A Fool Schooled/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "A Fool Schooled/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[Patrick bounces and drops onto his desk.]
Patrick: Welcome back to The Patrick Show. Next up, we have a little segment called [points] "You Can't Do That." [throws his desk to reveal he was on a diving board, the desk lands on the lawnies] Today, I'll be jumping from this diving board into that pitcher of water below.
Lawnies: [push away the desk underneath them, gasp] You can't do that!
Patrick: I'm gonna do it.
Squidina: Patrick, stop. [points to her clipboard] We never rehearsed this. There are protocols. You can't do that!
Lawnies: You can't do that!
Squidina: We don't have the right insurance. [tosses clipboard, making a man yell] The pitcher is too small!
Patrick: [looking with a spyglass the wrong way] Everything looks smaller from up here. It's fine. [retracts spyglass and tosses it]
Squidina: I'm gonna cancel this segment!
Lawnies: You can't do that!
Squidina: Oh, yes, I can.
[Patrick jumps off the diving board] Yeah!
Squidina: [screams]
Patrick: Whee!
Lawnies: [lawnies gasp; Patrick lands headfirst into the pitcher]
Squidina: Huh?
Slappy: I guess he can do that.
Lawnies: [cheering]
Squidina: Please don't encourage this. [Patrick gets up and gets dizzy] All right. Our next segment is safer. [pulls down an image of a mailbox and mountains of mail] Viewer Mail! [pops out of the mailbox]
Lawnies: [cheering]
Slappy: Viewer Mail!
Squidina: And we only got one letter. [holds letter, chuckles nervously] So let's hope it's good. [Patrick strains to get the pitcher off of his head; opens a letter] It's from the Bikini Bottom Bureau of Education.
Lawnies: Ohh?
Squidina: "Dear Patrick Star, this is to inform you that you never passed behavioral skills in kindergarten"? "We suggest you complete your education right away and debit from any current professional activity such as surgery, emergency rescue, and TV hosting." [rips letter in half] TV hosting?
Lawnies: They can't do that!
Squidina: [reading half of letter] It says here they can. [holds up both halves with her hands] "Since you're older than the average kindergartner, we recommend that you be homeschooled"?
Lawnies: Ooh?
[Patrick gets out of the pitcher]
Patrick: [pulls his head off of his body with the pitcher] Doo! [pours his head back into the body] What's homeschooled?
Squidina: Folks, don't touch that dial. We'll be right back after Patrick passes behavioral skills classes. Please stand by. [pulls down a please stand by logo.]
Cecil: [rings a bell]
Patrick: [walks into the "classroom" wearing a student outfit] Wha?
Cecil: Good morning, young student. Class is now in session. Have a seat. [stops Patrick right before he tries to get into his seat] Wait! We almost forgot to say the pledge! [pulls up a sock as a fan blows, then gets on the desk standing upside-down] Please join me in the Pledge of Aggrievance.
Patrick: [salutes]
Cecil: I pledge aggrievance to the gag and to the lopsided plate of "Hysterica," and to the cowlick, which I can't stand. Once shaven...
Patrick: Shave!
Cecil: Extra odd.
Patrick: Log!
Cecil: With publicity and injustice for all. [live action fireworks play, sits in his seat upright] Please be seated. [Patrick sits] Eh, no, in your chair. [Patrick sits backwards in his chair] Not like that. [Patrick sits in his chair upside down] Nope. [Patrick sits the with his mouth on the chair] Nuh-uh. [Patrick stand on the chair] Try again. [Patrick sits normally in his chair] There we go. So we're here to learn good behavior skills. [pats Patrick's face] Let's see what you already know. What do we do when we have to sneeze? [holds up a tissue box]
Patrick: We take a tissue, [takes a tissue] we sneeze... [he sneezes and gets the snot all over Cecil] And then we wipe. [Patrick wipes Cecil's face with a tissue]
Cecil: Uh, Okay. We'll circle back to that one.
[Germ transition to Patrick and Cecil in the bathroom.]
