Captain Pipsqueak/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Captain Pipsqueak" from season 13, which aired on July 22, 2022.

• [The episode opens at the Chum Bucket. Karen is slicing a cucumber, humming a tune.]
• Karen: ♪ La-da-dee, la-da-da, la-da-da ♪
• [Distant screaming is heard coming from Plankton.]
• Karen: Uh-oh. Incoming.
• [Plankton screams and groans as he is thrown from the Krusty Krab and back into the Chum Bucket. Mr. Krabs laughs at him from the exit.]
• Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Plankton, you're a hot mess. Serves ya right, fer tryin' to steal me formular, for the gazillionth time.
• Plankton: I'll have my revenge! Mark my words! [shakes fist, arm falls off] Aw, come on.
• [Mr. Krabs continues laughing.]
• Plankton: This isn't over!
• [Plankton grunts as Karen grabs him.]
• Karen: Hard day at work? I know what you need.
• [Karen puts Plankton in a spa bath. Plankton screams mildly in discomfort.]
• Plankton: Ahh! [gasps. He sighs, whimpers, and starts to cry. He sobs] Oh, Karen, I'm never gonna get that Krabby Patty formula! [sniffles, and takes the cucumber slice off his eye. His eye sticks on the cucumber] Oops. [swallows the eye and it grows back. He chews on the cucumber slice] Mmm, not bad.
• [Plankton leans back onto the spa tub, grabs the TV remote, and turns on the television. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy is on. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are tied up by chains and about to be dipped in a pit of lava. The members of E.V.I.L. laugh.]
• E.V.I.L.: [laughter]
• Man Ray: Enjoy your molten face peels!
• Narrator: Holy clambake! Are Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy about to become hero flambé cooked by Man Ray and his criminal posse of E.V.I.L.?
• Plankton: I hope so! I love it when the villains gain the upper hand. [laughs]
• Narrator: As our heroes face certain doom, the villains escape to their secret underground lair!
• E.V.I.L: [laughing]
• [The members of E.V.I.L. jump into a dumpster and flush themselves down.]
• Plankton: Of course! All I need to do is join the criminals of E.V.I.L.! They'll help me defeat Krabs.
• Karen: Smart thinking. [comes with a towel] You can go as "Towel Man."
• Plankton: Don't be a wisenheimer. [comes out of the tub. His butt shows] I can't accessorize this old rag. [uses the towel to cover himself] I need a real costume.
• [Bubble transition. Circus music plays as a red curtain opens.]
• Plankton: [comes out with a clown costume, holding a pie bomb] Eh?
• Karen: [buzzes with a thumbs down]
• Plankton: Aw. [blows the candle on the pie bomb, which causes it to explode] Ah! [hisses as he comes out with a spider costume]
• Karen: [buzzes with a thumbs down]
• Plankton: [growls and snarls. His teeth fall out. The teeth roar and chase him] Ah! [bubble transition. Plankton comes out with a purple costume and laughs]
• Karen: [dings with a thumbs up]
• Plankton: [smiles and walks, but then trips and groans] Maybe a shorter cape. [bubble transition]
• [A bus drives and stops at a dumpster. Plankton walks out of the bus, and the bus leaves.]
• Plankton: This must be the entrance to their secret lair. A little dumpster dive, and I'm in. [Plankton jumps into the dumpster. He puts his head out of the trash and swims through it, looking for the door. He strains and groans.] Where's the door? [He looks out of the dumpster and stares at something in surprise.] Ooh?
• [A blinking neon sign points to the E.V.I.L. lair, which is in the dumpster right next to Plankton.]
• Plankton: Wrong dumpster. [sighs] Of course.
• [bubble transition to an underground cavern]
• Plankton: [walks into the E.V.I.L. lair] Hello? [laughs] I'm here to join the forces of E.V.I.L.!
• [Plankton walks into the audition room, and Dennis appears handing Plankton a clipboard.]
• Dennis: Dude.
• Plankton: Huh, wha-?
• Dennis: Sign in and wait your turn.
• Villain: Red leather, yellow leather!
• [The villains are standing on stage and reading scripts, reciting lines.]
• Thief: Get out of the car, fellas!
• Sticky Fins Whiting: Take all your money and put it in the bag!
• Squidward: [as Doctor Negative] No, Mr. Bob. I expect you to fry! [cackles]
• Madame Hagfish: When the full moon rises...
• Earworm: [speaking lines]
• Tattletale Strangler: I am the Strangler! [clears throat] I'm the Strangler!
• Robot Mantis: [growling]
• Prawn: What is this yellow thing? Some kind of mold?
• DoodleBob: [babbling]
• Dorsal Dan: To be or--line!
• Gordon: [throws his paper and uses a mallet to smash a watermelon] Ha.
• [The villains chatter on-stage. Man Ray, the Dirty Bubble, the Jumbo Shrimp, and Notodoris are in the audience.]
