Stuntin'/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Stuntin'/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [Cut to the outside of the Star home. On Patrick's show, he is wearing a stuntman uniform.]
• Patrick: [waving] Hey, everyone! Are you ready to see something really crazy? [a cannon blasts a helmet onto his head] Ooh! Hup! [he is in a cannon] Don't try this at home, kids!
• [He inhales and goes into the cannon, then blasts out. As he sails through the air, another cannon launches a motorcycle into the air. Patrick boards the motorcycle and spins, then goes down.]
• Patrick: Stuperific!
• [Patrick goes around a loop-dee-loop, then grabs the motorcycle with one hand, gives a thumbs up, and winks. He boards it and sails over a flaming barbecue, creating a fire backdrop.]
• Patrick: Cold as ice!
• [He boards the motorcycle and drives it along the ground, then does a handstand. He lands and spins like a tornado over to a detonator and firework.]
• Patrick: This gonna go boom! [presses detonator and launches the rocket, creating a Patrick-shaped firework] See? Told ya. [walks to pickle jar] The tour-dumb-force that you just witlessed was sponsored by [shows jar] Star Brand Pickles! [giggles] These things are so good, I'm gonna eat one now!
• [He wiggles his fingers and tries to open the pickle jar. He strains as he is unable to open it. He pauses and strains harder, then screams and a snapping noise is heard. His bone sticks through his arm.]
• Squidina: [behind camera, gasps] OMG!
• Patrick: [panicking] Aah! Medic! Medic! Ahh!
• [He jumps into the back of an ambulance. The ambulance drives towards the hospital, but goes off a ramp, crashes and explodes.]
• Squidina: [nervous noise] Umm... Oh, boy. I better find Patrick a stunt double! We can't lose that pickle sponsorship!
• [GrandPat rides in on his scooter.]
• GrandPat: Did someone say pickles? [touches jar]
• Squidina: Yeah, sorry, GrandPat. You can have a pickle as soon as I find a big, strong sea star who can open that jar.
• GrandPat: Ah, fiddle faddle! I'll open it myself. [opens it effortlessly, laughs, and bites a pickle]
• Squidina: Well, I guess the stunt man search is over!
• [A bitten pickle transitions to Squidina comparing Patrick and GrandPat, who is in Patrick's clothes.]
• Squidina: With the same clothes on, you guys might as well be twins! But we're gonna have to lose that facial hair.
• GrandPat: Hold my beard! [chops it off with a cleaver, and it goes on Squidina]
• Squidina: Perfect! [throws beard away] Okay, here's the deal: from this moment on, whenever this airhorn blows-- [blows horn] GrandPat will swap places with Patrick. Now, let's test it out with Patrick's classic coconut comedy bit!
• [Patrick shakes a coconut tree.]
• Patrick: I want a coconut! I want a coconut! I want a coconut! [struggling]
• [A coconut drops. Squidina blasts her airhorn. The music stops as Patrick calmly walks off-stage and GrandPat takes his place. The music resumes and GrandPat is hit by the coconut. Squidina blows the airhorn again.]
• GrandPat: Didn't feel nothin'!
• [GrandPat walks back off-stage and Patrick takes his place. The coconut splatters on his head.]
• Patrick: Mmm, coco-nutty! [raises eyebrows]
• [The audience laughs.]
• Squidina: This is gonna work out great! Onto the next segment!
• [Metal bars close the screen, reading "DEATH MATCH."]
• Perch: It's time for... [screen flashes neon] Death Match!
• [The bars open to show a wrestling ring. The crowd cheers. Patrick is wearing boxing gloves.]
• Patrick: Yay! Death Match! Today, I'm going toe-to-toe against [shows opponent] Bare Knuckles the sea bear!
• Bare Knuckles: [growls and roars]
• GrandPat: [afraid] Sea bear? [sess Squidina] Hmm. [points] Hey, look over there! It's Mermaid Man!
• Squidina: [looks] Where!?
• [GrandPat unscrews the lid off her airhorn and puts it on the wrong way around.]
• Squidina: [shrugs, disappointed] I didn't see him.
• GrandPat: Aw, too bad.
• [A bell rings.]
• Patrick: Wish me luck!
• Squidina: [takes airhorn] Okay! Get ready!
• Bare Knuckles: [growls and walks forward]
• Perch: This is gonna be quite a match, folks. Patrick Star versus a ferocious sea bear.
• Patrick: [offers hand] To a clean, fair fight.
• Bare Knuckles: [roars]
• [Squidina tries to blast her airhorn, but the lid falls off.]
• Squidina: Oops!
• [Bare Knuckles bites Patrick's hand.]