Cecil: How do you use one of these? [holds up a bar of soap]
Patrick: Oh, I know this one! [eats the bar of soap and drinks a cup of water, then his face turns green as he burps it out, and it bounces along the wall and into Cecil's eyes] I don't get it. It works when SpongeBob does it.
[The ending flute from the SpongeBob SquarePants Theme Song plays.]
Cecil: [takes the soap off of his face and holds a toothbrush and toothpaste] All right then. [puts toothpaste on the toothbrush] Next, show me how you brush your teeth.
Patrick: [takes the toothbrush] You got it! [he pulls out loose teeth and brushes them] Brush-a, brush-a, brush-a. I brush my teeth every night. [eats the teeth and smiles to how some of his rotten teeth, which include a lightbulb, toy solider, cork, dice and a screw] See?
Cecil: [writes on clipboard] Oh, boy.
[Graduation cap transition to Bunny ringing the bell, who gives Patrick a tray.]
Patrick: Huh?
Bunny: Our next lesson is lunchroom etiquette.
Patrick: Lunch? [excitedly runs with his tray to Granny Tentacles in front of a table]
Bunny: Granny Tentacles was nice enough to volunteer.
Granny Tentacles: [holds up her hand] For 20 Bucks! [Patrick gives her a dollar bill] Hmm. [sniffs the dollar and puts it under her shirt] All right, big boy, what'll it be?
Patrick: I'll take everything!
Bunny: Uh, uh, uh. You forgot the magic words.
Patrick: [gasps] Oh, yeah. With cheese?
Granny Tentacles: Ah, close enough.
[Granny Tentacles gives Patrick all of the food.]
Patrick: [laughs as he sits at a table and eats the food with his hands]
Bunny: Ahem. Don't forget your utensils.
Patrick: Yes, ma. [holds up utensils, burps and continues eating like a vacuum and gags, then eats with his mouth open]
Bunny: Eat with your mouth closed, dear.
Patrick: Um, okay. [closes his mouth] Hm. [tries to eat with a fork and puts his food in his ear to eat]
Bunny: And what do we do with the tray and silverware when we're done? [Patrick eats the tray into his mouth; writes on a clipboard] Oh, dear.
[Graduation cap transition to GrandPat ringing a bell, and Patrick bounces in.]
GrandPat: On your feet, worm! This is [uses whip near Patrick] social etiquette training! [Patrick salutes] I will teach you how to speak to adults! And you will dress me as [pokes Patrick] "sir," got it?
Patrick: [salutes] Aye, aye, Sir Got It.
GrandPat: Now enter the room again, but this time, knock! [Patrick gets behind the door; shuts the door]
[Patrick opens the door, crushing GrandPat.]
Patrick: Wait, Sir Got It! How many times do I knock?
GrandPat: [weakly] Twice.
Patrick: Okay. [uses GrandPat's tongue to knock on the door] One, two.
GrandPat: [breaks free, grunts and gets in front of Patrick] Now, what is the appropriate way to greet an elder?
Patrick: Um... [grabs GrandPat and shakes him] What's shaking, old timer?
[Patrick slaps GrandPat's back so hard, his hat, eyes, and teeth come out]
GrandPat: [eats his body parts to go back to normal] Wrong! Now, show me how you give someone a compliment! [his eyes fall off]]
Patrick: I can't believe you're not dead.
GrandPat: [pushes Patrick to the door] Final lesson! What do you say before I slam the door in your face so I can get me some shut-eye?
Patrick: Uh... [GrandPat slams the door shut and begins writing on a clipboard; bursts through the door.] Oh, I got it! [opens the door] Rest in peace. [places flower on GrandPat]
[Graduation cap transition to people playing in the Star family's lawn.]
Squidina: Okay, Patrick, the Lawnies have agreed to join you in your final class, recess skills. [Patrick, excited, holds out her extended arm in front of the door] Remember, it's important to play nice with others. Okay, ready? Go!
