Bubble Bass Reviews/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Bubble Bass Reviews/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins with Patrick popping up from below the camera to begin his show.]
Patrick: Hello everyone, and welcome to my show! Today's episode is...
[The camera moves to the right to show a collection of hazardous items.]
Patrick: ..."Try This at Home!" So kids, get ready-
[A big red logo with the word "Wrong" is stamped on screen.]
Bubble Bass: Wrong!
[A zoom out shows Bubble Bass in a Nostalgia Critic-styled outfit.]
Bubble Bass: More like "Don't try this anywhere." I mean, how's that dynamite even staying in the toaster? Is it anti-gravity dynamite or-
Mama Bass: [opens the door] Bubble Bass! I'm doing a load, so send up your dirties!
Bubble Bass: [deflates in embarrassment and walks to the stairs] Mother, I am busy making art!
Mama Bass: Well, I'm busy doing laundry, so put your stinky little costume in the basket!
Bubble Bass: It is a uniform, and you know it!
[Bubble Bass is hit by the laundry basket and falls to the ground. The scene glitches to his show's intro, consisting of sliding videos of himself and the logo.]
Bubble Bass: I hate it! It's trash. Ugh! "The Bubble Bass Reviews Show."
[The scene cuts to Bubble Bass' computer, showing a drawing of him with the text "Bubble Bass REVEIWS Show!" and "Episode #674" on the slide.]
Bubble Bass: Welcome to "The Bubble Bass Reviews Show," episode 674. [scrolls to the next slide showing an edited version of the Patrick Star Show logo] Today's review, The Patrick Show...
[The scene glitches to Bubble Bass getting into his seat with the laundry basket still stuck in his head.]
Bubble Bass: ...with me, your host. [pulls the basket off] Bubble Bass. [shakes off the imprints left by the basket] Now, let us begin as we always do with our first segment...
[The scene cuts back to the slides with Bubble Bass sighing and the text "YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN REAL LIFE" in it.]
Bubble Bass: ..."You Can't Do That in Real Life." Oh, uh, let me move my mouse out of the way and-
[Bubble Bass tries to move his cursor off-screen, but ends up moving the slide and revealing his Kitten Princess background.]
Bubble Bass: Huh?! Wait, uh, you're not supposed to see this!
[Bubble Bass covers the camera and the scene glitches to footage of Patrick and Squidina at a campfire in the woods.]
Bubble Bass: The right clip, this time. Just watch. [clicks the video to make it play]
Patrick: Today's been really nice.
Squidina: Yeah.
Bubble Bass: [circles his cursor around the campfire] Look at this! Fire? Underwater? [brings back his slide and enlarges it] You can't do that in real life!
[The camera moves from showing the computer to showing Bubble Bass' face up close.]
Bubble Bass: [cackles] I hope someone gets fired for this! [cackles]
[The scene cuts away from Bubble Bass's face. His glasses are all fogged up.]
Mama Bass: Bubble Bass! Pizza bagels are ready!
Bubble Bass: [rubs his glasses clean] Pizza bagels! Oh boy!
[The scene cuts to Bubble Bass, his head being off-camera, with a plate of pizza bagels next to him.]
Mama Bass: A special treat for a special boy.
Bubble Bass: Thank you, mother. Oh joy, I...Is that on?
[Bubble Bass covers the camera and the scene glitches to Bubble Bass outside in a robe with a sword.]
Bubble Bass: Excelsior!
[The scene glitches back to Bubble Bass with a photo showing two Patricks with different front teeth.]
Bubble Bass: Patrick's tooth shaped mystery shall never be solved! Which brings us to our next segment.
[The picture on-screen changes to one of Patrick in a clown costume with the words "You Goof'd" next to him.]
Bubble Bass: "You Goof'd!"
[The scene transitions to Bubble Bass' TV. He walks up to it with a VHS labeled "Pat 054."]
Bubble Bass: Today's goof is from episode 054.
[The TV turns on and footage of Patrick playing baseball plays.]
Patrick: Welp, here goes nothing!
[Patrick throws the baseball to the right. It ends up in GrandPat's mouth coming in from the left. Bubble Bass pauses the clip and points.]
Bubble Bass: There! The baseball clearly enters frame right to left...
[The scene transitions to Bubble Bass still pointing at the TV while randomly in a Christmas-themed room with a Christmas hat.]
Bubble Bass: ...whereas, previously, it was traveling left to right. The shots don't hook up! My immersion is ruined. You had one job, and you goof'd!
[Artwork of Bubble Bass flailing his arms with several icons and the text "You Goofed" jumps onto the screen. The scene glitches out to Bubble Bass with a wig and cat paws dancing to K-Pop.]
