Artist Unknown/transcript

Squidward: Ah, how I have dreamed of this day. Professor of Art. What a marvelous opportunity for the people of Bikini Bottom. Bring me your huddle masses of bored house wives and I will shape them into my image. (wife’s head turns into Squidward’s) And I'll go down in history, someday. And there will be a wing with my name on it in all the museums of the world.

Janitor: Dude, you're teaching art at the rec center. Calm down.

Squidward: Uncultured trash urchin. 9am. Time to let the class in. Well, don't want to keep them waiting any longer. (opens door) Welcome to art class!

Fish: Oh, isn't this cooking? Sorry. (everyone leaves except one)

SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! Are you taking this art class, too?

Squidward: SpongeBob? In art class? Wait! This is cooking! Come back! You gotta be kidding.

SpongeBob: (laughs) This is great! You and me in school together. So, where's the teacher?

Squidward: You're looking at him.

SpongeBob: You are the teacher? To my pupil? This isn't art class, it's Heaven.

Squidward: Yeah. Grab a little piece of Heaven and let's get on with it.

SpongeBob: I'm ready, Mr. Tentacles.

Squidward: So, you wanna be an artist, eh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes, please.

Squidward: Well, art is not all fun and games. It's a lot of hard work. Ok. First, repeat after me: I have no talent.

SpongeBob: I have no talent.

Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

SpongeBob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles talent will rub off on me.

SpongeBob: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles on my art. (smiles)

(The scene cuts to Squidward with a sad look on his face, the camera cuts back to SpongeBob and he is still smiling, the camera again cuts back to Squidward)

Squidward: Whatever. Ok. Since you’re telling me you have no prior training, we'll have to start from square one. Or should I say circle one. (draws a crooked circle, then laughs) Am I going to fast for you SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: How's this, Squidward?

Squidward: What the? How the? A perfect circle? Do it again. Show your process.

SpongeBob: Well, first I draw this head. (draws an amazing head) Then I erase some of the more detailed features. And one, two, three. A circle, uhh, thingy.

Squidward: Gimme that. (crumples paper) Forget the circles.

SpongeBob: Ooh, nice one Squidward. Let me try. (laughs) Looky, Squidward. It's you and me playing leapfrog. That's you on the bottom.

Squidward: Gimme that. (rips up paper) There is nothing artistic about leapfrog. (SpongeBob puts pieces together) What are you doing, now?

SpongeBob: I call it: Rippy Bits. You take a bunch of old ripped of paper, and make a new picture out of it. See? You're on top...this...time. (blows paper)

Squidward: Do you want to learn art, or not?

SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Squidward, I'll listen.

Squidward: Alright, SpongeBob, pay close attention. Look at your marble. Visualize the sculpture within. And... (hits marble with tools and it becomes pieces)

SpongeBob: (hits marble with tools and it becomes a perfect sculpture) How's this Squidward?

Squidward (crying): It's beautiful! I mean, this isn't a sculpture. A good sculpture takes...more time. You can't just sculpt Willie-Nillie. You've got to go by the book. Follow the rules. (SpongeBob wipes away a tear) Otherwise, you'll never get passed Amateur Hour, here. Besides, you've got the nose wrong. (Squidward puts a nose like his on the sculpture) There, now it's art.

SpongeBob: Ohhh, it's so obvious. I would've never thought of that. I'm sorry, Squidward. I came here to learn and I arrogantly shoved your lessons. I'll never be a great artist like you. I don't deserve yor tutoring. I don't deserve your kindness. I don't even deserve to use your door. (door opens hitting SpongeBob out the window in the garbage dumpster)

Monty: Hello there.

SpongeBob: But I did deserve that. (dumpster closes) I deserved that, too. (garbage man takes SpongeBob to dump) And I deserve this!

Monty: Good day, sir.

Squidward: Sorry, class dismissed. You're too late.

Monty: Oh, I beg your pardon, but I've forgotten my manners. My name is Monty P. Moneybags.

Squidward: World famous art collector?

Monty: The one and only.

Squidward: Well, what are you doing here?

Monty: I'm on a shopping spree. Buying art for my new museum.

Squidward: Your search is over. I am Bikini Bottom's greatest artiste. I call this one: Squidward in repose.

Monty: I, uh, don't think that will fit in with the other pieces in my collection.

Squidward: Why not?

Monty: Because, it's an art collection. (laughs)

Squidward: How about this one? I call it: Bold and Brash.

Monty: More like: Belongs in the Trash. (laughs)

Janitor: Sorry. I must've missed that one. (grabs the painting and throws it in the trash)

Monty: Maybe I should be...huh? What is that?

