Chum Fricassee/transcript

• (The episode opens at the Krusty Krab, at closing time)
• Squidward: Just clock out already!
• SpongeBob: Uh...I'm trying, Squidward, but clocking out is the most disappointing part of the day! (Squidward slaps himself in the face) At least then, I'll be home where I can relive my most happiest memories from my day at work. (Flashback, in SpongeBob's house, where he's cooking Krabby Patties, with a bag of flour dressed like Mr. Krabs standing right next to him) I'm all over it, boss man! Order up, Gareward! (Gary has a bag on him that has a picture of Squidward on it)
• Gary: Meow! (Saying yeah-yeah in snail form)
• SpongeBob: It's hard leaving work, even for one night! (Squidward takes SpongeBob's ID and clocks both IDs out)
• Squidward: I beg to differ! I mean look at this place! (Shows Krusty Krab, which is a filthy mess) It's disgusting, not to mention our cheap boss!
• (Shows Mr. Krabs trying to get a penny on the floor with a spatula) Mr. Krabs: Woo-hoo! Got it! Hey, who are you calling cheap?
• Squidward: The guy who won't even spring for a doormat! (Shows door, which has no doormat in front of it)
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, give me a break, Mr. Complainsalot! As if you would know anything about running a restaurant! Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!
• Squidward: Well, if I did run a restaurant, my exquisite taste and gourmet know-how would have customers waiting in line for years just to get a table!
• Mr. Krabs: Pfffffffffff.....Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! See you fellows tomorrow! Gourmet know-how! A-ha-ha!
• Squidward: Laugh it up! My knowledge and intelligence could make even the Chum Bucket a success! (Plankton spies on Squidward and SpongeBob and follows them)
• Plankton: Hey! Hey! Heeeeeeeyyyyy! I'm yelling over here! (Plankton jumps on Squidward)
• Squidward: Ouch, I think I picked up a tick! (Squidward takes Plankton off the side of his head) Plankton?! What do you want?
• Plankton: Well, I'd like to take you up on your offer to make the Chum Bucket a success!
• Squidward: Oh, I don't know about that.
• Mr. Krabs: I don't value you at all!
• Squidward: I'll do it. (SpongeBob taps Squidward to get his attention)
• SpongeBob: Don't you think that working at the Chum Bucket AND the Krusty Krab is a conflict of interest, Squidward?
• Squidward: Oh, geez, SpongeBob, I hadn't thought about that! You're right! I quit. (Episode cuts to Squidward entering the Chum Bucket) Eh, a bit industrial, but I can make it work. (Episode cuts to the Chum Bucket kitchen) You call this a kitchen? We should start by tearing out this wall so the chef is visible to his adoring fans!
• Karen: Great! Two megalomanics.
• Squidward: I don't see any use for all these old pack traps. We should just break them down for parts. (Squidward tears out the traps)
• Plankton: But, but that's my chum-fueled antennae massager!
• Squidward: Oh, I'm sorry! Remind me, who's in complete creative control here?
• Plankton: Anyone can come in and redecorate, pal, but you still haven't proven how you're gonna make chum edible!
• Squidward: So I guess the proof is in the pudding, then, isn't it?
• Plankton: You're making chum pudding?
• Squidward: I'm making chum fricassee! (Pulls a lever to bring down a big blob of chum to make fricasee)
• Plankton: Frica-what?
• Squidward: See, Plankton, there's a trick to making chum edible. (Squidward smells the bad stench of chum) We just have to follow old Grandma's secret fricasee recipe.
• Plankton: Secret recipe, you say, huh? (Plankton pulls out a pencil and pad) What's in it?
• Squidward: Nice try, tiny cyclops! You won't get Grandma's delicate mix of seasonings and spices that easily, but operation cannot be rushed! Each batch must simmer for exactly 24 hours!
• French Narrator: Twenty-Four hours later....
• (24 hours later, Plankton is sleeping when Squidward puts a scoop of chum fricassee on his plate)
• Plankton: Who took my blue blanky? Huh? This is the secret stuff? Doesn't look very promising.
• Squidward: Oh, just taste it already!
• Plankton: (Plankton smells the fricassee) Well, the smell doesn't make me rich! (Plankton takes a bite out of the fricassee) Hey, that ain't bad at all! (Takes another bite out of the fricassee) It's actually amazing! (Plankton throws away the spoon and gobbles down the fricasee) This is gold in the form of chum! Squidward, my friend, you'll be the toast of Bikini Bottom! This recipe is going to make you a star.
