Club SpongeBob/transcript

• [Scene starts with Squidward coming out of his with a bicycle]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [Giggling]
• SpongeBob: Wey wook.. wit's Widward!! [Hey look... it's Squidward!!]
• Squidward: Wha-?
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughter]
• SpongeBob: Widward's woing wo work. [Squidward's going to work]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughter]
• Patrick: Where...woe's we work? Wat we Wusty Wab? [Where does he work? At the Krusty Krab]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughter]
• Squidward: What's that supposed to mean? Some kind of stupid secret code?
• SpongeBob: We can't tell you because you're not a member of the club.
• Squidward: Oh yeah? What does it take to be a member? Besides being a moron... he-he-he...moron...as a requirement...he-he-he.
• SpongeBob: Sorry Squidward.. but you couldn't even get in if you tried!!
• Squidward: Well I'll have you know.. that I am a member of over 20 exclusive clubs all over the sea bottom.
• Patrick: What'd he say?
• SpongeBob: I dunno, something about his nose?
• Patrick: Squidward, you and your nose will definitely not fit in!
• Squidward: Oh what do two you zeros know about fitting in?
• [Climbs vine]
• Squidward: Why...you should be begging me to join!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: No, no, no! Stop, Squid, you can't join! You can't fit in!
• [Squidward gets stuck in the treehouse]
• Squidward: Well this is stupid... there's no room up here!
• Patrick: That's what we've been trying to tell you!
• SpongeBob: Squidward, we've been stuck up here for three days..
• Patrick: We told you you would fit in..
• Squidward: [sneers]
• SpongeBob: Well...since you're here, Squidward we'll give you the new member initiation. Are you ready, Patrick?
• Patrick: Ready!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick starts singing]

Welcome to our club, Welcome to our club.

Welcome Squidward

Welcome Squidward

Welcome Squidward

Welcome Squidward!

