20,000 Patties Under the Sea/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "20,000 Patties Under the Sea" from season 5, which aired on November 23, 2007.

• [The episode begins in Jellyfish Fields, featuring recycled footage from "Jellyfishing"]
• SpongeBob: [through walkie-talkie] Breaker, breaker outer perimeter, looks clear. Over.
• Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Uhh... Robert, Robert... uhh... Ronald, Ronald, Ryan.
• SpongeBob: [through walkie-talkie] Are you sure you're not trying to say "Roger?"
• Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Oh, wait, I got it, I got it! Ringo.
• [SpongeBob sees jellyfish.]
• SpongeBob: Patrick, we have visual contact. Now taking evasive action. [the jellyfish follows him] Subject still in close proximity. Over.
• Patrick: Hello?
• SpongeBob: Please reply.
• Patrick: I wonder if I can order pizza with this thing.
• SpongeBob: Please! Contact imminent, Patrick. Respond now. Please. Please!
• Patrick: SpongeBob, you're gonna need to speak up. My eardrums aren't what they used to be.
• SpongeBob: I can't speak up, Patrick, there's a jellyfish here and I'm worried it might sting me if I make any loud... [SpongeBob bumps Patrick and he screams] ...noises.
• Patrick: Oops. [they run away. The jellyfish shrugs it off]
• SpongeBob: Is he still after us, Patrick?
• Patrick: I don't know, buddy!
• SpongeBob: Should we turn around and check?
• Patrick: Okay. [they both turn around and trip over something poking out of the sand]
• SpongeBob: Oh, I think I landed on my pain center.
• Patrick: I think I landed on a rock. [shows a big rock on the back of his head]
• [SpongeBob looks at the rock questioningly.]
• SpongeBob: Patrick, look! There's a weird thing sticking out of the ground right there.
• Patrick: That's just Squidward sunbathing again. [Patrick points to Squidward who lowers down his sunglasses.]
• SpongeBob: No, not that, Patrick. This!
• Patrick: What is it?
• SpongeBob: I don't know. I think there's something buried underneath it. And I'm gonna go get some shovels so we can dig it up.
• Patrick: We?
• [Cut to large piles of dirt.]
• SpongeBob: Phew! Nothing like a little manual labor to put some hair on your chest, eh, Patrick?
• Patrick: I'll say. [his entire chest is covered with hair while monkey sounds are heard.]
• SpongeBob: Plus, look at what we unearthed! A UFO! [it is actually a submarine. He looks inside] Go on, you first. [Patrick climbs down a ladder with SpongeBob following] Kinda dark, huh?
• Patrick: Yeah, dark.
• SpongeBob: Well, there's gotta be a light switch around here somewhere. Found it. Excuse me, sir. [pulls off a skeleton and proceeds to start the submarine] Hey, Patrick, look! We're moving! And here's the steering wheel!
• Patrick: Now hold it, SpongeBob. You better let me drive.
• SpongeBob: Gimme that wheel!
• Patrick: No! Let go! I wanna drive! [the submarine goes crazy. Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab]
• Mr. Krabs: I don't understand, Squidward. Where are all the customers? I know the Krusty Krab isn't Bikini Bottom's most prestigious eatery, but at least it's better than that salty old Chum Bucket across the street. And that's our only competition.
• Squidward: Am I getting paid extra for this conversation?
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, come on, Squidward. Can't you just pretend to listen for once in your life? Do it for old Mr. Krabs.
• Squidward: Well, since you can't bring any customers into the Krusty Krab, have you ever thought about bringing the Krusty Krab to the customers?
• Mr. Krabs: Quiet, Squidward, I'm brainstorming! Ooh, ooh! What if instead of bringing customers to the Krusty Krab, we could bring the Krusty Krab to the customers?
• Squidward: [in a monotone and singing voice] ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. ♪
• Mr. Krabs: Yes, of course! But how? [the submarine crashes into the Krusty Krab]
• SpongeBob: Can we park here? [Squidward looks up] Hey, Mr. Krabs! Look what Patrick and I found! We're gonna use it to go on a long journey.