Bubble Bass: Nya, nya, kitten princess!
[The scene glitches out to Bubble Bass holding a seahorse figurine.]
Bubble Bass: Limited edition "My Tiny Seahorse."
[The scene glitches back to Bubble Bass in his chair.]
Bubble Bass: And now...[pulls out a can of cheese, gulps it down and burps hard]...Bubble Bass Reviews is brought to you by canned nacho cheese.
[Bubble Bass' mother comes downstairs and moves the camera towards her.]
Mama Bass: No, no, no, no, no. It's time for a word from your mama!
Bubble Bass: [shocked] Mother!?
Mama Bass: Nuh-uh. I pay the bill for the worldwide internets, and I can interrupt your sad little show anytime I want.
Bubble Bass: But, Ma!
Mama Bass: Shush you. Listen up, home viewers. My son needs help. He's pathetic. He needs a job. Maybe one of youse knows someone who's hiring. Full disclosure, he is not good at anything. Maybe he can work in animation.
Bubble Bass: Ma! [slams his fist on the desk] Only losers work in animation!
Mama Bass: Ugh, look at this. [pulls out Bubble Bass' underwear] There's skid marks on all his underwear. [pulls up Bubble Bass' action figures] Oh, and he buys multiples of the same superhero dolls. [drops the figures]
Bubble Bass: [grabs them from the floor] Hey, those are mint on card!
Mama Bass: Home viewers, hear a mother's plea! Please, somebody, pretend to be his friend. Take him outdoors! [pushes the camera towards the window] He hasn't been exposed to natural light in 12 weeks!
[Mama Bass pulls away the curtains, letting the light come out. Bubble Bass hisses and jumps from his seat in response.]
Mama Bass: [runs back upstairs] It is a gosh darn tragedy, I am telling you!
Bubble Bass: Uh, anyway, moving right along. [presses a button on his mouse to make another clip pop up] Let us take a look at another clip from episode 227F of The Patrick Show.
[In the clip, Patrick stands perfectly still, until his pants fall from his waist.]
Patrick: Oh no! My pants fell down! [wobbles around] Whoa! Whoa! Oh, somebody help me! [falls to the ground]
Bubble Bass: Every episode of this show should be tossed in a dumpster and set on fire! The Patrick Show is a crime against humanity, and- and- and everyone involved with it should be thrown in jail! Patrick for starring in it, Squidina for producing it, and the lawnies for watching it!
Patrick: [farts]
Bubble Bass: I'm just glad my audience isn't that pathetic. [faces his "audience" of action figures] Right, fellas? [picks up one of them and pretends it is speaking] Bubble Bass Reviews is the greatest show ever! [cackles] I couldn't agree more.
Mama Bass: [enters the room] Bubble Bass?
Bubble Bass: [winces]
Mama Bass: You had better not be talking to your dolls again! [exits the room and slams the door]
Bubble Bass: [laughs nervously] Anywho, let's get back to business. [clears his throat] The Patrick Show is the worst show on television!
[The scene zooms out to show Squidina's laptop. Patrick and Squidina are watching Bubble Bass' rant.]
Bubble Bass: Patrick Star and Squidina are the enemies of the state. Oh, they make me so angry! [babbles]
[Patrick closes the laptop]
Squidina: Huh, I guess Bubble Bass isn't exactly a fan of the show.
Patrick: Well, maybe we ought to go have a little talk with him.
[The room turns dark. Thunder is heard as a thunderstorm starts.]
Patrick: Oh, and we better bring an umbrella since it just started raining.
[Patrick pulls out an umbrella and he and Squidina leave the house.]
Squidina: Good call.
Patrick: Call who?
[The scene glitches to Bubble Bass throwing a basketball. It fails to go into the hoop.]
Bubble Bass: [exhausted] Touchdown. [pants]
[The scene glitches to Bubble Bass sitting next to his TV with a remote.]
Bubble Bass: Need another reason not to watch The Patrick Show?
[The scene glitches closer to the TV. Patrick is raising his hand in the footage.]
Bubble Bass: Look at this! Patrick's got a regular sea star hand!
[The TV transitions to Patrick giving a thumbs-up to Cecil.]
Bubble Bass: Three scenes later, he's got thumbs!
[The scene glitches to Bubble holding his camera still.]
Bubble Bass: Ugh, it's so enraging! [picks up a box of donuts] It makes me want to hate-eat an entire box of powdered donuts! [scarfs down the donuts]
[Outside the house, a thunder strike occurs as Patrick and Squidina walk to the door.]
Bubble Bass: [finishes the box and throws it out] One box wasn't enough! I'm still angry! [picks up two more boxes of donuts] I need more hate donuts!
