A Patty in Time/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "A Patty in Time/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with a sunset rising as the exterior of the Star house is seen. Patrick is watching TV.]
TV announcer: We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor.
Patrick: Yay, commercial!
[The TV shows the Krusty Krab.]
Mr. Krabs: [exits the Krusty Krab] Attention, Krusty Krab lovers!
Patrick: I'm listening.
Mr. Krabs: The Krusty Krab is proud to present, a brand new menu item! [shows a plate, the ingredients are added on as he lists them] We start with chocolate cake bun, top it with a slab of marzipan...
Patrick: Ooh.
Mr. Krabs: Strawberry frosting, another slab of marzipan...
Patrick: Ahh! [grabs and pulls eyelids]
Mr. Krabs: Vanilla frosting, more marzipan...
Patrick: [pulls eyelids and licks mouth.]
Mr. Krabs: Hot fudge, an additional slab of marzipan, pickles...
Patrick: [smacks lips]
Mr. Krabs: The top part of the chocolate cake bun and what the heck, let's throw a cherry on top. I call it "The Patty Kake." [logo appears on-screen]
Patrick: [screams, eyes pop out of head, eats eyes.]
Mr. Krabs: Not sweet enough for ya? Then make it a combo meal by [shows the meal] adding churro fries and a cup of carbonated high-fructose corn syrup.
Patrick: [drooling] Mom, can I go melt my teeth with sugar?
Bunny: As long as you don't spoil your dinner. [washes her teeth and puts them in drawer]
Mr. Krabs: But wait, it gets better!
Patrick: It does?
Mr. Krabs: [goes up to a poster with a headless person holding a Patty Kake] The person who orders the first Patty Kake will get their face immortalized on this official Patty Kake promotional poster.
Patrick: [close-up] I want to be on that poster.
Mr. Krabs: Then all you gotta do is be first in line this morning.
Patrick: Wait! "This morning" is happening [looks at watch] right now. What time do the doors open?
Mr. Krabs: [checks watch] Ten minutes from now. [points at watch]
Patrick: Great, I only need [raises hand with five fingers] five minutes to get there and that leaves me with another five minutes for a power nap. [falls asleep, snores]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Six hours later...
Patrick: [yawns, stretches, wakes up and stands up] To the Krusty Krab. [bashes the door down with his shoulder, rides it like a sled, down the street]
Cecil: [whistles and walks to front door] And [turns around] I'm off to the door store.
[Patrick sleds up a ramp being held up by pipes. The pipes roll and flatten two construction workers.]
Patrick: [door falls] Ahh!
[The door lands through the roof of Cecil's car, in the passenger seat.]
Cecil: Ha, I guess today's my lucky day.
Patrick: Almost there! [flies and hits the Krusty Krab sign, falls on ground, looks around] First in line.
SpongeBob: [opens doors and laughs] Oh, hiya, Patrick.
Patrick: SpongeBob? How did you get in the Krusty Krab so early?
SpongeBob: It's not early. Mr. Krabs sold out of Patty Kakes four hours ago. It was a huge success. [burps] And I was the first one to try 'em.
Patrick: That's impossible. I-uh, I got here early.
[Mr. Krabs puts up a poster with SpongeBob holding the Patty Kake on it.]
Patrick: I- [screams]
[The SpongeBob on the poster winks.]
Patrick: [screams] If only I had the means to travel back in time and change the outcome of this unfortunate situation.
SpongeBob: [laughs] Well, better luck next time. [the text "time" comes out of his mouth, echoes] Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to organize my closet. [the text "closet" comes out of his mouth, echoes and spells "time closet"]
Patrick: [sees text] Hmpf, oh well.
"Time closet" text: Is he really that dense? [whooshes into Patrick and hits him in the head]
Patrick: [time closets spin above his head, he looks up] Time closets? [snaps fingers] Wait! Oh-ho-ho-ho, that's it! [stands up] I can use my time closet to go back to this morning and be first in line! [runs away]
Cecil: [finishes drilling a door, closes it] So much fun. I wish I could install it all over again.
[Patrick runs into the door, breaking it, and a brick falls on Cecil's head.]
Cecil: Oh. [chuckles] Be careful what you wish for, Cecil.
[In his room, Patrick activates the time closet.]
