Driven to Tears/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Driven to Tears" from season 4, which aired on February 19, 2007.

• French Narrator: It is a very special day in Bikini Bottom.
• [Screen moves from Bikini Bottom Island to Boating School]
• SpongeBob: I'm ready! [walking up to Mrs. Puff's Boating School with Patrick] I'm ready! I'm ready! Patrick, did you bring my flashcards?
• Patrick: Right here, buddy. [takes them out of his pocket] Everything you need to pass the test is on these cards. [eats the cards] Mmm.
• SpongeBob: No, Patrick!
• Patrick: Hey, learning tastes good.
• SpongeBob: Patrick, I needed those.
• Patrick: Oh, fiddlesticks. You've taken that driving test more times than anyone.
• SpongeBob: 57 times.
• Patrick: Well then, 58 is your lucky number. You're gonna pass that driving test, SpongeBob, because you're a winner.
• SpongeBob: I'm a winner?
• Patrick: Who's a winner?
• SpongeBob: [sadly] I'm a winner.
• Patrick: Who's a winner?
• SpongeBob: [cheered up a little] I'm a winner.
• Patrick: Who's a winner?!
• SpongeBob: I'm a winner! I'm a winner! I'm a winner! [runs into the classroom]
• French Narrator: One minute, thirty seven seconds later... [SpongeBob walks up crying]
• Patrick: How'd you do, winner? [SpongeBob's crying continues] Let's see that license.
• SpongeBob: I didn't get a license, Patrick.
• Patrick: Are they gonna mail it to ya?
• SpongeBob: No, Patrick, I failed the boating test. I guess 58 wasn't my lucky number after all.
• Patrick: No way! 58 is, like, the luckiest number ever! The test must be rigged.
• SpongeBob: Let's just go home, Patrick.
• Patrick: We're not goin' anywhere, until I get to the bottom of this! I'm takin' that test myself!
• SpongeBob: [hanging onto Patrick's pants] No, Patrick! I've been training for years. They'll eat you alive. [Patrick's pants rip off]
• Patrick: Please, SpongeBob. I think I know what I'm doin'.
• SpongeBob: No, Patrick! Noooooooo!
• Mrs. Puff: [Patrick walks up to the boat she is sitting in and gets in it, in his underwear] Good morning.
• Patrick: You're not the judge of me!
• Mrs. Puff: Actually, I am. Let the testing begin! [clicks her pen. Scene cuts to SpongeBob, outside the boating school]
• SpongeBob: I shouldn't have let him do it. What kind of friend am I?
• Patrick: SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: I'm here for ya, buddy.
• Patrick: I passed my test!
• SpongeBob: You... got a perfect score?
• Patrick: Yeah. I thought you said it was hard.
• SpongeBob: Perfect... score. [eye twitches]
• Patrick: Come on! I'm gonna get my picture taken for my new license. [scene cuts to the license registration building]
• Miss Shell: Stand behind the line, sir.
• Patrick: [smiling] How do I look?
• SpongeBob: [sarcastically] Like a winner.
• Miss Shell: Ready?
• Patrick: Ready. [banner comes down which says "CONGRATULATIONS" on it. Balloons and confetti fall]
• SpongeBob: Huh?
• Fish: Congratulations, Mr. Star. You're the one millionth person to pass the test.
• Patrick: Does that mean I get a free key chain?
• Fish: Uhh, no.
• Patrick: Oh.
• Fish: You get a brand-new boat mobile! The new Bass Blaster 3000. The ultimate boating machine. [Patrick runs up to the new boatmobile as SpongeBob's jaw drops]
• Patrick: Yeah! All right!
• Fish: Women will want you. [all sigh] Men will want to be you. [all faint] You'll be the envy of your friends. [SpongeBob growling in fury]
• Patrick: Isn't this great? I got my license, and a new boat.
• SpongeBob: I'm... so... happy for you... ["La Cucaracha" horn blows in his face] Whoa!
• Patrick: The horn works. [scene cuts to Patrick driving his new boat down the road] Woo! This is the greatest day ever. Right, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Right, Patrick. I can't think of one thing that would make this day better. Except maybe getting my license.
