The Patrick Show Cashes In/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Patrick Show Cashes In/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [The episode begins with Perch in front of the Star household along with a huge crowd. A giant 2 is on top of the rock and spotlights are behind the house.]
• Perch: Perch Perkins here live at the premiere of "The Patrick Show" season two! Let's take a look.
• [The spotlights turn off and everyone looks at the TV next to the house.]
• Patrick: Are you ready for season two?
• Audience: Season two! Season two!
• [All of the curtains are pulled back to reveal Patrick, Cecil, Bunny, and GrandPat in fancy suits on a theatrical stage.]
• Patrick: Ooooh-
• Squidina: [slides to the front of the stage] And that's the entire season two budget. Sorry, everybody.
• [Squidina pulls the plug and every part of the stage falls to the floor. The curtains pull back in to hide the mess.]
• Audience: [frustrated] What?
• [The sky turns from night to day, the giant two falls over, and everyone in the audience leaves in disappointment. The Star family, huddled around Squidina's board, are now in their regular clothes.]
• Patrick: Are we really out of money, Squidina?
• Squidina: That's right, Patrick. TV shows are expensive. We're gonna need some pretty creative episode ideas to fill out the season.
• Cecil: Oh, how about an all Cecil episode?
• [A thought cloud emerges showing Cecil in a fishing outfit using his rod on a fishbowl.]
• Bunny: Or a Halloween special about the horrors of dust!
• [Another thought cloud shows Bunny screaming at the sight of a personified dust cloud. The graph behind Squidina unfolds, showing the line go all the way down to the floor.]
• Squidina: I--
• GrandPat: Wait! Does anyone else smell that?
• [GrandPat sniffs around. He opens the curtains with the logo and points outside.]
• GrandPat: Aha! [jumps and lands right next to a kid with Patrick related merchandise] Copyright infringement!
• Incidental 144: When does the show start, mister?
• GrandPat: [picks up the kid's plushie and hat] Pirated Patrick paraphernalia. [sees the Patrick balloon] Bootleg balloons.
• [GrandPat looks around a bit. He then reenters the house with the kid's stuff on him.]
• GrandPat: Check out my sweet merch haul. [tosses up plushie]
• Squidina: [throws papers in the air] GrandPat, you just figured out how to fund season two!
• GrandPat: Stealing from children?
• Squidina: [wags her finger] No. We'll sell official "Patrick Show" merchandise.
• GrandPat: What's the difference?
• Squidina: [rolls finger at camera] Roll commercial.
• [Cut to a three-story house. Inside, there are two bored kids. One is turning the propeller on his hat and the other is reading a book.]
• TV Announcer: Hey kids, are you bored?
• Both kids: [groaning] Uh-huh.
• TV Announcer: Well, check this out.
• [Lightning strikes down onto the middle of the table as both kids scream in surprise. The lightning dissipates to reveal action figures of Pat the Hapless and Beelzebass.]
• Both kids: [looking in awe] Wow!
• [The camera zooms in to show the action figures in detail.]
• TV Announcer: Pat the Hapless and Beelzebass as you've never seen them before.
• [The boy grabs the Pat the Hapless figure and raises it up.]
• TV Announcer: Our hero comes with his very own battle axe.
• [The boy presses the button on the figure and it swings up an axe. The figure throws the axe, with it striking the wall next to the girl. A vase tumbles and breaks from the impact.]
• Girl: [laughs and raises up her Beelzebass figure] Yeah!
• TV Announcer: But the evil Beelzebass uses his pits of despair.
• [The Beezlebass figure's glasses glow red as it raises its arms. The girl squeezes it, releasing two laser beams from its armpits. The boy screams and ducks as the laser sweep the walls, covering the whole living room in clouds and fire.]
• TV Announcer: And don't forget all action figures come with unique smells.
• [The girl holds up the Beezlebass figure and squeezes it again. This time, a big fart immediately explodes out of the house. A cut back inside shows the kids covered in bandages and the figures on the table, with the "Pat the Hapless" logo over them.]
• TV Announcer: Pat the Hapless and Beelzebass toys come with all you see here.
• Both kids: [falls down]
• TV Announcer: Batteries and trauma kit not included.
• [Cut to static. Cut again to Patrick's room full of boxes fo Pat the Hapless merchandise.]
• Bunny: [digs out a Beezlebass figure] These doohickeys seem a little dangerous, don't they?
• [The figure suddenly zaps out lasers. Bunny screams and fumbles the toy out of shock.]
• Bunny: [holds the figure out with two fingers] Oh, my.
• Squidina: [flipping through a stack of bills on her desk] Yeah. But they're selling like hotcakes.
