A Root Galoot/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "A Root Galoot/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [The episode opens with a shot of the Star house. Patrick is wearing a gardener's outfit and talking to the camera.]
• Patrick: Today, on [holds up cardboard sign] "Pardon My Garden"... [flower burps] We shall explore the joys of gardening [camera zooms out to show him in the house] at home! I find the hardest part is getting through [punctuates words with digging] all this carpet, [digs deeper] these stubborn floorboards, [falls into a hole] and don't get me started [pipe clangs, water spurts] on all this pesky plumbing! [Patrick jumps out with dirt and a skeleton on his back] Tee-hee.
• Squidina: [operating camera, points outside] Patrick, don't you think we should film outside?
• Patrick: [turns and drops skeleton back in hole] Why?
• Squidina: The light in here is bad.
• [Cut to a fractured lightbulb. It spins around to reveal a mean-looking face.]
• Lightbulb: You try livin' on 40 watts a day!
• [A shovel spins into the screen, transitioning to Patrick gardening outside.]
• Patrick: [digging a hole] Wow, the floor is much softer out here! And once we've dug our hole, [takes seed packet out of pouch] we plant a little seed.
• [Patrick tries to put the seed in the hole, but a root grabs it before he can.]
• Patrick: Hey!
• [Munching and burping is heard inside the hole.]
• Patrick: Hmm.
• [Patrick takes out a mini fishing rod with a seed on the end. When he lowers it into the hole, the seed gets eaten. After fighting the rod for the seed and nearly getting pulled into the hole, a root monster bites his arm rapidly. He pulls it out of the hole]
• Patrick: [screams]
• Squidina: [screams]
• Patrick: [slams root on the ground and points his shovel at it] Get thee back, dirt demon!
• [The root grows a face.]
• Shmandrake: Fiddle leedle lee!
• Patrick: Huh? [picks him up]
• Shmandrake: I am not your enemy. A magical Shmandrake root is what I be!
• Patrick: Whoa, cool! Mom! Dad! GrandPat! [they burrow under the door; Shmandrake is dancing] I found a talking vegetable! Can I keep him?
• Bunny, Cecil, and GrandPat: Ooh!
• Shmandrake: Faddle lee la and fiddle lee low! I lived my poor life underground, don't 'cha know? Buuut! [makes a house shape with lines between his hands] If you let me stay in your home [makes shapes of various food] and feed me fine dish, [brings hands back together] I'll grant a single one of you a [forms words "wish"] wish! all: Ooh!
• Bunny, Cecil, and GrandPat: Ooh!
• GrandPat: Wait a minute! Which one of us gets the wish?
• Shmandrake: Why, whoever becomes my favorite!
• Star family: [excited muttering, then they look at each other with serious expressions]
• [Transition to Bunny feeding Shmandrake pie. Cecil vibrates a pillow that Shmandrake is laying against and GrandPat files Shmandrake's feet.]
• Bunny: [takes out pie] More pie?
• Cecil: [pulls his tie and keeps vibrating] Chair massage?
• GrandPat: [filing] File your tendrils? Ooh. [bites toenail off and spits it]
• [Shmandrake is about to eat some of Bunny's pie.
• Shmandrake: Aah...
• [Patrick pulls Bunny away.]
• Bunny: Ooh!
• Shmandrake: Huh?
• Patrick: [pushes a fly in Shmandrake's face] Say, Shmandrake, would you like this fat, juicy, delicious fly? [shot of the gross-looking fly, which expels fluid]
• Shmandrake: [grunts] Without gravy? [snaps fingers]
• Cecil: [appears with a flyswatter] Never forget the gravy, son. [smacks him with a flyswatter] Foinsapp!
• [The fly flies away.]
• Shmandrake: [yawns] You folks are [makes OK sign] okay! Fiddle to the la and fiddle lee lee! It's time for me to catch some Zs! Now, if you please, make like a tree, and, uh, get outta here.
• Cecil, Bunny, Patrick, and GrandPat: [saluting] Whatever you say, Shmandrake!
• [They walk out of the room giggling and with stars in their eyes.]
• Bunny: I'm gonna get me that wish-wish-wish!
• [Shmandrake snores. Squidina makes an "I'm watching you" gesture and backs away. Shmandrake blows a raspberry and keeps sleeping. Star transition to GrandPat climbing up the pole in his room and jumping onto his bed.]
• GrandPat: Wee-oo, wee-oo, way! Oh, my wish is to be left all alone...
• [A thought bubble shows GrandPat in outer space.]
• GrandPat: Whoa, ooh. [echoes] Hello? Anyone out there? [sees meteor] Oh!
• [The meteor crashes into Earth, and the explosion cloud forms as a skull and crossbones with Shmandrake's head.]
• Shmandrake: Fiddle lee he he! Alone you be! [laughs]
• GrandPat: [leans back and sighs] Thanks, Shmandrake.