Squidward: Wait, wait. That's not uh, uh...

Monty: Angelic form, amazing detail, perfect censorship. This is the work of a true genius. Hello? What this? This is the only flaw. (removes the nose Squidward added on) Ah, that's more like it. I simply must find the artist responsible. He shall have fame.

Squidward: Fame. (Squidward imagines himself as popular)

Monty: Fortune.

Squidward: Fortune. (Squidward imagines himself in a tub full of money)

Monty: Anything his heart desires.

Squidward: Anything? (Squidward imagines himself with hair) It's me. It's me. I'm responsible.

Monty: I can see it now. Your name in the world's most prestigious museums. I'm gonna make you, immortal!! Now, uh, help me get this in the car.

Squidward: I could use a little help. (sculptures head falls off and turns into dust) My fame, my fortune, my hair.

Monty: Well, that's a bit a bad luck right there. But, this shouldn't be a problem for an artist of your magnitude. You can whip up another one.

Squidward: Yeah, no problem. You know, between you and me, this isn't my best work. Why don't you come back tomorrow and I'll have something that will really knock your socks off.

Monty: Between you and me, I'm not wearing socks. (laughs)

Squidward: Yeah, no socks. Ok, see you tomorrow. Bye. I gotta find SpongeBob!! (at dump) SpongeBob...SpongeBob? SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Go away, Squidward. I don't deserve your kindness.

Squidward: Hey, cheer up. I have decided to give you another chance. Why, with a great teacher like me, anything is possible.

SpongeBob: Don't look at me Squidward. Don't look at my shame. These hands weren't meant to create. They only destroy. I can't look at them. (SpongeBob's hands pop off and run into a soup can)

Squidward: Aww, c'mon SpongeBob. You've got yourself a pair of yellow dandies here. With my help, we'll turn them into tools of beauty.

SpongeBob: Really?

Squidward: Really!

SpongeBob: Really?

Squidward: Really!

SpongeBob: Really?

Squidward: Really.

SpongeBob: Wow. (pause) Really?

Squidward: Let's go.

SpongeBob: (notices a painting in the dump) Squidward, look. It's ol' bold and brash.

Squidward: Gimme that. (back at classroom) Ok, SpongeBob. Just do what you did before.

SpongeBob: I...can't!

Squidward: Ah, ah. Wait, wait. Let me help. Let's start with the circle again.

SpongeBob: I did it, Squidward. (draws a crooked circle)

Squidward: Huh? But, but, what about the head...and the erasing, and the, the...

SpongeBob: I don’t know, Squidward. That stud’s not in the book.

Squidward: Uhh... (crumples paper) How about this, huh? Remember?

SpongeBob: That's not in the book, either.

Squidward: Forget about the book. (rips book) Ha! Look at all this mess SpongeBob. What do all these little pieces of paper make you want to do.

SpongeBob: Wait, I know this. Oh, wait, I think I got it. (puts book back together) Tada! (Squidward's nose melts off his face)

Squidward: Ok, SpongeBob. Let's just move onto the marble.

SpongeBob: First, an artist must concentrate and visualize his concept.

Squidward: Now you've got it.

SpongeBob: I've gotta embrace the marble!

Squidward: Right.

SpongeBob: I've gotta sniff the marble!

Squidward: Well, uh, ok.

SpongeBob: I've gotta lick the marble!

Squidward: Uhh...

SpongeBob: (washes the marble in a washing machine) I've gotta wash the marble! I've gotta date the marble! (expands himself so that he's the same size as the marble) I've gotta be the marble! I've got it! I have see the sculpture within.

Squidward: Here you go, buddy. (hands him sculpting tools)

SpongeBob: With this tool, I shall give birth to art.

Squidward: Oh, boy. (SpongeBob taps marble with tool and breaks into pieces)

SpongeBob: But, one more thing. (puts Squidward's nose on it) There. Now it's art. Well, what do you think, Squidward? Just take it all in for a moment. Let it soak in. (Squidward gets irritated and throws everything into a pile) It looks like the excitement of my artistic triumph is too much for Squidward. Oh, well, back to the dump. (runs through the wall and down the road) To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump dump. To the dump, to the dump, To the dump, dump dump.

Monty: I'm here for the...what the? Who is responsible for this?

Squidward: As of now, it's his responsibility. (puts hat on janitor's head) Good day to you, sir. (it is revealed that when Squidward smashed all of the marble together, he created an even better sculpture than the first one and left without even seeing it.) (Squidward just referred to the end of "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" about what Mr. Wonka tells Charlie and Grandpa Joe: "You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir(s)!")

Monty: You, sir, are the greatest artist whoever lived!