• Patrick: Maybe if you apply yourself, you could be the two millionth person to get his license.
• SpongeBob: Two millionth?
• Patrick: Then you can get a free boat just like me.
• SpongeBob: Yeah, just like you.
• Patrick: I try to serve as an inspiration to others.
• SpongeBob: Can we go home now? [zoom out and scene shows Patrick driving around his rock over and over] We've been drivin' around your house for hours.
• Patrick: I know. It's a lot faster than walking, isn't it?
• SpongeBob: Thanks for the ride, Patrick.
• Patrick: No problem, buddy. You can't help being a... pedestrian. [shudders then drives off. SpongeBob imitates Patrick. Scene cuts to SpongeBob in bed asleep. His clock turns to 3:00am when an engine revving is heard which sends SpongeBob into his diving board then back into his bed]
• SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doin'?!
• Patrick: I'm trying to work on my boat mobile. Now could you keep it down? It's 3:00 in the morning, people are tryin' to sleep. [SpongeBob groans and slams his window shut, breaking it, before going back to bed. Scene cuts to 4:00am]
• SpongeBob: 4:00? [yawns. Doorbell rings] Who could be at the door at this hou— [falls down the stairs. Opens the door] Now what is it, Patrick?
• Patrick: You will never guess what happened to me today.
• SpongeBob: You got your license.
• Patrick: Yeah! [shows his license] But that's not all.
• SpongeBob: You got a new boat.
• Patrick: Yeah. Have you been followin' me? You know, you need to get your own life. [walks off]
• SpongeBob: [gets back into bed] Oh... I just need a few minutes sleep. [foghorn alarm blows]
• Gary: Meow?
• SpongeBob: Yes, Gary, I saw his new boat. [scene cuts to morning where SpongeBob is leaving home to go to work] I'm so tired. [horn honks]
• Patrick: Hey, buddy. Need a ride to work?
• SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick, but I'd rather walk to work. [tries to take a step, but falls down in the process. Scene cuts to Patrick driving SpongeBob to the Krusty Krab]
• Patrick: Boy, I never realized how empty life is without a license.
• SpongeBob: Thanks for the ride.
• Patrick: No problem, buddy. You can give me rides once you get your license. I mean, if you get your license. [SpongeBob is getting extremely enraged]
• SpongeBob: That's it. I am through driving around with Patrick. If I have to see one more boat mobile...
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're mannin' the drive-thru.
• SpongeBob: When did we get a drive-thru?
• Mr. Krabs: I realized there's a lot of young people on the go these days. They don't have time to sit down and eat. They're too busy out on the open road, livin' their dreams.
• SpongeBob: I used to have a dream.
• Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually. Now stop dreamin' and work for a livin'.
• SpongeBob: [through headphones] Welcome to the Krusty Krab, may I ta— ["La Cucaracha" horn honks] Ow!
• Patrick: The horn still works. [scene cuts to SpongeBob switching the OPEN sign to CLOSED then walking out of work. Patrick drives up in a racing uniform] Hey, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: What's with the helmet, Patrick?
• Patrick: Well, since I'm now an expert driver, I have to keep up my image. [clicks tongue]
• SpongeBob: Uh-huh. [scene cuts to Patrick driving]
• Patrick: Boy, driving is so easy.
• SpongeBob: Oh?
• Patrick: Do you want me to give you lessons?
• SpongeBob: [sarcastic] Oh, that would be great.
• Patrick: Oh! [drives over to SpongeBob's parents]
• SpongeBob: Patrick!
• Patrick: Hi, mommy. Hi, daddy.
• Mr. SquarePants: Patrick, how many times do we have to tell you? We're SpongeBob's mom and dad, not yours.
• Patrick: What? I'm an orphan?! Oh, but guess what? I passed my driver's test.
• Mrs. SquarePants: That's great, Patrick.
• Patrick: SpongeBob failed his test, so don't mention it.
• Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, we know how to stay clear of that minefield.
• SpongeBob: Mom!
• Patrick: Well, I've gotta take Mr. Walks-a-lot back home. He's always askin' for rides.
