The Prehistoric Patrick Star Show/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Prehistoric Patrick Star Show/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [The episode opens with a recreation of the Patrick Star Show's theme song. Cave Patrick comes out of his house]
• Cave Patrick: [caveman grunts] Me Patrick Cave Star! And me live with cave parents! [grabs curtains and falls over]
• [Cut to Cave Cecil fishing with a bone fishing rod.]
• Cave Patrick: This me Cave Dad!
• [Cave Patrick runs into another room, breaking boards. Cave Cecil fishes up a giant spider that licks him. Cave Bunny is looking through the fridge, and Cave Patrick appears from a hole and gestures to her.]
• Cave Patrick: This me Cave Mom!
• Cave Bunny: Hi! [a dinosaur comes out of the fridge, she hits it with a club] Ooh! [she puts it on a plate]
• Cave Patrick and Cave Bunny: Ooh!
• [Transition to Cave Patrick appearing in front of a stalagmite and falling down. He turns the camera to Cave Squidina.]
• Cave Patrick: This me Cave Sister!
• Cave Squidina: Huh? [roars, briefly reverts to a feral form, and swims away]
• Cave Patrick: She's shy!
• [Cut to GrandPat riding around on a giant bug.]
• GrandPat: [laughing]
• Cave Patrick: This me Cave Grandpa! [runs into his studio] This me cave! And this...
• [The CaveStars are launched out of their volcano house and into a tar pit. Some prehistoric lawnies are heard grunting.]
• Cave Patrick: This me cave show!
• [A boulder crushes the family, with the oil splatting on screen and wiping off to show a "The Cave Patrick Star Show" title card. Fade to black, then zoom out of a giant rectangular monolith. The prehistoric lawnies run up and scrape it. It falls over and they run away, but one gets crushed. The rest take a seat on it. A prehistoric Slappy licks his thumb and tosses a bone through the air. It hits Cave Patrick in the face and his head throbs. He sits up.]
• Cave Patrick: [screams, jumps off TV set, rips knob off]
• Lawnies: [clapping rocks, cheering]
• Cave Patrick: Ooh, ha! [jumps into set and swallows chair] What today show about, Cave Squidina?
• Cave Squidina: Well, let's consult Rock of Ideas.
• [She goes over to a giant square rock with Squidasaurus Rex on one side and a fish bone on the other. It crushes Cave Patrick's toes, making him scream. Cave Squidina looks at the top of the rock, which has a fire engraved on it; the other side has a bone.]
• Cave Patrick: [screams]
• Cave Squidina: Fire!
• Cave Patrick: [stops screaming] Ah! [removes foot and spins into his seat, now wearing a tie] Ladies and hominids, please put hands together for today guest-- Fire!
• [Lightning strikes and a fire appears on the couch.]
• Lawnies: Ooh!
• Cave Patrick: [shakes fire's hand] How's it going, Fire? [hands light on fire] Good to have you on show. So Fire, who's your latest flame? [fire burns] Come on, Fire! Me trying to ignite conversation! [burns up] Uh...
• [A dinosaur smells the smoke, screeches, and bashes a mounted mammoth head with a spiked club. It sprays water out of its nose and extinguishes Cave Patrick into ash.]
• Cave Patrick: Now onto next and much safer part of show-- cavetoon segment!
• [The ash blows away. Cave Patrick pushes a giant rock TV in front of the set.]
• Cave Patrick: [grunting] Phew! [turns TV set on, showing cave drawings of Snail Fail and Sir Urchin]
• Snail Fail: Guess what, Sir Urchin. Me just invent slapstick.
• Sir Urchin: Jolly good, old bean. Let's see it then.
• [Snail Fail hits Sir Urchin with a tree branch.]
• Sir Urchin: [shakes fist] Why, you...
• Snail Fail: [shrugs] What me do? [hits Sir Urchin with a rock wheel]
• Sir Urchin: [jumps and shakes fist] Why, you...!
• Snail Fail: [shrugs] What me do?
• Cave Patrick: [laughs]
• Cave Bunny: [calling] Breakfaaast!
• [Cave Patrick, Sir Urchin, and Snail Fail look in her direction.]