• [Patrick, also holding a Beezlebass figure, chuckles and wiggles his finger. He presses on the toy's button and it shoots lasers straight into his eyes. Fire consequently covers his eyes.]
• Patrick: [screams and runs straight into the camera] My eyes!
• [Cut to static. Cut again to a bumper for Star Home Shopping Network.]
• Squidina: [voice-over] Welcome back to the Star Home Shopping Network.
• [The bumper turns into a screen bug as it reveals Squidina on-stage next to a few paintings.]
• Squidina: We've got some gorgeous paintings on sale today all done by Patrick himself. [lowers hand to two paintings of smears and a crude circular drawing with a smiley face] These are "Rainy Monday on a Tuesday" and "Self Portrait." [lowers hand again to show a drawing of a 5] And this one is titled, "The Number Three."
• [Squidina walks to a different part of the stage where Bunny, Fentin, The Flying Dutchman, and Lady Zombie as telephone operators]
• Squidina: Our operators are standing by to take your orders. [faces off-stage] Patrick, we need more art!
• [Patrick, off-stage, is licking ice cream when he hears Squidina's command. His tongue retracts to his face, breaking the ice cream cone.]
• Patrick: [looks around worried] Uh, uh, uh, oh.
• [Patrick takes out a canvas and rubs his ice cream-covered face on it. He looks back at it, and laughs elatedly before giving it to Squidina.]
• Squidina: [looks at painting confused] Ooh, oh. [turns it around with a now-excited expression and places it on the table] Time is running out. Call now.
• [The painting is a watercolor backdrop of a shore with a lighthouse and bicycle in frame. Cut to static. Cut back to a fade in on Bunny and Cecil sleeping in blue and pink beds. The alarm rings and they wake up.]
• Patrick: [voice-over] Hey, adults dressed as kids 'cause we couldn't afford more real children.
• [Bunny and Cecil are flown out of their beds and into the kitchen. They land and spin a little on the chairs.]
• Patrick: [voice-over] Are you ready to taste something that will change your life?
• Cecil: [performs the sign of the horns] Radical!
• Bunny: [meekly] I'm not sure if I'm ready.
• Patrick: [voice-over] Then prepare yourselves for Frosted Patrick Show Cereal.
• [Rays of light, followed by a box of Frosted Patrick Show Cereal land on the center of the table. Bunny and Cecil are surprised.]
• Patrick: [voice-over] Part of this complete breakfast.
• [A lot of heavy and junk foods fall down, surrounding the box. The box explodes, transitioning to Bunny and Cecil looking at an open box pouring down its contents. Cut to show Patrick is eating all of the pouring cereal.]
• Patrick: [takes out a chuck of the cereal and holds it to Bunny and Cecil] Oh, did you guys want some?
• Bunny: [concerned] Well, I mean, no, I--
• Patrick: [barges into the room] I got another one for you! [holds up a variant of the cereal box featuring a bunch of toys on the cover] Oopsie Doodle, Just Prizes!
• [Bunny and Cecil see a bowl get filled up with the prizes.]
• Patrick: [voice-over] It's jam-packed with the best part of a cereal box, the prizes.
• [Bunny and Cecil spoon out a chunk each and bite into it. They painfully crunch into the prizes, with Bunny chipping a tooth.]
• Patrick: [voice over a shot of the cereal with random objects and tools] Part of this mostly edible breakfast.
• [Zoom out to show the shot on a TV and pan to Squidina on a kitchen set. A Pat-Tron screenbug fades in on the screen.]
• Squidina: And we're back. Here to bring you a new shopportunity is Captain Quasar.
• Captain Quasar: [walks in] Captain Quasar here to sell you something very special. [lifts up and places Pat-Tron on the table] It's Pat-Tron.
• Squidina: Wow. What can he do?
• [Cut to Bunny holding a plate of food to Pat-Tron's face in the kitchen.]
• Captain Quasar: [voice-over] He can prepare a gourmet meal in seconds.
• [Pat-Tron's eyes glow red. He zaps the food on the plate, causing it to explode in Bunny's face and the surrounding wall. He places a plant on the plate. Cut to Cecil scrubbing the family wagon.]
• Captain Quasar: [voice-over] He can power wash your car.
• [Pat-Tron rolls in with a bucket of water and a sponge. He readies his eyes and zaps the car and Cecil, leaving the wagon as a chassis and causing Cecil's skin to crack and fall apart, his muscles now exposed. Cut to Pat-Tron cradling GrandPat.]
• Captain Quasar: [voice-over] And he can even take care of your baby.
• GrandPat: I ain't no baby, [cutsy] but I could use a change.
• [Pat-Tron turns GrandPat to face his butt and then prepares his laser. Cut back to Quasar with Pat-Tron on the table.]
