Time to Eat/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Time to Eat/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [A shot of the Star house is seen. Inside, Patrick is watching two paint splotches on a wall, wearing a foam finger, paint bucket hat, and waving a flag.]
• Patrick: [laughs] Woo! Go, go, go! [to audience] My, oh, my, this is a tight race, folks. [pokes some paint] Which of these two paint colors will dry first? Will it be [intense close-up as Patrick touches it] Beige the Brisk Blur or [intense close-up as Patrick touches his foam finger against it] Turbo Throttle Tan? [points to self] I'm betting all my green on [points to the left paint sample] beige. [pats stomach, takes off foam finger to reveal his real finger shaped like it] This excitement is sure making me hungry. [starts eating popcorn, chomping] Oh-ho, it's so good.
• [Squidina is watching. She nearly falls asleep, but catches herself. Two lawnies are asleep and snoring, and the third falls on the ground face-first.]
• Squidina: Psst, [pokes him] uh, Patrick, I'm not sure watching paint dry is, uh, quality entertainment.
• Patrick: [reaches his fingers through the bottom of the bucket] Oh! [looks through the hole] Out of snacks already! [puts hand on cheek] I can't watch this race without snacks! Give me one sec, folks!
• [Patrick dashes and hits the paint wall. He stumbles backwards, tripping over his paint bucket and making the curtains fall.]
• Patrick: [groans woozily, lifts up the tiki stand in his room and throws it] Aah! Snacks? [jumps in a toilet and comes out of the dinosaur foot] Oh, snacks? [appears in front of screen] Snacks? [looks under display] Here, snacky, snacky! [picks up volcano display] Hmm. [gets blasted by the eruption, revealing his skull; he shakes his face back to normal] Barnacles. There are no snacks in my room at this time.
• [He throws the volcano away and a guy is heard screaming. A buzzer goes off.]
• Patrick: Time? [gasps, looks at time closet] Time closet. [pokes the buttons] There's gotta be all sorts of snacks [door opens, claps his hands and runs in] throughout all of time.
• Squidina: [puts on her bike helmet with a camera] Ooh, a time travelogue food show. Now this'll be quality entertainment.
• [She starts recording on her camera and the screen zooms into it, then zooms out on Patrick's mouth. Patrick is flying a plane made of food over Easter Island, the Statue of Liberty, and the Taj Mahal, and the Eiffel Tower, all made out of food.]
• Patrick: ♪ Bonjour! My name is Patrick! [chomps plane] I eat a lot of food! ♪
• [Patrick, covered in chum, pops out of the Chum Bucket dumpster, scaring Plankton.]
• Patrick: ♪ Fresh or not ♪
• [Patrick is being roasted on a fire with an apple in his mouth against a tropical backdrop.]
• Patrick: ♪ Or scalding hot ♪
• [Patrick is at Fancy!, sucking a string of spaghetti from a huge pile.]
• Patrick: ♪ I'm always in the mood ♪
• [Patrick is back in his plane, with a giant jellyfish net hanging down.]
• Patrick: ♪ I'll fly around the globe ♪
• [Patrick flies past an old-timey painting, taking the food from everyone in it.]
• Patrick: ♪ To chew new things to chew ♪
• [A whirlpool is shown with various foods and items being sucked into it. Patrick is holding his head and feeding it ice cream with a spoon.]
• Patrick: ♪ Through time and space, I feed my face ♪
• [The screen zooms out to show the whirlpool in the time closet.]
• Patrick: ♪ That's right, folks! It's [the words appear] time to eat! [Patrick comes out of the time closet] Some food! ♪ [winks and closes it]
• [The time closet opens up again and Patrick and Squidina step out.]
• Patrick: Our first exotic food location from a far-off time is... [white flash, they are seen standing in the Star kitchen with the family already eating] our kitchen from two days ago!
• [Patrick kicks the table away and steps to Past Patrick, who is holding a plate with mashed potatoes, peas, and a chicken leg. Past Patrick leans away.]
• Patrick: Say, Past Patrick, [reaches over for it] how's about you give me a little taste of that?
