Captain Pipsqueak/transcript
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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Captain Pipsqueak" from season 13, which aired on July 22, 2022.
La-da-dee, la-da-da,
la-da-da ♪
4 00:00:13.246 --> 00:00:14.614 - [distant screaming] - Uh-oh.
5 00:00:14.614 --> 00:00:15.882 Incoming.
6 00:00:15.882 --> 00:00:17.817 - Ahh!
7 00:00:17.817 --> 00:00:19.953 [groaning]
8 00:00:19.953 --> 00:00:21.287 - [laughs]
9 00:00:21.287 --> 00:00:23.957 Plankton, you're a hot mess.
10 00:00:23.957 --> 00:00:26.960 Serves ya right fer tryin' to steal me formular
11 00:00:26.960 --> 00:00:29.963 for the gazillionth time.
12 00:00:29.963 --> 00:00:32.065 - I'll have my revenge!
13 00:00:32.065 --> 00:00:34.534 Mark my words!
14 00:00:34.534 --> 00:00:36.503 - [laughs] - Aw, come on.
15 00:00:36.503 --> 00:00:37.604 This isn't over!
16 00:00:37.604 --> 00:00:39.706 [grunts] - Oh, hard day at work?
17 00:00:39.706 --> 00:00:41.107 I know what you need.
18 00:00:41.107 --> 00:00:42.442 - Ahh!
19 00:00:42.442 --> 00:00:43.710 [gasps]
20 00:00:43.710 --> 00:00:45.512 [sighs]
21 00:00:45.512 --> 00:00:46.713 [whimpers]
22 00:00:46.713 --> 00:00:49.883 [sobbing]
23 00:00:49.883 --> 00:00:55.288 Oh, Karen, I'm never gonna get that Krabby Patty formula!
24 00:00:55.288 --> 00:00:57.023 [sniffles, grunts]
25 00:00:57.023 --> 00:00:59.292 Oops.
26 00:01:01.561 --> 00:01:05.165 Mmm, not bad.
27 00:01:05.165 --> 00:01:08.301 [laughter]
28 00:01:09.302 --> 00:01:12.238 - Enjoy your molten face peels!
29 00:01:12.238 --> 00:01:14.107 - Holy clambake!
30 00:01:14.107 --> 00:01:16.042 Are Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy
31 00:01:16.042 --> 00:01:19.779 about to become hero flambé cooked by Man Ray
32 00:01:19.779 --> 00:01:22.182 and his criminal posse of E.V.I.L.?
33 00:01:22.182 --> 00:01:23.883 - I hope so!
34 00:01:23.883 --> 00:01:26.686 I love it when the villains gain the upper hand.
35 00:01:26.686 --> 00:01:27.921 [laughs]
36 00:01:27.921 --> 00:01:31.090 - As our heroes face certain doom,
37 00:01:31.090 --> 00:01:32.725 the villains escape
38 00:01:32.725 --> 00:01:35.295 to their secret underground lair!
39 00:01:35.295 --> 00:01:36.296 - [laughs]
40 00:01:36.296 --> 00:01:37.730 - Of course!
41 00:01:37.730 --> 00:01:39.199 All I need to do is
42 00:01:39.199 --> 00:01:41.000 join the criminals of E.V.I.L.!
43 00:01:41.000 --> 00:01:42.802 They'll help me defeat Krabs.
44 00:01:42.802 --> 00:01:43.870 - Smart thinking.
45 00:01:43.870 --> 00:01:46.506 You can go as "Towel Man."
46 00:01:46.506 --> 00:01:48.475 - Don't be a wisenheimer.
47 00:01:48.475 --> 00:01:51.077 I can't accessorize this old rag.
48 00:01:51.077 --> 00:01:53.713 I need a real costume.
49 00:01:53.713 --> 00:01:56.049 ♪ ♪
50 00:01:56.049 --> 00:01:57.050 Eh?
51 00:01:57.050 --> 00:01:58.651 - [buzzes]
52 00:01:58.651 --> 00:02:00.520 Aw.
53 00:02:00.520 --> 00:02:02.922 Ah!
54 00:02:02.922 --> 00:02:04.691 [hisses]
55 00:02:04.691 --> 00:02:05.992 - [buzzes]
56 00:02:05.992 --> 00:02:08.261 - [growls]
57 00:02:08.261 --> 00:02:10.630 - [snarls] - Ahh!