Patrick: Back to the Krusty Krab early, this morning.
[He goes inside, and the wheel on the time closet lands on a sunrise icon. The time closet appears outside the Krusty Krab that morning. Patrick steps outside and sees SpongeBob walking down the street.]
SpongeBob: [laughs] Patty Kake, Patty Kake, here I am!
Patrick: [dramatic close-up] I don't think so, pal. [runs to SpongeBob and pins him to the ground]
SpongeBob: Oh, hiya, Patrick.
Patrick: You stay away from the Krusty Krab, you hear me?!
SpongeBob: Why? The new Patty Kake is out today.
Patrick: Sorry, buddy. [grabs a road tile, throws SpongeBob under, squishes him, and runs away]
SpongeBob: [face pops out] My turn! [laughs, squeeze out and runs to Patrick]
[Both SpongeBob and Patrick run, then SpongeBob jumps and lands on Patrick]
SpongeBob: Gotcha! [rolls and tickles Patrick]
Patrick: Hey! Oh, that tickling tickles! [throws SpongeBob out of the way and runs away, sweating, then stops in front of a line] Oh, no.
Bubble Bass: [exits the Krusty Krab with a Patty Kake] First in line, victory is mine.
Mr. Krabs: Congratulations! [takes a photo]
[A picture shows Bubble Bass messily eating the Patty Kake. He goes next to it.]
Bubble Bass: Mona Lisa, eat your heart out.
Patrick: No way! [goes back in the time closet] Oh, let's try this again. [closes it, then the time closet arrives that day]
[Patrick runs past a copy of himself being tickled by SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob copy: Tickle, tickle!
Patrick #2: Get off me, SpongeBob!
[Patrick looks for Bubble Bass.]
Bubble Bass: Twelve patties a day, keeps the doctor away.
Patrick: [tries to shove Bubble Bass away] Go back where you came from! It's my turn to be first in line! [digs his feet into the road, gets shredded]
Bubble Bass: You'd have to lock me in a cage to keep me from the Krusty Krab. [folds arms]
Patrick: [pops his back feet] Aha! [runs away, then grabs sticks, lands on Bubble Bass]
Bubble Bass: What the?
Patrick: [builds a cage over Bubble Bass] I'll let you once I'm [points finger] on that poster. [goes back into the Krusty Krab]
Bubble Bass: Ahem, as a prisoner, I do have rights!
Patrick: [tired] Oh. [goes to Bubble Bass] Okay, what are your demands?
Bubble Bass: I would like a full country breakfast, [Patrick gives him eggs, bacon, biscuits, and orange juice] some silver age comic books, [Patrick brings him comic books] a smart TV, [Patrick brings him a large TV] a life-size Man Ray action figure, [Patrick brings him a large Man Ray figure] and an ergonomic computer chair. [Patrick brings him a computer chair]
Mrs. Puff: [laughing, off-screen]
Patrick: Huh?
Mrs. Puff: [exits, holding the Patty Kake] I can't believe I got here first.
Patrick: Not again!
Mr. Krabs: [takes a photo of Mrs. Puff, which appears on a poster]
Patrick: [raises finger] If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again.
[He goes into the time closet, closes it, and arrives a bit earlier. SpongeBob is still tickling a copy of him.]
Patrick #2: Hey, get off me, SpongeBob!
Bubble Bass copy: A smart TV, a life-size Man-Ray action figure, and an ergonomic computer chair.
[Patrick #3 is giving Bubble Bass the various items.]
Patrick: [ominously] Now, where's Mrs. Puff? [turns his eyes into binoculars, sees her driving] Aha! [leaves his binoculars and eyes behind]
[Patrick looks at Mrs. Puff and turns his head to an empty boat. He starts the motor and takes a stance on the front of the boat. It cuts between Patrick's boat with intense music and Mrs. Puff listening to slow music.]
Mrs. Puff: [snapping, singing]
Patrick: [on the boat]
Mrs. Puff: [snapping, singing]
Patrick: [on the boat, crashes into a rock that flings him forward]
Mrs. Puff: Oh, yeah.
Patrick: [flies towards her]
[Mrs. Puff snaps. Patrick's head comes through her windshield. The skin on his face has flayed off, reducing him to a skeleton.]
Patrick: Stop the car.
