Chum Fricassee/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Chum Fricassee" from season 8, which aired on October 21, 2012.

[The episode opens at the Krusty Krab, at closing time.]
Squidward: Just clock out already!
SpongeBob: I'm trying Squidward, but clocking out is the most upsetting part of the day. At least soon I'll be home, where I can relive all the wonderful moments from my day at work. [flashback] I'm all over it boss man. [makes patty] Order up Gare-ward!
Gary: [imitating Squidward] Meow.
SpongeBob: It's so hard to leave, even for one night.
Squidward: I beg to differ. [switches ID cards] I mean, just look at this place [cuts to shot of the mess that happened at the restaurant], it's disgusting. Not to mention our cheap boss.
Mr. Krabs: [flips penny from the floor with a spatula, the penny lands on his hand] Woo-hoo! Got it. Hey who are you calling cheap?
Squidward: The guy who won't even spree for a doormat!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, give me a break Mr. Complains a Lot, as if you know anything about running a restaurant. [laughs]
Squidward: Well if I did run a restaurant, my exquisite taste in gourmet know-how would have customers waiting in line for years, just to get a table.
Mr: Krabs: [laughs to himself] See you fellas tomorrow. Gourmet know-how. [laughs]
Squidward: Laugh it up! My knowledge and intelligence could even make the Chum Bucket a success.
Plankton: [exits the Chum Bucket] Hey, hey, hey! I'm yelling over here! [jumps on SpongeBob and then on Squidward's head]
Squidward: Ouch! I think I picked up a tick. [rips Plankton off his head] Plankton, what do you want?
Plankton: Well I like to take you up on your offer to make a Chum Bucket a success!
Squidward: Oh, I don't know about that.
Mr. Krabs: I don't value you at all! [laughs]
Squidward: I'll do it.
SpongeBob: [pokes Squidward and he notices him] Don't you think that working at the Chum Bucket and The Krusty Krab is a conflict of interest Squidward?
Squidward: Gee SpongeBob, I haven't thought of that, you're right. [SpongeBob smiles] I quit. [SpongeBob frowns]
[bubble transition to the interior of the Chum Bucket]
Squidward: Euggh, a bit industrial but I can make it work.
Squidward: [enters the kitchen of the Chum Bucket] You call this a kitchen? We should start by tearing out this wall so the chef is visible to his adoring fans.
Karen: Great, two megalomaniacs.
Squidward: I don't see any use for these ol' claptraps. We should just break them down for parts. [tears claptraps out]
Plankton: But, but that's my Chum-fueled Antennae Massager.
Squidward: Oh, I'm sorry. Remind me, who's in complete creative control here?!
Plankton: Anyone can come in and redecorate pal, but you still haven't proven how you're going to make Chum edible.
Squidward: So I guess the proof is in the pudding, then isn't it?
Plankton: You're making Chum pudding?
Squidward: I'm making Chum Fricassee. [pulls the string and squirts out the Chum from the dispenser into the wheel barrel]
Plankton: Frica-what?
Squidward: You see Plankton [puts a finger into chum and picks it up with it], there's a trick to making Chum edible. [smells the chum and flings it back into the wheelbarrow] We just have to follow Grandma Tentacles' secret fricassee recipe.
Plankton: Secret recipe, you say huh? What's in it? [pulls out notepad and pencil]
Squidward: Nice try, tiny cyclops, you won't get Grandma's delicate mix of seasonings and spices that easily. But, preparation cannot be rushed, each batch much simmer for exactly 24 hours.
French Narrator: 24 hours later...
[cuts to Plankton resting his head on the dining table and a spatula flips the fricassee on the plate]
Plankton: Who took my blue blankie!? [notices the fricassee on the plate. Karen is cleaning the dishes in the background] Huh, this is the secret stuff? Doesn't look very promising.
Squidward: Oh just taste it already!
Plankton: [sniffs fricassee] Well the smell doesn't make me wretch. [scoops up a piece with a spoon and tries it] Hey, that ain't bad at all! [takes second scoop and tries it] It's actually amazing! [jumps on the table and eats the whole thing, and throws away the spoon and the plate] This is gold in the form of chum! [jumps on Squidward's head] Squidward my friend, you'll be the toast of Bikini Bottom! This recipe is going to make you a star.
