A Fool Schooled/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "A Fool Schooled/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[Patrick drops in do his desk]
Patrick: Welcome back to "The Patrick Show." Next up, we have a little segment called You Can't Do That. [Throws his desk to reveal he was on a diving board, the desk lands on the lawnies] Today, I'll be jumping from this diving board into that pitcher of water below.
Lawnies: [Gasp] You can't do that!
Patrick: I'm gonna do it.
Squidina: Patrick, stop. We never rehearsed this. There are protocols. You can't do that!
Lawnies: You can't do that!
Squidina: We don't have the right insurance. The pitcher is too small.
Patrick: Everything looks smaller from up here. It's fine
Squidina: I'm gonna cancel this segment!
Lawnies: You can't do that!
Squidina: Oh, yes, I can.
[Patrick jumps of the diving board] Yeah. [Squdina screams] Whee! [The lawnies gasp. Patrick gots into the pitcher]
Squdina: Huh?
Slappy: I guess he can do that.
[The Lawnies cheer]
Squidina: Please don't encourage this. [Patrick gets up] All right. Our next segment is safer. Viewer Mail [Squidina appears out of a mailbox. The lawnies cheer]
Slappy: Viewer Mail!
Squidina: And we only got one letter. [Chuckles neverously] So let's hop it's good. It's from the Bikini Bottom Bureau of Education.
Lawnies: Ooh.
Squdina: "Dear Patrick Star, this is to inform you that you never passed behavioral skills in kindergarten. We suggest you complete your education right away and debit from any current professional activity such as surgery, emergency rescue, and TV hosting." TV hosting?
Lawnies: They can't do that!
Squidina: It says here they can. "Since you're older than the average kindergartner, we recommend that you be homeschooled."
Lawnies: Oooh
[Patrick gets out of the pitcher]
Patrick: Doo! [He pours his head back into the body] What's homeschooled?
Squidina: Folks don't touch that dial. We'll be right back after Patrick passes behavioral skills classes. Please stand by [Pulls down a please stand by logo. Cecil rings a bell].
Patrick: Wha?
Cecil: Good morning, young student. Class is now in session. Have a seat. Wait! We almost forgot to say the pledge! [Pulls up a sock as a fan as the fan blows] Please join me in the Pledge of Aggrievance. I pledges aggrieving to the gag and to the lopsided plate of "Hysterica", and to the cowlick, which i can't stand. once shaven...
Patrick: Shave!
Cecil: Extra odd.
Patrick: Log!
Cecil: With publicity and injustice for all. [Live action fireworks play]. Please be seated. [Patrick sits] Eh, no in your chair. [Patrick sits backwards in his chair] Not like that. [Patrick sits in his chair upside down] Nope. [Patrick sits the with his mouth on the chair] Nuh-uh. [Patrick stand on the chair] Try again. [Patrick sits normal in his chair] There we go. So w'er there to learn good behavior skills. Let's see what you already know. What do we do when we have to sneeze
Patrick: We take a tissue, we sneeze... [He sneezes and gets germs on Cecil] And then we wipe. [Patrick wipes Cecil's face with a tissue]
Cecil: Uh, Okay, We'll circle back back to that one. [Germ transition to Patrick and Cecil in the bathroom]. How do you use one of these?
Patrick: Oh, I know this one. [He eats a bar of soap and drinks a cup of water then his face turns green as he burps it out into Cecil's eyes.] I don't get it. It works when SpongeBob does it.
The nose notes from SpongeBob SquarePants Theme Song plays
Cecil: All right then,. Next, show me how you brush your teeth.
Patrick: You got it. [He pulls out loose teeth]. Brush-a, brush-a, brush-a. I brush my teeth every night. [He eats the teeth and smiles show some of his teeth like a lightbulb, toy solider, cork, dice and screw.]
Cecil: Oh boy.
[Graduation cap transition to Bunny ringing the bell and gives Patrick a tray]
Patrick: Huh?
Bunny: Our next lesson is lunchroom etiquette.
Patrick: Lunch?
Bunny: Granny Tentacles was nice enough to volunteer.
Granny Tentacles: For 20 Bucks!
Patrick: I'll take everything!
Cecil: Uh, uh, uh. You forgot the magic words.
Patrick: [Gasps] Oh, yeah. with cheese.
Granny Tenteacles: Ah, close enough
[Granny Tentacles gaves Patrick a tray of lunch and eats with his hands]
Bunny: Ahem. Don't forget your utensils.
Patrick: Yes, mum. [Burps and continues eating like a vaccum and gaggles..]
Bunny: Eat with your mouth, closed, dear.
Patrick: Um, okay.Hm. [He tries to eat with a folk and puts his food in his ear.]