• Patrick: [screams]
• [Bare Knuckles spins Patrick in the air as he screams.]
• Perch: [shudders] Ooh, not a good start for Patrick Star!
• [Squidina chases the airhorn lid past some spectators.]
• Squidina: Oh, dang it!
• [Bare Knuckles smashes Patrick and lifts him up.]
• Perch: Ooh! Sea bear in for a taffy pull!
• [Squidina tries to put the lid back on the airhorn.]
• Squidina: Oh, oh, oh!
• Bare Knuckles: [roars and slices Patrick apart]
• Perch: Oh! Sea bear's tearing him to shreds.
• [Bare Knuckles breathes fire on Patrick.]
• Perch: Is that even possible!? [Bare Knuckles body slams Patrick] Ooh! That's gotta hurt!
• [Squidina is rotating the cap in. Bare Knuckles grabs Patrick and shreds him apart.]
• Perch: He's slicing Patrick Star to ribbons!
• [Bare Knuckles punches Patrick, and he lands against the corner. Squidina finally fixes her airhorn and blows it.]
• Squidina: [angrily] GrandPat!
• [GrandPat is asleep in his seat. He opens an eye and keeps sleeping.]
• Squidina: Are you kidding me!?
• [Bare Knuckles is rapidly punching Patrick.]
• Perch: Folks, this is brutal! But what's this?
• Bare Knuckles: [yawns and slows down]
• Perch: Sea bear seems to be getting tired!
• [GrandPat is relaxing. Squidina runs behind him and blows the airhorn, startling him.]
• GrandPat: Ohh! Huh! [panting]
• Perch: Sea bear is falling asleep!
• Bare Knuckles: [yawns and falls asleep]
• Perch: He's slowly going down. He's kissing the canvas. [crowd exclaims] In a major upset, the winner is... [GrandPat grabs Patrick and takes his place] Patrick Star!
• [A referee blows his whistle and grabs GrandPat's arm as he cheers. Patrick, injured and on the ground, looks up.]
• Patrick: I owe it all to my stunt double. [waves and collapses]
• Squidina: Onto the cooking segment!
• [A slice of cheese transitions to Patrick behind a table with two slices of bread, two knives, a spread of paper, and two stacks of cheese.]
• Patrick: Hey, everybody! It's cheese sandwich time!
• Squidina: I think Patrick can handle this one on his own. [walks away and dusts her hands] I'm gonna take five.
• Patrick: Who doesn't enjoy a delicious cheese sandwich? [puts bread on paper] You got your bread, [keeps putting cheese on paper] you got your cheese, you got your cheese, you got your cheese, you got your cheese, you got your cheese, you got your cheese...
• [As Patrick talks, GrandPat looks at Squidina's airhorn and takes it for himself.]
• Patrick: [puts bread on] You got your bread. Ta-da! You got yourself a sandwich!
• [GrandPat blasts the airhorn before Patrick can bite into the sandwich, rams into him, and takes the sandwich.]
• GrandPat: Just doin' my job, sonny. Ahh! [eats sandwich] Mmm! Let's make another, shall we? [puts bread and cheese down] Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese!
• Patrick: [tears up] Awww, I wanted some cheese. Maybe just a slice.
• [He walks into the kitchen. Squidina, Cecil, and Bunny surprise him with a birthday celebration.]
• Squidina, Cecil, and Bunny: Happy birthday, Patrick!
• [Patrick smiles and runs up the cake.]
• Patrick: [giggles] Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
• [He runs up to the candles and tries to blow them out, but GrandPat uses his airhorn to blow him away and off the cake.]
• GrandPat: Ah, ah, ah! Fire's dangerous. Better let your stunt double handle this wish! [blows candles out with airhorn]
• [Patrick falls down a stack of presents and lands on his head. A piece of cake with a lit candle falls next to him.]
• Patrick: Ohh, hey! Maybe I'll get my birthday wish after all! [inhales]
• [GrandPat is holding a giant ice cream cone.]
• GrandPat: [laughs] I already used it on this big old ice cream cone! [bites the cone and sucks the ice cream out] That's the stuff.
• [Cecil, Bunny, and Squidina hug GrandPat.]
• Cecil: Happy birthday, son! We love you!
• Bunny: Bunny's baby!
• Squidina: Ohh!
• Cecil, Bunny, and Squidina: [singing] For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow...
• [The candle goes out and Patrick squints. He walks into his bedroom.]
• Patrick: [angry] Fine. Take my wish. Take my gifts. I don't care. I'm going to bed!
• [He tears off his shirt to switch into his nightclothes. He jumps into bed, and closes his eyes. After a moment, Squidina blasts an airhorn and blows his face off. He regrows it and sees GrandPat next to him.]
