Chocolate with Nuts/transcript

• [SpongeBob is humming inside of his mailbox. He checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox.]
• SpongeBob: Hi Mailman!
• [The mailman yells in fear and runs off]
• SpongeBob: O.K, see you tomorrow!
• [SpongeBob gets out of the mailbox. Patrick walks up.]
• Patrick: Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?
• SpongeBob: Let's see... [Looks through the mail] Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Hey! A magazine!
• [SpongeBob looks at the magazine]
• SpongeBob: That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [They look inside the magazine] WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!
• SpongeBob: Look at all these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living!
• [A picture of a rich person's swimming pool is shown]
• SpongeBob: This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!
• [A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with bags of money]
• Patrick: [Points at the man's feet] This guy's got shoes!
• Squidward: Give me that! [Takes the magazine] Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!
• SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?
• Squidward: They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.
• SpongeBob: What kind of things?
• Squidward: How should I know? Things people wanna buy! [walks off] Now keep your paws off my mail.
• SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes entrepreneurs!
• Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?
• SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?
• Patrick: Uh... [sweats] More time for thinking.
• SpongeBob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.
• Patrick: A chocolate bar?
• SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling chocolate bar salesmen!
• [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many chocolate bars]
• SpongeBob: Fancy living, here we come!
• Patrick: Make way for a couple of entrepreneurs! [He pronounces it "ontre-prenyouers"]
• [SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house]
• SpongeBob: O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to living fancy! Just follow my lead.
• [SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door, a fish opens the door]
• SpongeBob: Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some [holds up chocolate bar] chocolate?
• Tom: Chocolate? Did you say, Chocolate?!
• Patrick: Yes sir. With or without nuts?
• Tom: Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!?!?! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming "CHOCOLAAATE!!!"]
• [The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house]
• SpongeBob: O.K, the first guy didn't count. This is our REAL first step!
• [A Con man opens the door.]
• SpongeBob: Good Morning, sir! Would you like to buy some chocolate?
• Con man: Chocolate bars, eh?
• SpongeBob: Yes sir, we ARE chocolate bar salesmen!
• Con man: Ha! A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise!
• [Patrick is shown holding many chocolate bars in his pants]
• Con man: No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be good salesmen, right?
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!
• Con man: Well, [chuckles] no self respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! [He holds up a bright-orange bag]
• SpongeBob: Woooooooow... what is it?
• Con man: It's a candy bar bag, you knuckle-head! It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort!
• [SpongeBob tries to touch it]
• Con man: [pulls bag away] BUT, I'm wasting my time. [Walks inside] You don't need these bags.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!
• [The Con man grins, the scene changes to the Con man counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags]
• Con man: So long, boys! Happy hunting! [Laughs when the two aren't looking] Suckers... [walks back inside]
• SpongeBob and Patrick [singing as they run off]: Fancy livin', here we come! La la la la, la!
• SpongeBob: Let's try next door!
• [SpongeBob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same Con man comes out]
• Con man: Yes?
• SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?
• Con man: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented Candy Bar Bag Carrying Bags. [Holds up two large maroon bags]
• Patrick: We'll take twenty.
• [Scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house, Sadie comes out]
• Sadie: Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men?
• SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?
• Sadie [captions on TV call it Woman and Credits on TV call it Lady Fish.] : That sounds heavenly! I'll take one.
• SpongeBob: One chocolate bar, coming up!
• [SpongeBob attempts to pull out a chocolate bar, but keeps pulling more bags, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants]
• Sadie: I don't have time for this.
• [Sadie goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out a chocolate bar]
• SpongeBob: I... got it! One chocolate bar for the nice-
• Tom: CHOCOLAAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE!
• SpongeBob: -lady.
• [Tom chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming CHOCOLAAAATE!]
• [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner]
• SpongeBob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.
• Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!
• SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those bags?
• Patrick: He said we were mediocre...
• SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel special!
• Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more bags!
• [Patrick runs to the door]
• SpongeBob: NO, wait Patrick!
• [Patrick freezes in place]
• SpongeBob: Why don't we try being nice?
• Patrick: Oh, okay.
• [Scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door]
• SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
• [Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door]
• Blue Fish with purple stripes: Hello?