• Patrick: Or even around the block!
• Mr. Krabs: That's it! We'll take the Krusty Krab on the road. [cuts to outside] So long, boys. Make me lots of money!
• SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward! Bye, Mr. Krabs! [in a flirtatious tone] Bye, Squidward.
• Patrick: You said "Bye, Squidward" twice.
• SpongeBob: [seductively] I like Squidward.
• Plankton: [looking through a telescope] A traveling restaurant, eh? It's not fair! I had that idea years ago! No matter. If Mr. Krabs wants to play dirty, then Plankton's ready for his turn to take his turn. [laughs and turns the fist from the Chum Bucket building into a flying vehicle]
• SpongeBob: Hello!
• Con Man: Hello.
• SpongeBob: Could I interest you in a Krabby Patty?
• Con Man: No, thanks.
• Patrick: Now what?
• SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick. Mr. Krabs said if we didn't find customers, not to come back. [to Con Man] Are you sure you don't want to be our first customer, sir?
• Con Man: Yeah, I'm pretty sure. [starts to walk away, but SpongeBob stops them]
• SpongeBob: Wait! We'll pay ya!
• Con Man: Hey, thanks again, guys. Good luck with the restaurant!
• SpongeBob: Thank you, sir! Come again!
• Plankton: Those nincompoops are better salesmen than I suspected. [an alarm sets off]
• Karen: Customer approaching.
• Plankton: Hello, little boy. Would you like a chum burger?
• Boy: Uh, does it come in raspberry?
• Plankton: Um, no.
• Boy: Blueberry?
• Plankton: No.
• Boy: Um... raspberry?
• Plankton: Ah, come on, kid. You asked me that already. Now quit wasting my time!
• Mable: Hey, you can't talk to my son that way! Who do you think you are?
• Plankton: I'm Plankton, you old hag. And your son smells like boogers!
• Truck Driver: Hey, you can't talk about my wife that way! What do you think this is?!
• Plankton: I think it's time for you to lose some weight, fatty! That's what it is!
• Mary: Hey, you can't talk to my grandson like that! Someone oughta put you in a mental hospital!
• Plankton: Someone should put you in a box floatin' down the river, Grandma!
• Mary: You're probably right.
• Plankton: You people are crazy. I'm getting out of here! [a person throws a rock at him] What the? [the crowd starts throwing rocks] No! Controls malfunctioning! [people continue to throw rocks] Get away!
• SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.
• Patrick: Yeah?
• SpongeBob: Weren't you supposed to be on kitchen duty? [cut to the kitchen, where the patties are burnt like patty rocks] Oh, no! You burnt all the patties! It's hard as a rock. How are we gonna find somebody who would buy these?
• Truck Driver: [sees there are no more rocks] Hey, the rocks are all gone.
• Crowd: Awwww! [Plankton smiles, but sees SpongeBob coming]
• SpongeBob: Folks, have I got a deal for you. [the crowd sees the hard patties of rocks and eagerly buy them]
• Jack M. Crazyfish: All right, get him! [they start to throw the patty rocks at Plankton]
• Plankton: Aaah! Hey!
• SpongeBob: Won't Mr. Krabs be so proud of us when he finds out how good we're doing? See any new customers, Patrick?
• Patrick: No, but I see a sign. It says. "Warning: Ab... eyes?"
• SpongeBob: Here, let me see. [looks through periscope] No, Patrick, that says "abyss."
• Patrick: Oh, okay. What's an abyss, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: An abyss is a bottomless... [turns around, the submarine falls down the abyss] ...chasm! [an alarm goes off] Pat, we're falling!
• Patrick: And now we're bathed in an eerie red light!
• Plankton: [he sees them falling] Yes! Yes!
