Bummer Jobs/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Bummer Jobs/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins with the title design appearing on the screen. Squidward appears to be fishing for something on what seems like a dock.]
Squidward: [sighs happily] Nothing like a relaxing morning fishing... [The camera zooms out to reveal Squidward fishing on the roof of the star house.] ...for a deadbeat! [laughs evilly]
[He appears to be moving the line up and down, and someone is straining to catch it. Then, when he reels it up...]
Squidward: Gotcha! You're paying for your newspaper subscription today, Mr. Star. [strains] Huh? What the...? [he opens up the newspaper to discover that all the coupons from the newspaper are gone and grumbles angrily in response]
[Inside the Star house, Patrick and Squidina are watching TV, while Cecil is holding tons of coupons.]
Cecil: [happy] Would you look at that? I just made six bucks in coupons from a magic floating newspaper!
Squidina: Way to go, Dad!
Cecil: Time to get ready! [tying his tie] The sea bunny runs around the coral away from the barracuda and then hops back in his hole. [it then shows that Cecil made it a little too tight.]
Bunny: [just arriving in the room] So dapper. [kisses Cecil, who then chuckles]
Bunny: We'll be back later!
Patrick: Wait! [jumps off the couch and grunts] "Be back" means that you left. Where you going?
Cecil: To our jobs, of course.
Patrick: [confused] What is jobs? [moves his jaw sideways]
Bunny: [whispers to Cecil] Dear, I think it's time for the talk.
[Cecil then walks over to a little Patrick who looks like he's ready for a baseball game.]
Cecil: [calmly] Put down the baseball mitt, son. [Patrick does just that] You see, Patrick, when an employee and an employer love each other very much, a brand-new job is born! [Patrick looks in awe.]
Bunny: [happy] A job gives your life meaning. A purpose!
Patrick: [gains facial hair] I want one of those job thingies!
Bunny: [proud] Our man-child is becoming a man-man!
Cecil: Oh, good. Maybe he can move his can-can out of the house-house.
[Bunny and Cecil blow deeply into some balloons which turn into suitcases. Then, the door opens. Bunny and Cecil sit on the balloon suitcases which deflate and take them to work.]
Patrick: Where can I get a job and find my porpoise?
He bonks into the wall and falls on the floor. Then, a porpoise appears.]
Porpoise: Don't look at me. I ain't got it.
Squidina: I already have my dream job. [Cloud letters then appear above Squidina] Producing The Patrick Show.
Patrick: [destroys cloud letters] That was a hoot. The pink guy is so dumb!
Squidina: Come on, brother. It's time to start the show!
[The scene then changes to the TV, where Slappy Laszlo and the little boy are watching the show.]
Squidina: Let's see what's percolatin' on The Patrick Show!
[It shows a curtain on the screen and opens to reveal Patrick trying to tie a tie.]
Patrick: The sea bunny runs around the coral...
Slappy: [clapping] Oh, yay. Whoo.
Patrick: Away from the barracuda and hops back into his hole.
[When he's done, unfortunately the tie isn't done well enough, causing him to try again.]
Patrick: [slightly frustrated] On today's show, we're getting jobs. And to get a job, you have to know to tie one of these doohickeys.
[He then hits a mug which breaks off-screen. Unfortunately, the tie isn't done well enough, and it snaps into pieces. Patrick then gets more fabric, but he gets more tangled as he struggles to tie it.]
Patrick: And the bunny and the barracuda go out for coffee and the boat gets a flat! [He keeps struggling and as he gets up, he gets his rear-end on the screen and Slappy is amazed. And as the kid skateboards away, Patrick flips the TV screen and lands on Slappy.]
Slappy: 3-D effects! I love this show!
[He then walks with the tie choking him, and sees SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: [confused] Huh?
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. Fancy meeting you here. [restrained chuckle]
SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick. Trying out a new look?
[SpongeBob gets the tie off Patrick, and the latter inhales deeply.]
Patrick: Yeah, I'm looking for a job.
SpongeBob: Oh, what a coincidence. I could also use a job. [Popeye impression] Myeh, 'cause I'm a little low on lettuce and I need some scratch for spatulas, see?
Patrick: It's not a coincidence, SpongeBob. It's just two similar things happening at the same time.
[The two then walk off, and Squidina follows them on her bike.]
Squidina: [wearing a Pat TV camera] Oof, I guess "The Patrick Show" is goooing mobile today.
[The two are at the Scuttle-N-Save looking for a job.]
SpongeBob: Jobs!
Patrick: Jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs! Jobs, jobs?
[SpongeBob then whistles, and when an employee turns around, she mistakes him for a cereal box.]
Incidental 104: Oh, one more box.
[She then puts him in a boat trunk.]
SpongeBob: That tickles.
Incidental 104: I'm so sorry. I thought you were a box of cereal.
SpongeBob: Oh, I wish.
Patrick: Hold on, I'm getting a feeling.
SpongeBob: That we should become bag boys!
Patrick: No, it's just this darn rash. You gotta see this!
[He pulls up his shirt to show a rash that says "Be a Bag Boy". It then goes to the bubble transition, where Patrick and SpongeBob are practicing their first job as bag boys.]
SpongeBob: [slightly nervous] Ah, okay, here we go. My very first bag boy duty.
[He carefully attempts to put the eggs, flour, and watermelon in the bag, but the customer is impatient. Meanwhile, Patrick is doing it really fast.]
Patrick: [in a quick tone] You're going too slow, SpongeBob. Bagging is all about SPEED, baby!
[He adds more and more items in the bag. The customer comes to get the bag, but it seems to be really heavy.]
Patrick: Oh no, I missed one.
[Patrick gets an anvil and puts it in the bag, causing the man to crash through the floor.]
SpongeBob: [clapping] Nice job, Patrick. Now watch me.
[He stuffs the bag, and smashes it with a mallet.]
SpongeBob: Ka-pow! There.
[He then folds the smashed-up bag into a paper sailor hat, and puts it on the customer's head.]
SpongeBob: Ooh, très chic.
Customer: [sarcastic] Thanks.
[Patrick is then seen juggling a box of Kelpo cereal, two tomatoes, mayo, and an orange juice bottle, but he is blindfolded.]
Patrick: Hup-hup-hup.
[He then messes up, and all of the groceries start going everywhere. The customers all start screaming and running. The manager then comes to see about all the hullabaloo.]
Scuttle-N-Save manager: [angry] What is going on out here?
[His face then gets splattered with a tub of strawberry ice cream. Blindfolded Patrick puts the manager in a bag, and the latter is red with anger, literally.]
Scuttle-N-Save manager: [angrily, to SpongeBob and Patrick] You barnacle brains are done!
[He gets the two, stuffs them in a cannon, and literally fires them as bag boys.]
[SpongeBob and Patrick fly in the sky.]
Patrick and SpongeBob: We completed our first job!
Patrick: I think I'm getting the hang of this "jobs" thing, but have I found my true porpoise?