Now Museum, Now You Don't/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Now Museum, Now You Don't/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [Bunny is cooking star-shaped pancakes over the stove.]
• Bunny: [humming]
• [The rest of the family are eating pancakes. Bunny goes up to Cecil with something behind her back.]
• Bunny: I've got a special stack for someone who got a [pinches Cecil's cheek] special job [presents plate of pancakes] as an art museum security guard.
• Cecil: Wow! [looks at the pancakes, which are arranged to look like his face] It looks exactly like me. [pulls up his museum badge, which is covered in syrup] Thanks, hon.
• Bunny: [kisses Cecil on the cheek] Mwah! I am so proud of you!
• GrandPat: [reading newspaper] Oh, what's the big deal? [sticks out hand] It's his fifth job this week.
• Cecil: [tearing up] Can't I make you proud just once, Dad?
• GrandPat: Son, I'm [pokes Cecil] never proud of you. [grabs his shoulder] But at least I'm consistent. [kisses Cecil on the cheek] Mwah!
• Cecil: Oh, Dad! [vibrates as a bell rings, then pulls a grandfather clock out of his pocket] Holy smokes! [points to clock] I'm going to be late for my first day!
• [He pushes the clock back into his pocket, jumps onto the table, and it is revealed he is wearing roller skates. He tears off his skin to reveal his museum guard outfit. He skates out the door.]
• Bunny: See you in the morning, hon!
• Cecil: [skating outside] Good night, honey!
• [A clam starts snoring. A badge with Cecil's face transitions to the Upturn Museum of Upscale Art. Inside, Lady Upturn is talking to Cecil.]
• Upturn: Welcome to your first night, Mr. Star. [raises pinky] Your duty is to [pan out to show the museum] guard the Upturn collection [Rube takes pictures] of priceless artwork.
• Cecil: Ooh...
• Upturn: [appears close to Cecil] And make [pokes him] sure [leans in his face] no ill will comes to it. [ominously, as the background grows darker and dramatic lighting appears] You have no idea what unspeakable atrocities my family had to perpetrate-- uh, I mean, endure-- to obtain this collection. The horror. [woman screams] The bloodshed. The-- hmm?
• [The shading on Upturn's face disappears and reappears. Cecil is pointing a flashlight at her and flicking it on and off.]
• Cecil: This security guard flashlight sure is nifty.
• Upturn: [takes the flashlight] And don't touch the art. [holds flashlight] Make sure all the artwork [waves flashlight] stays in its proper place. [puts it on a pedestal labeled "Le Flashlight," "1917," "Marlin Duchamp."] Such as this one. [turns flashlight on] Mmph. Finally, and [raises finger] most importantly, do not [points at Cecil] let anyone in.
• Cecil: [salutes, then yells] All right, everyone! You heard the lady! [throws a man outside] Scram! [kicks another man outside] Get out of here! [raises Upturn above his head] No one allowed in the museum!
• Upturn: After closing, [Cecil throws her] you nincompoooop! [crashes on the ground] I am offended!
• [A plate of pancakes transitions to Patrick walking out of the dining room, licking his plate clean. He steps in a pair of underwear and falls on his face.]
• Patrick: Huh? [looks at underwear] Dad left the most important part of his job uniform at home: [close-up of underwear] his official [badge gleams] security briefs. I can't [lifts underwear] imagine the torture [holds it close to him] he's going through.
• [Patrick imagines Cecil freezing up in an ice block. He kicks the door open and runs outside.]
• Patrick: I'm coming, Dad!
• Bunny: [calling] Patrick! [Patrick stops] It's cold out [raises finger] this time of night! If you're going to go [wiggles finger] all the way to see your dad, [shows a black and white striped sweater] make sure you wear your sweater. [Patrick takes it, and she holds up a purple mask] Not to mention your face warmer. [Patrick takes it] And here's a bag to store your father's underwear.
• [Patrick is now dressed like a robber, holding Cecil's underwear and a bag with a money sign on it.]