• Squidward: Shut your half-wit pieholes!! I do not now, nor will I ever, want to be a member of your stupid club!!
• [Gets to floor then vine snaps]
• Squidward: AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Nancy: Whoa!
• Frank: Make a wish, honey.
• [Treehouse falls into kelp forest]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoo!! Whoo!! Whoo!! Again!! Again!! WHOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOO!!
• Squidward: Oh, no. That didn't just happen. Please tell me that didn't happen!!
• Patrick: What happened?
• [Squidward moves away]
• Squidward: Where are we? We're lost. There's no way out!! Stuck.. in the middle of nowhere.. with SpongeBob and Patrick!!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick wave at Squidward crying]
• Squidward: Why does every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery? WHHHYY?
• SpongeBob: Oh cheer up Squid. It could be worse.
• Patrick: Yeah. You could be bald and have a big nose.
• [Zooms in on Squidward's head]
• Squidward: Well.. this is the end..
• SpongeBob: No it's not Squidward!
• Patrick: [building coffins] It's not?
• SpongeBob: Come on guys, well be fine! [patting Squidward's head] As long as we stick together, remember, we're a club! WHOOOLOOOLOOOOLLOOOOLOOOO!! And besides...we have THIS!
• [SpongeBob pulls out the Magic Conch Shell]
• Squidward: What's that?
• Patrick: OOOOO!! The Magic Conch Shell! Ask it something! Ask it something!
• SpongeBob: Magic Conch Shell...will I ever get married?
• Magic Conch: Maybe someday.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Oooohhhh...
• Squidward: You've got to be kidding! That is just a STUPID toy! How can that possibly help us?
• SpongeBob: [gasp] Squidward, you must never question the wisdom of the Magic Conch. The club always takes its advice before we do anything.
• Patrick: The shell knows all!
• SpongeBob: Oh, Magic Conch...what do we have to do to get out of the Kelp Forest?
• Magic Conch: Nothing.
• Patrick: THE SHELL HAS SPOKEN!
• Squidward: Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do NOTHING!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick sit down.. doing nothing]
• Squidward: [gets mad] I can't believe you two are gonna take advice.. from a TOY!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing]
• Squidward: Alright. Alright. Alright! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity! But don't you two sad clowns come crying to me when your circus tent comes crashing down!
• [Walking away in kelp forest]
• Squidward: Sad clowns.. Haha. Haha. Sad. Haha. Haha. Clowns. Haha. Haha.
• [Squidward runs fast and scared]
• Squidward: What was that? I was already here! Which way do I go? Ohh I'm lost! Ohh...I'm HOPELESSLY LOST! Ill never get out of here!
• [Sees light]
• Squidward: Huh? Huh? Hhahahahahahaahhaa! I'm FREE!! Take that SpongeBob and Patrick! Ahahaha! Ahahaha!
• [Fist pumps in air. Sees SpongeBob and Patrick]
• Squidward: Huh? Ohh...there's no way out of here.
• [Stick is thrown at Patrick's head.. Squidward has surrounded himself with sticks and a fire]
• Squidward: How's it going over there at Club Shell-For-Brains? Mmm mmm mmm. I am hungry. I wonder what's on the menu for Club SQUIDWARD tonight?
• [Steps on bug]
• Squidward: Aahhhhh...
• [Throws bug onto pan then walks over to SpongeBob]
• Squidward: Oooohh.. Doesn't that smell good SpongeBob? You haven't eaten in days..
• [Walks over to Patrick]
• Squidward: How about you Patrick? A big boy's gotta eat. Well you can't have any.
• [Walks Away]
• Squidward: And do you know why SpongeBob? Because your club president is a shell!
• [Shakes butt at SpongeBob]
• Squidward: If you had listened to me you'd have food, shelter, and a roaring fire. But instead you listen to a talking clam...
• [Moves back to Club Squidward]
• Squidward: That tells you NOTHING! As if the answers of all your answers will fall right out of the sky! Hahaha! Fall right out of the sky!
• [Airplane falling out of the sky]
• Scooter: Dude!! We're falling right out the sky! We gotta drop the load!
• [Presses "Drop the Load" button. Drops picnic supplies [food] to where SpongeBob and Patrick are]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Praise the Magic Conch!
• [Squidward stares and the bug gets up and hits him with the stick. SpongeBob and Patrick eat]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Ahahahaha!
• Squidward: Hey uhh SpongeBob.. that sure is a lot of food you got there..
• SpongeBob: It's a gift from the Magic Conch..
• Squidward: Everything sure looks delicious. Oohh! Smoked Sausages! My favorite!
• [Reaches for them but Patrick sucks them in and eats them]
• Squidward: Hey, uhh, SpongeBob, you know I was just kidding before earlier and I mean I'm still part of the club and I mean the club has to stick together, and uhh, uhh...
• SpongeBob: Squidward...
• Squidward: Yes, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Once a member, always a member!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [clink glasses] To the club! WHOOLOOOLOOOLOOLOOOOLOOO!!
• Squidward: Yeah.. Whooloolooloo.. Now if you'll excuse me...
• [Runs to table with all the food]
• Squidward: What should I eat first? The spaghetti, the turkey, the soup, the canned meat?
• SpongeBob: Why don't you ask.. The Magic Conch Squidward?
• Squidward: Oh, yeah, like that'll happen. Right after I consult the Magic Toenail.
• [SpongeBob and Patrick pull table away]
• SpongeBob: [gasp] Squidward, are you questioning the authority of the Magic Conch? The Conch is the one who gave us this banquet.. This copyrighted conch is the quarterstone of our organization!
• Patrick: Maybe he's not a brother.
• [SpongeBob looks at Patrick wide-eyed]
• Squidward: Hey-he-he, you guys have it all wrong. I love this little piece of plastic.
• [picks up Magic Conch]
• Squidward: Hello there. Magic Conch, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
• Magic Conch: Neither.
• Squidward: Oh. Well what about the soup?
• Magic Conch: I don't think so.
• Squidward: Could I have anything to eat?
• Magic Conch: No.
• Squidward: No?! What do you mean "No"? I'm starving here!
• Patrick: [takes Magic Conch] Here, lemme try. Magic Conch, could Squidward have some of this yummy-delicious-super terrific sandwich?
• Magic Conch: No.
• Patrick: Hmm.. could I have some of this yummy-delicious super terrific sandwich?
• Magic Conch: Yes.
• Patrick: Alright! [Vacuums in sandwich and burps loudly] Sorry Squidward.
• Squidward: Give me that! [takes Magic Conch] Could I have something to eat?
• Magic Conch: No.
• Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
• Magic Conch: No.
• Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
• Magic Conch: No.
• Squidward: Can't you say anything else but no?
• Magic Conch: Try asking again.
• Squidward: Can I have something to eat?
• Magic Conch: [in a very insulting, sarcastic-like tone] No.
• [Squidward fumes...getting mad]
• SpongeBob: Squidward, are you alright?
• [Squidward still getting mad]
• Patrick: Maybe we could ask the shell if he's okay.
• Rescuer: Hello? Anyone there? Hello? HELLO? Do you folks need some help?
• [Cuts through kelp...seeing SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward]
• Squidward: I'm SAVED!
• [Runs over to Rescuer]
• Squidward: You don't know how happy I am to see you. I've been stranded out here for weeks with these two barnacle heads and their Magic Conch Shell!
• Rescuer: Magic...Conch...Shell? [pulls out Magic Conch] YOU MEAN LIKE THIS? [with two big teeth]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: The Magic Conch! A club member!
• SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: WHOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOO!
• Squidward: [in surprise and grunting] Abrae.
• Rescuer: My conch told me to come and save you guys.
• SpongeBob, Patrick and Rescuer: Hooray for the magic conches!
• Rescuer: Alright Magic Conch.. What do we do now?
• Magic Conch: Nothing.
• SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: All hail the Magic Conch!
• [SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Rescuer sit down doing nothing. Squidward moves behind them]
• Squidward: ALL HAIL THE MAGIC CONCH!
• [Sits down with SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Rescuer]