Mama Bass: [enters the room] Bubble Bass! Your friends are here to see you.
Bubble Bass: [confused] Friends? But I don't have any.
Mama Bass: Said their names are Patrick and Squidina.
Bubble Bass: [shocked] Hm? Patrick and Squidina? Okay, show's over!
[Bubble Bass turns off his camera and runs up the stairs.]
Bubble Bass: Tell them I'm not home!
[Bubble Bass shuts the door and boards it up. He turns off the lights and walks back to his couch exhausted. A thunder strike occurs and Bubble Bass jumps when he sees Patrick and Squidina banging his windows.]
Patrick: Bubble Bass...
Squidina: Bubble Bass...
[Patrick opens the window, letting the water in, which soaks Bubble Bass' action figures.]
Bubble Bass: [screams] My mint condition action figures!
[Squidina opens the other window, causing the water to enter there too and soak the box of comics.]
Bubble Bass: [screams] My comic books!
[The water from outside reaches Bubble Bass' video game console.]
Bubble Bass: Ooh, my retro gaming console!
[Patrick and Squidina jump inside. Bubble Bass screams as they get closer to his couch.]
Patrick: We've been watching your show, Bubble Bass.
Squidina: Yeah. We heard everything you said about us.
Bubble Bass: [screams and runs up to the door] Mother! [bangs on the doors to no avail] Mother!
[Bubble Bass looks out the window to see Mama Bass is busy cutting carrots.]
Patrick: Bubble Bass.
[Bubble Bass turns around and sees Patrick and Squidina walking up the stairs as another thunder strike is heard.]
Patrick: We watched every episode.
[Bubble Bass screams again and tries to pull out the wood blocking the door. He turns around as he sees that Patrick and Squidina have him cornered.]
Bubble Bass: [crying] I'm sorry!
[The thunder outside reveals Patrick and Squidina's disgruntled faces.]
Bubble Bass: I'm sorry, I'm so, so, so, so sorry! I'm sorry for everything!
Patrick: [gets really close to Bubble Bass' face] Thank you.
Squidina: Your hours of constructive criticism of The Patrick Show have been enlightening.
Bubble Bass: [bewildered] Huh?
Patrick: Your show changed our lives! It showed us all the things The Patrick Show was doing wrong so we can fix them!
Squidina: We were so inspired, we decided to return the favor!
Patrick: We made our own review show to review your review show!
[Patrick and Squidina pull out a laptop with the review's logo, "Review Review," on it. Bubble Bass chatters his teeth.]
Patrick & Squidina: It's time for...
[The scene zooms in onto the laptop.]
Patrick & Squidina: "Review Review"!
[The scene cuts to Patrick and Squidina in a desk.]
Squidina: The show where we review Bubble Bass Reviews. Patrick, take it away.
Patrick: Normally when you stain your clothes, you feel embarrassed, but that's what we love about Bubble Bass! No shame. Let's take a look some of Bubble Bass' most memorable stains!
[A montage begins of Bubble Bass talking while various stains are on his body. The first one is of grape juice]
Patrick: Episode 26, grape juice!
[The second clip has Bubble Bass with an oatmeal stain.]
Patrick: Episode 32, oatmeal!
[The third clip has Bubble Bass with a ketchup stain.]
Patrick: Episode 41, ketchup!
[The last clip has Bubble Bass with a chocolate syrup stain.]
Patrick: And episode 48, chocolate syrup.
Patrick: There are 527 more stain examples, but we just don't have the time! Squidina.
Squidina: Bubble Bass throws a lot of tantrums. So we made a supercut of the loudest ones!
[Another montage of various clips of Bubble Bass screaming, one of which at his mother, plays.]
Squidina: It's super entertaining. Patrick.
Patrick: Bubble Bass works really hard. You can tell because of all that sweat that comes off him.
[A clip of Bubble Bass whining while sweating heavily plays.]
Patrick: It's like Niagara Falls, for crying out loud.
[The scene cuts back to Patrick and Squidina showing Bubble Bass the video.]
Patrick: This episode has two billion views already!
Squidina: Pretty cool, huh, Bubs?
[Bubble Bass breaks down the door and runs outside. His mother walks out the door. Patrick and Squidina follow suit.]
Mama Bass: I can't believe it! My son is outdoors, participating in physical activity! And it's all thanks to his new friends!
[Bubble Bass pants trying to get as far as he can. The clouds clear and the sun becomes visible in the sky.]
Patrick: Hey! The sun's coming out!
Mama Bass: Bubble Bass, you get back here and put on some sunscreen. You're gonna get burned.
Bubble Bass: I'll be fine, mother!
[The sun shines a beam at Bubble Bass, making him burst into flames, ending the episode.]