• Bunny: There. [Patrick puts the underwear in the bag] Now you're safe [Patrick nods] to go out at night. Oh, remember, what's a nice, positive thing to say to everyone you meet tonight?
• Patrick: Reach for the sky! [does a finger gun gesture at Bunny, who puts her hands up] Thanks, Mom! [runs away] Gotta run!
• [Bunny waves. An abstract painting of Cecil transitions to him patrolling the museum at night.]
• Cecil: Hmm. [sees something] Oh! [it's an abstract painting] Oh, no! My first night on the job, and [gestures to it] some vandal gra-ffi-to tagged this painting! [shakes the canvas clean] Ha. There. [the paint is splattered over the room] That's better.
• [Cecil looks at a painting of a woman eating cake, with a stain on her cheek.]
• Cecil: Hmm. [licks finger] You got a little schmutz on your everything. [wipes the painting clean, showing color-by-number guidelines] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [sees something else] Hey!
• [He goes to a painting of a man with a pear covering his face.]
• Cecil: No food allowed in the museum!
• [He takes the pear, revealing the man with a shrunken face. He frowns and covers his face with the hat. Cecil walks through the halls, eating the pear, until he spits it out in surprise at seeing a person's silhouette.]
• Cecil: Whoo! An art thief. Hey, buddy, no one allowed in the museum. [points] You better not be stealing stuff. [the person doesn't respond] Ah, so you won't talk, eh? Strong, silent type? [shines flashlight, showing a handsome-looking statue] Ooh. I don't like that stone-cold look on your chiseled features. If you're not going to comply, sir, then I'll take you [raises fist] by force! [jumps at the statue and karate chops it] Yah! [punches it] Ah-hoo! Ha! [kicks it, pants, puts his arms around the neck] Give up yet?
• [Cecil strains and pulls the statue's neck, causing it to fall.]
• Cecil: Uh-oh.
• [It falls and he is trapped underneath.]
• Cecil: [muffled screaming, wiggles legs]
• [Cut to Cecil, still squashed, carrying the statue and preparing to throw it out of the museum.]
• Cecil: [throws it, panting, loses balance] And stay out!
• [The statue bounces down the stairs and lands head-down on the street.]
• Statue: [sobbing] Finally! [stands up and grabs his face] I'm free. I'm free! [raises arms] I'm free!--
• [A bus crashes into him, splitting his body apart. Patrick gets off the bus, with the driver and two passengers huddling in fear.]
• Patrick: Wow. Thanks for the super-fast ride! [takes out wallets, watches, and purses] And the free watches and wallets. [to passengers] You guys are so nice!
• Passenger: Floor it!
• [The bus drives off. The statue head rolls to Patrick.]
• Patrick: [waving to bus] Keep reaching for the sky!
• Statue: Psst. Hey, kid. [Patrick looks at him] Could you lend me a hand? Or a whole body?
• Patrick: [holds the statue's head] No can do, Mr. Severed Head. I gotta get my dad his lost underwear.
• Statue: Cripes! That's important! Go, go, gooo!
• Patrick: [lets go of head] On it! [runs off, the head falls and shatters]
• [Patrick runs to the museum's doors and tries to open them. His arms grow muscular, but then detach from his body.]
• Patrick: [grunting] Oh, barnacles.
• Armless statue: Same thing happened to me.
• Patrick: [regrows arms, rubs on chin] Hmm. [eyes rotate 180 degrees] Maybe there's something around here to help me break in. [sees a rock on a potted plant] Ooh! [body rotates] Ooh, [picks up rock] I can throw this rock!
• [A key slides out of the rock.]
• Patrick: Ha! [picks up key] Even better, a key!
• [Patrick tosses the key through the door, and it shatters.]
• Patrick: Thanks, key. [alarm blares and red lights flash] Oh, boy! [shot of "Security Breach" alarm] I must've won a prize! Oh, I'd better get Daddy's underwear [looks at shattered door] before the media shows up! [runs off]
• [Cecil is using a power sander to clean an old man's dentures, then blows on them. He puts them back in the painting and the man smiles. The teeth shine. An alarm goes off.]