Squidward: A star.
Plankton: A star.
Announcer for Flavors of the Bottom: Hello hungry eaters, it's time for, Flavors of the Bottom, a delectable at dining out at Bikini Bottom, look with your host Perch Perkins!
Perch Perkins: Hey all you bottom feeders! If you already eaten, well you might want to make room for seconds! [camera zooms out to a shot of Le' Chum Bucket] [cuts to the interior] Cause' we are tasting Bikini Bottom's new upscale eatery, Le' Chum Bucket. [cuts to classy customers at the table] Look at all those classy diners. What's on the menu? It's called, Chum Fricassee. [cuts back to him] Earlier, I spoke to head chef Squidward Tentacles. He shared with us why it's such a, Frica-success!
[customers eat it with a fork, only to like it, throw away the fork, and eat the whole thing off their plates]
Squidward: Actually, I can't share the recipe with you, it's a secret.
Mr. Krabs: [cuts to him watching his restaurant be a success on the news with a TV on the table] What?
Plankton: [laughs] That's right Krabs [TV view goes back in full screen], now we have a secret formula, and it's a bottle, and you can't have it! [laughs]
Squidward: Give me that, please. [snatches formula out of Plankton's hand] Thank you.
Plankton: [yells into microphone] Secret!

Perch Perkins: Well, it's clearly no secret... [a groom takes a selfie with Squidward, who is holding a plate of Chum Fricassee, and his bride, who is holding a bouquet of flowers]
Fred: Say Fricassee! [takes a photo]
Perch Perkins: ...that Le Chum Bucket is a hit.
Customers: Chef Squidward, Chef Squidward. [speak gibberish as they hold up their plate of Chum Fricassee]
Squidward: Anything for my fans. [holds up a pen]

Mr. Krabs: [pounds the table, making the TV go static] This is mutiny! And the public is actually eating it! Well, at least our loyal clientele haven't jumped on the Chum Wagon.
SpongeBob: [goes to Mr. Krabs] Don't speak too soon, Mr. Krabs. [The Krusty Krab is empty]
Mr. Krabs: So, [leaves the barrel] we're having a slow day. [walks to a customer] At least Old Jethra is stuck with us. That Krabby Patty hittin' the spot Jethra?
Jethra: Actually, they was all filled up at the Chum Bucket, so I had to get my chum to go. [shows Mr. Krabs his chum, that has Squidward's signature] I got a sign by Squidward hisself though.
Mr. Krabs: Hmm... [his eyes, arms, and legs pop like balloons; his shell lands on the floor. His eyes grow back] Time to get to the bottom of this! [scene cuts to nighttime outside the Chum Bucket, where there is a long line. He and SpongeBob are wearing fancy attire as they enter the Chum Bucket] Whoo... [they see the exquisite restaurant] Just act like you're another fancy customer.
SpongeBob: Aye aye, Mr. Kra- [Mr. Krabs covers his mouth]
Mr. Krabs: Shhhh [stammers], what's gotten into you?! [whispers] High fo-looting customers don't bark on the top of their lungs like a sea dog!
SpongeBob: Oops. [clears throat] I mean, [British accent] I fancy a bit of the old chum. Indeed, I do, squire. [he and Mr. Krabs approach Karen]
Mr. Krabs: Good evening, madame. Table for two please. [softly elbows SpongeBob and winks]
Karen: Your name?
Mr. Krabs: I be Eugene Kra- uhhh... I mean, uhhh... [looks at a crumpled wrapper on the floor] Sir Crumpled Ol' Wrapper. Eh, that's me name. Don't wear it out.
Karen: All right. [looks at the notepad] Let's pull up your reservation. Oop, I'm so sorry, sir. I'm not showing any "Ol' Wrapper".
Mr. Krabs: Reservation?! In this sinkhole?! [his monocle comes off]
Karen: There's a two-year wait for a table.
