Club SpongeBob/transcript

• [Scene starts with Squidward coming out of his house with a bicycle]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling]
• SpongeBob: Wey, wook. It's Widward! [Hey, look. It's Squidward!]
• Squidward: Wha...?
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughter]
• SpongeBob: Widward's woing to work. [Squidward's going to work]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughter]
• Patrick: Where does he work? Wat the Wusty Wab? [At the Krusty Krab?]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughter]
• Squidward: What's that supposed to be-- some kind of stupid secret code?
• SpongeBob: We can't tell you 'cause you're not a member of the club.
• Squidward: Oh, yeah? What does it take to be a member, besides being a moron? [laughs] Moron... [laughs again] as a requirement. [laughs again]
• SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, but you couldn't get in even if you tried!
• Squidward: Huh? Well, I'll have you know that I am a member of over 20 different exclusive clubs all across the sea bottom!
• Patrick: What did he say?
• SpongeBob: I don't know. Something about his nose?
• Patrick: Squidward, you and your nose will definitely not fit in!
• Squidward: Oh, what do you two zeros know about fitting in? [takes off his hat and starts to climb the vine] Why, you should be begging me to join!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! Squidward, no, no, no! Stop! No, no, no, stop, please, please! Stop, Squidward! You can't join! You can't join! Can't join! You can't get in!
• [Squidward gets stuck inside the treehouse]
• Squidward: Well, this is stupid. There's no room up here!
• Patrick: That's what we've been trying to tell you!
• SpongeBob: We've been stuck up here for three days.
• Patrick: We told you you wouldn't fit in.
• Squidward: [sneers]
• SpongeBob: Well, since you're here, Squidward, we'll give you the new member initiation. Are you ready, Patrick?
• Patrick: Ready!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick starts singing]

Welcome to our club

Welcome to our club

Welcome Squidward

Welcome Squidward

Welcome Squidward

Welcome Squidward

Welcome Squidward...

