Enemy In-Law/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Enemy In-Law" from season 4, which aired on October 14, 2005.

• [The episode opens in the city part of Bikini Bottom. Everyone screams and points at a giant Plankton robot as it grabs a handful of people in each hand and drops them inside the Chum Bucket.]
• Plankton: [everyone running around inside] Oh, good, the lunch rush. Now that my ChumBot has dropped you into my clutches, you'll be forced to eat at the Chum Bucket. [everyone stops in their tracks]
• Nat: What?! You mean you kidnapped us just to sell us your fast food?
• Plankton: Come on, it's a standard marketing technique. [people leave]
• Nat: You little twerp!
• Plankton: Hey!
• Karen: He's right, ya know.
• Plankton: Karen?! You think I'm a twerp?
• Karen: Well, yes, but I was referring to the kidnapping.
• Plankton: Everything I do is always wrong in your eyes.
• Karen: Maybe it's because you are always wrong.
• Plankton: Fine. I'm wrong, you're right.
• Karen: You said it, not me. You know, you're lucky to have me.
• Plankton: [walking away] Why did I ever install that nagging software?
• Karen: Nagging software? I heard that! Come back here and dust my screen!
• [Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs is counting money at his office.]
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, money. You're always there for me. [kissing noisily]
• Mama Krabs: Hello, Eugene!
• Mr. Krabs: Mother! Uh, what brings ya by today?
• Mama Krabs: I just wanted to see me favorite son.
• Mr. Krabs: Eh, how much of my money do you want?
• Mama Krabs: Well, I did see the prettiest hat in town today.
• Mr. Krabs: Oh-oh, look at the time! So sorry to have to rush off. Bye! [pushes Mama Krabs out his office and closes his door] Whew, that was a close one.
• [Bubble transition back to the Chum Bucket, where Plankton is in a state of disbelief.]
• Plankton: Why did I ever buy that computer wife? I need a real woman - not a girl in a cold-hearted shell. [hears Mama Krabs humming outside so he brings down his periscope on her] Such beauty. She's an angel; and no wires. I've never felt like this before. I don't even know her name [hearts pop out] and yet she's stolen my heart.
• Karen: Plankton! You've fallen in love with another woman?! I'm your wife!
• Plankton: You're a W.I.F.E. [pulls out chart] Wired Integratred Female Electroencephalograph.
• Karen: Oh, you always pull that one out! [mocking] "You're not a real wife, you're just a computer!"
• Plankton: [sighing] Why don't you have an 'off' switch? [sees an off switch and smiles]
• Karen: Plankton, don't you dare... [turns off]
• Plankton: And now to woo that beloved creature. [ballet jumps out]
• [Bubble transition to the house of Mama Krabs, where she is taking a nap while ChumBot is looking through her window. Then the robot grabs her.]
• ChumBot: Roses are red. Violets are blue. World domination has nothing on you. [she screams]
• Plankton: Hmmm, I guess she's not a poetry fan. [everyone is running around screaming while the robot is using its eye laser to spell out "I ♥ You" on the ground, but while destroying some of the town when doing this. Mama Krabs reads it and screams a few times] Poetry, love notes--nothing's working. Maybe something personal. [Mama Krabs is shrieking. The robot walks over to a rock and karate chops a memorial-like statue of Mama Krabs' head and puts her down]
• Mama Krabs: [stops screaming] Am I really that pretty?
• Plankton: Oh, yeah... I am smooth.
• [The hearts transition to later in the Chum Bucket, where Plankton is using a phone to call Mama Krabs.]
• Plankton: Just dial the number and ask her to dinner. C'mon, you can do this. [dial tones beeping; Plankton grunting]
• Mama Krabs: Hello? [Plankton panting in the phone] I'm hanging up.
• Plankton: Wait! It's your secret admirer.
• Mama Krabs: Oh, you're that giant robot?
• Plankton: [laughing] No. I program the robot. Did you enjoy the gift I sent you?
• Mama Krabs: How did you know I wanted a hat? Have you been spying on me? [6 TV screens are set-up to in different parts of Mama Krabs house]
• Plankton: It was...just a lucky guess. I've admired you from afar for far too long, my angel. We must meet face-to-face.