• Patrick: I love you.
• [A harp is heard playing, the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut, a tuba is heard playing after the slamming.]
• SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try.
• [SpongeBob rings the doorbell, the customer opens the door]
• Blue Fish with purple stripes: Please, G-Go away.
• SpongeBob: Um, *clears throat* H-H-How you doin'?
• Blue Fish with purple stripes: How am I doing?
• SpongeBob: Wanna buy some chocolate?
• Patrick: We got him now!
• Blue Fish with purple stripes: Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, lover boy?
• [Patrick's belly is bubbling]
• Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!
• Blue Fish with purple stripes: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang.
• [The customer holds up a picture of an obese self at age 13]
• Blue Fish with purple stripes: You can keep that for 5 bucks.
• Patrick: I'll take 10!
• [Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking, a sad song plays]
• SpongeBob: We haven't sold one chocolate bar. I got a feeling that were too easily distracted.
• [Cut to Patrick staring at the pictures]
• Patrick: Huh?
• [Far cut]
• SpongeBob: [raising his fist] Let's make a pack right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.
• Patrick: [Removing pictures from his face] Huh?
• SpongeBob: [Holding out his hand] Let's shake on it.
• Patrick: [Looking at SpongeBob confused] Did you say something?
• [Cut to the other customer's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are seen entering the view]
• SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, focus.
• [Cut to the door, SpongeBob knocks on it, customer answers]
• Purple Fish: Yes?
• SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, wanna buy some chocolate?
• [Patrick somehow moves up to the customer with his eyes going in and out back and forth]
• Purple Fish: Why is Tubby here staring at me?
• [Cut to Patrick's eyes]
• Patrick: Focusing.
• [Cut to the inside of the customer's house]
• Purple Fish: Back off, Jack!
• [The customer slams the door on Patrick's eyes, Patrick is heard saying "Oof!" from the other side of the door]
• Patrick: [Moving eyes around] Nice place you got in here.
• [Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene]
• SpongeBob: I can't understand what were doing wrong.
• Patrick: I can't understand anything
• SpongeBob: There's something to this selling game were just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!
• [Cut to the sign]
• Patrick: [reading the sign] Eat Barnacle Chips, they're delicious.
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
• SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious!
• Patrick: [smiling] Not the way I use them!
• [Cut to SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day!
• [Cut to Patrick]
• Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
• SpongeBob: [Happily] That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!
• Tom [subtitles on TV call it Man.] : CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick run off, cut to Mary's house]
• SpongeBob: We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up and you come in for the kill!
• Patrick: The kill!
• [SpongeBob uses the doorbell, Mary answers]
• Mary: Yes?
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
• SpongeBob: Hello, young lady.
• [SpongeBob winks at Patrick, Patrick then chuckles]
• SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate. [Getting a closer look at Mary] Is your mother home?
• [Cut to Mary]
• Mary: Mom!
• Mother: [Entering from the right side of the house] What, what, what's all the yelling?
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who have stunned looks on their faces]
• [Cut back to Mary's mother]
• Mother: You just can't wait for me to die, can you?
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
• Mary: They're selling chocolate.
• Mother: Chocolate?
• Mary: Yeah!
• [Cut to Mary and Mom]
• Mother: What, what are they selling?
• Mary: Chocolates!
• Mother: What?
• Mary: CHOCOLATES!
• Mother: I can't hear you!
• Mary: THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!
• Mother: They're selling chocolate?
• Mary: YEAH!!
• [Cut to a close-up of Mary's mother smiling]
• Mother: Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate.
• [Cut back to view Mary and her mom]
• Mother: I always hated it!
• [Cut to SpongeBob sweating]
• SpongeBob: Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...
• [Patrick comes from the top left]
• Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever.
• [Cut to Mary and her mom, Mary is heard saying no constantly]
• Mother: Live forever you say? I'll take one. [Mary slaps her face]
• [Cut to the outside, Mary pays SpongeBob a dollar]
• Mother [From inside house]: Come on, you lazy Mary! [Cut to Mary] Start rubbing me with that chocolate!
• Mary [looking at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily]: I hate you. [Slams door]
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
• SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!
• Patrick: [Raising fist] Hooray for lying!