• Cecil: Huh!? [suspicious] Someone must have [pulls up pants] won a prize. [takes out flashlight] Come out, come out, wherever you are!
• [Cecil bumps into a ladder with a bucket of white paint on it. It spills on him.]
• Cecil: Whaa-hey! [grunting]
• Patrick: [walking through hallways] Hello? Hello? Gee, where could he be?
• Cecil: [shines light on Patrick] Congratulations!
• Patrick: [gasps] What's that horrible voice? [clutches bag] It better not be after my [hides bag] dad's underwear!
• Cecil: [ominously] Come claim your prize!
• [Patrick sweats and pants as Cecil approaches him. He swings the bag and knocks Cecil's flashlight out of his hand. It hits Cecil in the head and bounces into Patrick's stomach. Patrick takes the flashlight and sees Cecil covered in white paint.]
• Patrick: [gasping] Oh!
• Cecil: [ghostly moaning]
• Patrick: G--g-- [eyes turn into ghosts] ghost!
• Cecil: [rubs head, then shakes it and points at Patrick] B--b--b--burglar!
• [Patrick dashes away, his flashlight spinning in mid-air. Cecil grabs it and chases after him. Patrick stops in a hall with four paintings and looks at them. He jumps into the leftmost one, a recreation of the Nighthawks diner. Cecil stops as Patrick is in the diner, reading a newspaper.]
• Bartender: Hey, pal, are you going to order something, or just sit there?
• Cecil: [jumps into painting] A-ha!
• [Patrick yelps, throws the newspaper at Cecil, and runs away. He flips off the bartender's head.]
• Bartender: Ow! [rubbing head] Cheapskate.
• [Cecil removes the newspaper from his face. Patrick goes into a recreation of The Persistence of Memory with melting pizza slices. Patrick frantically pants, then takes a pizza and puts it over a hole.]
• Patrick: [enticing] Come and get me, Mr. Ghost!
• [Cecil looks around and sees the pizza. He dives after it and falls into the hole, yelling and crashing into the ground. Patrick pulls the pizza out of the hole, eats it, and runs away. Next, Patrick and Cecil peek around the structures of an abstract painting. Cecil dashes past a post, but spins around and bounces around the painting like a pinball. He lands against the right corner of the frame, tilting it as "TILT" is displayed in neon. Next, Patrick goes into a Roy Lichtenstein-style painting with a woman glancing at a doorway.]
• Woman in painting: Is that you, Brad?
• Patrick: [as word bubble appears] Sorry, wrong painting!
• [He slams the door, draining the woman of her color. Next, Patrick appears in The Birth of Venus. He shoves Venus into the water.]
• Patrick: Oh, excuse me, miss!
• Venus: [gasps]
• [Patrick hides in Venus's clamshell. Cecil opens the clamshell and points in it.]
• Cecil: A-ha! [notices Patrick isn't there and leans in] Huh...
• [Patrick appears behind the clamshell and leaps off it, trapping Cecil inside. He jumps down into a painting of a still life. He falls inside a bowl of fruit, which rearranges to look like a face. Cecil lands on some cheese next to it.]
• Cecil: Ah! Now I got you...?
• [Cecil throws the fruit away and tips the bowl. Patrick falls into a painting of a mother serving soup to her daughter. He relaxes in the soup until Cecil comes down, at which point he runs and kicks soup in Cecil's face. He spins the bowl and kicks the soup all over the mother and daughter. Patrick splats onto the floor as an inkblot, then reforms himself and runs away. A shrunken Cecil jumps out, reinflates himself with his thumb, kicks the bowl off his foot and into the wall, and runs after Patrick.]
• Cecil: [panting]
• [Cecil walks past two paintings. Patrick is hiding in the middle of a totem pole.]
• Patrick: [takes bag out of his mouth] Bleh! I'm tired of running and hiding. [stands up] I gotta defeat this ghost once and for all!
• [The totem block crushes him. A hammer, saw, and planks of wood transition to Patrick building a trap. He hammers, saws, then uses a blowtorch.]