• Patrick: [the submarine loses its bolts and breaks in the water] And now, a deafening warning siren! [SpongeBob imitates the sound. the submarine hits a sludgy item, which turns out to be the head of the Sea Monster]
• Sea Monster: [roars]
• SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! We've floated back up, out of the deep, dark, depressing, horrible abyss! [looks at the Sea Monster]
• Sea Monster: Hey! [he grabs the submarine and looks into it] Who are you calling dark and depressing?
• SpongeBob: Daa! We didn't mean it that way, Mr. Sea Monster, sir. What we really wanna know is... are you hungry?
• Sea Monster: Hungry? I've been asleep for 79 years. Which means my last meal was 79 years ago. Yes, I'm hungry.
• SpongeBob: Well then, try one of our Krabby Patties.
• Sea Monster: [eats the Krabby Patty] Mmm! That's the best thing I've tasted since that sewer spill, back in... '76. I'll take 640 of them.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Woo-hoo!
• Patrick: Order... uh... up! [the Sea Monster gives them large wads of cash]
• Plankton: Now that those two are out of the picture, all of the customers will come running to me. [looks at the Sea Monster paying them big money [literally], he rips off the periscope out of fury] This calls for drastic-er-est measures! [Plankton goes into the abyss] Okay, you bums, time for the second course; Chum Charges!
• Patrick: [the Chum Charges explode around the submarine] SpongeBob! Our hull's been breached. Do you know what that means?
• SpongeBob: No!
• Patrick: [after a pause] Neither do I!
• Plankton: Yes! I sunk the Krusty Krab! I sunk the Krusty Krab! I sunk the-- Huh?! [Plankton sees the vehicle crashing into a cavern wall] Ah, who needs that old Rust Bucket anyhow.
• Sea Monster: Come on in there! I want more sandwiches!
• Patrick: [a piece of chum enters the submarine] SpongeBob, look!
• SpongeBob: What is it?
• Patrick: It's a liquid.
• SpongeBob: No, it's a solid! It's a solid!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: It's a "lol-squid"!
• Sea Monster: All right, what's going on in there?! [he sees the Chum Patty] Hey, that looks like a sandwich to me!
• SpongeBob: But not just a sandwich. It's a... Chum-Wich!
• Sea Monster: [eats it and likes it] Mmm! Now that's a sandwich!
• [Cut to a sequence of SpongeBob making Chum-Wiches, Patrick collecting the Chum, and the Sea Monster paying them for the Chum-Wiches.]
• SpongeBob: [the monster's belly is still rumbling] Anything else before we shove off?
• Sea Monster: I want dessert! [Plankton parachutes down]
• SpongeBob: We... we don't have dessert.
• Plankton: [lands from his parachute] Don't give another penny to those fast-food phonies! That's right, they stole my idea! My, my, my-- [the end of the periscope breaks off, he falls down and screams as he rolls into some wet mud, hits a rock and lands next to the Sea Monster's foot.]
• Sea Monster: [looks at Plankton] Hey, a chocolate éclair. [looks at the audience] Now that looks like dessert to me.
• Plankton: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You-- You've got it all wrong, see?! Hey! [the Sea Monster chases Plankton through the abyss. cut to the Krusty Krab]
• Janitor: [repairing the windows SpongeBob and Patrick broke previously] There you are, Mr. Krabs, just like new again.
• Squidward: Now all we have to do is keep SpongeBob away from-- [the submarine crashes into the windows again]
• SpongeBob: We're back, Mr. Krabs!
• Mr. Krabs: Tell me all about it. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!
• SpongeBob: You wouldn't believe it Mr. Krabs, we had so many new customers!
• Mr. Krabs: I don't care about that! Tell me about the money!
• SpongeBob: There we were at the bottom of a deep, dark, abyss. And we had to let go of something heavy.
• Patrick: And paper.
• Mr. Krabs: You let go of all the money I earned as ballast?!
• SpongeBob: [he and Patrick nod their heads; Mr. Krabs turns to the camera, upset] But on the bright side, we did manage to bring back 37,000 pounds of these decorative deep sea rocks! [they spill out, leaving Mr. Krabs puzzled. The episode then fades to black, signaling the end of the episode.]