Dying for Pie/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Dying for Pie" from season 2, which aired on January 27, 2001.

• [The episode begins with Dream Squidward, dressed in island clothes, playing the piano on an island. He hits one of the notes, but it makes a bell sound so he keeps hitting it to double-check. The sound is coming from Dream SpongeBob hitting a bell.]
• Dream SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward!
• [Squidward wakes up from his dream while his alarm clock goes off. Bubble transition to Squidward driving to work. Zooms in on one of his bumper stickers that reads "Don't Ask Me About My Day." Squidward blearily looks up from his steering wheel to prepare himself for the day ahead. He puts his Krusty Krab employee hat and retains a tired expression. He walks up to the front doors and SpongeBob follows him from inside, smiling. Squidward walks inside.]
• SpongeBob: Hey, hey, Squidward, did you see me? [Squidward walks inside without saying a word] Okay, see you later, Squidinator.
• Mr. Krabs: Good morning, Mr. Squidward! [raises his eyebrows; Squidward sticks out his tongue] So, are ya ready?
• Squidward: To go home...?
• Mr. Krabs: No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day.
• Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register and take orders and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards... [points at SpongeBob] ...that guy! [SpongeBob is washing a table with a buffer, then scrubs his face and gets it scrambled and laughs]
• Mr. Krabs: That attitude of yours is precisely why we're having this little shenanigan! Now pay attention! The lad's got a surprise for ye.
• SpongeBob: Squidward, in honor of Employee Brotherhood, I present to you a gift. [holds up a sweater] Ta-dah! [zooms in to show it's a picture of a heart with Squidward's face on it]
• Squidward: "I Heart you..."
• Mr. Krabs: Try it on, Mr. Squidward! It's got "you" written all over it! [laughs as Squidward has a hard time putting the sweater over his head]
• SpongeBob: I wasn't sure how big to make the hole for the head, so I used a watermelon for size! [Squidward gets the sweater over his head] Do you love it?
• Squidward: [starts scratching the sweater] It's a little itchy. What's this thing made of? [cut to SpongeBob with no eyelashes or eyebrows]
• SpongeBob: Eyelashes! [a disgusted Squidward throws the sweater at SpongeBob, causing him to whimper]
• Squidward: [puts on his Krusty Krab employee hat]Now, may I resume to my minimum-wage duties?
• Mr. Krabs: After you present your brotherhood gift.
• Squidward: I'll buy the little twerp a gumball.
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, no, no, no, lad. You know the rules; you have to make the gift.
• Squidward: [walks to the doors] The only thing I'm making is for the exit. [opens up the door to see SpongeBob crying with a new sweater made out of his tears]
• SpongeBob: Is this any better, Squidward? I made this one with my tears! [sniffles. Squidward sighs and walks towards the kitchen]
• Mr. Krabs: I knew you'd come around, boy. Make something nice.
• Squidward: Why can't I just buy something for the little weirdo?
• Captain: Heave-ho! [Squidward looks out from the window and sees some pirates outside carrying some pies onto the ship] If you drop one single slice of me booty, I'll have... your booty!
• Squidward: [walks outside and talks politely to the pirates] Uh... hi, there. Those, uh, homemade pies sure look good.
• Pirate: Oh, these aren't homemade, they were made in a factory... a bomb factory... they're bombs.
• Squidward: Oh, well, that's too bad. I thought they were pies and I wanted to buy one. [holds up money]
• Captain: Wait! [jumps down off the ship] We were just kidding about all that bomb stuff. That'll be 25 bucks, please.
• Squidward: So, what flavor is it?
• Pirates: [all talking at once] Cherry. Apple. Raspberry.
• Squidward: Well, if it'll get old man Mr. Krabs off my back. [gives the captain the money; the captain runs off happily. Cut to Squidward placing the pie on Mr. Krabs' desk] Okay, here it is, Mr. Krabs, fresh from the oven. I'll be returning to my life now.
• Mr. Krabs: Not yet. I gotta make sure ya did it right. [grabs a piece of the pie. He is about to put a piece in his mouth] Wait a second, this would go great with some milk! [while walking to the milk, he trips over a book and the piece of pie flies into the milk, causing an explosion, sending both Squidward and Mr. Krabs out of the Krusty Krab] So, ya tried to kill me over a little new-age management, eh?
