock at Squidward's head. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking up to a fish sitting on a bench]'' Hi, I wanna show you my best friend, Squidward.}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[writes on a notepad]'' Note to self: watch out for Squidward.
{{L|Squidward|Hey, Frank. ''[bubble transition]'' Glad that's over.}}
*''[Cut to Squidward walking over to SpongeBob, who is singing happily and wiping the table]''
{{L|SpongeBob|Good, 'cause we're onto our next activity.}}
*'''Squidward''': Uh, SpongeBob?
{{L|Squidward|Which is...?}}
*'''SpongeBob''':''[cheerfully]'' Yes?
{{L|SpongeBob|I'm gonna show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town wearing a salmon suit.}}
*'''Squidward''': I forgot to tell you, there’s a part two to your gift.
{{L|Squidward|You're gonna be wearing a salmon suit?}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Part two? ''[bounces up and down]'' Part two, part two, part two, part two... ''[Squidward grabs him]''
{{L|SpongeBob|''[laughs]'' That's a good one, Squidward! ''[bubble transition to Squidward in a salmon suit in front of some kids. All the kids throw rocks at him. Cut to SpongeBob checking off the item on his list]'' Next... ''[he and Squidward sit by a rock]'' Knock-knock jokes! Hey, Squid, knock-knock!}}
*'''Squidward''': Please, don’t do that.
{{L|Squidward|Who's there?}}
*'''SpongeBob''': What’s for part two?
{{L|SpongeBob|I am! ''[laughing]''}}
*'''Squidward''': Well, what’s the most fun thing you can think of? ''[SpongeBob takes out a list]''
{{L|Squidward|''[laughs weakly]'' Oh, yeah... ''[SpongeBob checks the knock-knock jokes off his list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking backwards]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Actually, I keep a list of the fun things I like to do. I call it my friendship list.
{{L|SpongeBob|''[imitates the beeping of a back up alarm]'' Look out, everyone, friends in reverse! ''[continues beeping. SpongeBob checks off this item off the list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward making noises with their tongues out of their mouths while moving their hands back and forth in front of their face. SpongeBob checks the item off his list. Cut to Squidward walking with SpongeBob as his face]''}}
*'''Squidward''': Great. Uh, let me see it. ''[looks at the list]''
{{L|SpongeBob|Turn left, and... stop. See, that's what it'd be like if you had me for a face.}}
*'''SpongeBob''': The things that are extra fun, I’ve written in red.
{{L|Squidward|''[muffled]'' I can't breathe. ''[SpongeBob checks that off his list. Cut to SpongeBob performing open-heart surgery on Squidward]''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|Are you sure you should be poking it like that?}}
*'''Squidward:''' Everything’s in red.
{{L|SpongeBob|Who's the doctor here? ''[Squidward's heart squirts blood. SpongeBob checks his operation off the list as well as some other items while he laughs]'' The last thing on the list is...}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, I know.
{{L|Squidward|''[with a bandage over his heart]'' Does it involve more dismemberment?}}
*'''Squidward''': We’d better start now if we want to get through this list before you die... of anticipation.
{{L|SpongeBob|Watch the sunset with Squidward.}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Then let’s roll! ''[both walk out]'' Bye, Mr. Krabs. ''[Mr. Krabs cries and puts a "Help Wanted" sign in the window]'' Heads up, Squidward-- looks like they’re gonna replace you.
{{L|Squidward|Sunset?! ''[thinks about what Mr. Krabs said earlier in a thought balloon]''}}
*'''Squidward''': Uh, yeah. Let’s take a look at that list.SpongeBob: Well, the first thing I want to do is show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town. ''[cut to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to a businessman] ''Hi there, this is my best friend, Squidward. ''[cut to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to some kids]'' Hey kids, check it out! This is my best friend, Squidward. ''[one of the kids throws a rock at Squidward's head. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking up to a fish sitting on a bench] ''Hi, I want to show you my best friend, Squidward.
{{L|Mr. Krabs|The way I see it, the lad's got until sunset before that bomb hits his lower intestine.}}
*'''Squidward''': Hey Frank.'' [montague ends] ''Glad that’s over.
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey, it's Mr. Krabs! Hi, Mr. Krabs! ''[Mr. Krabs weeps and runs off]'' Okay, see ya later.}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Good, 'cause we’re onto our next activity.
