Chocolate with Nuts/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Chocolate with Nuts" from season 3, which aired on June 1, 2002.

[SpongeBob is sitting inside of his mailbox, happily humming. He checks his watch. Incidental 154 arrives opens the mailbox, and SpongeBob suddenly pops out.]
SpongeBob: Hi, mailman!
[Incidental 154 drops his mail, screams in terror, and runs away.]
SpongeBob: Okay, [gets out of the mailbox] see you tomorrow!
Patrick: [walks up] Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?
SpongeBob: Let's see... [looks through the mail] Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, hey! A magazine! [looks at the magazine] That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest.
SpongeBob and Patrick: [look inside the magazine] Whoa!
SpongeBob: Look at these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living! [a picture of a rich person's swimming pool is shown. It has an inflatable pool floating in the water.] This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!
[A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with bags of money.]
Patrick: [points at the man's feet] This guy's got shoes!
Squidward: Give me that! [takes the magazine out of their hands] Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities.
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?
Squidward: They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.
SpongeBob: What kind of things?
Squidward: How should I know? Things people want to buy! [walks off] Now keep your paws off my mail.
SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta become entrepreneurs!
Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?
SpongeBob: Quick, Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?
Patrick: Uh... [sweats] More time for thinking.
SpongeBob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.
Patrick: [pops up behind him] A chocolate bar?
SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling chocolate bar salesmen!
[The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'N-Mart carrying many chocolate bars.]
SpongeBob: Fancy living, here we come!
Patrick: Make way for a couple of entrepe-nooers!
[SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house.]
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to living fancy! Just follow my lead.
[SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door. Incidental 6 opens the door.]
SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, could we interest you in some [holds up a chocolate bar] chocolate?
Incidental 6: Chocolate? Did you say, chocolate?
Patrick: Yes, sir. [holds up two chocolate bars] With or without nuts?
Incidental 6: Chocolate?! [screaming] Chocolate?! Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!
[SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away, and then run off. Incidental 6 chases them while madly screaming "Chocolate!". The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house.]
SpongeBob: Okay, the first guy didn't count. This is our real first step! [Incidental 118C opens the door] Good morning, sir! Would you like to buy some chocolate?
Incidental 118C: Chocolate bars, eh?
SpongeBob: Yes, sir, we are chocolate bar salesmen!
Incidental 118C: Ha! A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise! [Patrick is shown holding many chocolate bars in his pants] No, no, no, no, wrong. You guys wanna be good salesmen, right?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!
Incidental 118C: Well, [chuckles] no self respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! [holds up a bright-orange bag]
SpongeBob: Wow... what is it?
Incidental 118C: It's a candy bar bag, you knucklehead! It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort!
[SpongeBob tries to touch it.]
Incidental 118C: [pulls the bag away] But, I'm wasting my time. [walks inside] You don't need these bags.
SpongeBob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!
[Incidental 118C grins. The scene changes to Incidental 118C counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags.]
Incidental 118C: So long, boys! Happy hunting! [laughs when the two aren't looking] Suckers... [walks back inside]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing as they run off] Fancy livin', here we come! La la la la, la!
SpongeBob: Let's try next door! [walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot. Incidental 118C comes out]
Incidental 118C: Yes?
SpongeBob: [suspicious] Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?
Incidental 118C: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented Candy Bar Bag Carrying Bags. [holds up two large maroon bags]
Patrick: We'll take 20!
[The scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house. Incidental 49 comes out.]
Incidental 49: Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men?
SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?
Incidental 49: That sounds heavenly! I'll take one.
SpongeBob: One chocolate bar, coming up! Huh? Eh... Huh? Huh? Uh, uh, uh... [attempts to pull out a chocolate bar, but keeps pulling more bags, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants]
SpongeBob: I know they're in here somewhere!
Incidental 49: [looks at her watch] I don't have time for this. [goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out a chocolate bar]
SpongeBob: I've got it! One chocolate bar for the nice— [sees something off camera; it is revealed to be Incidental 6, still screaming]
Incidental 6: Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!
SpongeBob: —lady. [Incidental 6 chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming "Chocolate!". The scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner] We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.
Patrick: Huh... I got it! Let's get naked!
SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate. There must be something. What was the reason we bought those bags?
Patrick: He said we were mediocre...
SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel special!
Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more bags! [runs to the door]
SpongeBob: No, wait, Patrick! [Patrick freezes in place] Why don't we try being nice?
Patrick: Oh, okay.
[The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door.]
SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
[Patrick knocks on the door. Incidental 60 opens the door.]
Incidental 60: Hello?
Patrick: I love you.
[A harp is heard playing. Incidental 60 stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut in extreme disgust; a tuba is heard playing after the slamming.]
SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try. [rings the doorbell. Incidental 60 opens the door]
Incidental 60: Please. G-Go away!
SpongeBob: Um, [clears his throat] H-H-How you doin'?
Incidental 60: How am I doing?
SpongeBob: Wanna buy some chocolate?
Patrick: We got him now!
Incidental 60: Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, lover boy?
[Patrick's belly is bubbling.]
Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!
Incidental 60: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang. [holds up a picture of him being obese at age 13] You can keep that for five bucks.
Patrick: I'll take ten!
[Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking. A sad song plays.]
SpongeBob: We haven't sold one chocolate bar. I got a feeling that we're too easily distracted.
[Cut to Patrick staring at the pictures.]
Patrick: Huh?
[Far cut.]
SpongeBob: [raises his fist] Let's make a pact right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.
Patrick: [removes the pictures from his face] What?
SpongeBob: [holds out his hand] Let's shake on it.
Patrick: [looks at SpongeBob confused] Did you say something?
[Cut to the other customer's house. SpongeBob and Patrick are seen entering the view.]
SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, focus.
[Cut to the door. SpongeBob knocks on it. Incidental 37B answers.]
Incidental 37B: Yes?
SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, we're selling chocolate bars.
[Patrick somehow moves up to Incidental 37B with his eyes going in and out back and forth.]
Incidental 37B: Why is Chubby here staring at me?
[Cut to Patrick's eyes.]
Patrick: Focusing.
[Cut to the inside of Incidental 37B's house.]
Incidental 37B: [freaks out] Back up, Jack! [slams the door on Patrick's eyes]
Patrick: Oof! [moves his eyes around] Nice place you got in here.
[Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene. Patrick is eating a chocolate bar.]
SpongeBob: I can't understand what we're doing wrong.
Patrick: I can't understand anything.
SpongeBob: There must be something to this selling game that we're just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!
[Cut to the sign.]
Patrick: [reading the sign] Eat Barnacle Chips, they're delicious.
SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious!
Patrick: [smiling] Not the way I use them!
SpongeBob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day!
Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.
SpongeBob: [happily] That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!
Incidental 6: Chocolate!
[SpongeBob and Patrick run off. Cut to another house.]
SpongeBob: We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up, and then you come in for the kill!
Patrick: The kill!
[SpongeBob uses the doorbell. Incidental 87 answers.]
Incidental 87: Yes?
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick.]
SpongeBob: Hello, young lady. [winks at Patrick, who chuckles] We're selling chocolate. [gets a closer look at Incidental 87] Is your mother home?
[Cut to Incidental 87.]
Incidental 87: Mom!
Mom: [enters from the right side of the house] What, what, what's all the yelling?
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who have stunned looks on their faces. Cut back to the mom.]
Mom: You just can't wait for me to die, can you?
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick.]
Incidental 87: They're selling chocolate.
Mom: Chocolate?
Incidental 87: Yeah!
[Cut to Incidental 87 and her mom.]
Mom: What, what are they selling?
Incidental 87: Chocolates!
Mom: What?
Incidental 87: Chocolates!
Mom: I can't hear you!
Incidental 87: They're selling chocolates!
Mom: They're selling chocolate?
Incidental 87: Yeah!
[Cut to a close-up of the mom smiling.]
Mom: Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate.
[Cut back to view Incidental 87 and her mom.]
Mom: I always hated it!
[Cut to SpongeBob sweating.]
SpongeBob: Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...
Patrick: [comes from the top left] You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever.
[Cut to Incidental 87 and her mom, Incidental 87 is heard saying no constantly.]
Mom: Live forever, you say? I'll take one. [Incidental 87 slaps her face]
[Cut to the outside. Incidental 87 pays SpongeBob a dollar.]
Mom: [from inside the house] Come on, you lazy Mary! [cut to Incidental 87] Start rubbing me with that chocolate!
