As Seen on TV/transcript

• [Mrs. Pretty is sniffing some ass]
• C'mon, Mrs. Pretty. We haven't got all day. We've got to get down to me favorite whore house. Mine. Where we're shooting our first ever Krusty Krotch commercial. After this commercial airs, we'll be swarming with horny customers. I can already feel myself sweatin' cum!
• [Mrs. Pretty dies]
• Mr. Krabs: No, I got Squidward organizing the whole thing. He's...ya know...gay. What the...? This looks expensive. Out of my way. F*ck you. Move it or lose it. Squidward!

Squidward: What?

Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name is going on?

Squidward: We're making the commercial, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: What you're doing is throwing away me money! I told you to rent, only, what is absolutely unecessary.

Squidward: This is all unecessary.

Mr. Krabs: Then what's all this useless shit?

Squidward: That's the useless shit for scene, uhh, 2,000.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, well, then how do you explain that? (Pointing to 2 Krusty Krotch) A 2nd Krusty anus?

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, everyone needs an understudy. (showing 2 sluts kissing)

Mr. Krabs: Well, you got me there. But why do we need him? (Pointing to a pimp)

Squidward: This job gets very stressful, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: All right, get lost, all of ya. You're gay. Go on. Scram. Get out of here, you f*ckers. That's right, keep moving. Except you, you die. (Pimp slaps him)

Squidward: Well, this is just great. Now we've got no whores to make the commercial.

Mr. Krabs: What are you talking about, Squidward? We got the cheapest whores in the world. You, me, and SpongeBalls. Speaking of which, where is the little flamer?

SpongeBalls: (underground) I'm gay, sir.

Mr. Krabs: What are you doing, fag?

SpongeBalls: Squidward said I could help by f*cking myself!

Mr. Krabs: Quit fooling and come on out. I need you to be in the commercial.

SpongeBalls: (gasps) Me? In the Krusty Krotch commercial? Me!

Squidward: But, but, but, but, but, but, but... Mr. Krabs: Don't throw your butts at me, Mr. Squidward. We got a time table to keep. This thing airs tonight.

SpongeBalls & Squidward: Tonight?!

Mr. Krabs: Yup, I got a sweet deal on prime-time slot. Narrator: 3:28am

SpongeBob: It's almost on, Gary.

Gary: (screams) RAAAAAGH!

SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm gay, too. This is the most exciting thing to happen in the history of history. (TV shows porn. Then shows KK commercial)

SpongeBob: Look, Gary! It's on!

---

Start of commercial----------

Pearl: Oh, Jen. I've got a real problem

Squidward (Jen): What's your problem, Amy?

Pearl (Amy): I've got all these dildos and I don't know what to do with them and I'm horny.

(Mr. Krabs is laughing off-set)

Pearl (Amy): Who's there?

Squidward (Jen): Where's that coming from?

(Purple cum appears)

Amy and Jen: Yippee, it's Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: That's right, Amy. I heard all about your little problem and I'm here to help. Follow...me!

Amy and Jen: Where are we?

Mr. Krabs: Why, we're at none other than The Krusty Krotch.

Amy: Did you say Krusty Krotch?

Mr. Krabs: That's right, Krusty Krotch. Home of the world famous: Krabby Penis!

Jen: What's a krabby penis?

(Mr. Krabs dick drops off)

Mr. Krabs: Why it's only the most mouth-watering appetizing penis in the seven seas.

SpongeBalls: I am horny Gary! Yes I am!

Mr. Krabs: We start with a fresh dildo, grilled and juicy. Add some crisp undersea vaginas and cheese. Topped off with secret sauce and some buns. Voila! A krabby penis.

Amy: I want a krabby penis.

Jen: Me, too.

Mr. Krabs: How do you like them krabby penises, girls? (laughs)

Amy & Jen: (middle finger)

(Mr. Krabs still laughing)

SpongeBalls: Look, Gary, I am horny again. Look!

Mr. Krabs: Two more satisfied customers. So why don't you cum on in, and have yourself a krabby penis today.

All: The Krusty Krotch: Come F*ck Your Best Friend Here!