Mrs. Puff: [screams, swerves, crashes into a building, explodes]
Patrick: [climbs up, head turns around, enters the Krusty Krab, sees Larry with a Patty Kake and on the poster]
Larry: Mm-mm!
Patrick: [eyes pop back into head, growls]
[Lighting strikes. Patrick goes back into the time closet. His copies are seen with Bubble Bass and SpongeBob. Mrs. Puff floats away as Patrick #3 walks away with his head still skeletal. Patrick grabs onto Larry's foot, begging, as Larry hops away.]
Patrick: Please, let me eat the Patty Kake! Please, please, please, please!
[Squidina walks past, humming. Patrick opens the door to see Squidina on the poster, and shaking Mr. Krabs' hand.]
Patrick: Huh?
Mr. Krabs: This sponsorship is gonna make us both a lot of money!
Squidina: I agree!
[They laugh. Squidina's laugh slows down and becomes monstrous. Patrick's face turns red with anger and his head explodes. He goes back in time. Patrick #4 is still begging Larry, and Patrick catches Squidina in a net.]
Patrick #4: Please, let me eat the Patty Kake! Please, please, please, please!
Squidina: Huh? [gets pulled away] Whoa!
[Tom is on the Patty Kake poster. Time closet transition to Patrick catching five people in a net with a rope. He laughs and runs off, and Fred is on the poster. The time closet bell dings and it teleports away. Fred gets snared by a trap.]
Fred: My leg!
[The time closet teleports again. Three children are now on posters. Patrick blows them away with a reef blower. Patrick #2 is seen running with the sticks for Bubble Bass's cage. Patrick goes back in time again. A doctor is on the poster. The time closet teleports again. Gary is on the poster. Patrick looks in the Krusty Krab in frustration, then stomps in anger and storms outside.]
Patrick: [growls, sees Gary]
Gary: Meow?
Patrick: [takes out a laser pointer and shines it on the ground]
Gary: [meowing, follows the laser]
Scallop: [cawing, flying]
[Patrick takes the scallop and fastens the laser pointer to it, letting it fly away. Gary follows the laser.]
Gary: [meowing]
[Another time closet appears and Patrick steps out.]
Patrick: Phew! I think that's literally everyone in Bikini Bottom. [screams as his eyes pop out]
[He looks back to see a line of Patricks: one standing angrily, one with a jellyfish net, one with a skeletal head, one heavily bandaged with a net, one holding sticks, one with a reef blower, one wearing a top hat, one with a Man Ray figure, and two standing angrily.]
Patrick #10: Forgetting someones?
[The Patricks all mob each other in a big fight. One punches another, one grabs another's head, and one butt-slams another.]
Patrick: Wait!
[They all stop fighting.]
[One Patrick bashes another in the face, making him lose a tooth. Patrick glares at him.]
Other Patrick: Sorry.
Patrick: Violence is never the answer! Surely, there must be a better way to determine who among us is most deserving of the Patty Kake.
[Bubble transition to a "Top Pat Bikini Bottom" contest. Patrick walks towards it. One carries a bunch of concessions.]
Patrick audience: [overlapping chatter]
[Patrick, in his host outfit, stands on stage with a card.]
Host Patrick: Welcome, Patricks and gentle-Patricks, to... Top [reads card] Patrick! Where we'll find out which Patrick is the most deserving of eating the first Patty Kake! And now, let's meet our judges!
[Many fish are in a single cage, waving their arms. One knocks over the microphone.]
Host Patrick: All of Bikini Bottom in one cage! Now, without further undo, please welcome our first contestant... Patrick Star!
[A Patrick in a hat, mustache, roller skates, and overalls holding a mallet and a coconut skates in.]
Patrick audience: [cheering]
Contestant Patrick: Who wants to see me smash a banana with a hammer?
Patrick audience: [cheering, stands up]
[Wind whistles outside the contest building, blowing paper and a tumbleweed. The Krusty Krab is deserted.]
Krabs: [tears up, picks Patty Kake off a plate] Oh, no one showed up for you, little Patty Kake. Guess you're just a sweet, frosted failure. [takes bite, recoils, spits it out] Blech! Ew, [throws it into the trash] what was I thinking?
[A camera flash appears, then a poster shows the Patty Kake on top of the trash can.]