{{L|Squidward|C'mon, buddy, you want a sunset? You'll get a sunset.}}
*'''Squidward''': Which is...?
{{L|''[Bubble transition to the sunset.]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': I’m going to show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town wearing a salmon suit.
{{L|SpongeBob|''[sighs]'' Underwater sunsets sure are beautiful, eh, Squidward?}}
*'''Squidward''': You’re going to be wearing a salmon suit?
{{L|Squidward|...Yeah.}}
*'''SpongeBob''':'' [laughs]'' That’s a good one Squidward. ''[cut to Squidward in a salmon suit in front of some kids. All the kids throw rocks at Squidward. Cut to SpongeBob checking off the item on his list] ''Next. ''[SpongeBob and Squidward sit by a rock]'' Knock-knock jokes! Hey Squid, knock-knock.
{{L|SpongeBob|Yeah, this is great, just the three of us. You, me, ''[a brick wall is shown between the two]'' ...and this brick wall that you built between us.}}
*'''Squidward''': Who’s there?
{{L|Squidward|Yeah. ''[laughs nervously]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': I am! [laughs]Squidward: [laughs weakly] Oh, yeah... [SpongeBob checks the knock-knock jokes off his list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking backwards]
{{L|SpongeBob|Sunsets always remind me of bowls of fruit. What do they make you think of, Squidward? ''[Squidward imagines SpongeBob laughing and then exploding]''}}
* '''SpongeBob''': [imitates the beeping of a back up alarm] Look out everyone, friends in reverse! ''[continues beeping. Checks off this item off the list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward making noises with their tongues out of their mouths while moving their hands back and forth in front of their face. SpongeBob checks the item off his list. Cut to Squidward walking with SpongeBob as his face]''
{{L|Squidward|Explosions... uh, I, I mean, uh... e-erosion!}}
*'''Spongebob''': Turn left, and... stop. See, that’s what it would be like if you had me for a face.
{{L|SpongeBob|You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay. ''[Squidward tears up until he hears a burping sound by SpongeBob]'' Huh? ''[SpongeBob burps again]'' Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. ''[smells the aroma]'' Hey, smells like cherry. Or maybe grape. Blueberry? ''[the sun starts to go down]'' Here it is, the sunset! I always love to count it down. Five... You do the rest, buddy.}}
*'''Squidward''': I can’t breathe. ''[SpongeBob checks that off his list. Cut to SpongeBob performing open-heart surgery on Squidward] ''Are you sure you should be poking it like that?
{{L|Squidward|Four... three... two... one... ''[nothing happens]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Who’s the doctor here?'' [heart squirts blood. SpongeBob checks his operation off the list as well as some other items while he laughs]'' The last thing on the list is...
{{L|SpongeBob|I guess we started too early. Let's start again.}}
*'''Squidward''': Does it involve more dismemberment?
{{L|Squidward|Five... four... three... ''[an explosion is heard from behind the wall]'' ...two! ''[sobbing]'' One! Well, at least I was able to make his last few hours meaningful. ''[sighs]'' I am such a good person. ''[another explosion is seen behind the wall but this time, it knocks the brick wall down with black smoke on top of Squidward, revealing SpongeBob, still alive and well, blowing some bomb-shaped bubbles with black smoke and the bubble explodes]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Watch the sunset with Squidward.Squidward: Sunset? ''[thinks about what Mr. Krabs said earlier in a though balloon] ''
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey, Squidward, check this out!}}
*'''Mr. Krabs''': The way I see it, the lad’s got until sunset until that bomb reaches his lower intestine.
{{L|Squidward|''[gets up]'' What the?! I-I thought you... ''[babbles angrily]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Hey, it’s Mr. Krabs! Hi, Mr. Krabs. ''[Mr. Krabs cries and runs off]'' Okay, see you later.
{{L|SpongeBob|Squidward, we already played babble like an idiot!}}
*'''Squidward''': C’mon buddy, you want a sunset, than you’ll get a sunset.SpongeBob: Ah, underwater sunsets sure are beautiful eh, Squidward?Squidward: Yeah.
{{L|Squidward|Why are you still here?!}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, this is great, just the three of us. You, me, ''[a brick wall is shown between the two] ''...and this brick wall that you built between us.