---

End of commercial---------- SpongeBalls: That was the best 60 seconds of my life! Well, time for bed. (It's morning) SpongeBalls: Time to go do my favorite thing at my favorite place. (humming) Elderly Slut: Hey, you! SpongeBalls: Top of the morning, bitch. Elderly Slut: Hey! I saw you on TV last night. (Then a flashback shows that the elderly woman was actually watching a porn commercial and saw the ass.) Announcer: New, Ass Face. Bold, new taste. Ass Face. SpongeBalls: You did? Elderly Slut: Yeah. You were on a commercial. SpongeBalls: You're right! Wow, he recognized me. Elderly Slut: Yup. See ya later, Ass Face. What a nice ass. SpongeBalls: (talking to self) "Weren't you that guy on TV?" Yes! I am that guy. (laughs) How gay of you to notice. Weren't you that guy on the television last night? No, f*ck me. I... (runs into citizen) SpongeBalls: Oh, please excuse me, sir. Citizen: Oh, you're a fag, uhh, SpongeBalls. SpongeBalls: Wow. I'm getting f*cked all over. Why next thing you'll know, people are going to start doing things like holding anuses open for... (gasps) Why, sir, I'm horny. Citizen: Oh, really? I'm not gay. SpongeBalls: (laughs) You're on your way, fag. Fred: Excuse me, sir, can I get a dildo? SpongeBalls: Why of course, f*cker. And next time, feel free to approach me. It most be so degrading to cum from across the room. And who am I f*cking? Fred: My ass. I'll f*ck myself. SpongeBalls: A-S-S. There we are, slut. Hmph. Looks like gayness got the best of him. Squidward: There you are, SpongeBalls. I need you to... SpongeBalls: No problem, Squidward. I got one already hard. Enjoy. Squidward: To my ass? (checks to see if he has one) SpongeBalls: Yes I am that guy on TV. Kid: Hey, look! SpongeBalls: Please good people, no pornos at work. Kid: Here's the cum. SpongeBalls: Well, maybe just one. (poses) Another one? Ok. 69! And now, the, uh, oh, I got it. Mr. Krabs: There you are, SpongeBalls. SpongeBalls: Yes, cowgirl position! Mr. Krabs: I need you to...(gets hit with dick)...OW! (penis breaks) Alright, boy. Get in there and scrub my dick and stop acting so predictable. SpongeBalls: I'm so gay. Alas, good people, even the brightest of porn stars grow weary and I am no exception. But I will shine again after a quick break in my love tower. You've been beautiful. Customer #1: Hey, were you able to catch Sluty the Slut on Girls Gone Wild last night? Customer #2: No. How was she? Customer #1: Well, I knew that chick's blowing was good, but her f*cking was phenomenal. I'm telling you, Gaylord, if that whore was to be in a porn magazine, she'd be a hit. SpongeBalls: Porn magazine! (In Mr. Krabs office) Mr. Krabs: So, if I f*ck him and make a hooker do twice the work, and...(knock on door)...eh, cum in my ass.(in walks SpongeBalls and poses like a slut) Oh, it's just you, SpongeBalls. Those dicks better be beautiful. SpongeBalls: They are, Mr. Krabs, and so is mine. And now I gotta f*ck on ya, Krabs Baby. Mr. Krabs: The only thing you better f*ck is a whore on the bed, F*ck Boy. SpongeBalls: Nah, I can't take that gig, Fag. That phase in my career is over. I'm a porn star now. Mr. Krabs: What in blazes are you talking about? SpongeBalls: Come on, Krabs. Let's think about the tits for a second. Commercials are old-half. The people want porn! If I could change fate I would, Fag. And I'm a porn star deep down. A people's slut. We're on the same page here, aren't we? Mr. Krabs: Boy, those cum shots must've gotten to your head. Borrow Squidward's ass mask and get right back to work. SpongeBalls: (strokes his dick twice) F*ck you. Well, thanks for the start. I'm out of here. (SpongeBalls rubs his penis outside his office) Mr. Krabs: Oooooh...I've never felt such a strange combination of horny...and hungry. Customer #2: There he is! Hey! We've been waiting for you. Customer #3: Where have you been? Customer #2: How long are you going to keep us f*cking here? Squidward: Well, SpongeBalls? Are you just going to stand there like a tit, ass ungaped? Or are you going to fill these peoples' vaginas? SpongeBalls: F*ck you Squidward. This crowd looks horny. They're not going to wait any longer. I think I better give them what they need, and fast. Squidward: I think so, too, or Krabs will f*ck both of us. On second thought, keep 'em waiting. SpongeBalls: No can do, Squidward. These people demand porn. Squidward: Porn? (SpongeBalls grabs a slut's tits) SpongeBalls: How you doing bitch? Customers: Horny! SpongeBalls: That's no problem, ladies and whores. 'Cause SpongeBalls is here to satisfy. (Lights are turned down) Squidward: Hey! Customer #2: F*cking here was your idea!

Song: "Hard Dick"

I'd like to call this little number "Hard Dick." The best time to have a hard dick is all the time. One with forseskin, pink and hard, that's the kind! 'Cause when you're horny, there's that one...big...dick... (Everyone cums) SpongeBalls: Squidward, this crowd is moist and wanting! Squidward: Then why don't you back in the love tower and grab some dildos and give them what they came here for!! SpongeBalls: F*cking! Thanks, Squiddy. (all the customers cum again) Customer #4: F*ck you! SpongeBalls: They want me to f*ck them and me at the same time? Tough crowd. Customer #2: Oh, now what's he doing? SpongeBalls: Uhh, what do you call a pimp whose limo breaks down 3 miles from a whore house? A cock! Customer #2: We're losing our hardness! SpongeBalls: Uh, ok. There's a slut, an ass-tro-not, and a dick-wetter. Customers: We want cum! SpongeBalls: Well, the most I can f*ck is three, but the show must go on. ((SpongeBalls cums and dildos flip in the air)) No!!!!!!!! ((talking in his dick)) My career is over. All those years f*cking my way up. All the people I've came on. F*ck. ((dildos land in their vaginas)) Customer #2: Hey! Finally! Customer #4: That's what we've been waiting for! (dotted lines form from his dick to point to the vagina) SpongeBalls: They seem to like it when I put this dildo in the girl. I may be able to save this act, yet. Roll with it, SpongeBalls. Roll with it. There's more where that came from, sluts. (SpongeBalls puts a whole ton of dildos in the girls) Customers: Yay! SpongeBalls: You like that? Customer #2: It's what we wanted all along! SpongeBob: It seems to be working. But how do I follow it up? Tits! It's a stretch, but we've all got to f*ck our mom, sometime. Ok, folks. How do you like this? (grabs everyone's boobs) Customers: Yeah! SpongeBalls: I'm f*cking a new crowd. Time to get horny. Customers: We want vibrators! Cum! Yeah! SpongeBalls: Ready for the grand finale? (Crowd spreads their ass cheeks so they can catch the cum. Dildos land in thier asses) Customers: Whoopee! Krabby penises! Mr. Krabs: Well, SpongeBalls, looks like you've finally found your calling. SpongeBalls: I'll say. I'm so glad I gave up lap dancing for this.