• Past Patrick: [kicks Patrick's face] No! No, you get your own, you Patrick!
• Patrick: [thinks, then takes out money] I'll give you 500 bucks for it.
• Past Patrick: Deal! [pockets the money and runs away as Patrick eats the meal]
• Squidina: Patrick, that's a lot of money to just give away. Think of our show's budget.
• Patrick: Oh, I didn't give anything away. [the money appears in his pocket with a flash] Time travel, remember? [chuckles, points off-screen] Oh, that guy's a real sucker.
• [Transition to Patrick in a live-action modern kitchen. He holds up a bunch of gross-looking meat in the shape of the words "Time to Eat."]
• Patrick: Coming up next on "Time to Eat"...
• [An 18th century France palace is seen, with a fountain and bush that look like Lady Upturn. Some French townsfolk are chanting and holding up forks. Lady Upturn looks out from her balcony.]
• French Narrator: Ah, 18th-century France, the land of my ancestors.
• Townsfolk: [chanting] We want cake! We want cake!
• Lady Upturn: Sacre bleu, [fans herself] you are really in a pickle this time, Marie.
• [The time closet appears inside of the palace. Squidina and Patrick walk out.]
• Squidina: Ooh, très chic.
• Patrick: [eyes go big] Holy Spumoni! [points to a giant cake] Now that's what I call a cake. I'm sure no one would mind if I sneak a little taste. [samples some frosting, eyes widen, then digs into the entire cake]
• Townsfolk: Cake! Cake! Cake!
• Lady Upturn: [opens door] Fine! If I give you a slice, will you all go away and leave me in opulent peace?
• Townsfolk: [rush in, clamoring]
• Lady Upturn: Let them eat cake!
• Townsfolk: [stop running] Huh?
• [Only the skeleton of the cake is seen left, and it collapses. Patrick comes out of it.]
• Patrick: Uh, hey. You got any dessert to wash down all this cake? [sees some frosting on a bone] Huh? [slurping]
• Lady Upturn: [gasps] I am le offended!
• Townsfolk: [shake their fists at Upturn] We are le offended! [point to her] You promised us cake!
• Lady Upturn: [lifts dress and backs away nervously] Okay. Okay. Don't get your potato sacks in a twist.
• Patrick: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Queen, ma'am. It's just cake. Nothing to lose your head over.
• [An executioner is seen at a guillotine.]
• Executioner: Yeah. [snickers, blade shinging]
• Patrick: Well, adios, muchacho. [spins the time closet wheel and picks up a horrified Squidina, carrying her inside] All right, Squidina, let's get going. [the time closet disappears]
• [Upturn's head rolls in.]
• Lady Upturn's head: [groans, jumps] I am double le offended!
• [Patrick is seen dressed as Guy Fieri, driving across a beachside city and holding a giant burger with "Time to Eat" written on the side in mustard.]
• Patrick: You're watching "Time to Eat."
• [The S.S. Super Minnow is seen floating in the middle of an asteroid field.]
• TV announcer: In the far-off future, Captain Quasar fights his worst foe yet... [Quasar's stomach grumbles] An empty tum-tum.
• Quasar: [pressing buttons on a console] Reheat? Popcorn? [alarm beeping] Clock? Gadzooks! [grabs stomach] I'm just trying to make lunch, [folds arms] not do rocket surgery. [points upwards] Pat-Tron...
• [Pat-Tron beams down, using one of his eyes to play paddleball.]
• Quasar: [points to head] use your advanced robo-brain to [points to machine] figure this machine out.
• Pat-Tron: [salutes] Yes, sir! [presses buttons] Beep bo bo beep! [bashes his head with it, grunting]
• Quasar: Why do I even bother? [a blue flash of light appears] Aah!
• [Patrick and Squidina exit the time closet in Quasar's ship.]
• Patrick: Our next tasty destination is the future. [holds microphone to Quasar] Chef Quasar, tell us all about [makes sweeping arm motion] the food of the [wiggles fingers] future. [echoing and fading, face shrinks] Ture, ture, ture.
• Pat-Tron: [spins around and blabbers, gestures to console] Machine's operational!
