Bumper to Bumper/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/182b

• Drunk Driver: Here I am! I'm coming at ya like your worst nightmare!! [laughs'. 'SpongeBob crashes through the wall of the house]
• Teenage Fish #1 and #2: Wow!

• SpongeBob: [teenage fish laugh] Uh, but, Mrs, Puff, I...
• Mrs. Puff: No buts, SpongeBob! You fail this test over and over. I'm beginning to think you are simply unteachable. [teenage fish laugh again] Now, get out of my sight.
• [SpongeBob shakes and begins stammering. Despite his struggling efforts to keep them back, tears spring to his eyes and begin streaming down his cheeks.]
• SpongeBob: Ah! Eee! IIIIIII... [starts to wail] I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Pu-u-uff!
• [SpongeBob runs off crying. Mrs. Puff is growling]

• [Scene cuts to SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is extremely tired. He groans. Gary brings his bowl over to him. Gary meows]
• SpongeBob: Not now, Gary. Can't you see I'm wallowing in my own filth? Ohhhhhhhh... [door knocks] Come back later—I'm wallowing. [door knocks five times] Ehhh... [opens door. His eyes widen]
• Mrs. Puff: Good morning, SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: [gasps and runs]
• Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob? SpongeBob? [SpongeBob coughs. He is in the screen of the TV] SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Mrs. Puff. I am trying to stay out of your sight.
• Mrs. Puff: Oh, that! Let's forget what I said. It's time to take a fresh approach.
• SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I...You said...Don't you remember? I'm an... [Mrs. Puff turns the TV on "Mute"] [Note: It's believed that he said "I'm unteachable." Read his lips carefully and you'll find out.]
• Mrs. Puff: We don't have time for this, SpongeBob. We have a long day of driving ahead of us!
• [Bubble transition over to the desert. Mrs. Puff is driving. SpongeBob sees two clams cawing]
• SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, why have you taken me to this weathery moat and slightly scary landscape?
• Mrs. Puff: To overcome your fears, silly.
• [They pass a skeleton pointing left and it falls apart]
• SpongeBob: It's not working!
• Mrs. Puff: Here we are!
• SpongeBob: Uh, where are we?
• Mrs. Puff: This old abandoned road is the perfect venue for your driving test.
• SpongeBob: DR-IVING TEST?!
• Mrs. Puff: That's right! You're free from all the distracting obstacles on the boating course. [she stops the boat] Out here, there's nothing but the road. [gets out of the boat] Now, scooch over. [SpongeBob doesn't] Come on. Scooch over. [lifts up the seat and wiggles it until SpongeBob is behind the wheel]
• SpongeBob: [buckling his seatbelt] But Mrs. Puff, what about the fact that I'm unteachable?
• Mrs. Puff: Forget all about that. Out here, you can teach a hermit crab to boat.
• SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I'm still intimidated!
• Mrs. Puff: Listen. If you're nervous about boating, simply repeat the words: "Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road." Got it?
• SpongeBob: O-o-okay. [takes the wheel] Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road. Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road. [gulp] Uh, focus on the road, there is nothing but the road. [presses gas pedal, covers eyes] Focus on the road. [uncovers eyes] There is nothing but the road. Hey, look at me. I'm not crashing and stuff.
• Mrs. Puff: Wonderful! Keep that up and I'll have no choice but to pass you! Just repeat your mantra.
• SpongeBob: Focus on the road, the open intimidating road.
• [as he says this, they ride on a curved road]
• Mrs. Puff: Boating within the lines. [checks said rule off her list] Well done.
• SpongeBob: Focus on the road. [activates turn signal, boat turns left] There is nothing but the road.
• Mrs. Puff: Finally using your turn signal, woohoo! [checks off "uses turn signals] Check.
• SpongeBob: Focus on the road. [drives the boat on a circular road] There is nothing but the road.
• Mrs. Puff: Roundabout navigation, check!