{{L|SpongeBob|Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. ''[holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever"]'' I already filled up this book of ideas! We should be able to finish by January.}}
*'''Squidward''': Yeah. ''[laughs nervously]''
{{L|Squidward|Forget the book! ''[slaps the book away]'' I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because you were supposed to explode!}}
*'''SpongeBob: '''Sunsets always remind me of bowls of fruit. What do they make you think of, Squidward?''' '''''[Squidward imagines SpongeBob exploding] ''
{{L|SpongeBob|You want me to explode?}}
*'''Squidward''': Explosions... I mean, erosion.
{{L|Squidward|Yes! That's what I've been waiting for!}}
*'''SpongeBob''': You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay. ''[Squidward tears up. SpongeBob burps]'' Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. ''[smells the aroma]'' Hey, smells like cherry. Or maybe grape. Blueberry?'' [the sun starts to go down]'' Here it is, the sunset! I always love to count it down. Five... You do the rest, buddy.
{{L|SpongeBob|Um... okay, I'll try. ''[grunts and then yells]'' Gary! You are gonna finish your dessert and you are gonna like it! ''[laughs]'' Now it's your turn.}}
*'''Squidward''': Four... three... two... one...'' [nothing happens] ''
{{L|Squidward|''[yells and stomps on the ground repeatedly]'' That's not what I meant, you barnacle head!}}
*'''SpongeBob''': I guess we started too early. Let’s start again.
{{L|SpongeBob|''[claps]'' Ooh, good one.}}
*'''Squidward''': Five... four... three.... ''[an explosion is heard from behind the wall]'' two... ''[cries]'' o-o-o-one...Well, at least I was able to make his last few hours meaningful. I am such a good person. ''[another explosion is seen behind the wall but it knocks it down on top of Squidward this time. SpongeBob is blowing some bomb-shaped bubbles] ''
{{L|Squidward|No! You're supposed to ''explode'' into a million pieces! ''[flaps his arms]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Hey Squidward, check this out!'' [Squidward gets up and mutters] ''Squidward, we already played 'babble like an idiot'.
{{L|SpongeBob|Why would I do that?}}
*'''Squidward''': Why are you still here?
{{L|Squidward|Because the pie you ate was a ''bomb''!}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Well, since we finished everything the list, I thought I’d make up a new one.'' [holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever"]'' I already filled up this book of ideas. We should be able to finish by January.
{{L|SpongeBob|What pie?}}
*'''Squidward''': ''[slaps book away]'' Forget the book! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because you were supposed to explode!
{{L|Squidward|The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it, th... that pie!}}
*'''SpongeBob''': You want me to explode?
{{L|SpongeBob|Pie...? ''[realizes; takes out the exploding pie from before]'' Oh, you mean this pie! ''[Squidward is shocked]'' I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! ''[walks forward and trips on a rock]'' Oops! ''[the pie flies into Squidward's face in slow-motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb]''}}
*'''Squidward''': Yes! That’s what I’ve been waiting for.
{{L|Squidward|''[the town is now decimated]'' Ouch. ''[fade to black, episode ends]''}}
*'''SpongeBob''': Um, okay, I’ll try. ''[grunts and then yells]'' '''''GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!''' [laughs]'' Now it’s your turn.
* &nbsp'''Squidward''': ''[yells]'' '''''THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!'''''SpongeBob: Oh, good one.Squidward: No! I mean you were supposed to explode into a million pieces.
*'''SpongeBob''': Why would I do that?
*'''Squidward''': Because the pie you ate was a bomb.
*'''SpongeBob''': What pie?
*'''Squidward''': The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for twenty-five dollars and I didn’t know it was a bomb and you ate it...that pie.
*'''SpongeBob''': Pie...pie... ''[takes out a pie]'' Oh, you mean this pie. I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let’s eat. ''[walks forward and trips on a rock] ''Whoops.'' [pie flies into Squidward's face in slow-motion causing an explosion the size of an atomic bomb] ''
*'''Squidward''': Ouch.
[[Category:Episode transcripts]]

Latest revision as of 15:11, 25 August 2025

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Dying for Pie" from season 2, which aired on January 27, 2001.

  • [The episode begins with Dream Squidward, dressed in island clothes, playing the piano on an island. He hits one of the notes, but it makes a bell sound so he keeps hitting it to double-check. The sound is coming from Dream SpongeBob hitting a bell.]