• Man Ray: We've got quite an impressive rogues gallery up there, eh? [stands up] Thank you for taking time out of your scandalous schedules to try out for E.V.I.L. As you all know, [Nosferatu, Madame Hagfish, and the Strangler are on the stage] we can only pick one new villain to join Team E.V.I.L., so let the judging begin! [gets a clipboard and covers his eyes with a blindfold] Eeny, meeny, miney--- [grunts] Nosferatu!
• Nosferatu: [hisses and comes forward]
• [The Tattletale Strangler shoves Nosferatu out of the way.]
• Tattletale Strangler: No way, Man Ray! I was first!
• Man Ray: [takes out ray gun] First to go bye-bye. [cackles]
• Tattletale Strangler: Huh? [screams and gets zapped, then disintegrates into ash]
• Squidward: [as Doctor Negative] Egad!
• [The villains gasp.]
• Man Ray: [blows on the ray and puts it down] Nosferatu, proceed.
• [Nosferatu hands Gramma a book of sheet music. She opens it and begins playing ominous piano music. Nosferatu strikes multiple poses. E.V.I.L. is unimpressed.]
• Man Ray: Mime? Mime is his evil power?
• [Nosferatu gets blasted with Man Ray's ray gun and disintegrates.]
• Man Ray: [reading clipboard] Robot Mantis!
• [The Robot Mantis gives Gramma some music. She plays upbeat ragtime music and he starts dancing. He whittles away the piano, into a cello, a violin, a banjo, and a kazoo.]
• Robot Mantis: [panting] Ta-da!
• Man Ray: How dare you! We just had that piano tuned!
• [He blasts the Robot Mantis with a ray gun. He falls over and explodes.]
• Man Ray: [with blindfold, pointing at clipboard] Eeny, meeny, miney-- [grunts] Sheldon J. Plankton?
• [Gramma plays "Taps" on kazoo. Plankton jumps on it.]
• Plankton: Thanks, ma'am, but, uh, music won't be necessary. [jumps off the kazoo]
• Man Ray: Right. So what's your supervillain power, little guy?
• Plankton: Well, I'd venture to say it would be my massive, evil intellect. [shines a flashlight to show his brain taking up much of his body]
• Man Ray: Impressive. So where do you see yourself in the next five years?
• Plankton: Well, [shows screen of the Krabby Patty secret formula bottle in its safe] once I finally have the secret formula... [shows footage of a screaming crowd running as building burns] The post-apocalyptic global empire of destruction that results will be mine, [shows slide of Plankton sitting on a throne atop a pile of skulls and bones] and I'll be sitting pretty on a pile of your bones! [cackles]
• Man Ray: That sounds pretty villainous. Okay, you'll move on to the test phase. But first, you'll need a proper supervillain name. [to Jumbo Shrimp] How about "Mr. Green Bean"?
• Notodoris: Ooh, the "Itsy Bitsy Green Guy."
• Man Ray: No, too long. [bell dings] How about "Captain Pipsqueak"?
• Jumbo Shrimp: Yeah!
• Notodoris: I love it!
• Dirty Bubble: [laughing]
• Man Ray: That settles it. Captain Pipsqueak!
• [The members of E.V.I.L. run on stage and lift Plankton up.]
• E.V.I.L.: Captain Pipsqueak!
• Plankton: We can tweak that later, right? [screams as they drop him]
• Man Ray: Okay, team, let's test Captain Pipsqueak's villainy in the real world!
• [Bubble transition to Super Weenie Hut Jr's. We see E.V.I.L. gathered around a table on top of a small hill next to the restaurant.]
• Man Ray: Your first test is to get us lunch: a 25-pound bucket from Weenie Hut Jr.! [cackles]
• Jumbo Shrimp: With Evil sauce.
• Notodoris: Extra Evil sauce.
• Plankton: Odd caper, but no problemo! [He grunts and jumps off. Cut to him ringing the bell inside the restaurant.] I need a 25-pound Weenie bucket, please, and make it [snaps] snappy! Oh, and extra Evil sauce.
• Mister Wiener: Hey, I know that order. You're one of those E.V.I.L. guys. [points to a sign with E.V.I.L.'s faces and the caption "No Food for E.V.I.L. -- Never Ever!"] You're all banned!
• Plankton: Just give me my order, [points] or you'll know the meaning of fear!
• Mister Wiener: [whistles] Security! We got a small problem here.
• [Two hot dog goons walk up and beat up Plankton. He jumps out of the resulting fight cloud. E.V.I.L. waits for their food.]
• Notodoris: So boring.
• Man Ray: Short legs. We should've known better.
• Jumbo Shrimp: I'm starving here! What are the chances he gets our food?
• Man Ray: Slim to none, I'm guessing.