58 00:02:10.630 --> 00:02:12.198 ♪ ♪
59 00:02:12.198 --> 00:02:14.100 [laughs]
60 00:02:14.100 --> 00:02:16.336 - [dings]
61 00:02:16.336 --> 00:02:17.804 - [groans]
62 00:02:17.804 --> 00:02:19.372 Maybe a shorter cape.
63 00:02:19.372 --> 00:02:22.275 ♪ ♪
64 00:02:22.275 --> 00:02:25.612 This must be the entrance to their secret lair.
65 00:02:25.612 --> 00:02:28.548 A little dumpster dive, and I'm in.
66 00:02:28.548 --> 00:02:29.816 [groans]
67 00:02:29.816 --> 00:02:31.284 Ah.
68 00:02:31.284 --> 00:02:33.186 [straining]
69 00:02:33.186 --> 00:02:36.823 [groans] Where's the door?
70 00:02:36.823 --> 00:02:38.858 Ooh?
71 00:02:38.858 --> 00:02:40.426 ♪ ♪
72 00:02:40.426 --> 00:02:42.929 Wrong dumpster.
73 00:02:42.929 --> 00:02:45.732 [sighs] Of course.
74 00:02:45.732 --> 00:02:47.200 ♪ ♪
75 00:02:47.200 --> 00:02:49.402 Hello? [laughs]
76 00:02:49.402 --> 00:02:52.138 I'm here to join the forces of E.V.I.L.!
77 00:02:52.138 --> 00:02:56.943 ♪ ♪
78 00:02:56.943 --> 00:02:58.244 - Dude. - Huh, wha--
79 00:02:58.244 --> 00:03:00.713 - Sign in and wait your turn.
80 00:03:00.713 --> 00:03:02.215 - Red leather, yellow leather.
81 00:03:02.215 --> 00:03:04.317 Get out of the car, fellas!
82 00:03:04.317 --> 00:03:06.019 - Take all your money and put it in the bag!
83 00:03:06.019 --> 00:03:07.120 - No, Mr. Bob.
84 00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:09.122 I expect you to fry. [cackles]
85 00:03:09.122 --> 00:03:12.091 - When the full moon rises... - I am the Strangler!
86 00:03:12.091 --> 00:03:13.393 - [vocalizing] - [clears throat]
87 00:03:13.393 --> 00:03:16.329 I'm the Strangler. - [growling]
88 00:03:16.329 --> 00:03:18.565 - What is this yellow thing? - [babbling]
89 00:03:18.565 --> 00:03:20.033 - Some kind of mold?
90 00:03:20.033 --> 00:03:22.969 - To be or--line!
91 00:03:22.969 --> 00:03:25.905 - [growls, grunts] Ha.
92 00:03:25.905 --> 00:03:28.141 - [roars]
93 00:03:28.141 --> 00:03:32.145 - We've got quite an impressive rogues gallery up there, eh?
94 00:03:32.145 --> 00:03:35.949 Thank you for taking time out of your scandalous schedules
95 00:03:35.949 --> 00:03:37.984 to try out for E.V.I.L.
96 00:03:37.984 --> 00:03:39.385 As you all know,
97 00:03:39.385 --> 00:03:41.321 we can only pick one new villain
98 00:03:41.321 --> 00:03:42.855 to join Team E.V.I.L.,
99 00:03:42.855 --> 00:03:46.059 so let the judging begin!
100 00:03:46.059 --> 00:03:47.760 ♪ ♪
101 00:03:47.760 --> 00:03:51.130 Eeny, meeny, miney-- [grunts]
102 00:03:51.130 --> 00:03:53.099 Nosferatu!
103 00:03:53.099 --> 00:03:55.134 - [hissing]
104 00:03:55.134 --> 00:03:56.703 - No way, Man Ray!
105 00:03:56.703 --> 00:03:58.304 I was first!
106 00:03:58.304 --> 00:04:00.974 - First to go bye-bye. [cackles]
107 00:04:00.974 --> 00:04:04.377 - Huh? [screams]
108 00:04:04.377 --> 00:04:06.245 [all gasp] - Be gone!
109 00:04:06.245 --> 00:04:07.847 [blows]
110 00:04:07.847 --> 00:04:09.849 Nosferatu, proceed.
111 00:04:09.849 --> 00:04:10.817 [eerie music]
112 00:04:10.817 --> 00:04:13.920 - [grunts]
113 00:04:13.920 --> 00:04:16.889 [dramatic piano music]
114 00:04:16.889 --> 00:04:20.393 ♪ ♪
115 00:04:20.393 --> 00:04:21.995 - Mime?