• Cave Bunny: Breakfast time, Cave Patrick!
• Cave Patrick: Okay! [throws rock TV set away]
• [Cave Patrick sits next to Cave Squidina.]
• Cave Bunny: Well, let's dig in. [reveals her back to Cave Cecil]
• Cave Cecil: Ah! [picks a bug off her back] Ooh, my favorite-- lice pilaf. [eats bugs off Cave Bunny's back]
• Cave Patrick: [licks lips]
• [Cave Squidina turns around, and her back is clean. Cave Patrick rubs her back, and then groans, with his reflection on her.]
• Cave Patrick: Aw, stinkin' smooth squid sister's skin! [flops on the table]
• Cave Squidina: [laughs] Oh, boy! [eats bugs off Cave Patrick]
• Cave Patrick: I think my stomach is gonna-- [stomach roars]
• Cave Squidina: [screams, runs away in a burst of ink]
• Cave Patrick: [pushes stomach down]
• Cave Bunny: Cave Patrick! What have we said about going-- [roars] to your sister?
• Cave Patrick: [ashamed] Sorry, Cave Mom.
• [Cave Cecil and Cave Bunny leave. Cave Patrick's stomach growls again.]
• Cave Patrick: [pushes it down] Oh, hush up, will you? I'll get you some food. [goes to the kitchen, looks in a jar] Food? [throws it away, opens fridge] Food! [sees a bunch of vegetables inside] Ugh, plants-- not food!
• Vegetables: [grow faces, sigh in relief] Whew.
• [A bone transitions to Cave Patrick walking through his house.]
• Cave Patrick: Food? [sees tiger on rug] Oh! [looks in its mouth] Hmm... [gets bitten and screams, flies off-screen, whimpers, walks back with his eye still extended] Huh? [sees a prehistoric Shmandor, laughs, tries to eat it, and gets attacked with weapons, including fire, and screams] I hate spicy food! [smashes Shmandor with a rock, hears music playing] Huh?
• [Cave Patrick looks at a prehistoric Goofy Goober waiter walking around outside with an ice cream cart. Two dinosaurs carry it and another plays the music.]
• Prehistoric waiter: Dinosaur milk ice cream-- it edible.
• Cave Patrick: [drools, takes out spear] Hunting spear? [drops it] Nah. [takes out ice cream scoop] Hunting scoop? Ah! [laughs, slithers out the window]
• [Cave Patrick appears behind kelp and stalks the waiter multiple times, scaring him.]
• Prehistoric waiter: Hello? Me not prey.
• [Cave Patrick, with the scoop in his mouth, is hiding behind a rock.]
• Cave Patrick: [laughs, spits] Now it time for sneak attack!
• [He hollers and jumps at the waiter, but the cart is eaten by a Bubble Bass-like dinosaur.]
• Cave Patrick: Hey, that me ice cream! [screams, head explodes like a volcano, slams the Bubblebassasaurus by the tail and swings it away] No one taking Pat food! [throws it, loud explosion booms]
• [A now buff Cave Patrick beats his chest and hollers. He smells a scent trail.]
• Cave Patrick: Ooh, what a heavenly scent. [points smell trail down and runs on it, giggles] Follow to eat stuff at other end of smell. [dives into the top of his house, screams, and lands next to a bowl of green liquid] Finally, food!
• GrandPat: Food? What do you mean "food"? [shows pants on a stick] I'm doing my laundry.
• [A prehistoric crab runs across the pants and snickers. Cave Patrick tries to eat the pants, but GrandPat hits him on the head. Stars, bones, and a dinosaur skull circle around his head.]
• GrandPat: Uh-uh-uh. [throws it away] Eat your own loincloth!
• Cave Patrick: [stomach rumbles] Aw! But Cave Pat hungy!
• GrandPat: [laughs] Ah, you kids got it tough with this newfangled huntin' and gatherin'. It was way easier back in my day when everything was food-- back in the days of the primordial ooze. [pan down to the soup, focusing on a green cell] Yes, siree, back then, I was quite the spry little cell. [cell turns around to show GrandPat's face] And the whole world was my all-you-can-eat buffet.
• [GrandPat's cell form eats other cells to the tune of "The Blue Danube."]