• Quasar: [rubbing hands] Ah, finally. [sticks out his hands and a small pellet of food is dispensed, licks lips] Mm-hmm. [close-up] Doesn't that look mouthwatering?
• Patrick: That's future food? That's not gonna fill [pokes stomach with microphone] me up.
• Quasar: Au contraire. [takes out an eyedropper and a drop of water from his helmet] A drop of water leads to... [drops it and the pellet expands into ribs, a salad, a turkey, a candle, and a glass of water, the candles light] a meal fit for a space fleet! [chuckles, turns to Patrick] Ain't that just spiff-- [screams and eyes squish against helmet] [horn blares]
• [Patrick is dumping a lot of the pellets in his mouth. He swallows them.]
• Patrick: What'd you say about space feet?
• Quasar: [shocked] Great Scott, Patrick Star! It's dangerous to consume that many dehydrated feast pellets.
• Patrick: [panicked] It is? Oh, what do I do? [grabs Pat-Tron] What do I do!?
• Pat-Tron: [takes out glass of water] Quick, wash it down with this water.
• Patrick: Oh, good idea. [drinks water]
• Quasar: No!
• Patrick: [sighs, then inflates to fill the entire spaceship] Wow, I'm actually full for once.
• Quasar: Oh, [folds arms] I knew we should have ordered takeout.
• Pat-Tron: That's a waste of space dollars. Let's just get the food outta that guy.
• [Pat-Tron presses a red button that ejects all the food out of Patrick, sending him and Quasar into space.]
• Quasar and Pat-Tron: Whoa!
• Patrick: Hey, my food! [deflates]
• Squidina: [is pressed against the wall, groans and falls, lifts her head]
• Patrick: [head is floppy] Squidina, I'm so hungry. [his entire body is skeletal with loose skin] There's nothing left of me but skin and even more skin.
• Squidina: [runs around him, wrapping up all the skin and snapping it back on] Don't worry, big bro, I'm sure there'll be something delicious at the next destination. [takes his hand and runs back into the time closet] No time to waste!
• [The time closet disappears. A grayscale image of Patrick with eyelashes holds a giant ice cream cone with "Time to Eat" written in it.]
• Patrick: "Time to Eat." [licks ice cream]
• [The time closet arrives in a snowy forest. Squidina steps out. Patrick catches a snowflake on his tongue, then steps out.]
• Squidina: [shivering] Brr. It's c-c-cold here.
• Patrick: That reminds me of my favorite cold foods. [thought bubbles appear] Cold ice cream, cold cuts, cold pizza from the back of the fridge! [bites the pizza thought bubble, they all burst]
• Explorer: [off-screen] Hello there. [he is with a bunch of hungry people] Welcome to the snowbound Donner party. Are you hungry? 'Cause we sure are.
• Squidina: [concerned] Donner?
• Patrick: Oh, must be old fancy talk for dinner. [puffs out chest, makes hand motions] Uh, excohse moi. Me want Donner puh-lease.
• Explorer: [stirring stew, ominously] Oh, we'd love to have you for dinner. [laughs, head turns] George made an excellent stew.
• George: [comes out of stew] Howdy!
• Explorer: Quiet, George! [notices Patrick, snickers]
• Patrick: [excited] Stew?
• Squidina: [pushes him away] Nope, nope, nope, nopedy nope. [tries to push him through the time closet]
• Patrick: [holds onto the edges] Oh, come on. I'd die for some Donner.
• Squidina: Yes! You would! [tackles him through]
• Patrick: Hey!
• [A transition screen shows neon-colored Patricks appearing against an inverted background.]
• Patrick: "T-t-t-time to Eat."
• [A logo screen shows Patrick's body forming the "T" and his head forming the "t". His head eats the letter "a". Patrick and Squidina appear from the time closet in prehistoric times.]
• Squidina: Phew. Safe at last.
• [A clam-like dinosaur swoops down and eats a dinosaur GrandPat.]
• Clam dinosaur: [screeches]
• GrandPat: [yells]
• Squidina: [tugs collar] Relatively speaking.
• Patrick: [collapses] Oh, I haven't had a meal in so long. [rolls to Squidina] Minutes even! [falls back down] I need something big.
