All That Glitters/transcript

(at the Krusty Krab)

Customer: One Monster Krabby Patty, please.

Squidward: Hmph, no one's ordered the monster patty in ages. SpongeBob, one monster patty.

SpongeBob: (gasps) Did you say a monster krabby patty?

Squidward: Uhh, one monster krabby patty.

Mr. Krabs: HUH? Monster krabby patty?!

Customers: Monster krabby patty?!

Customer #2: (in bathroom) Monster krabby patty?! (a set of real hands drops a huge meat pile on the grill)

SpongeBob: Oh dear Neptune.

Squidward: Oh, boy.

SpongeBob: (puts his spatula under the meat) We can do this. At the count of three, we flip. Ready? One, two, three. (Spatula breaks in half) Spat? (SpongeBob screams in front of everyone while showing his spatula that is broken. scene cuts to SpongeBob at a therapist)

Therapist: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Go on. (SpongeBob screams more.

(Spongebob on a cliff, still screaming. Patrick comes up and joins in screaming.)

(Switches to an ambulance taking Spatula away, Mr. Krabs and Spongebob quietly watch)

Krabs: Well, we better get back to work.

SpongeBob: Work? How can I go back to work without...without spat?!

Mr. Krabs: Use another spatular.

SpongeBob: (close-up of his face, his eyes are hypno-like) WHAT?! There is only one spatula for me, and that is Spat. Spat, wait up! Spat! (runs off to the hospital) I'm coming Spat!

(scene cuts to hospital where SpongeBob is by a spatula's bed)

Spongebob: Oh, Spat, we've been through so much together.

(SpongeBob flashes back to all the good times he had with his spatula: flipping patties, laying in the sun with spatula, scratching his back with spatula, playing ping pong with his spatula, reaching under the chair for the remote with spatula, and playing pirates with spatula)

Doctor: There's no easy way to say this. SpongeBob, if I were you, I would give serious consideration to start thinking about a replacement spatula.

(SpongeBob turns around and starts to cry then turns back around)

Doctor: Go home. Get some rest. We'll try to do everything we can.

SpongeBob: Thank you, Doctor.

Doctor: Oh, I'm not a doctor. I'm an actor whose searching for a role. Yes! Woohoo! I am so totally gonna get this part. (gives a sigh of relief)

SpongeBob: (gives a kiss to the spatula and walks out of the hospital) Replacement spatula? How can anything ever replace...HEY! Look at that! (notices a sign that says "LE SPATULA INSIDE" and a picture of a high-tech spatula is on it)

Spongebob: (Thinks) Ooh. Looks fancy. So shiny. All those lines so sleek. What am I talking about? I don't need this. (walks off then reappears inside the shop in front of the spatula) (Thinks) Maybe I do need this. (his eyes are shaped as a spatula)

Doctor: (in SpongeBob’s thought bubble) I would give serious consideration to... (bell gongs) a replacement spatula.

(SponmployeegeBob slowly reaches for the spatula but his hand is slapped away by one of the employees)

SpongeBob: OW!

Employee: Uh-uh! No touchy-touchy the Le Spatula! It's very, very expensive.

SpongeBob: I'm sorry.

Employee: Of course, if you purchase this fine item, you may... hold it.

SpongeBob: I've got some loose change in my pocket, will this cover it? (takes out a bunch of money)

Employee: Umm... (takes out a calculator and punches in many numbers) ...no.

(Scene switches to Spongebob's house, next to a shelf of piggy banks)

SpongeBob: (breaks a piggy bank with a hammer) How about now?

Employee: No.

SpongeBob: (breaks another piggy bank) Now?

Employee: No.

SpongeBob: (breaks another piggy bank) Now?

Employee: No.

SpongeBob: (breaks another piggy bank) Now?

Employee: No.

SpongeBob: (breaks another piggy bank) Now?

Employee: No.

SpongeBob: (lifts up Gary's shell where there is a big diamond under it) Now?

Employee: No.

SpongeBob: (sells his house) That's everything I have. Now can I buy Le Spatula?

Employee: Everything, huh? (Looks at Spongebob clothes) Nice outfit!

(scene cuts to SpongeBob walking down the street nude where everyone is looking at him in shock)

SpongeBob: Evening, sir. Hey, Granny, what's shakin'? (walks into the Krusty Krab, passes Squidward) Ooh, breezy today.

Squidward: (Snickers) Nice outfit, SpongeBob! (laughs hysterically)

SpongeBob: Thanks, Squidward. It was worth every penny.

Mr. Krabs: What's all the lollygagging about?

Squidward: (still laughing) Mr. Krabs, get a load of SpongeBob.

Mr. Krabs: This better be good. (walks into the kitchen)

SpongeBob: Soon everyone will know of your beauty.

Mr. Krabs: Alright, what's going on in(sees Spongebob's nude)...ooh...don't you have any shame, boy?