• [The camera transitions to Cecil cooking a burning pot over the stove in the kitchen.]
• Cecil: My wish is to become a four star chef with six arms!
• [Cecil has a dream sequence of him and his arms performing various kitchen tasks, and him preparing a bunch of delicious-looking food. His arms clap, and Shmandrake cheers him on.]
• Shmandrake: Bravo! You're on fire, amigo!
• Cecil: [sighs] I'm on fire. Thanks, Shmandrake. Hmm...
• [The entire kitchen lights on fire. Transition to Bunny cleaning the bathtub.]
• Bunny: [hums, wrings sponge] My wish is to be a superhero!
• [Her thought bubble shows a fancy-looking estate. Bunny runs in with a superhero outfit, with a sponge on her chest. She sprays some shampoo onto the floor and slides on it. She cleans over a statue of Shmandrake in knight armor, changing it to him in a shower cap and towel. A bird poops on it.]
• Bunny: Thanks, Shmandrake! [her fantasy dissolves to show her sliding through the bathroom. She smashes headfirst into the wall and falls into the other room. Transition to Patrick sleeping. The camera turns upside down so his bed is right-side up.]
• Patrick: My wish would be, [thought bubble shows a poorly drawn Patrick] uh, uh...
• Thought Patrick: [impatient] Well, what's your wish?
• Patrick: Uh, [pokes him] I wish that you would tell me my wish!
• Thought Patrick: [pulls him in] You know what would be really smart? If you go ask for your wish [pokes Patrick] before someone else does! [shows a thought bubble of a baby Shmandrake] I know a cute little dude like him is gonna listen.
• [Transition to a very fat Shmandrake sitting on the couch and eating popcorn out of a bowl. He turns on the TV to see Patrick on one of the channels.]
• Patrick: Hey, Shmandrake!
• Shmandrake: Huh? [changes channel]
• Patrick: [in boxing arena] Can I-- [gets punched, channel changes to show him riding a seahorse] pretty pretty please-- [channel changes to show him as a chef looking at a steak] get my wish now?
• Shmandrake: Get off the TV!
• Patrick: [appears behind the couch, shouting] Is over here better!?
• [Shmandrake grabs Patrick's collar. The doorbell rings.]
• Shmandrake: [growls]
• Patrick and Shmandrake: Huh?
• GrandPat: [walks past] ♪ Pizza delivery! ♪ [opens door]
• Patrick: Oh, boy, I'm starving!
• GrandPat: [holding pizza] This ain't a Patrick pizza. [gives it to Shmandrake] It's a Shmandrake pie.
• [Shmandrake blows a raspberry at Patrick and messily eats the pizza.]
• GrandPat: Ha ha, how is it?
• Shmandrake: [munching, then stops] It's good.
• GrandPat: Yippee! [laughs and dances]
• Shmandrake: But not wish-granting good!
• [GrandPat's head pops and he deflates. Shmandrake continues eating the pizza.]
• Patrick: D'oh! I gotta do something good to get that wish. [thinks] Ooh... [bell dings, points finger up] I'm gonna need my thinking cap for this one. [Patrick removes his head to show a blue dunce cap, then puts his finger on his chin and thinks] Hmm...
• [Shmandrake finished the pizza, gets fatter, and breaks the couch. He burps loudly.]
• Bunny: [calling downstairs] Oh, Shmandrake! [pan up to her fulling a bath with mud] Your mud bath is ready. [gets grossed out by bucket of mud] Ew... Why would he want this? [dumps mud in the tub]
• Shmandrake: I love a mud bath! But I hate those stairs.
• [A pan up to the stairs shows them getting increasingly distorted and monstrous as they go on.]
• Cecil: [runs in] No problem, Shmandrake! [picks him up] I'll carry you up! [grunts and carries Shmandrake up the stairs] Someone's a big boy. [grunts, walks into the bathroom, and Shmandrake collapses on him] Um, how was that?
• Shmandrake: Nice, but, uh, a bit bumpy. [jumps into the tub and splashes dirt] Wah, ah!
• Bunny: Oh, um, [wipes dirt off wall with a sponge] please be careful with that mud, won't you, Shmandrake?
• [Shmandrake leans up to Bunny's face and grabs her cheeks.]
• Shmandrake: I like mud. [lets go of her]
• Bunny: Wha-- er... [smiles] Why, so do I, Shmandrake. So you just keep splishing and splashing and having a ball.
• Shmandrake: I will. [laughs and splashes mud around]
• [A sausage transitions to Shmandrake sitting on the broken couch. Cecil comes in with a sausage on a toothpick. Shmandrake eats it and grows.]
• Cecil: Can I get that wish now?
• Shmandrake: Hmm... [leans towards Cecil as he looks hopeful, then snaps his fingers] No.
• Cecil: [whimpers and runs away]
• [Bunny comes in with a cake and feeds it to Shmandrake, who grows.]