• Captain Quasar: This allegedly useful and only slightly very dangerous device isn't going for $20 or even $10. [gets up on the table] Actually, I'll pay you to take this guy off my hands. [puts face to camera and shakes it] Oh, please!
• [Cut to static. Cut to a shot of Shmandor in a glass ball.]
• Rubedor: [voice-over] Shmandor, miniature city of glass can now be yours for a limited time.
• [Zoom out to show Patrick observing the ball. The Shmandorians inside look up at the sky.]
• Shamndorians: Whoa.
• [Patrick casts a shadow over the city. Cut to Patrick's relatively large face looming over the top of the glass.]
• Rubedor: [voice-over] Have minutes of fun observing and feeding the little fellas.
• [Patrick opens the top of the glass ball and drops in some Oopsie Doodles prizes. The prizes fall down to the ground like meteors, setting the city ablaze. From the bottom-up perspective, Patrick is deeply laughing as the Shmandorians run and scream. Cut to Patrick shaking the city like a snowglobe in a blue infomercial screen with "Order Now" at the bottom. He gives a grin and a thumbs up. Cut to static. Cut to Squidina showing off Bunny in a shirt with Patrick on it.]
• Squidina: We've got a brand-new product, official "Patrick Show" T-shirts featuring instant delivery.
• Patrick: [in an anarchist outfit] All thanks to our new military grade T-shirt cannon. [inserts a T-shirt into his cannon and directs it at Slappy]
• Slappy: Oh, I would like--
• [Patrick activates the cannon, causing the entire seating area to explode. Patrick walks down the street with his cannon in hand.]
• Patrick: [launching T-shirts at people] You get a shirt, and you get a shirt, and you!
• People on street: [giving thumbs-up] Thanks, Patrick!
• Dad: I'd like a shirt for my wife, my son, my daughter, and one for me. Why not?
• [Each of the family members is struck by a T-shirt as the dad says their names. Patrick walks up to the dad and loads his cannon, but a pair of Bermuda Shorts shoots onto him instead.]
• Dad: [gasps] Oh, Bermuda shorts. [falls into Patrick's arms]
• Patrick: Are you okay?
• Dad: Yeah. [coughs] I'm just more of a long pants guy. [sticks tongue out] Bleh.
• Perch: [off-screen] I hate to cut this short...
• [Patrick drops the dad and readies his cannon with a serious expression on his face.]
• Dad: Ow!
• Perch: [holding his own cannon] But even reporters need to make a buck. [growls]
• Patrick: [pointing at Perch] Wait a sec, you don't even wear shorts.
• Perch: This just in, [shoots shorts onto himself] things are about to get breezy.
• [Perch laughs as his cannon begins shooting bermuda shorts. Patrick dodges them and retaliates by shooting out T-shirts. Perch jumps out to avoid them and continues shooting.]
• Perch: Incoming, 100% denim!
• Patrick: [screaming while shooting t-shirts before pulling out a small rocket with his face on it] Time to tee up a shirt-pocalypse.
• [Patrick inserts the rocket into his cannon and launches it. It goes near Perch before maneuvering into the sky.]
• Perch: Huh? What?
• [The rocket continues to shoot up before turning around and heading right towards the ground. Patrick and a whimpering Perch stand under its shadow as it explodes on the ground. A T-shirt shaped mushroom cloud is created, sending Patrick flying into a cabinet shaped building. Inside, Bobby Babbington is walking across the room, passing by an anchovy examining a radioactive toaster, a fish being pricked by roller skates with spiky wheels, and another fish being entranced by a GrandPat spell book.]
• Bobby: Here at the Better Business Bureaucracy, I, Bobby Babbington, have been getting too many phone calls about unsafe products from an obscure television show.
• [Patrick crashes into the room, screaming as he slides across the table and lands at the toys at the end of the table.]
• Bobby: Oh?
• Patrick: [gets up and grabs the toys] Hi, I'm Patrick Star, and you found all my toys!
• Bobby: [grumbling]
• [T-shirt transition to Squidina on stage with a mannequin head in hand walking up a step-ladder towards a wood chipper.]
• Squidina: We get it, you've got places to be, and that means you only have four seconds for a haircut. [activates the chipper] That's why you need the Patrick Star Brand Hair Chipper. [eases head towards the chipper] Gently ease your head in like so and...
• [The hair instantly covers the entire glass. The audience cheers in amazement just as Bobby Babbington pulls over in his car. He steps out the vehicle and grabs a bag.]
• Bobby: [camera zoomed in on face] Time to confiscate. [confiscates an ax and an Ouchie doll from two lawnies] Battle axes, rusty nail ouchie dolls? [grabs a tattoo kit from another lawnies] Bunny Star Brand Tattoo Kits?