• Squidward: A star?
• Plankton: A star...
• TV Announcer: Hello, hungry eaters! It's time for... Flavors of the Bottom, a collectible look at dining out in Bikini Bottom, with your host, Perch Perkins!
• Perch Perkins: Hey, all you bottom-feeders. If you've already eaten, well, you better make room for seconds, because we are tasting Bikini Bottom's sensational, new, upscale eatery, Le Chum Bucket. Look at all those classy diners! What's on the menu? It's called chum fricasee. Earlier, I spoke to head chef Squidward Tentacles. He shared with us why it's such a frica-success.
• Squidward (on the news): Actually, I can't share the recipe with you. It's a secret
• (Episode cuts to the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs is watching the news on TV)
• Mr. Krabs: What?!
• Plankton: Ha-ha-ha! That's right, Krabs! Now, we have a secret formula, and it's in a bottle, and you can't have it! Ha-ha!
• Squidward: Give that back, please. (Squidward snatches the recipe from Plankton) Thank you.
• Plankton: Secret!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Perch Perkins: Well, it's clearly no secret....
• Fred: Say, "Fricassee." (takes picture of himself along with his bride and Squidward)
• Perch Perkins: ..... that Le Chum Bucket is a hit.
• Customers: Chef Squidward, Chef Squidward! Will you sign this please? (holds up their dishes with Squidward's Chum Fricasse on them)
• Squidward: Anything for my fans.
• Mr. Krabs: This is mutiny! And the public is actually eating it! Well, at least our loyal clientee haven't jumped on the chum wagon.
• SpongeBob: Don't speak too soon, Mr. Krabs. (The Krusty Krab looks empty)
• Mr. Krabs: So, we're having a slow day. At least Old Jethra has stuck with us. That Krabby Patty hitting the spot, Jethra?
• Old Jethra: Actually, they was all filled up at the Chum Bucket, so I had to get my chum to go. (he reveals that he is actually eating Squidward's Chum Fricassee rather than a Krabby Patty) I got it signed by Squidward himself, though.
• Mr. Krabs: (shocked by what he heard, his eyes, claws, and feet exploded. He then regrows his eyes but in an angry mood) Time to get to the bottom of this. (cuts to Le Chm Bucket with a huge line. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob enters the restaurant disguised as rich gentlemen) Oohh, just act like another fancy customer.
• SpongeBob: Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs! (Mr. Krabs covers SpongeBob mouth)
• Mr. Krabs: Shh! (stammering) What's gotten into you? High-faluting customers don't bark at the top of their lungs like a seadog.
• SpongeBob: Oops, uh... I mean, I fancy a bit of the olf chum. Indeed I do, Squire.
• Mr. Krabs: Good evening, Madam. Table for two, please?
• Karen: Your name?
• Mr. Krabs: I be Eugene....er....I mean, uh, (looks at the used ketchup wrapper on the floor) Sir Krumple O'Wrapper. Uh, that's my name. Don't wear it out.
• Karen: Alright, let's pull up your reservation. (looks through the reservation sheet) Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. I'm not showing any "O'Wrapper".
• Mr. Krabs: Reservation? In this sinkhole?!
• Karen: There's a two-year wait for a table.
• Squidward: What's seems to be the problem? Well, well, well, (blows Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob's disguises off their faces with a fan) if it isn't Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob. Now just follow me. I believe I have a table reserved just for you. (the 'table' that Squidward 'reserved' for Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob turns out to be a toilet. Squidward puts a tablecloth on the toilet) Bon Appetit, Suckers! (laughs at them as he walks away. Soon, everyone joins in the humiliation by laughing at Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob as they leave the restaurant in sadness) See you in two years! (laughs and scoffs at them)
• Plankton: Yeah, see how you like it, Krabs! (laughs along with Squidward as Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob leave)
• French Narrator: One week later.... (cuts to a long line at Le Chum Bucket. Squidward continues to sign his fan's autograph book)
• Nancy-Suzy Fish: I was here first!
• Tyler: No, I was!
• Squidward: One at a time, please.
• Nancy-Suzy Fish: Oh, Mr. Tentacles, it's so nice to finally meet you!