• Squidward: Shut your half-wit pieholes! [grabs a vine beside the vine holding up the treehouse and pulls it while the treehouse is going down] I do not now, nor will I ever, want to be a member of your stupid club! [gets to the floor but the vine snaps and the vine holding up the treehouse flings back very fast and the treehouse flies off it] AAAAAAHHHHH...!!!
• Nancy: Whoa!
• Frank: Make a wish, honey.
• [Squidward continues screaming. The treehouse falls into the Kelp Forest]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Again! Oh, yeah! Again! [they do the victory screech from "The Algae's Always Greener"
• Squidward: Oh, no. That didn't just happen. Please tell me that didn't happen!
• Patrick: What happened?
• [SpongeBob shrugs. Squidward runs around the treehouse]
• Squidward: Where are we? We're lost! There's no way out! Stuck... in the middle of nowhere... with SpongeBob and Patrick!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick wave at Squidward who starts crying]
• Squidward: Oh, why must every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery? Why-y-y-y?!
• SpongeBob: Oh, cheer up, Squid. It could be worse.
• Patrick: Yeah. You could be bald and have a big nose.
• [camera zooms in on Squidward's head which deflates]
• Squidward: Well... this is the end. [head falls on the ground]]
• SpongeBob: No, it's not, Squidward.
• Patrick: [building coffins] It's not?
• SpongeBob: Come on, guys, we're gonna be fine! [patting Squidward's head] As long as we stick together. Remember, we're a club!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [they do the victory screech again]]
• SpongeBob: And besides, we have this!
• [SpongeBob pulls out a conch]
• Squidward: What's that?
• Patrick: Ohhh! The Magic Conch Shell! Ask it something! Ask it something!
• SpongeBob: Magic Conch Shell, will I ever get married?
• Magic Conch: Maybe someday.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling] Oooohhhh!
• Squidward: You've got to be kidding! That is just a stupid toy! How can that possibly help us?
• SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward, we must never question the wisdom of the Magic Conch. The club always takes its advice before we do anything.
• Patrick: The shell knows all!
• SpongeBob: Oh, Magic Conch Shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest?
• Magic Conch: Nothing.
• Patrick: The shell has spoken!!
• Squidward: Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do nothing!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting down doing nothing]
• Squidward: [growls] I can't believe you two are gonna take advice from a toy!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing]
• Squidward: [growls again]] All right, all right, all right! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity! But don't you two sad clowns come crying to me when your circus tent comes crashing down!
• [Walking away in kelp forest]
• Squidward: Sad clowns.. Haha. Haha. Sad. Haha. Haha. Clowns. Haha. Haha.
• [Squidward runs fast and scared]
• Squidward: What was that? I was already here! Which way do I go? Ohh I'm lost! Ohh... I'm HOPELESSLY LOST! Ill never get out of here!
• [Sees light]
• Squidward: Huh? Huh? Hhahahahahahaahhaa! I'm FREE!! Take that SpongeBob and Patrick! Ahahaha! Ahahaha!
• [Fist pumps in air. Sees SpongeBob and Patrick]
• Squidward: Huh? Ohh...there's no way out of here.
• [Stick is thrown at Patrick's head.. Squidward has surrounded himself with sticks and a fire]
• Squidward: How's it going over there at Club Shell-For-Brains? Mmm mmm mmm. I am hungry. I wonder what's on the menu for Club SQUIDWARD tonight?
• [Steps on bug]
• Squidward: Aahhhhh...
• [Throws bug onto pan then walks over to SpongeBob]
• Squidward: Oooohh.. Doesn't that smell good SpongeBob? You haven't eaten in days..
• [Walks over to Patrick]
• Squidward: How about you Patrick? A big boy's gotta eat. Well you can't have any.
• [Walks Away]
• Squidward: And do you know why SpongeBob? Because your club president is a shell!
• [Shakes butt at SpongeBob]
• Squidward: If you had listened to me you'd have food, shelter, and a roaring fire. But instead you listen to a talking clam...
• [Moves back to Club Squidward]
• Squidward: That tells you NOTHING! As if the answers of all your answers will fall right out of the sky! Hahaha! Fall right out of the sky!
• [Airplane falling out of the sky]
• Scooter: Dude!! We're falling right out the sky! We gotta drop the load!
• [Presses "Drop the Load" button. Drops picnic supplies [food] to where SpongeBob and Patrick are]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Praise the Magic Conch!
• [Squidward stares and the bug gets up and hits him with the stick. SpongeBob and Patrick eat]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Ahahahaha!
• Squidward: Hey uhh SpongeBob.. that sure is a lot of food you got there..
• SpongeBob: It's a gift from the Magic Conch..
• Squidward: Everything sure looks delicious. Oohh! Smoked Sausages! My favorite!
• [Reaches for them but Patrick sucks them in and eats them]
• Squidward: Hey, uhh, SpongeBob, you know I was just kidding before earlier and I mean I'm still part of the club and I mean the club has to stick together, and uhh, uhh...
• SpongeBob: Squidward...
• Squidward: Yes, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Once a member, always a member!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [clink glasses] To the club! WHOOLOOOLOOOLOOLOOOOLOOO!!
• Squidward: Yeah.. Whooloolooloo.. Now if you'll excuse me...
• [Runs to table with all the food]
• Squidward: What should I eat first? The spaghetti, the turkey, the soup, the canned meat?
• SpongeBob: Why don't you ask.. The Magic Conch Squidward?
• Squidward: Oh, yeah, like that'll happen. Right after I consult the Magic Toenail.
• [SpongeBob and Patrick pull table away]
• SpongeBob: [gasp] Squidward, are you questioning the authority of the Magic Conch? The Conch is the one who gave us this banquet.. This copyrighted conch is the quarterstone of our organization!
• Patrick: Maybe he's not a brother.
• [SpongeBob looks at Patrick wide-eyed]
• Squidward: Hey-he-he, you guys have it all wrong. I love this little piece of plastic.
• [picks up Magic Conch]
• Squidward: Hello there. Magic Conch, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
• Magic Conch: Neither.
• Squidward: Oh. Well what about the soup?
• Magic Conch: I don't think so.
• Squidward: Could I have anything to eat?
• Magic Conch: No.
• Squidward: No?! What do you mean "No"? I'm starving here!
• Patrick: [takes Magic Conch] Here, lemme try. Magic Conch, could Squidward have some of this yummy-delicious-super terrific sandwich?
• Magic Conch: No.
• Patrick: Hmm.. could I have some of this yummy-delicious super terrific sandwich?
• Magic Conch: Yes.
• Patrick: Alright! [Vacuums in sandwich and burps loudly] Sorry Squidward.
• Squidward: Give me that! [takes Magic Conch] Could I have something to eat?
• Magic Conch: No.
• Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
• Magic Conch: No.
• Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
• Magic Conch: No.
• Squidward: Can't you say anything else but no?
• Magic Conch: Try asking again.
• Squidward: Can I have something to eat?
• Magic Conch: [in a very insulting, sarcastic-like tone] No.
• [Squidward fumes...getting mad]
• SpongeBob: Squidward, are you alright?
• [Squidward still getting mad]
• Patrick: Maybe we could ask the shell if he's okay.
• Rescuer: Hello? Anyone there? Hello? HELLO? Do you folks need some help?
• [Cuts through kelp...seeing SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward]
• Squidward: I'm SAVED!
• [Runs over to Rescuer]
• Squidward: You don't know how happy I am to see you. I've been stranded out here for weeks with these two barnacle heads and their Magic Conch Shell!
• Rescuer: Magic...Conch...Shell? [pulls out Magic Conch] YOU MEAN LIKE THIS? [with two big teeth]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: The Magic Conch! A club member!
• SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: WHOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOO!
• Squidward: [in surprise and grunting] Abrae.
• Rescuer: My conch told me to come and save you guys.
• SpongeBob, Patrick and Rescuer: Hooray for the magic conches!
• Rescuer: Alright Magic Conch.. What do we do now?
• Magic Conch: Nothing.
• SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: All hail the Magic Conch!
• [SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Rescuer sit down doing nothing. Squidward moves behind them]
• Squidward: ALL HAIL THE MAGIC CONCH!
• [Sits down with SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Rescuer]