Incidental 87: [looks at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily] I hate you. [slams the door. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!
Patrick: [raises his fist] Hooray for lying!
[Bubbles transition to SpongeBob and Patrick. Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh.]
SpongeBob: It'll make your hair grow.
[Cut to Fred.]
Fred: Great! My wife's trying to grow a beard!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick. Patrick has a sad face this time.]
SpongeBob: They'll make you sound smart.
[Cut to the customer holding money.]
Customer: [southern accent] I'll take 20!
[Cut to Patrick.]
Patrick: It'll keep your face from getting any uglier.
[Cut to the two Patricks.]
Patrick 2: Just in time.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over.]
SpongeBob: They'll make you fly!
Patrick: You'll fall in love!
SpongeBob: They'll bring world peace!
Patrick: You'll walk through walls!
SpongeBob: [echoing] You'll rule the world!
[Cut to a door, SpongeBob and Patrick are wrapped in casts. Cut close to Patrick.]
Patrick: This'll be the best lie yet!
[Cut to SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel so sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of our chocolate!
[A customer opens the door.]
Customer: What can I do for you boys?
[Cut to SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.
Customer: Really?
[Cut to the customer, who apparently is in a cast covering his entire body.]
Customer: Small world. What's the matter with you guys?
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned.]
SpongeBob: [nervously] Uh... We've got some head trauma and eternal bleeding.
[Cut to the customer.]
Customer: Ah, some guys have all the luck.
[A violin begins playing.]
Customer: I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick. They both have faces meaning that they were about to cry.]
Customer: At night, [as SpongeBob looks up sadly, a tear runs down his face] I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
[Cut to the customer, the wires snap.]
Customer: [about to fall] Oh, no!
[A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer grunts while hitting the steps.]
Customer: [on the last step] Ow.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick.]
SpongeBob: Quick, Patrick, let's help him!
[Cut to the inside of the house. SpongeBob and Patrick enter from the left.]
SpongeBob: Careful, put him down gently.
[Patrick drops the customer's head. A glass breaking sound is heard. Cut close to the customer.]
Customer: [in pain] Ow...
[Cut to SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Poor, poor man. If there's anything, anything we can do to help you?
[Cut to the customer.]
Customer: There is one thing... as you can well imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling... chocolate bars. [gestures his head over to a massive stack of chocolate bar boxes. Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene. Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]
Customer: Such nice boys, [far cut to the customer] it does my heart good to con a couple of Class A sucker-roonies like those two! Ha ha ha!
[Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his costume off to reveal himself as Incidental 118C from earlier. Cut to the street.]
SpongeBob: [grunting] Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to. Whoa! [makes another grunting noise. He trips up on a rock and falls. Cut to him with a box flat on his face] Let's face it, Patrick. We're failures.
Patrick: [walks in from the left] I can live with that. [places the box on SpongeBob's box and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound]
SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Why and Bother.
[Incidental 6 appears behind the box.]
Incidental 6: Chocolate! [his screaming knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick. SpongeBob and Patrick babble]
SpongeBob: [simultaneously with Patrick] No, no! Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt me. No no. Please...
Patrick: [simultaneously with SpongeBob] No! Have mercy on me! Please spare me!
[Cuts to Incidental 6 laughing manically.]
Incidental 6: Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you... [turns back to normal] I'd like to buy all your chocolate. [holds up a large amount of cash]
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss. Cut back to Incidental 6, SpongeBob, and Patrick. SpongeBob and Patrick are melting.]
SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.
[Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene. Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow full of cash.]
Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?
[Cut to the money in the barrel. SpongeBob pops out.]
SpongeBob: Not yet, pally! First, we got to spend all the money.
[Cut to the two.]
Patrick: But what are we going to spend it on?
[Cut to SpongeBob thinking. Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "Fancy!" on top is seen. Cut to the inside of the boat.]
Squidward: [walking in from the left] Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.
Teen 5: Sorry, but the whole restaurant has been rented to a private party.
[Cut to Squidward shocked.]
Squidward: But it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restaurant?
Teen 5: Oh, a couple of rich entrepreneurs [leans over to Squidward] and their dates.
[Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Incidental 87, and the mom; Incidental 87 is seen holding a glass.]
SpongeBob: So, how long have you two ladies known each other?
[Pause]
Mom: What? What did he say? [the episode ends]

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