• [A bunch of hunter cavefish clamor and chase a woolly clammoth.]
• Patrick: [eyes water, he sees the woolly clammoth as a burger] Oh boy. Fast food! [runs to it]
• Squidina: [gasps] Patrick! Stop! That's a woolly clammoth! [runs after him]
• [Patrick pushes the hunters out of the way and takes out a spear]
• Patrick: Out of my way, Meanderthals! [grunts, sticks the spear into the ground and flings himself with it] Yah!
• Squidina: Patrick, no!
• Patrick: [shouting, lands in front of the woolly clammoth and bounces, takes out two slices of bread and smacks them between its trunk] Now you're a sandwich!
• Squidina: [tackles Patrick] Stop, Patrick. These beautiful animals were hunted to extinction. [pulls his shirt] How could you eat an endangered species?
• Wooly clammoth: [honks]
• Patrick: [shakes head] You're right, sis. How could I? [Squidina smiles, Patrick reaches for something] Without any [takes out mustard] mustard! [insane cackling]
• [The woolly clammoth trumpets when Patrick grabs its trunk. He pours mustard on it. and prepares to bite. Squidina looks nervous. The wooly clammoth whimpers and Patrick sees its sad eyes. He starts crying.]
• Patrick: [crying] No. I can't eat him. He's so doggone cute! [hugs his trunk, crying, pets trunk] I'm sorry, big guy. I'm sorry.
• [The wooly clammoth hugs Patrick with its trunk. Squidina hugs its trunk. The wooly clammoth notices the hunters jabbing it with spears and growls.]
• Patrick: Hey, hey, hey, all right! That's enough! You're all hungry, right? [pokes to self] Well, I know a place that's throwing a [does pinky gestures] very fancy [raises eyebrows] dinner party.
• Hunters: [shrug] Eh?
• [The time closet appears back in the snowy forest. The hunters walk out. The time closet disappears. The members of the Donner party take out their utensils.]
• Explorers: Oh boy, delivery.
• Hunters: [takes out wooden utensils] Ooh, alfresco.
• [The woolly clammoth trumpets. Squidina pets its tusk.]
• Squidina: Well, it looks like our friend, the woolly clammoth, will live on.
• Patrick: [sees something at the bottom of the screen and gasps, eyes pop out] Huh? [reaches for it] This episode won't, though. [pulls out a timestamp with the episode's running time on it] We're almost out of time. [turns the time machine wheel] So long, woolly clammoth. [sniffles]
• Squidina: [waves, somberly] We won't forget you.
• Woolly clammoth: [tears up, trumpets goodbye]
• [A cave kid waves goodbye as well. The woolly clammoth stomps him.]
• [Stars transition to the time closet door opening in Patrick's room. Patrick and Squidina step out.]
• Patrick: Well, folks, thanks for watching "Time to Eat." We couldn't do it without ["Viewers Like You" text appears; points towards the camera] viewers like you. [applause is heard in the background, credits roll with a lot featuring Squidina, and Patrick only has one credit as "Host."] Now back to the [puts on a paint bucket helmet] real show.
• Squidina: [folds arms; fed up] Oy.
• Patrick: [on stage] Welcome back, paint heads! [When he sees the audience, his eyes widen and gasps. He can see: the entire audience is in woolly clammoth form, Patrick points to them] The audience, they're all woolly clammoths? [drops foam finger] What is happening?
• Squidina: [now a woolly clammoth] Well, if I had to guess, Patrick, I'd say by saving the woolly clammoth in the past, we caused the woolly clammoth population in the present to explode. [audience boos]
• Wooly clammoth lawnie #1: Okay, enough with the sciency talk!
• Wooly clammoth lawnie #2: Yeah, we expect quality entertainment! [all booing]
• [They start yelling and throwing food (mostly tomatoes). Patrick is now a wooly clammoth himself.]
• Patrick: Squidina, look! They love the show so much, they're giving us free food! Finally! It really is time to eat! [catches the food in his mouth and chomps it while Squidina looks very fed up; Patrick licks the screen to end the episode.]