• Patrick: [throws away mask] Yah! [wipes forehead] Phew. [he has made a knotted rope, which he twangs] This high-tech ghost trap ought to do the trick.
• Cecil: [off-screen] Burglar!
• [Patrick runs and hides behind the corner.]
• Cecil: I know you're near! [looks around]
• Patrick: [outside hallway] Yes, I am! [raises bag] And I have [shakes bag] every ghost's favorite treat: [waves underwear at Cecil] underwear.
• Cecil: A-ha! No escaping this time! [runs and trips over wire] Oh!
• [A vase drops on Cecil's head. He can't remove it and runs around. He goes to an area with four statues on the floor, stepping on them and they hit him in the face. He stumbles backwards.]
• Cecil: [dizzy] Is that all you got, burglar? [punches fists] Put 'em up. Put 'em up. [smacks a statue]
• [The statue is a seahorse balloon, which whinnies and kicks Cecil away. Cecil flies through the air, spinning into a mobile on the ceiling and tangling it up. He lands face-first in front of a statue.]
• Patrick: [off-screen] Ghost!
• [Cecil looks up. Patrick is standing on an Atlas statue, armed with a Roman helmet and paintings. He wipes the tear from one painting and uses it as face paint.]
• Patrick: Your reign of terror ends now! [jumps down and smashes the painting over Cecil's face] Get thee back to the great beyond!
• Cecil: Darn burglar! [repeatedly smashes paintings over him] You won't get these priceless paintings!
• Patrick: [removes some paintings and smashes them on Cecil] You won't get Dad's underwear!
• [Patrick and Cecil keep hitting each other with paintings, enveloping them in a dust cloud. They each start panting. Patrick's mask falls off.]
• Cecil: Wait. [looks at Patrick] Son?
• Patrick: Dad? [tears up] I didn't know you died and became a ghost.
• Cecil: No, son. [removes paintings from his head] I'm very much still alive. [wipes off paint] See?
• Patrick: [removes paintings from his own head] Hooray for living!
• Cecil: [scratches chin] Say, why did you come to the museum in the middle of the night? [gasps, scolding] You're not turning to a life of crime, are you?
• Patrick: Oh, not yet, Dad. [holds out bag] I came here to give you [pulls out underwear] these.
• Cecil: My security briefs! [takes them] No wonder I felt so drafty down there. [drops them in his pants] Thanks, son. How's about we go home and have some [pats stomach twice] morning dinner?
• Patrick: [squishes face] Oh! I love morning--
• Upturn: [off-screen, sing-song] Morning!
• [Patrick and Cecil look at her in horror.]
• Upturn: [eyes closed, mimes unlocking and opening door] Hope you had a wonderful first [notices] niiight?
• [An Upturn bust is splattered with paint, the seahorse is still bouncing around and whinnying, Atlas crumbles, and Patrick and Cecil stand beside each other. A painting lights on fire.]
• Upturn: What? Happened? Here!?
• Cecil: [sweating] Uh...
• Patrick: [casually, points to Cecil] It was all him.
• Upturn: [growls, Patrick puts Cecil in front of him] Somehow the both of you are going to replace all of this artwork.
• [Patrick and Cecil gulp. An "Admit 1" ticket to the museum transitions to the museum with many visitors in line. Upturn gives a group of patrons a tour.]
• Upturn: As you'll see, the collection continues to be in pristine condition.
• [Patrick is standing behind a frame, holding a pear in front of his face.]
• Museum patrons: [interested gasps]
• Upturn: [walks off] Step lively now. Come-come.
• [Patrick bites the pear, then dashes into a recreation of Whistler's Mother and starts whistling. After the patrons leave, he dashes into a clamshell and imitates Venus.]
• Patrick: [giggling]
• [Rube takes a picture. Patrick leans up.]
• Patrick: [whispering] How are you doing up there, Dad?
• [Cecil is holding a globe, imitating Atlas.]
• Cecil: Just fine, son! Thank goodness you brought me my underwear!
• [Pan down to his underwear. The badge gleams, and a frame closes in on it.]