Bunny : And what do we do with the try and silverware when we're done? [Patrick eats the tray into his mouth] Oh, dear.
[Graduaction cap transition to Grandpat ringing the bell and Patrick bounces in.]
Grandpat: On your feet, worm! This is social etiquette training! I will teach you how to speak to adults! And you will dress me as "Sir", got it?
Patrick: Aye, aye Sir got it.
Grandpat: Now enter the room again, but this time, knock!
[Patrick opens the door]
Patrick: Wait, Sir got it! How many times do I knock?
Grandpat: [Weakly] Twice.
Patrick: Okay. [Plays with Grandpa's tougne] One, two.
Grandpat: [grunts] Now, what is the apporiate way to greet an elder?
Patrick: Um... What's shaking, old timer?
[Patrick slaps Grandpat's back so hard, his hat, eyes and teeth come out and gets the back in]
Grandpat: Wrong! Now show me how you give someone a compliment. [His eyes come off]]
Patrick: I can't believe you're not dead.
Grandpat: Final lesson! What do you say before I slam the door in your face so I can get me some shut-eye?
Patrick: Uh... {Grandpat shuts the door. Patrick burst through the door.} Oh I get it! [Opens the door] Rest in peace. [Places flower on Grandpat, Graduation cap transition to the incidentals in a playground]
Squidina: Okay, Patrick the lawnies have agreed to join you in your final class, recess skills. Remember, it's important to play nice with others. Okay, ready? Go!
Incidnetal 174: [Playing hopscotch] One, two...
Patrick: [Pushes Incidental 174 and laughs] I win! [spins the merry-go-round and Nat and Incindetal 93 flies off] I win. [A ball comes towards him]
Incidental 186: Oh, Hey Patrick. A little help? Over here. Kick it back.
[Patrick kicks a ball and laughs. Incidental 186 goes out into space and crashes into a satellite and falls back to earth with an explosion. He comes back with satellite parts on his arms.]
Patrick: Anyone else wants to play? {The incidentals mutter and scream as they run} You're it! [Throws ball to Nat and his butt goes backward] You're it. [Throws the ball to Incidental 93 and her teeth fly out and ended into Incidental 163's mouth. Patrick laughs and throws the ball to Tina, Incidnetals 3 and 179 and turned into bowling pins] You're it! [Throws the ball to the screen and it breaks. Laughs]
Squdina: Okay, let's see here. [Sees the incidentals in pain with flaming stuff. Patrick comes up with Incidental 30a as a scarf]
Patrick: It is I, Patrick, ravager of playtime, conqueror of recess!]
Incidental 30a: Meep!
Squidina: Patrick, how can anyone fail recess?
Patrick: Ugh. So I got one F. What about the rest of my grades?
Squidina: Well, the F was actually your highest grade. The rest were z's. You're basically a wild animal. [Patrick literally does the drawing pose by biting his arm. We cut to the Star family driving through the kelp forest]
Patrick: Hey, where are we going?
Cecil: D-d-don't worry, son. we're almost there.
Squidina: Don't worry Patrick. We just can't keep you. You're not domesticated.
[Patrick sniffs like a dog and gets into the mud]
Bunny: This is your natural habitat. You'll be free here. You'll love it.
Cecil: I'm sorry, son. Y-you're just not fit to live among us civilized folk
[Patrick whimpers]
Squidina: Just go!
[Squdina throws a rock to Patrick's head]
Patrick: Okay! [Laughs wildly away. Squidina whimpers as the car drives away leaving Patrick alone as eyes come out. We fade to black back to the Star house and we see Patrick someone came back opening the car door]
Cecil: Huh-- What the? [We see Patrick wearing fancy clothes] Patrick? But how do you-- [Patrick dances with Cecil and wipes his head. Patrick rolls the red carpet in front of the door.] Why, thank you
Bunny: What a gentleman and handsome too. [Squidina, Cecil and Bunny exclaim as they saw the house clean. Bunny gasps] You cleaned the whole house!
Cecil: Well, in light of these recent developments, a new grade in order... if you can pass the final test. [Patrick digs in the litterbox and grabs a toliet] He's housebroken. [Patrick grabs the bathroom doors] A-plus.
[The toilet flushes and Patrick comes out of the door]
Squdina: Oh, congratulations, big brother. Now we can do your show again!
Bunny: But how did you learn to behave so quickly?
[We see 3 creatures]
Orange creature: Oh, do you think he'll be all right? He was pretty wild when we got him
Green creature: We taught him well. He needs to be with his own kind now.
[The creatures left].
Cecil: Time for bed. Good night everyone
Star Family: Good night.
[Patrick climbs to the top of the house and howls at the moon.]
Woman: Aw, shut up!
[A shoe was thrown at him]