• Squidward: But, Mr. Krabs, I had no idea! I can explain! [cut to inside Mr. Krabs' office]
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, are you okay? I heard a-- Wow! A pie! [looks at the card attached to it] It's from Squidward! [reading] "To SpongeBob... Well, here ya go."
• Squidward: And that's what happened!
• Mr. Krabs: 25 dollars?! A bomb?!
• Squidward and Mr. Krabs: [shouting] In the Krusty Krab?! [both run back into the office, but the pie is not there]
• Mr. Krabs: That's where you left it!
• Squidward: It's not there!
• SpongeBob: Hey, guys! [licks and kisses his fingers five times then rubs his stomach] Thanks for the pie, Squidward! [sings] La-la-la-la-la-la-la... [skips out]
• Mr. Krabs: Ya had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears and you kill him. How are you gonna live with yourself?
• Squidward: Kill him?! [imagines Dream SpongeBob taking a tray to a customer]
• Dream SpongeBob: Here's your order, sir!
• Dream Customer: Thanks. [Dream SpongeBob explodes and pieces of him fly everywhere; back to reality]
• Squidward: Aah! No, no! Well, we got-- We got to call the hospital!
• Mr. Krabs: Won't do any good. I've seen this before. When that pie goes up to bat, I mean, hits his lower intestine, boom!
• Squidward: You've seen this before?!
• Mr. Krabs: 11 times as a matter o' fact. [Squidward runs over to a phone and dials the hospital]
• Squidward: Yes, hello, doctor? Hospital? It won't do any good? 11 times? [hangs up] Oh, he's a goner. How do we tell him? [both look out the window and see SpongeBob cheerfully wiping off a table, apparently having forgotten about the incident from earlier]
• Mr. Krabs: Don't tell him. That'll only make him feel worse. [peeks at SpongeBob cleaning a table while singing happily] The way I see it, he's only got till sunset. Why ruin his last day on earth? The lad deserves to enjoy his final hours. [walks away]
• Squidward: [tears up] You're right, Mr. Krabs! [sobbing] I'm gonna make SpongeBob's final hours the best he's ever had. And this time, there's gonna be love! So much, he's gonna drown in it! [opens the door then turns around, smiling] Drown in it! [walks out]
• Mr. Krabs: [writes on a notepad] Note to self: Watch out for Squidward. [Cut to Squidward walking over to SpongeBob, who is singing happily and wiping the table]
• Squidward: Uh, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: [sing-songy] Yes?
• Squidward: I forgot to tell you, there's a part two to your gift.
• SpongeBob: Part two? [bounces up and down] Part two, part two, part two, part two... [Squidward grabs him]
• Squidward: Uh, please, don't do that.
• SpongeBob: What's the part two?
• Squidward: Well, what's the most fun thing you can think of? [SpongeBob takes out a list]
• SpongeBob: Actually, I keep a list of the fun things I like to do. I call it my friendship list.
• Squidward: Great. Uh, let me see it. [looks at the list]
• SpongeBob: The things that are extra fun, I've written in red.
• Squidward: Everything's in red.
• SpongeBob: Yeah, I know.
• Squidward: We'd better start now if we wanna get through this list before ya die... of anticipation.
• SpongeBob: Then let's roll! [both walk out of the Krusty Krab] Bye, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs cries, puts a "Help Wanted" sign in the window, and continues crying while he walks off] Heads up, Squidward. Looks like they're gonna replace ya.
• Squidward: Uh, yeah. Let's take a look at that list.
• SpongeBob: Well, the first thing I wanna do is show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town. [bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to a businessman] Hi, there, this is my best friend, Squidward. [cut to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to some kids] Hey, kids, check it out! This is my best friend, Squidward. [one of the kids throws a rock at Squidward's head. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking up to a fish sitting on a bench] Hi, I wanna show you my best friend, Squidward.
• Squidward: Hey, Frank. [bubble transition] Glad that's over.
• SpongeBob: Good, 'cause we're onto our next activity.
• Squidward: Which is...?
• SpongeBob: I'm gonna show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town wearing a salmon suit.
• Squidward: You're gonna be wearing a salmon suit?
• SpongeBob: [laughs] That's a good one, Squidward! [bubble transition to Squidward in a salmon suit in front of some kids. All the kids throw rocks at him. Cut to SpongeBob checking off the item on his list] Next... [he and Squidward sit by a rock] Knock-knock jokes! Hey, Squid, knock-knock!