116 00:04:21.995 --> 00:04:24.197 Mime is his evil power?
117 00:04:24.197 --> 00:04:27.233 - Ahh!
118 00:04:27.233 --> 00:04:29.836 - Robot Mantis!
119 00:04:29.836 --> 00:04:31.304 - [mumbles]
120 00:04:31.304 --> 00:04:32.839 [upbeat music]
121 00:04:32.839 --> 00:04:36.576 [babbling]
122 00:04:36.576 --> 00:04:38.111 [somber cello music]
123 00:04:38.111 --> 00:04:40.079 [babbling]
124 00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:41.748 [country violin music]
125 00:04:41.748 --> 00:04:43.182 [babbling]
126 00:04:43.182 --> 00:04:44.450 [mellow banjo music]
127 00:04:44.450 --> 00:04:46.185 [babbling]
128 00:04:46.185 --> 00:04:47.720 [upbeat kazoo music]
129 00:04:47.720 --> 00:04:49.355 [panting]
130 00:04:49.355 --> 00:04:50.590 Ta-da!
131 00:04:50.590 --> 00:04:52.425 - How dare you!
132 00:04:52.425 --> 00:04:54.861 We just had that piano tuned!
133 00:04:54.861 --> 00:04:57.997 - Ahh!
134 00:04:59.032 --> 00:05:02.902 - Eeny, meeny, miney-- [grunts]
135 00:05:02.902 --> 00:05:05.505 Sheldon J. Plankton?
136 00:05:05.505 --> 00:05:07.940 [dramatic kazoo music]
137 00:05:07.940 --> 00:05:12.578 - Thanks, ma'am, but, uh, music won't be necessary.
138 00:05:12.578 --> 00:05:14.480 [grunts] - Right.
139 00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:17.750 So what's your supervillain power, little guy?
140 00:05:17.750 --> 00:05:20.386 - Well, I'd venture to say
141 00:05:20.386 --> 00:05:24.490 it would be my massive, evil intellect.
142 00:05:24.490 --> 00:05:25.958 - Impressive.
143 00:05:25.958 --> 00:05:29.295 So where do you see yourself in the next five years?
144 00:05:29.295 --> 00:05:33.032 - Well, once I finally have the secret formula...
145 00:05:33.032 --> 00:05:34.200 [crowd screaming]
146 00:05:34.200 --> 00:05:36.536 The post-apocalyptic global empire
147 00:05:36.536 --> 00:05:40.106 of destruction that results will be mine,
148 00:05:40.106 --> 00:05:44.277 and I'll be sitting pretty on a pile of your bones!
149 00:05:44.277 --> 00:05:45.845 [cackles]
150 00:05:45.845 --> 00:05:47.847 - That sounds pretty villainous.
151 00:05:47.847 --> 00:05:50.783 Okay, you'll move on to the test phase.
152 00:05:50.783 --> 00:05:54.353 But first, you'll need a proper supervillain name.
153 00:05:54.353 --> 00:05:56.989 How about "Mr. Green Bean"?
154 00:05:56.989 --> 00:06:00.760 - Ooh, the "Itsy Bitsy Green Guy."
155 00:06:00.760 --> 00:06:02.295 - No, too long. [bell dings]
156 00:06:02.295 --> 00:06:04.764 How about "Captain Pipsqueak"?
157 00:06:04.764 --> 00:06:06.399 - Yeah! - I love it!
158 00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:08.134 [laughter] - That settles it.
159 00:06:08.134 --> 00:06:09.802 Captain Pipsqueak!
160 00:06:09.802 --> 00:06:12.405 all: Captain Pipsqueak!
161 00:06:12.405 --> 00:06:14.774 - We can tweak that later, right?
162 00:06:14.774 --> 00:06:16.175 [screams]
163 00:06:16.175 --> 00:06:19.679 - Okay, team, let's test Captain Pipsqueak's villainy
164 00:06:19.679 --> 00:06:21.414 in the real world.
165 00:06:21.414 --> 00:06:24.584 [dramatic music]
166 00:06:24.584 --> 00:06:27.353 Your first test is to get us lunch:
167 00:06:27.353 --> 00:06:31.624 a 25-pound bucket from Weenie Hut Jr.
168 00:06:31.624 --> 00:06:34.360 [cackles] - With Evil sauce.
169 00:06:34.360 --> 00:06:37.430 - Extra Evil sauce. [laughs]
170 00:06:37.430 --> 00:06:40.733 - Odd caper, but no problemo.
