Chocolate with Nuts/transcript

(Spongebob is humming inside of his mailbox, he checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox.)

Spongebob: Hi Mailman!

(The mailman yells in fear and runs off)

Spongebob: O.K, see you tomorrow!

(Spongebob gets out of the mailbox. Patrick walks up.)

Patrick: Hey, the mails here! What did you get?

Spongebob: Let's see... (Looks through the mail) Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Hey! A magazine!

(Spongebob looks at the magazine)

Spongebob: That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest.

Spongebob and Patrick: (They look inside the magazine) WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!

Spongebob: Look at all these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living!

(A picture of a rich person's swimming pool is shown)

Spongebob: This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!

(A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with bags of money)

Patrick: (Points at the man's feet) This guy's got shoes!

Squidward: Give me that! (Takes the magazine) Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!

Spongebob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?

Squidward: They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.

Spongebob: What kind of things?

Squidward: How should I know? Things people wanna buy! (walks off) Now keep your paws off my mail.

Spongebob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes entrepreneurs!

Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?

Spongebob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?

Patrick: Uh... (sweats) More time for thinking.

Spongebob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.

Patrick: A chocolate bar?

Spongebob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling chocolate bar salesmen!

(The scene changes to Spongebob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many chocolate bars)

Spongebob: Fancy living, here we come!

Patrick: Make way for a couple of entrepreneurs!

(Spongebob and Patrick walk up to a house)

Spongebob: O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to living fancy! Just follow my lead.

(Spongebob runs up and knocks on the door, a fish opens the door)

Spongebob: Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some (holds up chocolate bar) chocolate?

Fish: Chocolate? Did you say... CHOCOLATE?

Patrick: Yes sir. With or without nuts?

Fish: Chocolate? CHOCOLATE?! CHOCOLAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE!

(Spongebob and Patrick slowly back away then run off. The fish chases them while screaming CHOCOLAAATE!!)

(The scene cuts to Spongebob ringing the doorbell of another house)

Spongebob: O.K, the first guy didn't count. This is our REAL first step!

(A Salesman opens the door.)

Spongebob: Good Morning, sir! Would you like to buy some chocolate?

Salesman: Chocolate bars, eh?

Spongebob: Yes sir, we ARE chocolate bar salesmen!

Salesman: Ha! A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise!

(Patrick is shown holding many chocolate bars in his pants)

Salesman: No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be good salesmen, right?

Spongebob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!

Salesman: Well, (chuckles) no self respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! (He holds up a bright-orange bag)

Spongebob: Woooooooow... what is it?

Salesman: It's a candy bar bag, you knuckle-head! It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort!

(Spongebob tries to touch it)

Salesman: (pulls bag away) BUT, I'm wasting my time. (Walks inside) You don't need these bags.

Spongebob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!

(The Salesman grins, the scene changes to the Salesman counting money. Spongebob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags)

Salesman: So long, boys! Happy hunting! (Laughs when the two aren't looking) Suckers... (walks back inside)

Spongebob and Patrick (singing as they run off): Fancy livin', here we come! La la la la, la!

Spongebob: Let's try next door!

(Spongebob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same Salesman comes out)

Salesman: Yes?

Spongebob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?

Salesman: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented Candy Bar Bag Carrying Bags. (Holds up two large maroon bags)

Patrick: We'll take twenty.

(Scene changes to Spongebob knocking on the door of a different house, a lady comes out)

Lady: Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men?

Spongebob: We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?

Lady: That sounds heavenly! I'll take one.

Spongebob: One chocolate bar, coming up!

(Spongebob attempts to pull out a chocolate bar, but keeps pulling more bags, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants)

Lady: I don't have time for this.

(The lady goes back inside, and then Spongebob pulls out a chocolate bar)

Spongebob: I... got it! One chocolate bar for the nice-

Fish: CHOCOLAAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE!

Spongebob: -lady.

(The fish chases Spongebob and Patrick again while screaming CHOCOLAAAATE!)

(The scene changes to Spongebob and Patrick sitting in a diner)

Spongebob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.

Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!

Spongebob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those bags?

Patrick: He said we were mediocre...

Spongebob: That's it! He made us feel special!

Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more bags!

(Patrick runs to the door)

Spongebob: NO, wait Patrick!

(Patrick freezes in place)

Spongebob: Why don't we try being nice?

Patrick: Oh, O.K.

(Scene changes to Spongebob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door)

Spongebob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.

(Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door)

Customer: Hello?

Patrick: I love you.

(The customer slams the door shut)

Spongebob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try.

(Spongebob rings the doorbell, the customer opens the door)

Customer: Please, G-Go away.

Spongebob: Um, *clears throat* H-H-How you doin'?

Customer: How am I doing?

Spongebob: Wanna buy some chocolate?

Patrick: We got him now!

Customer: Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, blubber boy/

(Patrick's belly is bubbling)

Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!

Customer: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang.

(The customer holds up a picture of an obese self at age 13)

((((MORE TO COME))))