• Mama Krabs: Well, how about the Krusty Krab? Tonight at 8:00?
• Plankton: Sounds wonderful. I'll be the tall fellow wearing a red carnation. Until tonight, my dear.
• [Bubble transition to Mama Krabs walking into the Krusty Krab.]
• Mr. Krabs: Ah! Quick, SpongeBob, swallow me wallet!
• SpongeBob: OK. [Mr. Krabs shoves his wallet in SpongeBob's mouth and SpongeBob swallows it]
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, sorry, Mommy. I can't lend you any money. SpongeBob accidentally swallowed me wallet. [sniffs his mother's hat] Mommy, you got yourself a hat without my financial assistance.
• Mama Krabs: Isn't it nice, Eugene? It's just the one I wanted.
• Mr. Krabs: But Mommy, you shouldn't be spending me inheritance... I mean, since, you told me you wanted a hat, I went out and I dug one up. [takes out a hat with holes in it]
• Mama Krabs: Where did you get this old thing?
• [Flashback to a funeral where two fish are paying their respects to the person in the coffin.]
• Nat: She looks so peaceful.
• Fred: Yeah. But wasn't she wearing a hat?
• [Mr. Krabs is seen running out with the hat behind him as he leaves the funeral, ending the flashback.]
• Mama Krabs: You can take this back to the trash heap.
• Mr. Krabs: Yes, Mommy. [tosses hat and shovel to Squidward] Squidward, I need you to make a return for me.
• Mama Krabs: Thank ye for your concern for my finances, but me new boyfriend bought me this hat.
• Mr. Krabs: Boyfriend? Someone to spend money...I mean time with you? That's wonderful! Who is he? What's his name?
• Mama Krabs: I don't know. I'm meeting him here, tonight.
• Mr. Krabs: Wonderful! I'll stay open late so ye can have a nice, romantic dinner. Run along, make yourself pretty. SpongeBob, you're working late tonight. No overtime!
• [SpongeBob excitedly lunges himself into the door. Bubble transition to nighttime as Plankton is wearing a rose while walking into the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob is in a waiter uniform.]
• Plankton: [clears throat] I've reservations for two, tonight.
• SpongeBob: Right this way, sir. [pulls back the chair for Plankton as he jumps up on it]
• Plankton: [shouts] Excuse me, I can't reach my silverware!
• SpongeBob: Terribly sorry, sir. [reaches into his pocket and takes out a miniature table and chair. He places it on top of the big table, then grabs Plankton and places him in the chair] Will there be anything else?
• Plankton: Is my tie on straight?
• SpongeBob: You look fabulous! [Mama Krabs walks in] Your gentlemen caller awaits. [Mama Krabs walks up to the table]
• Plankton: [pulls rose away from his body] Hello, my dear. I must say you look ravishing tonight. [Mama Krabs notices Plankton]
• Mama Krabs: Oh, my, you're a tiny thing, but awfully cute. Tell me about yourself. [sits down in a chair that SpongeBob has brought to her]
• Plankton: Well, I'm in the food service business. I'm a bit of a restaurateur. I'm the founder and owner of the Chum Bucket.
• Mama Krabs: Never heard of it.
• Plankton: [points to the Chum Bucket] It's across the street.
• Mama Krabs: Doesn't ring a bell. [Plankton shows her the back of a phone book with a picture of him and the Chum Bucket]
• Plankton: It's on the back of the phone book! Come on! I paid a lotta money for that ad! [puts the book away] Never mind, never mind. I'd like to hear about you.
• Mama Krabs: Well...
• Mr. Krabs: Plankton!
• Plankton: Krabs!
• Mama Krabs: Eugene!
• Mr. Krabs: Mommy?
• Plankton: "Mommy?"
• SpongeBob: [jumps in the air] SpongeBob!
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob...!
• Plankton: This delectable creature is your mother?
• Mr. Krabs: This no-good conniving chiseler is your date!?
• SpongeBob: And this devilishly handsome sponge is your waiter.
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! [SpongeBob leaves] I don't know what sort of skulduggery you're up to, Plankton, and I'm not waiting to find out. [picks up Plankton by his antennae]
• Mama Krabs: Eugene, you put me boyfriend down, this instant! [Mr. Krabs gets a shocked look and stops]
• Plankton: [smiles] Boyfriend?