• Squidward: Yes, isn't it? (signs her autograph book with Squidward's picture on it) Next? Whoa! (notices the line is becoming long and slow) Plankton!
• Plankton: (frying the chum fricassee in nuggets) Yeah, what's up?
• Squidward: Are you not seeing the line of people out there?! What's the hold-up with the new batch of Fricassee?!
• Plankton: What's the hold-up? You said it took exactly 24 hours. (points to the machine with the cooking time at a few minutes before 24 hours)
• Squidward: I don't care if it isn't finished! Just take the orders!
• Plankton: But I haven't even sauteed it yet. Whatever you say. (cuts to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob sitting alone on the curb)
• Mr. Krabs: (sniffs) What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? (cries as SpongeBob comforts him)
• SpongeBob: Oh, sir, I'm sure that the new Chum Fricassee can't taste better than a Krabby Patty. (cuts to a customer walking out of Le Chum Bucket with leftover in his bag)
• Plankton: Thank you, sir. Come again. Enjoy your leftovers.
• Tyler: Oh, I will. (sees Mr. Krabs crying in agony and grief. Tlyer gives Mr. Krabs his leftovers) Please, sir. Take my chum. It's the least I can do to help. Poor guys.
• Mr Krabs: (digs into the bag and pulls out the leftover Chum Fricassee) You go first, boy.
• SpongeBob: (takes a bite of the Chum Fricassee) Hey, this is great!
• Mr. Krabs: Better than a Krabby Patty?
• SpongeBob: A what?
• Mr. Krabs: (also takes a bite of the Chum Fricassee and gasps) This is delicious! No!!!!!! I'm ruined (cries in agony as SpongeBob comforts him)
• Squidward: (Meanwhile, the line keeps getting longer and longer and Squidward continues to serve his Chum Fricassee to his customers and fans) Here you go, folks. Enjoy my world famous Fricassee. (All of a sudden, someone bursts through the front door which turns out to be Squidward's grandmother and she's not very happy) Grandma!
• Grandma Tentacles: (enters the restaurant and corners her grandson by the kitchen doors) Someone's been cooking my recipe (sniffs) and they're doing it wrong!
• Squidward: What are you doing here?
• Grandma Tentacles: Saving my recipe from my bumbling grandson! (crushes Squidward's foot with her walker)
• Squidward: Ow! I didn't do it! Uh, uh, it was him! (points to Plankton)
• Plankton: What?! Oh, you're not pinning this on me! You said you didn't care if it was ready or not!
• Squidward: Ok, I admit it! I admit it! But--but what's the big deal? (Grandma Tentacles crushes his foot with her walker) Ow!
• Grandma Tentacles: The big deal is when the chum is not cooked for exactly 24 hours, it causes severe tummy trouble!
• Gentleman: You fed us undercooked chum?!
• Grandma Tentacles: Tear him apart, people! (walks away as Squidward's customers and fans begin an uproar)
• Fred: I've had it and I'm not gonna take it anymore! (throws a trash can on the table. The other customers smashes, breaks, rips and tears everything inside Le Chum Bucket apart. One of them messes up the napkin holder)
• Plankton: Not the napkins!!!
• Angry Mob: (the customers chopped Squidward's picture in half with an axe and burns the picture) He got what he deserve, that's what I say! (soon Le Chum Bucket bursted into flames and everyone runs out) It's on fire! It's all burning! Run! (the fire incinerates the restaurant, leaving only Plankton and Squidward standing with charred faces)
• Plankton: My restaurant! (cries)
• Squidward: My fan base! (cries)
• Grandma Tentacles: I hope you learned your lesson, Genius! (crushes Squidward's foot with her walker)
• Squidward: Ow! (cries along with Plankton)
• SpongeBob: (cuts to the Krusty Krab) Gee, Mr. Krabs, it sure was nice of you to hire Squidward back. Especially since he tried to destroy your business and all.
• Mr. Krabs: I figure it's the least I can do for him after causing all that mayhem over at the Chum Bucket. In fact, I promoted him. He's our new doormat!
• Squidward: No! (laying on the floor like a doormat as punishment for running the Krusty Krab out of business and not following his grandmother's recipe by undercooking the Chum Fricassee) Living the dream! (moans and groans as customers scrape the dirt off their feet on Squidward)