171 00:06:40.733 --> 00:06:42.168 [grunts]
172 00:06:42.168 --> 00:06:43.536 [bell dinging]
173 00:06:43.536 --> 00:06:46.539 I need a 25-pound Weenie bucket, please,
174 00:06:46.539 --> 00:06:48.741 and make it snappy!
175 00:06:48.741 --> 00:06:51.644 Oh, and extra Evil sauce.
176 00:06:51.644 --> 00:06:54.113 - Hey, I know that order.
177 00:06:54.113 --> 00:06:56.315 You're one of those E.V.I.L. guys.
178 00:06:56.315 --> 00:06:58.484 You're all banned!
179 00:06:58.484 --> 00:07:00.520 - Just give me my order,
180 00:07:00.520 --> 00:07:03.756 or you'll know the meaning of fear!
181 00:07:03.756 --> 00:07:05.825 - [whistles] Security!
182 00:07:05.825 --> 00:07:08.294 We got a small problem here.
183 00:07:08.294 --> 00:07:10.096 [light music]
184 00:07:10.096 --> 00:07:11.597 - Oh?
185 00:07:11.597 --> 00:07:13.166 Ahh! [grunting]
186 00:07:13.166 --> 00:07:14.934 [whimpering]
187 00:07:14.934 --> 00:07:16.702 [all grumbling] - So boring.
188 00:07:16.702 --> 00:07:18.504 - Short legs. We should've known better.
189 00:07:18.504 --> 00:07:19.872 - I'm starving here!
190 00:07:19.872 --> 00:07:21.841 What are the chances he gets our food?
191 00:07:21.841 --> 00:07:23.976 - Slim to none, I'm guessing.
192 00:07:23.976 --> 00:07:25.278 - Hello?
193 00:07:25.278 --> 00:07:26.445 [grunting]
194 00:07:26.445 --> 00:07:29.448 Could somebody help me with this?
195 00:07:29.448 --> 00:07:32.418 [all munching]
196 00:07:32.418 --> 00:07:36.589 Oh, and extra Evil sauce.
197 00:07:36.589 --> 00:07:37.757 - Wicked. - Awesome.
198 00:07:37.757 --> 00:07:41.160 - A Weenie toast to Captain Pipsqueak.
199 00:07:41.160 --> 00:07:42.929 all: Pip pip hooray!
200 00:07:42.929 --> 00:07:45.631 - [groaning]
201 00:07:45.631 --> 00:07:46.966 - Okay, Cap,
202 00:07:46.966 --> 00:07:49.602 take this bag of snail droppings
203 00:07:49.602 --> 00:07:51.904 and leave it on that doorstep over there.
204 00:07:51.904 --> 00:07:54.040 It's the house of the Foot.
205 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:58.177 He's a superhero do-gooder who deserves our worst.
206 00:07:58.177 --> 00:07:59.278 Go!
207 00:07:59.278 --> 00:08:02.315 - [giggling]
208 00:08:02.315 --> 00:08:04.550 ♪ ♪
209 00:08:04.550 --> 00:08:06.619 [screams]
210 00:08:06.619 --> 00:08:09.088 [whimpering]
211 00:08:09.088 --> 00:08:13.192 [laughter]
212 00:08:13.192 --> 00:08:15.361 Yes. [cackles]
213 00:08:15.361 --> 00:08:16.629 I added a little
214 00:08:16.629 --> 00:08:19.599 of my own special Chum Mix to the bag.
215 00:08:19.599 --> 00:08:22.768 - Captain Pipsqueak, welcome to E.V.I.L.,
216 00:08:22.768 --> 00:08:24.537 which stands for...
217 00:08:24.537 --> 00:08:27.306 "Every Villain Is Lemons."
218 00:08:27.306 --> 00:08:28.507 - Yeah! - Whoo!
219 00:08:28.507 --> 00:08:30.977 - So Captain Pipsqueak, what's next?
220 00:08:30.977 --> 00:08:32.111 [cackles]
221 00:08:32.111 --> 00:08:36.215 - Follow me to world domination!
222 00:08:36.215 --> 00:08:37.617 [cackles]
223 00:08:37.617 --> 00:08:41.420 ♪ ♪
224 00:08:41.420 --> 00:08:42.855 - Huh? - [laughs]
225 00:08:42.855 --> 00:08:45.024 - [gasps] Mr. Krabs!
226 00:08:45.024 --> 00:08:46.592 - What now, boy? - [groans]
227 00:08:46.592 --> 00:08:48.661 - Shiver me's lumbers!