Patrick: [laughs and zooms off]
Woman: [playing hopscotch] One, two...
Patrick: [pushes the woman away with her belly and laughs] I win! [laughs, spins the merry-go-round and Nat and an old lady fly off] I win. [a ball comes to him]
Incidental 186: Oh, Hey Patrick. A little help? [Patrick looks at the ball] Over here. Kick it back.
[Patrick kicks the ball straight into Incidental 186, sending him into space, and laughs. Incidental 186 goes out into space and crashes into a satellite and falls back to earth with an explosion. He comes back with satellite parts on his arms, and falls over.]
Patrick: Anyone else wants to play? [everyone else mutters and scream as they run] You're it! [throws ball to Nat and his butt moves to his front] You're it! [throws the ball to the old lady and her teeth fly out and ended in a kid's mouth; laughs and throws the ball to Tina and two other fish as they get knocked over like bowling pins] You're it! [throws the ball to the screen and it breaks, then laughs]
Squidina: Okay, let's see here. [sees the Lawnies in pain with trees around them on fire]
Patrick: [comes up with an anchovy as a scarf] It is I, Patrick, ravager of playtime, conqueror of recess!]
Anchovy: Meep.
Squidina: Patrick, how can anyone fail recess?
Patrick: Ugh. So I got one F. What about the rest of my grades?
Squidina: Well, the F was actually your highest grade. [shows the grades on her clipboard] The rest were Z's. [pan down to show a drawn wild sea monkey eating an arm] You're basically a wild animal. [Patrick literally does the drawing pose by biting his arm]
[Bunny, Cecil, and GrandPat shake their heads.]
Squidina: [hangs her head and sighs]
[Fade to the Star family driving through the kelp forest at night.]
Patrick: Hey, where are we going?
Cecil: D-D-D-Don't worry, son. We're almost there.
Squidina: Sorry, Patrick. We just can't keep you. You're not domesticated.
Patrick: [sniffs like a dog and gets into the mud]
Bunny: This is your natural habitat. You'll be free here. [Patrick uses his tongue to clean his face like an animal] You'll love it.
Cecil: [all three crying] I'm sorry, son. Y-You're just not fit to live among us civilized folk.
Patrick: [whimpers like a dog]
Squidina: Just go! [throws a rock onto Patrick's head]
Patrick: Okay! [laughs wildly away]
[Squidina whimpers as the car drives away, leaving Patrick alone as eyes pop out from the trees.]
Patrick: Hm?
[Cut to black, then back to the Star house, and Patrick is seen returning home to open the car door.]
Cecil: Huh-- [Patrick holds out his hand] What the? [Patrick is seen wearing fancy clothes] Patrick? But, how did you-- [Patrick grabs Cecil, dances with him, and wipes his head; rolls red carpet from his mouth in front of the door]
Bunny: [as the Star family walks inside] Wow, thank you. What a gentleman, [tugs on Patrick's cheek] and handsome too.
Squidina, Cecil, and Bunny: Oh [they see the house is clean]
Bunny: [gasps] You cleaned the whole house!
Cecil: Well, in light of these recent developments, [holds up his clipboard] a new grade in order... if you can pass the final test. [Patrick digs in the litterbox and grabs a toilet] He's housebroken. [Patrick grabs a bathroom stall door and flushes] A-plus.
[Patrick comes out of the door.]
Squidina: [hugs Patrick] Oh, congratulations, big brother. Now we can do your show again!
Bunny: But how did you learn to behave so quickly?
[Three sea werewolves outside are seen.]
Mother werewolf: Oh, do you think he'll be all right? He was pretty wild when we got him.
Father werewolf: We taught him well. He needs to be with his own kind now.
[The werewolves leave.]
Cecil: Time for bed. Good night, everyone.
Star family: Good night. [the lights inside the house turn off]
[Patrick climbs to the top of the house naked and howls at the moon.]
Granny Tentacles: Aw, shut up! [throws a shoe at Patrick to knock him over]