• Plankton: [off-screen] Hello? [pushes the weenie bucket up the hill] Could somebody help me with this? [They grab the hot dogs and eat them. Plankton jumps onto the table and takes out a bottle of sauce.] Oh, and extra Evil sauce.
• Notodoris: Wicked.
• Jumbo Shrimp: Awesome.
• Man Ray: A weenie toast to Captain Pipsqueak!
• E.V.I.L.: Pip pip hooray!
• [They smash their hot dogs into Plankton, making him dizzy. Bubble transition to E.V.I.L. outside a house.]
• Man Ray: Okay, Cap, [holds a bag and lights it on fire with his laser vision] take this bag of snail droppings and leave it on that doorstep over there. [Plankton takes the bag] It's the house of the Foot. He's a superhero do-gooder [shakes fists] who deserves our worst. [points] Go!
• [Plankton giggles, sets the flaming bag on the welcome mat, and knocks on the house. As he tries to run away, a giant blue foot with a cape steps on him.]
• Plankton: [screams and crawls away]
• [E.V.I.L. laughs. The house suddenly explodes.]
• Plankton: Yes! [cackles] I added a little of my own special Chum Mix to the bag.
• Man Ray: Captain Pipsqueak, welcome to E.V.I.L., which stands for...
• E.V.I.L.: [high fiving Plankton] Every Villain Is Lemons! Yeah!
• Notodoris: So Captain Pipsqueak, what's next? [cackles]
• Plankton: Follow me... to world domination! [cackles]
• [Transition to the Krusty Krab. Man Ray blasts a hole in the ceiling with his ray gun and enters.]
• Man Ray: [laughs]
• SpongeBob: [gasps] Mr. Krabs!
• Krabs: [opens the door and slams it on SpongeBob] What now, boy? [puts hands on his head] Shiver me's lumbers!
• [Bubbles come out of the exhaust pipe in the kitchen and float past Squidward, turning into the Dirty Bubble.]
• Dirty Bubble: [laughing]
• [The Jumbo Shrimp smashes the windows with his glass and enters. Notodoris slithers through the floorboards.]
• Notodoris: [laughing]
• [Plankton walks in through the front door and laughs. E.V.I.L. walk to the front of the restaurant. Man Ray takes a woman's drink and sips it. Jumbo Shrimp flips a table. Man Ray holds out Plankton to Krabs.]
• Plankton: You might as well give us the secret formula now, Krabs. I'm the new mastermind of E.V.I.L.!
• Krabs: [laughs] What, you nerds going to a comic convention?
• SpongeBob: Ooh, that is a nice costume, Plankton! [laughs]
• Plankton: The name is Captain Pipsqueak to you. Get 'em!
• [The Dirty Bubble laughs and swallows up Krabs, SpongeBob, and Squidward.]
• Squidward: Dirty Bubble? [pulls on his shirt, which is stained] But I just did my laundry!
• Krabs: Thieves! [bangs fists against the Dirty Bubble] Keep yer filthy, rotten mitts offa me formular!
• [Man Ray goes into Krabs' office, blasts his desk and chair, then blasts the same and takes out the secret formula. Plankton stands on a table and laughs. Man Ray brings it over to him.]
• Plankton: [laughs] Yes! Yes!
• [Man Ray opens the formula bottle and reads the formula.]
• Man Ray: Huh? This isn't the formula for world domination. It's a recipe for a sandwich! How does that work?
• Plankton: Uh, well, with that, I can put this guy [Krabs is growling inside the Dirty Bubble] outta business.
• [Notodoris and Jumbo Shrimp are eating Krabby Patties.]
• Jumbo Shrimp: Mmm, why would we ever wanna do that? These Krabby Patties taste great!
• Notodoris: Yeah, mmm.
• [The Dirty Bubble spits out SpongeBob, Krabs, and Squidward and goes to eat a Krabby Patty. Man Ray returns the formula in its bottle.]
• Man Ray: Here you go, boss. Sorry about that. Keep up the good work. I can't believe this lousy pipsqueak...
• Plankton: Huh?
• Man Ray: Wasted our time!
• [E.V.I.L. surrounds Plankton.]
• Jumbo Shrimp: Some criminal genius he is!
• Notodoris: Right? "Massive evil intellect," my eye!
• Plankton: Nyah! [gets grabbed by Man Ray and dropped in the bottle of Evil sauce]
• Narrator: Holy habanero! Is Plankton forever doomed to be bound by a bottle? Grounded in glass? [Plankton screams and the bottle lights on fire] No! Enveloped by extra Evil sauce!
• [E.V.I.L. laughs as Plankton burns. Krabs suddenly grabs the bottle.]
• Krabs: No outside condirments!
• [He throws the bottle in the trash, which SpongeBob is holding. They walk away contently. Zoom in on the trash can.]
• Plankton: [echoing] Well, this stinks. [the camera irises out as the episode ends]