SpongeBob: All my shame went into here, Mr. Krabs. (shows Le Spatula)

Mr. Krabs: Le Spatula! What in blazes is that?

SpongeBob: Oh, just the answer to our little production dilemma. (Le Spatula glows)

Mr. SKrabs: Well, what can it do?

Squidward: Can it make me famous?

SpongeBob: Anything you want and more. (pushes a button and the spatula spins)

Mr. Krabs: Ooh, that sounds excitin'. Let me have a go at it. (Reaches for Le Spatula)

SpongeBob: (Holds Le Spatula away from Mr. Krabs's reach) Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs, no can do.

Mr. Krabs: (shocked) What? Are you going against your commanding officer?

SpongeBob: No, it's not that. It's just that this is a highly developed piece of engineering that takes quality time to master.

Mr. Krabs: With that fancy machinery, I expect you to make krabby patties twice as fast.

SpongeBob: Oh, I don't think that'll be a problem, Mr. Krabs. In fact... (pushes a button and a bunch of spatulas appear)

Le Spatula: (says mechanically) Le Spatula 3000 at your service!

Mr. Krabs: Huh, impressive. Well, let's see that thing impress me even more by bringing in more customers and more money in me pocket. (laughs and walks away with Squidward)

SpongeBob: Oh, you won't believe what Le Spatula is capable of. Ready to show 'em buddy? (all the spatulas go into hiding) Oh, it's ok. No need to be shy. It's always tough the first day on the job. (scene cuts to outside the kitMr. Krabs:chen)

Customer #3: Uhh, can I get one krabby patty, please?

Squidward: SpongeBob, I need one krabby patty.

SpongeBob: (back in the kitchen) One krabby patty, coming up lickity split. (tries to use Le Spatula but every time he tries to flip the patty, the spatula goes another direction) Spat, is there something wrong, pal?

Le Spatula: I would not dare touch such slop as how do you say krabby patty. I am designed for the up most interesting cuisine. No less!

SpongeBob: But, but, I thought we were friends.

Le Spatula: Friends with you?! Ha! We are not even in the same social class. (jumps out of SpongeBob’s arms and extends it legs to land on the floor) Have a nice life of mediocrity, fry cook! (runs out laughing)

SpongeBob: Le Spatula, wait. I gave up everything for you. We had something. (Le Spatula punches SpongeBob in the face)

Le Spatula: What's this for something? Au revoir, peasants! Have fun laboring in your greasy spoon. (spits and runs out)

Mr. Krabs: What happened?

SpongeBob: Le Spatula is gone, Mr. Krabs.

Mr Krabs: Well how are you gonna make Krabby Patties WITHOUT A SPATULAR?!

SpongeBob: I had a spatula once. A real spatula. One that stood by me through thick and thin, through grease and gristle, and I betrayed his loyalty, like a fool!

Mr. Krabs: I always did like your old spatular. It got the job done every time.

SpongeBob: You're right, Mr. Krabs. The true measure of a good spatula is by his actions. Not by some fancy chrome and buttons. I gotta find my old spatula.

Mr. Krabs: Go to em. Go now, boy. Go before I lose all me customers. (starts to cry; scene cuts to the spatula's hospital bed from the start of the episode, with the pulse meter slowing, then becomes a flat line.)

SpongeBob: Spatula?? It can't be true. It's too late!! (cries)

Doctor: SpongeBob, I-I hate to tell you this...

SpongeBob: I know. He's moved on to the big kitchen drawer in the sky. He's gone! (sobs)

Doctor: Actually, it's not that. I didn't get the acting part.

SpongeBob: Oh, I'm so sorry. (cries more)

Doctor: Oh, by the way, that's not your spatula. Your buddy's all patched up in the infirmary. (scene pans over to the Infirmary where Spat is in a wheelchair)

SpongeBob: (gasps) Spatula!! (runs into the infirmary) Oh, buddy! Oh, I'm so glad you're better! (Spat turns around and ignores SpongeBob) Spatula, what's wrong? (spatula shakes its head) But I didn't mean to betray you. Mr Krabs needed a replacement. Krabby patties don't flip themselves, you know. It was a moment of weakness. I'm sorry-y-y-y! Oh, what have I done? What have I done? (cries and rolls. As he is doing this, another SpongeBob comes up into the scene)

SpongeBob #2: (in a monotone voice): All that glitters is not gold. (as SpongeBob is still throwing a fit, spatula wheels itself away)

(SpongeBob cries all the way to the Krusty Krab kitchen)

Spongebob: I'll never find another spatula like him, again. (notices a spatula flipping burgers by itself) Spatula? You're back! (SpongeBob jumps for spatula in slow motion, camera cuts to outer space) Oh, spatula, now that we're together again, nothing will ever separate us.

Squidward: One monster krabby patty. (the same real set of hands put a bunch of meat on the grill as before)

SpongeBob: Ok, buddy, we can do this. Ready? One, two, three. (SpongeBob arms come off) D'oh! (laughs)