• GrandPat: [puts salt and mustard on a cell] Back then, I didn't have a care in the world. [makes a sandwich out of it, and bites it]
• Cell: Ouch! [growls, whistles]
• [A bunch of other cells fly into the cell's mouth.]
• GrandPat: Till those darned cells banded together and formed a multicell organism!
• Multicell organism: [cackles]
• [Cell GrandPat poops. He flees from the multicelled organism and swallows a bunch of strange cells.]
• GrandPat: Me was in trouble! Me had no choice but to evolve and get out of there.
• [Cell GrandPat grows claws, scales, and a reptilian eye. He stumbles onto land.]
• GrandPat: Ha! Who's the higher life-form now? [gets eaten by a dinosaur] Ah!
• [Cave Patrick's tongue appears over the flashback. He licks some of it out of the pot.]
• GrandPat: [grabs Cave Patrick's tongue] Stop eating the flashback! It'll give you indigestion!
• [The room rattles.]
• Cave Patrick and GrandPat: Oh!
• GrandPat: See what I mean?
• Cave Patrick: Um, I don't think that was me.
• [The room rattles again.]
• GrandPat: Oh, right! We live in a volcano!
• [The volcano erupts and Patrick flies out in a fireball.]
• Cave Patrick: [screams, then] Huh? Oh, hello again, Fire. [shakes its hand] Welcome back to the show. [screams, blows fire out] Let's have a hand for Fire.
• [Patrick flies into Cave Granny Tentacles' backyard, where she is barbecuing. Cave Patrick lands on the grill.]
• Cave Granny Tentacles: Ah! You break me lunch!
• Cave Patrick: Me sorry!
• [Cave Patrick's butt lights on fire.]
• Cave Patrick and Granny Tentacles: [scream]
• [Cave Patrick runs around and cools off his butt in Cave Granny Tentacles' pool.]
• Cave Patrick: Whoa, cool. [leans over fence] Hey, guys!
• Other CaveStars: Huh?
• Cave Patrick: Cave Granny Tentacles has a pool!
• Other CaveStars: [switch into swimming outfits] Pool party!
• [They dive into the pool. Cave Cecil spits out a fountain of water, but it gets stuck. The music slows down.]
• Cave Cecil: [struggles to remove the fountain]
• GrandPat: [laughs, then gets his arm stuck] D'ah! Hey, let go, sticky water!
• [Cave Squidina, Cave Bunny, and Cave Patrick are all frozen.]
• Cave Patrick: What is this stuff?
• [Zoom out to a sign reading "Granny Tentacles' Famous Tar Pit."]
• Cave Squidina: "Granny Tentacles' famous tar pit"?
• Cave Patrick: Oops.
• [The CaveStars scream and sink into the tar.]
• Cave Granny Tentacles: [laughs] Dumb Star-anderthals. [slurps drink]
• [The Bubblebassasaurus, now bandaged and injured, eats Cave Granny Tentacles and roars. Fade to the tar pit now being a block of concrete. A construction crew works at it. A crane lifts up the block and a buzzsaw cuts through it. Three construction workers look inside.]
• Construction worker: [gasps] Holy fish paste!
• [The CaveStars are stuck in a block of the tar.]
• Cave Bunny: Hooray, we're saved!
• [Fade to the Stars still stuck in the tar, but on display at a museum.]
• Cave Bunny: Wait. [zoom out to show a "Prehistorical Bikini Bottom" exhibit] No, we're not.
• [The present-day Star family come in, laughing.]
• Patrick: Hey, look at 'em! They're so ugly!
• GrandPat: [comes out of tar] Freedom! [laughs] You guys may be dumb, but you're not as dumb as these guys!
• [The Stars laugh and walk away.]
• Patrick: How stupid do you have to be to get stuck like that?
• [They all step in some chewing gum.]
• Squidina: [gasps] Chewing gum!
• [They scream, struggle, and get stuck in a wad of chewing gum similar to the block of tar.]
• CaveStars: [laughing]
• Patrick and Cave Patrick: I guess some things never change!
• Stars and CaveStars: [laughing]
• [The skeleton of the Bubblebassasaurus eats the Stars, blows a bubble with the gum, and roars.]