• Mr. Krabs: But, mommy...
• Plankton: You heard the lady. Let me go. [Mr. Krabs drops him into Mama Krabs' hand]
• Plankton: That's more like it.
• Mama Krabs: Come, Plankton. I'm sorry me son had to spoil our romantic evening.
• Mr. Krabs: Mommy?
• [Bubble transition to the next day at the Chum Bucket. Plankton is cleaning a picture of Mama Krabs as Mr. Krabs breaks in.]
• Mr. Krabs: You!
• Plankton: Eugene.
• Mr. Krabs: I came to warn you, Plankton. Stay away from me mother. I know what you're really up to.
• Plankton: I'm serious, Eugene. I've changed my ways. And all it took was the love of a beautiful woman.
• Mr. Krabs: All you love is thieving and conniving. Now, stop trying to get the formula out of me mother.
• Plankton: What are you talking about?
• Mr. Krabs: I'm talking about the Krabby Patty formula!
• Plankton: Your mother knows the Krabby Patty formula?
• Mr. Krabs: Don't play stupid with me. Of course she does. It's an old Krabs family recipe, and you're not family! [Plankton frowns] I'm telling you for the last time: stay away from me mother. [walks out]
• Plankton: Not family, eh? Well, I can fix that.
• [Bubble transition to Mama Krabs walking back into the Krusty Krab.]
• Mama Krabs: Eugene!
• Mr. Krabs: Mommy!
• Mama Krabs: What did I tell ye about interfering in me life?
• Mr. Krabs: Mommy, can't you see? He's trying to seduce the Krabby Patty formula right from under you.
• Mama Krabs: For your information, Eugene, he hasn't asked me once about the formula. I doubt that he even knows that I know it.
• Mr. Krabs: [chuckles nervously, pulling his shirt as he realizes he let that slip needlessly] Uh, yeah...funny thing about that.
• Mama Krabs: I forbid ye to interfere in me private business. Go to your office, now!
• Mr. Krabs: Yes, mommy. [walks into his office]
• Plankton: Somebody call heaven, because I think an angel's gone missing.
• Mama Krabs: Oh, Sheldon.
• Plankton: Oh, Mrs. Krabs.
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, brother.
• Plankton: Attention, attention, everyone. I'd like to make an announcement. Mrs. Krabs, in full view of this restaurant, I ask you for your hand in holy matrimony.
• Crowd: Aw!
• Plankton: Would you marry me? [a big diamond ring is shown up close]
• Mr. Krabs: Ah, that's it! No more hiding in my room like a scared little kid, it's time to act like a man! [flies, screaming, and jumps at Plankton]
• Plankton: Gasp!
• Mr. Krabs: [jumps in his mother's lap] Please don't marry him, mommy! Don't marry this bad, bad man! [cries] I don't want you to!
• Plankton: Too late, Krabsy. We're going to be married. And you're gonna be my new son! [laughs maniacally. Mama Krabs hands the ring back to Plankton] Huh? What's this, honey bunch?
• Mama Krabs: I'm flattered by your offer, really I am, but I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment. [Mr. Krabs laughs]
• Plankton: What is this? There's somebody else, isn't there?
• ChumBot: [breaks into Krusty Krab with flowers] I... I... this is very uncomfortable. I'll just wait in the car.
• Plankton: I don't believe this! You led me on!
• Mama Krabs: Now, now Plankton, it's not what you think.
• Plankton: I don't wanna hear your lies! You owe me for leading on like this! Give me the Krabby Patty formula and we'll call it even.
• Mama Krabs: The formula? Is that what this whole thing was about?
• Plankton: No! No, not really. I mean... not at first. I mean uh... Uh, honey bunch? [Mama Krabs shows her muscles, which show a ship's cannons] Uh-oh. [she punches him back to the Chum Bucket] Oh, well. Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all! [ends up flying into the ON switch of Karen]
• Karen: Working.
• Plankton: So, you decided to come crawling back to me, huh?
• Karen: [beginning to zap Plankton] What did you say?
• Plankton: Nothing, dear.
• Karen: [zaps Plankton, who screams] Yeah. That's what I thought you said, honey bunch.
• Plankton: Ow...! [the episode then fades to black]