• GrandPat: Might wake up with a crick in your neck!
• [Angry, Patrick falls out of bed.]
• Patrick: Fine! Take my bed, I don't care!
• [GrandPat snores and spits.]
• Patrick: I'll just sleep on... [sees pile of metal] this pile of jagged, rusty scrap metal. [climbs into it] Perfect!]
• [GrandPat's sputtering results in him spitting in Patrick's face. Cut to the outside of the house at night.]
• French Narrator: [over time card] The next day...
• [Squidina is holding a clipboard and pen and wearing a headset. Patrick comes in with metal impaled in his back and bloodshot eyes.]
• Squidina: Hmm. Sleep okay, Patrick?
• Patrick: Not really.
• Squidina: Well, just take it easy today 'cause your stunt double has got it covered!
• Patrick: [metal shoots off his back] Huh!?
• [GrandPat is sitting in a chair and turns around to face the audience.]
• GrandPat: Welcome, everybody, to The Patrick Show! With your host, me! [zooms out to show the audience watching; a banner reading "I'm Patrick Star!" unfurls] the one and only Patrick Star!
• Audience: [speaking over each other] I'd know Patrick anywhere, and that's him. / Oh, yes, that's Patrick. / Uh-huh, that's him. / Yup! That's Patrick! / That's definitely him. / Never looked better. / That's Patrick Star, right there. / That's so Patrick. / I've seen him before. That's the guy.
• GrandPat: Let's start today's program with my classic coconuts comedy bit. [walks over to tree and clears throat, then shakes it] I want a coconut! I want a coconut! I want a coconut! I want a coconut!
• Slappy: Wow, this seems dangerous. [echoing] Dangerous, dangerous.
• [The camera zooms into Patrick's head.]
• Patrick: Ooh...
• [A mini cannon appears and shoots a lightbulb, which ricochets around and goes off next to Patrick.]
• GrandPat: I want a coconut! I want a coconut!
• [A coconut falls and an airhorn blares.]
• GrandPat: Huh? Who broke my classic coconut comedy bit?
• Patrick: Sorry, sir. Better let me take care of this.
• GrandPat: I'm the stunt double! [blows horn]
• Patrick: And I'm the stunt triple! [blows horn]
• GrandPat: Aaah, hooey!
• Squidina: Nope, sorry. He's right. [flips through clipboard and shows a page reading "Union Rule #303: Stunt Doubles Need Stunt Triples"] Union rules. Stunt doubles need stunt triples.
• GrandPat: Well, we can't have two stunt folk.
• Squidina: I totally agree! And the only way to settle it is... [transition to her standing in a canyon] a stunt-off!
• [GrandPat and Patrick launch themselves from cannons. As Patrick flies through the air, GrandPat approaches him.]
• GrandPat: Leave the stuntin' to the real stuntman, sonny! [blows horn] Yee-haw!
• [Patrick is frozen in place and can't move. He sulks. A cannon blasts a motorycle into the air. GrandPat boards it, but as he's spinning, Patrick blows his airhorn, then takes out a ladder and climbs up to it.]
• Patrick: Sorry, folks. We'll have this smear sorted in just a minute. [pulls out GrandPat] Here's your problem! You got this cheap, imitation Patrick! [drops him and climbs in] Alley oop!
• [GrandPat screams and falls as Patrick continues his stunt.]
• Patrick: [points to self] Ain't nothin' like the real McBoy! [goes through loop-dee-loop] Wah-hoo! [airhorn blares] Ahh!
• [GrandPat appears, flicks Patrick's silhouette away, and jumps in himself.]
• GrandPat: [laughing, then an airhorn blares] Huh?
• [Patrick kicks him away and takes his place. GrandPat blows his airhorn and pulls Patrick away with a hook. Patrick catches up to GrandPat and they fight on the motorcycle, blowing airhorns repeatedly. The man at the barbecue notices and runs away, leaving the lighter fluid on the grill. When Patrick and GrandPat crash into it, a massive explosion happens. Patrick comes to floating in green brine.]
• Patrick: [groaning] Hmm? Uh, where am I?
• GrandPat: [wakes up] What happened?
• Patrick: Ugh, you're here, too? [pauses] Wait. Where are you?
• GrandPat: I'm right here! Where are you?
• [GrandPat turns around to see Patrick surgically implanted on his back.]
• GrandPat and Patrick: [screaming]
• [The camera zooms out to show them floating in a pickle jar. Squidina reaches in and grabs one.]
• Squidina: [deadpan] [sighs] Today's show sponsored by Star Brand Pickles. Snap a pickle, not your wrist.
• [Squidina goes to eat the pickle.]
• GrandPat and Patrick: [screaming]