• SpongeBob: Hey! [Patrick drives off]
• Mr. SquarePants: Even Patrick has a license. [both parents sigh]
• Patrick: Let's see what this baby can do. [steps on the gas. Ride pass a sign that reads 'SPEED LIMIT 40 MPH']
• SpongeBob: Patrick, the speed limit is 40mph.
• Patrick: Yeah, yeah.
• SpongeBob: [reads the speedometer] 40.5mph? That's almost 41mph. He's speeding. Patrick! Stop this car. [car stops next to a policeman]
• Patrick: What? Where? Who?
• SpongeBob: Officer, it is my civic duty to report that the driver of this vehicle is speeding. Why don't you clock him with your radar gun?
• Officer: Umm... okay. [uses radar gun. It reads 0mph] Actually, he's going 40 miles under the limit. So move along before I run you in, tattletale. [drives off]
• SpongeBob: Are you sure you don't wanna run him in? [scene cuts to Patrick driving. Green light turns red] That's a red light, Patrick! [Patrick runs through three red lights] Patrick, you just ran three red lights!
• Patrick: So?
• SpongeBob: You're supposed to stop!
• Patrick: I think the driving genius knows what he's doing.
• SpongeBob: [finally snaps] Driving genius?! Would a genius make an illegal U-turn... through an orphanage?!
• Patrick: They ran for it in time. What are you so mad about?
• SpongeBob: I should've gotten that license, and this should be my boat mobile!
• Patrick: How can you say that? If you were my friend, you'd be happy for me getting my license!
• SpongeBob: If you were my friend, you wouldn't rub your license in my face!
• Patrick: I'm not rubbing my license in your face! This is rubbing my license in your face! [takes out license and rubs it in SpongeBob's face--literally--which makes muffled noises]
• SpongeBob: [fixes his face and then furiously snatches Patrick's license out of his hand] Oh, give me that! I worked my whole life for this! You don't deserve this! [furiously tears up Patrick's license then laughs maniacally. The pieces of the license fly into the cop's hands.]
• Officer: Huh... litterbugs. This is why I joined the force. [drives off after SpongeBob & Patrick]
• SpongeBob & Patrick: It's the police!
• Officer: [over speaker] Pull it over, litterbug!
• Patrick: Litterbug?! Noooo! [drives faster]
• Officer: Ooh, I got me a runner. [a bunch of police cars are following him]
• SpongeBob: Patrick, what do you think you're doing?!
• Patrick: I don't know! I don't have a license anymore! [drives around a car]
• SpongeBob: Look out! [Patrick drives through a sign, then off a cliff into the front lot of the Bikini Bottom Jail. Scene cuts to courtroom]
• Judge: 90 days. And I hope you learned a valuable lesson about littering.
• Patrick: So long, buddy. Don't forget to feed Gary. [a security guard takes him away, but he ducks his head back in] Sometimes you forget to feed him. [ducks out of the shot]
• SpongeBob: What have I done? Patrick can't survive in prison; he's too soft. Wait! [runs up to the judge] Patrick's innocent. I tore up Patrick's license and threw it out the window. I'm the litterbug. Take me instead.
• Judge: Well, considerin' there's no legal precedent... oh, what the heck. 90 days! [a smiling SpongeBob is put in jail]
• French Narrator: One debt to society later...
• [After SpongeBob's 90 day sentence, shows the jail as the door buzzes. SpongeBob is let go out of jail where Patrick is waiting for him; the two silently stare at each other smiling for about ten seconds as an orchestra swells dramatically.]
• SpongeBob: Patrick!
• Patrick: SpongeBob! [both hug]
• SpongeBob: I'm glad you passed the test. I'm glad you have a license. And to prove it, I made you this: Pals 4 Ever. [shows him a license plate that reads "PALS 4 EVER"] Let's put it on your boat mobile, buddy.
• Patrick: Oh, I don't have the boat mobile anymore.
• SpongeBob: What?
• Patrick: It stopped workin' so I threw it away. The needle was on E, and I figured that must mean "end."
• SpongeBob: Oh, then... what do we do with this? [Patrick takes it and puts it on his behind]
• Patrick: How's that?
• SpongeBob: Yeah!
• Patrick: Ready, buddy?
• SpongeBob: Ready, pal. [hops on Patrick's shoulders and makes car noises] Woo! Woo!