• SpongeBob: Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road! [presses gas pedal slightly harder, speeding the boat up]
• Mrs. Puff: Safe and steady acceleration, check! [checks off said rule]
• SpongeBob: Focus on the road... [drives the boat up a mountain] There is nothing but the road. [drives the boat through snow on top of the mountain and drives down it back to the road]
• [Mrs. Puff checks off "Vertical driving". SpongeBob continues repeating the mantra several times. He drives the boat over loopy roads and even under the road as well. He also makes the boat jump a gap, and even ducks under a garbage truck. A psychedelic moment of his driving begins: First, he drives on what looks like a mobius strip. Then he drives over a road with another SpongeBob under it. Then, he drives up a curvy road with a SpongeBob like face, which swallows the boat. The camera pans upward to a Saturn-like planet, and SpongeBob jumps out of the planet and drives along its ringlike road. The rings break and SpongeBob flies into the screen, acting like he's in a trance. The same goes with the boat driving into the screen, SpongeBob's head is at the bow. The boat drives around the inside of another SpongeBob, while at a real-life road. Finally, a skull rises, SpongeBob's mouth is in its eye sockets. Its road-tongue rolls out, and SpongeBob skates out, wearing boats as rollerskates. He jumps off, spins, and falls. Cut back to Mrs. Puff in reality]
• Mrs. Puff: Check...check...and...check! [pants] What is this?! [pants]
• [camera zooms to the only rule not checked off on Mrs. Puff's list: "Safely dock vessel"]
• Mrs. Puff: Only one more test, and it's the easiest one yet. SpongeBob, all you have to do is safely dock this vessel.
• [camera widens to show SpongeBob, still repeating the mantra. He is sweating and drooling, and his eyes are hypno-like]
• SpongeBob: Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road. Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road. [crashes through a "road closed" sign] Focus... [snaps out] on the...road? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ROAD?!?
• Mrs. Puff: Calm down, SpongeBob. Listen: all you have to do is safely stop this vessel!
• SpongeBob: Uh...focus on the road, there is nothing but the road!
• Mrs. Puff: Just stop the boat!
• SpongeBob: Uh, focus on the - uh-uh-uh... [gasp] THE ROAD!
• Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, wait!
• [SpongeBob sends the boat airborne; the boat lands on a plain of rocks]
• Mrs. Puff: SpongeBoooob!
• [the boat hits a large rock; the boat lands on a road]
• SpongeBob: That was a close one Mrs. Puff. But I am back on the road and ready to focus upon it. 
• Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob? This isn't just any road. [a truck honks 2 times] It's a 10-lane Intertial Seaway!! [the truck honks again for 2 seconds]
• SpongeBob: Shu-ven-tah-dil-in-chi-huh?! 
• Mrs. Puff: Stay calm, SpongeBob. [SpongeBob splats to the floor] SpongeBob? SPONGEBOB?! SPONGEBOB!!! Remember your mantra? 
• SpongeBob: Right. "Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road" [SpongeBob gasps and the truck honks again] I can't even see the road! [SpongeBob shivers]. 
• Mrs. Puff: SPONGEBOB!!! Give me the wheel SpongeBob. Oh, dear! He's completely frozen up! [Mrs. Puff rips off SpongeBob's hands and drives for him] Fiddlesticks! 
• [the truck honks longer and the boat passes by a police station] 
• Police Officer: Reckless drivers. I loathe reckless drivers. [the officer presses a button on the side of his helmet, making sunglasses (goggles) appear over his eyes, as well as a mustache between his nose and mouth, and then drives his motorcycle]
• Police Officer: Pull over, you menace! [SpongeBob screams, Mrs. Puff is still driving with SpongeBob's arms]
• SpongeBob: Uh, Mrs. Puff, can I have my arms back?
• Police Officer: I said, stop your vessel! 
• SpongeBob: Sorry Mr. Officer sir, I'm applying the brakes! [SpongeBob drives away]
• Police Officer: Uh, we got us a runner. 
• Mrs. Puff: Pull over SpongeBob. And make it quick. LOOK! [SpongeBob screams] NO!!