  • Dream SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward!
  • [Squidward wakes up from his dream while his alarm clock goes off. Bubble transition to Squidward driving to work. Zooms in on one of his bumper stickers that reads "Don't Ask Me About My Day." Squidward blearily looks up from his steering wheel to prepare himself for the day ahead. He puts his Krusty Krab employee hat and retains a tired expression. He walks up to the front doors and SpongeBob follows him from inside, smiling. Squidward walks inside.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, hey, Squidward, did you see me? [Squidward walks inside without saying a word] Okay, see you later, Squidinator.
  • Mr. Krabs: Good morning, Mr. Squidward! [raises his eyebrows; Squidward sticks out his tongue] So, are ya ready?
  • Squidward: To go home...?
  • Mr. Krabs: No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day.
  • Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register and take orders and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards... [points at SpongeBob] ...that guy! [SpongeBob is washing a table with a buffer, then scrubs his face and gets it scrambled and laughs]
  • Mr. Krabs: That attitude of yours is precisely why we're having this little shenanigan! Now pay attention! The lad's got a surprise for ye.
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, in honor of Employee Brotherhood, I present to you a gift. [holds up a sweater] Ta-dah! [zooms in to show it's a picture of a heart with Squidward's face on it]
  • Squidward: "I Heart you..."
  • Mr. Krabs: Try it on, Mr. Squidward! It's got "you" written all over it! [laughs as Squidward has a hard time putting the sweater over his head]
  • SpongeBob: I wasn't sure how big to make the hole for the head, so I used a watermelon for size! [Squidward gets the sweater over his head] Do you love it?
  • Squidward: [starts scratching the sweater] It's a little itchy. What's this thing made of? [cut to SpongeBob with no eyelashes or eyebrows]
  • SpongeBob: Eyelashes! [a disgusted Squidward throws the sweater at SpongeBob, causing him to whimper]
  • Squidward: [puts on his Krusty Krab employee hat]Now, may I resume to my minimum-wage duties?
  • Mr. Krabs: After you present your brotherhood gift.
  • Squidward: I'll buy the little twerp a gumball.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, no, no, no, lad. You know the rules; you have to make the gift.
  • Squidward: [walks to the doors] The only thing I'm making is for the exit. [opens up the door to see SpongeBob crying with a new sweater made out of his tears]
  • SpongeBob: Is this any better, Squidward? I made this one with my tears! [sniffles. Squidward sighs and walks towards the kitchen]
  • Mr. Krabs: I knew you'd come around, boy. Make something nice.
  • Squidward: Why can't I just buy something for the little weirdo?
  • Captain: Heave-ho! [Squidward looks out from the window and sees some pirates outside carrying some pies onto the ship] If you drop one single slice of me booty, I'll have... your booty!
  • Squidward: [walks outside and talks politely to the pirates] Uh... hi, there. Those, uh, homemade pies sure look good.
  • Pirate: Oh, these aren't homemade, they were made in a factory... a bomb factory... they're bombs.
  • Squidward: Oh, well, that's too bad. I thought they were pies and I wanted to buy one. [holds up money]
  • Captain: Wait! [jumps down off the ship] We were just kidding about all that bomb stuff. That'll be 25 bucks, please.
  • Squidward: So, what flavor is it?
  • Pirates: [all talking at once] Cherry. Apple. Raspberry.
  • Squidward: Well, if it'll get old man Mr. Krabs off my back. [gives the captain the money; the captain runs off happily. Cut to Squidward placing the pie on Mr. Krabs' desk] Okay, here it is, Mr. Krabs, fresh from the oven. I'll be returning to my life now.
  • Mr. Krabs: Not yet. I gotta make sure ya did it right. [grabs a piece of the pie. He is about to put a piece in his mouth] Wait a second, this would go great with some milk! [while walking to the milk, he trips over a book and the piece of pie flies into the milk, causing an explosion, sending both Squidward and Mr. Krabs out of the Krusty Krab] So, ya tried to kill me over a little new-age management, eh?
  • Squidward: But, Mr. Krabs, I had no idea! I can explain! [cut to inside Mr. Krabs' office]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, are you okay? I heard a-- Wow! A pie! [looks at the card attached to it] It's from Squidward! [reading] "To SpongeBob... Well, here ya go."