• Squidward: Who's there?
• SpongeBob: I am! [laughing]
• Squidward: [laughs weakly] Oh, yeah... [SpongeBob checks the knock-knock jokes off his list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking backwards]
• SpongeBob: [imitates the beeping of a back up alarm] Look out, everyone, friends in reverse! [continues beeping. SpongeBob checks off this item off the list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward making noises with their tongues out of their mouths while moving their hands back and forth in front of their face. SpongeBob checks the item off his list. Cut to Squidward walking with SpongeBob as his face]
• SpongeBob: Turn left, and... stop. See, that's what it'd be like if you had me for a face.
• Squidward: [muffled] I can't breathe. [SpongeBob checks that off his list. Cut to SpongeBob performing open-heart surgery on Squidward]
• Squidward: Are you sure you should be poking it like that?
• SpongeBob: Who's the doctor here? [Squidward's heart squirts blood. SpongeBob checks his operation off the list as well as some other items while he laughs] The last thing on the list is...
• Squidward: [with a bandage over his heart] Does it involve more dismemberment?
• SpongeBob: Watch the sunset with Squidward.
• Squidward: Sunset?! [thinks about what Mr. Krabs said earlier in a thought balloon]
• Mr. Krabs: The way I see it, the lad's got until sunset before that bomb hits his lower intestine.
• SpongeBob: Hey, it's Mr. Krabs! Hi, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs weeps and runs off] Okay, see ya later.
• Squidward: C'mon, buddy, you want a sunset? You'll get a sunset.
• [Bubble transition to the sunset.]
• SpongeBob: [sighs] Underwater sunsets sure are beautiful, eh, Squidward?
• Squidward: ...Yeah.
• SpongeBob: Yeah, this is great, just the three of us. You, me, [a brick wall is shown between the two] ...and this brick wall that you built between us.
• Squidward: Yeah. [laughs nervously]
• SpongeBob: Sunsets always remind me of bowls of fruit. What do they make you think of, Squidward? [Squidward imagines SpongeBob laughing and then exploding]
• Squidward: Explosions... uh, I, I mean, uh... e-erosion!
• SpongeBob: You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay. [Squidward tears up until he hears a burping sound by SpongeBob] Huh? [SpongeBob burps again] Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. [smells the aroma] Hey, smells like cherry. Or maybe grape. Blueberry? [the sun starts to go down] Here it is, the sunset! I always love to count it down. Five... You do the rest, buddy.
• Squidward: Four... three... two... one... [nothing happens]
• SpongeBob: I guess we started too early. Let's start again.
• Squidward: Five... four... three... [an explosion is heard from behind the wall] ...two! [sobbing] One! Well, at least I was able to make his last few hours meaningful. [sighs] I am such a good person. [another explosion is seen behind the wall but this time, it knocks the brick wall down with black smoke on top of Squidward, revealing SpongeBob, still alive and well, blowing some bomb-shaped bubbles with black smoke and the bubble explodes]
• SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, check this out!
• Squidward: [gets up] What the?! I-I thought you... [babbles angrily]
• SpongeBob: Squidward, we already played babble like an idiot!
• Squidward: Why are you still here?!
• SpongeBob: Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. [holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever"] I already filled up this book of ideas! We should be able to finish by January.
• Squidward: Forget the book! [slaps the book away] I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because you were supposed to explode!
• SpongeBob: You want me to explode?
• Squidward: Yes! That's what I've been waiting for!
• SpongeBob: Um... okay, I'll try. [grunts and then yells] Gary! You are gonna finish your dessert and you are gonna like it! [laughs] Now it's your turn.
• Squidward: [yells and stomps on the ground repeatedly] That's not what I meant, you barnacle head!
• SpongeBob: [claps] Ooh, good one.
• Squidward: No! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! [flaps his arms]
• SpongeBob: Why would I do that?
• Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
• SpongeBob: What pie?
• Squidward: The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it, th... that pie!
• SpongeBob: Pie...? [realizes; takes out the exploding pie from before] Oh, you mean this pie! [Squidward is shocked] I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! [walks forward and trips on a rock] Oops! [the pie flies into Squidward's face in slow-motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb]
• Squidward: [the town is now decimated] Ouch. [fade to black, episode ends]