• [Yet another lawnie is holding a fiery stick and is about to put it in his mouth before Bobby takes it from it.]
• Bobby: No! [puts stick in his bag]
• Incidental 41: Aww.
• [The entire Star family sans Patrick is on stage holding uranium rods. Bobby's shadow enlarges as he looms closer.]
• Squidina: Next up, "The Patrick Show" Uranium Playset.
• Patrick: [comes in from the left and knocks on the TV] Everybody, quick! That's Bobby Babbington from Binky Bottom's Banana Blather, and he's coming to take our dangerous stuff!
• [The Stars start panicking as Bobby gets closer.]
• Bunny: Oh, that's awful. What do we do?
• Squidina: [turns knob on the TV] Go to commercial, quick!
• [Through static, Bobby is cut into the room from the Pat the Hapless commercial. Bobby looks around confused.]
• Bobby: Huh?
• TV Announcer: Hey, kids.
• Bobby: [looks to the right] Oh?
• [The same two kids from the commercial are at the same table, the boy twirling the fan on his cap and the girl reading a book.]
• TV Announcer: Still bored?
• Both kids: [groaning] Yeah.
• TV Announcer: Well, check this out.
• [Lightning strikes down onto the middle of the table as both kids scream in surprise. The lightning dissipates to reveal an action figure of Bobby Babbington.]
• Both kids: [looking in awe] Wow!
• [The camera zooms in to show the action figure in detail.]
• TV Announcer: The Bobby Babbington of the Bikini Bottom Better Business Bureaucracy Action Figure bursts into battle!
• Boy: [grabs Bobby figure and raises it up] Toys are dangerous! [presses back of figure to make the arm point] I'm coming to take yours away!
• [The boy holds the figure, now holding a pen, to some paper. He writes with the figure while Bobby watches surprised.]
• TV Announcer: Bobby Babbington really fills out paperwork.
• Boy: We'll need this in triplicate.
• Bobby: [walks to the table and points at the Bobby figure] May I see that?
• Boy: Oh, sure.
• Bobby: [takes figure and looks at it] I always wanted to be a toy.
• TV Announcer: Bobby comes in with his own built-in document stapler.
• [The head of the Bobby action figure falls out, revealing the stapler inside. Bobby presses the belt button, accidentally ejecting a staple into his eye.]
• Bobby: [covering his eyes] Ah!
• Boy: Oh, no.
• Girl: You're not gonna take away our toy, are you, mister?
• Bobby: [looking angry] That... [gains a smile] That was the first thing I've felt in years. [sheds a tear and hands the figure back to the boy] Here's your toy back, kids.
• Boy: Yay!
• Girl: Hooray!
• [Static transition back to the Star house. Bobby is holding his bag of confiscated toys.]
• Bobby: [throwing toys out of bag] And here's everyone else's toys back! I was wrong! Safety doesn't matter!
• Lawnies: Yay!
• [The toys fall onto the lawnies as they all scream.]
• Bobby: [continuing to throw toys] Here you go! There! There! For you! Here, one for the baby!
• [Transition through a TV into the Star house, where the stage is covered in the money The Star family jump out of it.]
• Squidina: We did it, everyone. [rubs money on face] Through the power of merchandising, we funded season two.
• Cecil: And then some. Say, how much money did we end up making anyhow?
• Patrick: Oh, I got it! [digs into money and picks it up from below]
• Bunny, Cecil, Squidina, and GrandPat: Whoa! [drops down to the stage]
• Patrick: [heads off stage] Let's use the official "Patrick Show" Brand Money Counter. [laughs]
• Squidina: But we never made a "Patrick Show" Brand Money Counter.
• Patrick: [shredding money with wood chipper] What? I can't hear you over the "Patrick Show" Brand Money Counter. [finishes shredding money] That ought to do the trick. [walks back on stage] So how rich are we?
• [The shredded money cover the Stars blow away, revealing their shocked faces.]
• Patrick: Oh.
• Squidina: [holds up shredded money] You know, maybe there's a lesson here.
• Patrick: Yeah, maybe TV shows shouldn't just be about selling stuff and making money.
• Cecil: Maybe they're really about making art.
• Bunny: Right, and making people happy and--
• [The ground starts shaking, making Bunny lose her balance. The Stars scream in terror as a zoom out shows a giant Shmandorian covering the sky and deeply laughing. Cut to the Shmandorian shaking the dome the Star house is now in in a blue infomercial screen.]
• Rubedor: [voice-over] Order your highly collectible "Patrick Show" snow globe today.
• Shmandorian: [gives thumbs up] Yeah!
• Rubedor: [voice-over] Must be 800 years or older to call.