  • Squidward: And that's what happened!
  • Mr. Krabs: 25 dollars?! A bomb?!
  • Squidward and Mr. Krabs: [shouting] In the Krusty Krab?! [both run back into the office, but the pie is not there]
  • Mr. Krabs: That's where you left it!
  • Squidward: It's not there!
  • SpongeBob: Hey, guys! [licks and kisses his fingers five times then rubs his stomach] Thanks for the pie, Squidward! [sings] La-la-la-la-la-la-la... [skips out]
  • Mr. Krabs: Ya had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears and you kill him. How are you gonna live with yourself?
  • Squidward: Kill him?! [imagines Dream SpongeBob taking a tray to a customer]
  • Dream SpongeBob: Here's your order, sir!
  • Dream Customer: Thanks. [Dream SpongeBob explodes and pieces of him fly everywhere; back to reality]
  • Squidward: Aah! No, no! Well, we got-- We got to call the hospital!
  • Mr. Krabs: Won't do any good. I've seen this before. When that pie goes up to bat, I mean, hits his lower intestine, boom!
  • Squidward: You've seen this before?!
  • Mr. Krabs: 11 times as a matter o' fact. [Squidward runs over to a phone and dials the hospital]
  • Squidward: Yes, hello, doctor? Hospital? It won't do any good? 11 times? [hangs up] Oh, he's a goner. How do we tell him? [both look out the window and see SpongeBob cheerfully wiping off a table, apparently having forgotten about the incident from earlier]
  • Mr. Krabs: Don't tell him. That'll only make him feel worse. [peeks at SpongeBob cleaning a table while singing happily] The way I see it, he's only got till sunset. Why ruin his last day on earth? The lad deserves to enjoy his final hours. [walks away]
  • Squidward: [tears up] You're right, Mr. Krabs! [sobbing] I'm gonna make SpongeBob's final hours the best he's ever had. And this time, there's gonna be love! So much, he's gonna drown in it! [opens the door then turns around, smiling] Drown in it! [walks out]
  • Mr. Krabs: [writes on a notepad] Note to self: Watch out for Squidward. [Cut to Squidward walking over to SpongeBob, who is singing happily and wiping the table]
  • Squidward: Uh, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: [sing-songy] Yes?
  • Squidward: I forgot to tell you, there's a part two to your gift.
  • SpongeBob: Part two? [bounces up and down] Part two, part two, part two, part two... [Squidward grabs him]
  • Squidward: Uh, please, don't do that.
  • SpongeBob: What's the part two?
  • Squidward: Well, what's the most fun thing you can think of? [SpongeBob takes out a list]
  • SpongeBob: Actually, I keep a list of the fun things I like to do. I call it my friendship list.
  • Squidward: Great. Uh, let me see it. [looks at the list]
  • SpongeBob: The things that are extra fun, I've written in red.
  • Squidward: Everything's in red.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, I know.
  • Squidward: We'd better start now if we wanna get through this list before ya die... of anticipation.
  • SpongeBob: Then let's roll! [both walk out of the Krusty Krab] Bye, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs cries, puts a "Help Wanted" sign in the window, and continues crying while he walks off] Heads up, Squidward. Looks like they're gonna replace ya.
  • Squidward: Uh, yeah. Let's take a look at that list.
  • SpongeBob: Well, the first thing I wanna do is show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town. [bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to a businessman] Hi, there, this is my best friend, Squidward. [cut to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to some kids] Hey, kids, check it out! This is my best friend, Squidward. [one of the kids throws a rock at Squidward's head. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking up to a fish sitting on a bench] Hi, I wanna show you my best friend, Squidward.
  • Squidward: Hey, Frank. [bubble transition] Glad that's over.
  • SpongeBob: Good, 'cause we're onto our next activity.
  • Squidward: Which is...?
  • SpongeBob: I'm gonna show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town wearing a salmon suit.
  • Squidward: You're gonna be wearing a salmon suit?
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] That's a good one, Squidward! [bubble transition to Squidward in a salmon suit in front of some kids. All the kids throw rocks at him. Cut to SpongeBob checking off the item on his list] Next... [he and Squidward sit by a rock] Knock-knock jokes! Hey, Squid, knock-knock!