228 00:08:48.661 --> 00:08:51.097 [upbeat jazzy music]
229 00:08:51.097 --> 00:08:53.799 - [cackling]
230 00:08:53.799 --> 00:08:56.068 - Yah! [laughs]
231 00:08:56.068 --> 00:08:58.738 - [cackling]
232 00:08:58.738 --> 00:09:00.072 - Heh, heh.
233 00:09:00.072 --> 00:09:01.173 [humming]
234 00:09:01.173 --> 00:09:02.708 [customers gasping]
235 00:09:02.708 --> 00:09:04.510 - [laughs]
236 00:09:04.510 --> 00:09:08.080 - You might as well give us the secret formula now, Krabs.
237 00:09:08.080 --> 00:09:11.550 I'm the new mastermind of E.V.I.L.
238 00:09:11.550 --> 00:09:12.919 - [laughs]
239 00:09:12.919 --> 00:09:15.655 What, you nerds going to a comic convention?
240 00:09:15.655 --> 00:09:18.257 - Ooh, that is a nice costume, Plankton.
241 00:09:18.257 --> 00:09:19.525 [laughs]
242 00:09:19.525 --> 00:09:22.628 - The name is Captain Pipsqueak to you.
243 00:09:22.628 --> 00:09:24.630 Get 'em! - [laughs]
244 00:09:24.630 --> 00:09:26.799 - Whoa, whoa! - [gasps]
245 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:28.367 [muffled] - Dirty Bubble?
246 00:09:28.367 --> 00:09:30.503 But I just did my laundry.
247 00:09:30.503 --> 00:09:31.671 - Thieves!
248 00:09:31.671 --> 00:09:33.306 Keep yer filthy, rotten mitts
249 00:09:33.306 --> 00:09:35.374 offa me formular.
250 00:09:35.374 --> 00:09:37.043 - [laughs]
251 00:09:37.043 --> 00:09:39.779 [grunting]
252 00:09:39.779 --> 00:09:41.981 - [laughs] Yes.
253 00:09:41.981 --> 00:09:43.416 Yes!
254 00:09:43.416 --> 00:09:46.185 - [cackles]
255 00:09:46.185 --> 00:09:47.520 Huh?
256 00:09:47.520 --> 00:09:50.556 This isn't the formula for world domination.
257 00:09:50.556 --> 00:09:52.959 It's a recipe for a sandwich!
258 00:09:52.959 --> 00:09:54.794 How does that work?
259 00:09:54.794 --> 00:09:59.598 - Uh, well, with that, I can put this guy...
260 00:09:59.598 --> 00:10:01.200 - [growls] - Outta business.
261 00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:03.169 - Mmm, why would we ever wanna do that?
262 00:10:03.169 --> 00:10:05.304 These Krabby Patties taste great!
263 00:10:05.304 --> 00:10:06.872 - Yeah, mmm.
264 00:10:06.872 --> 00:10:08.641 - [spits] - Mmm.
265 00:10:08.641 --> 00:10:10.409 - [chewing] - Mmm.
266 00:10:10.409 --> 00:10:13.212 - Mmm. - Mmm.
267 00:10:13.212 --> 00:10:15.648 - Here you go, boss. Sorry about that.
268 00:10:15.648 --> 00:10:17.149 Keep up the good work.
269 00:10:17.149 --> 00:10:19.719 I can't believe this lousy pipsqueak...
270 00:10:19.719 --> 00:10:21.687 - Huh? - Wasted our time!
271 00:10:21.687 --> 00:10:24.523 - Some criminal genius he is. - Right?
272 00:10:24.523 --> 00:10:28.027 "Massive evil intellect," my eye.
273 00:10:28.027 --> 00:10:30.563 - Nyah! - Holy habanero!
274 00:10:30.563 --> 00:10:32.498 - Is Plankton forever doomed
275 00:10:32.498 --> 00:10:34.600 to be bound by a bottle?
276 00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:36.502 - Ahh! - Grounded in glass?
277 00:10:36.502 --> 00:10:37.770 No! - Ahh, ahh!
278 00:10:37.770 --> 00:10:40.506 - Enveloped by extra Evil sauce!
279 00:10:40.506 --> 00:10:42.775 [laughter]
280 00:10:42.775 --> 00:10:46.312 - No outside condiments!
281 00:10:46.312 --> 00:10:47.413 - [groans]
282 00:10:47.413 --> 00:10:48.647 [upbeat music]
283 00:10:48.647 --> 00:10:51.350 Well, this stinks.