• Bunny: Can I get that wish now?
• Shmandrake: No!
• [GrandPat comes in holding a piece of sushi. Shmandrake eats it and grows again.]
• GrandPat: Can I get that wish now?
• Shmandrake: [shouting] No!
• [GrandPat runs out of the room. Various shots show the Star family, exhausted, feeding Shmandrake. Cecil throws cakes at him.
• Cecil: Can I...
• [Bunny throws sandwiches at him.]
• Bunny: [grunts] Get that...
• [GrandPat throws prunes at him.]
• GrandPat: [grunting] Wish now?
• [They all grunt and collapse on the floor.]
• Shmandrake: Uh, I'm not exactly done being pampered?
• Patrick: [appears on Shmandrake's shoulder] I could not agree more, Shmandrake! You deserve to be... d'uh, to have-- to, uh...
• [Cut to Patrick entering Squidina's room. She is on her bed, reading a book called Magical Garden Pests.]
• Patrick: Squidina, I need your help! How do I impress Shmandrake?
• Squidina: Look, Patrick, [shows him book] this books says Shmandrake is just a little jerk who never grants wishes. [closes book] It's just a trick, so people will wait on him hand and [points to her foot] foot.
• Patrick: You think if I wait on his [points to body parts] shoulders, spine, and back too, [squishes his face] he might grant my wish?
• [Squidina screams and jumps into her bed, hiding her face under the covers.]
• Patrick: Great idea, sis! Shmandrake would love that. [giggles]
• [Patrick takes the blanket and runs away with it, sending Squidina smacking into the bed's front boards. Shmandrake leaves the kitchen with food. Patrick runs up to him with the blanket and screams, startling Shmandrake. He jumps into a tanning bed.]
• Patrick: [grunts] How did you like that? [points] The scream and the sheet were my idea-- and totally not Squidina's.
• Shmandrake: [shouting] Why in the barnacles would I like that? [notices tanning bed] Ooh... what is this thing?
• Patrick: It's a bed. [turns on heat and gestures to it] With sunlight.
• Shmandrake: Hmm, I don't get any sunlight underground. Let me on it!
• Patrick: All yours, buddy. [grunts and throws Shmandrake inside, then closes it more] So... can I get that wish now?
• Shmandrake: [shouting] Scram!
• [Patrick whimpers and runs away from Shmandrake. He begins relaxing in the bed. Bunny, Cecil, and GrandPat sit on the broken couch, exhausted. Patrick joins them.]
• Patrick: Boy... spoiling Shmandrake makes me so... [collapses face-first on the floor]
• [Fade to the Star family asleep and snoring. Patrick smells something.]
• Patrick: [sniffs] Mmm. [laughs] What's that heavenly aroma?
• [The tanning bed is completely closed, with heat coming out of it. Patrick looks in and gasps. Bunny, GrandPat, and Cecil do as well. Shmandrake's body is cooked.]
• Bunny: [horrified] We barbecued him!
• Patrick: [picks up Shmandrake's body] There goes all our wishes! [cries]
• Cecil: [pats Patrick's shoulders] There, there, son. Hey, maybe we've learned a valuable lesson here.
• [Patrick and Cecil sniff Shmandrake's aroma.]
• Cecil: Say, that does smell delicious.
• [The family start sniffing Shmandrake's aroma.]
• Star family: Mmm...
• GrandPat: [takes out fork and knife] Let's eat it!
• [A fork transitions to Shmandrake's body on a plate. The Stars pick pieces from it with forks, leaving only the head. They all eat his body.]
• Cecil: Mmm, kind of nice having him feed us for a change, ha ha.
• Patrick: [takes Shmandrake's haed] It sure is! [Shmandrake's head suddenly regrows] Huh?
• Shmandrake: [screams, grabs Patrick's shirt] You maniacs! You ate me! [screams and shakes him] Why? [runs away, crying] I can't believe they were so selfish! [cries, then bumps into Squidina and grunts]
• Squidina: [holding shovel] End of the line, Shmandrake. Give me that wish, or you're going back... [points shovel at him] six feet under.
• Shmandrake: [pleading] Whatever you want, kid!
• Squidina: I wish we never found you in the first place.
• Shmandrake: Ah. [laughs] Fiddle dee doo-- [spins and laughs] Fiddle dee done! [snaps fingers]
• [A purple cloud of magic dust takes Squidina back to her operating a camera and recording Patrick's gardening segment. She looks around.]
• Patrick: Wow, the floor is much softer out here, [shown next to a hole] and once we've dug our hole, [takes out small seed] we plant a little seed.
• Squidina: Phew!
• Patrick: [off-screen] Hey, look what I found!
• Squidina: Huh?
• Patrick: [holding a genie lamp] A genie's lamp!
• Squidina: [groans] I wish this cartoon was over already!
• [The genie lamp appears. A genie inside snaps its fingers and a magic cloud of dust transitions to black.]