  • Squidward: Who's there?
  • SpongeBob: I am! [laughing]
  • Squidward: [laughs weakly] Oh, yeah... [SpongeBob checks the knock-knock jokes off his list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking backwards]
  • SpongeBob: [imitates the beeping of a back up alarm] Look out, everyone, friends in reverse! [continues beeping. SpongeBob checks off this item off the list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward making noises with their tongues out of their mouths while moving their hands back and forth in front of their face. SpongeBob checks the item off his list. Cut to Squidward walking with SpongeBob as his face]
  • SpongeBob: Turn left, and... stop. See, that's what it'd be like if you had me for a face.
  • Squidward: [muffled] I can't breathe. [SpongeBob checks that off his list. Cut to SpongeBob performing open-heart surgery on Squidward]
  • Squidward: Are you sure you should be poking it like that?
  • SpongeBob: Who's the doctor here? [Squidward's heart squirts blood. SpongeBob checks his operation off the list as well as some other items while he laughs] The last thing on the list is...
  • Squidward: [with a bandage over his heart] Does it involve more dismemberment?
  • SpongeBob: Watch the sunset with Squidward.
  • Squidward: Sunset?! [thinks about what Mr. Krabs said earlier in a thought balloon]
  • Mr. Krabs: The way I see it, the lad's got until sunset before that bomb hits his lower intestine.
  • SpongeBob: Hey, it's Mr. Krabs! Hi, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs weeps and runs off] Okay, see ya later.
  • Squidward: C'mon, buddy, you want a sunset? You'll get a sunset.
  • [Bubble transition to the sunset.]
  • SpongeBob: [sighs] Underwater sunsets sure are beautiful, eh, Squidward?
  • Squidward: ...Yeah.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, this is great, just the three of us. You, me, [a brick wall is shown between the two] ...and this brick wall that you built between us.
  • Squidward: Yeah. [laughs nervously]
  • SpongeBob: Sunsets always remind me of bowls of fruit. What do they make you think of, Squidward? [Squidward imagines SpongeBob laughing and then exploding]
  • Squidward: Explosions... uh, I, I mean, uh... e-erosion!
  • SpongeBob: You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay. [Squidward tears up until he hears a burping sound by SpongeBob] Huh? [SpongeBob burps again] Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. [smells the aroma] Hey, smells like cherry. Or maybe grape. Blueberry? [the sun starts to go down] Here it is, the sunset! I always love to count it down. Five... You do the rest, buddy.
  • Squidward: Four... three... two... one... [nothing happens]
  • SpongeBob: I guess we started too early. Let's start again.
  • Squidward: Five... four... three... [an explosion is heard from behind the wall] ...two! [sobbing] One! Well, at least I was able to make his last few hours meaningful. [sighs] I am such a good person. [another explosion is seen behind the wall but this time, it knocks the brick wall down with black smoke on top of Squidward, revealing SpongeBob, still alive and well, blowing some bomb-shaped bubbles with black smoke and the bubble explodes]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, check this out!
  • Squidward: [gets up] What the?! I-I thought you... [babbles angrily]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, we already played babble like an idiot!
  • Squidward: Why are you still here?!
  • SpongeBob: Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. [holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever"] I already filled up this book of ideas! We should be able to finish by January.
  • Squidward: Forget the book! [slaps the book away] I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because you were supposed to explode!
  • SpongeBob: You want me to explode?
  • Squidward: Yes! That's what I've been waiting for!
  • SpongeBob: Um... okay, I'll try. [grunts and then yells] Gary! You are gonna finish your dessert and you are gonna like it! [laughs] Now it's your turn.
  • Squidward: [yells and stomps on the ground repeatedly] That's not what I meant, you barnacle head!
  • SpongeBob: [claps] Ooh, good one.
  • Squidward: No! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! [flaps his arms]
  • SpongeBob: Why would I do that?
  • Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
  • SpongeBob: What pie?
  • Squidward: The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it, th... that pie!
  • SpongeBob: Pie...? [realizes; takes out the exploding pie from before] Oh, you mean this pie! [Squidward is shocked] I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! [walks forward and trips on a rock] Oops! [the pie flies into Squidward's face in slow-motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb]
  • Squidward: [the town is now decimated] Ouch. [fade to black, episode ends]
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