• [Bubbles come up and cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh]
• SpongeBob: It'll make your hair grow.
• [Cut to Fred]
• Fred: Great! My wife's trying to grow a beard!
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick has a sad face this time]
• SpongeBob: It'll make you sound smart.
• [Cut to the customer holding money]
• Customer [southern accent]: I'll take 20!
• [Cut to Patrick]
• Patrick: It'll keep your face from getting any uglier.
• [Cut to the two Patricks]
• Patrick 2: Just in time.
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over]
• SpongeBob: They'll make you fly!
• Patrick: You'll fall in love!
• SpongeBob: They'll bring world peace!
• Patrick: You'll walk through walls!
• SpongeBob: [ecoing] You'll rule the world!!
• [Cut to a door, SpongeBob and Patrick are wrapped in casts]
• [Cut close to Patrick]
• Patrick: This'll be the best lie yet!
• [Cut to SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of our chocolate!
• [Customer opens door]
• Customer: What can I do for you boys?
• [Cut to SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.
• Customer: Really?
• [Cut to the customer, who apparently is in a cast covering his entire body]
• Customer: Small world. What's the matter with you guys?
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned]
• SpongeBob: [nervously]Um, we've got some head trauma and eternal bleeding.
• [Cut to the customer]
• Customer: Well, some guys have all the luck.
• [A violin begins]
• Customer: I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms.
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, they both have faces meaning that they were about to cry]
• Customer: At night, [A tear runs down SpongeBob's cheek] I lay awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
• [Cut to the customer, the wires snap]
• Customer: [About to fall] Oh, no...
• [A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer grunts while hitting the steps]
• Customer: [On the last step] Ow...
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
• SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, let's help him!
• [Cut to the inside of SpongeBob's house]
• [SpongeBob and Patrick enter from the left]
• SpongeBob: Careful, put him down gently.
• [Patrick drops the customer's head, a glass breaking sound is heard, cut close to the customer]
• Customer: [In pain] Ow...!
• [Cut to SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Poor, poor man. Is there anything, anything we can do to help you?
• [Cut to the customer]
• Customer: Well, there is one thing...as you can imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling...chocolate bars.[jestures his head over to a massive stack of chocolate bar boxes]
• [Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene]
• [Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]
• Customer: Such nice boys, [far cut to the customer] it does my heart good to con a couple of Class A suckeroonies like those two! HA HA HA!!!
• [Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his coustume off to reveal himself as the Con Artist from earlier]
• [Cut to the street]
• SpongeBob [grunting]: Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to.
• [SpongeBob makes another grunting noise, he trips up on a rock and falls, cut to SpongeBob with a box flat on his face]
• SpongeBob: Let's admit it, Patrick. We're failures.
• Patrick [Walking in from the left]: I can live with that. [Places box on SpongeBob's box and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound]
• SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Why and Bother?
• [Tom appears behind the box]
• Tom: CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!! [Screams and knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over]
• [Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick]
• [SpongeBob and Patrick babble]
• SpongeBob: No! Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt me. No no. Pleaseeee.
• Patrick: No! Don't hurt us, Tom. Please Spare Me!
• [Cuts to Tom laughing manically]
• Tom: Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you...I'd like to buy all your chocolate. [Holds up a large amount of cash]
• [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss]
• [Cut back to the three, SpongeBob and Patrick melt]
• SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.
• [Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow]
• Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?
• [Cut to the money in the barrel, SpongeBob pops out]
• SpongeBob: Not yet, pally! First, we got to spend all the money.
• [Cut to the two]
• Patrick: But what are we going to spend it on?
• [Cut to SpongeBob thinking]
• [Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "Fancy!" on top is seen]
• [Cut to the inside of the boat]
• Squidward [Walking in from the left]: Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.
• [Cut to the server]
• Server: Sorry, but the whole restraunt has been rented to a private party.
• [Cut to Squidward shocked]
• Squidward: But it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restraunt?
• [Cut to the Server and Squidward]
• Server: Oh, a couple of rich entrepuners and their [leaning over to Squidward] dates.
• [Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and Mary's mother, Mary is seen holding a glass]
• SpongeBob: So, how long have you two ladies known each other?
• [Pause]
• Mother: What? What did he say?
• [Fade to black]