Squidward: What seems to be the problem? Well, well, well, [blows Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob's disguises off their faces with a fan] if it isn't Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob. Now just follow me. I believe I have a table reserved just for you. [the 'table' that Squidward 'reserved' for Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob turns out to be a toilet. Squidward puts a tablecloth on the toilet] Bon Appetit, Suckers! [laughs at them as he walks away. Soon, everyone joins in the humiliation by laughing at Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob as they leave the restaurant in sadness] See you in two years! [laughs and scoffs at them]
Plankton: Yeah, see how you like it Krabs! [laughs]
[the whole crowd laughs at them while they walk away in misery]
French Narrator: One week later...
[shows a line of Squidward's fans]
Nancy-Suzy Fish: I was here first!
Tyler: No, I was!
Squidward: One at a time, please.
Nancy-Suzy Fish: Oh, Mr. Tentacles, it's so nice to finally meet you!
Squidward: Yes, isn't it? [signs her autograph book with Squidward's picture on it] Next? Whoa! [notices the line is becoming long and slow] Plankton!
Plankton: [frying the chum fricassee in nuggets] Yeah, what's up?
Squidward: Are you not seeing the line of people out there?! What's the hold-up with the new batch of Fricassee?!
Plankton: What's the hold-up? You said it took exactly 24 hours. [points to the machine with the cooking time at about an hour before 24 hours]
Squidward: I don't care if it isn't finished! Just take the orders!
Plankton: But I haven't even sauteed it yet. Whatever you say. [cuts to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob sitting alone on the side of the road]
Mr. Krabs: [sniffles] What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? [cries as SpongeBob comforts him]
SpongeBob: Oh, sir, I'm sure that the new Chum Fricassee can't taste better than a Krabby Patty. [cuts to a customer walking out of Le Chum Bucket with leftover in his bag]
Plankton: Thank you, sir. Come again. Enjoy your leftovers.
Tyler: Oh, I will. [sees Mr. Krabs crying in agony and grief. Tyler gives Mr. Krabs his leftovers] Please, sir. Take my chum. It's the least I can do to help. Poor guys.
Mr. Krabs: [digs into the bag and pulls out the leftover Chum Fricassee] You go first, boy.
SpongeBob: [takes a bite of the Chum Fricassee] Hey, this is great!
Mr. Krabs: Better than a Krabby Patty?
SpongeBob: A what?
Mr. Krabs: [also takes a bite of the Chum Fricassee and gasps] This is delicious! No! I'm ruined! [cries in agony as SpongeBob comforts him]
Squidward: [Meanwhile, the line keeps getting longer and longer and Squidward continues to serve his Chum Fricassee to his customers and fans] Here you go, folks. Enjoy my world-famous Fricassee. [All of a sudden, someone bursts through the front door, which turns out to be Squidward's paternal grandmother and she's not very happy] Grandma!
Grandma Tentacles: [enters the restaurant and corners her grandson by the kitchen doors] Someone's been cooking my recipe [sniffs] and they're doing it wrong!
Squidward: What are you doing here?
Grandma Tentacles: Saving my recipe from my bumbling grandson! [crushes Squidward's foot with her walker]
Squidward: [in pain] Ow! I didn't do it! Uh, uh, it was him! [points to Plankton, who comes out of the kitchen whistling and holding a plate of chum nuggets]
Plankton: What?! Oh, [throws the nuggets away] you're not pinning this on me! You said you didn't care if it was ready or not!
Squidward: Okay, I admit it! I admit it! But... but... but what's the big deal? [Grandma Tentacles crushes her grandson’s foot with her walker again] Ow!
Grandma Tentacles: The big deal is when the chum is not cooked for exactly 24 hours, it causes severe tummy trouble!
[The customers hear this, they all get up from their seats, and confront Squidward, furious.]
Male Fish: You fed us undercooked chum?!
Grandma Tentacles: Tear him apart, people!
[She walks off while the customers form a mob and start to attack Squidward. They do an uproar, following what his paternal grandmother says.]
Fred: [carries a trash can] I've had it and I'm not gonna take it anymore! [Fred throws the trash can on a table. Other customers throw their chum meals on the ground and on the wall of the Chum Bucket. Another customer rips apart of an awning. Frank grabs a napkin holder, throwing napkins on the floor. Plankton pops up near the napkins.]
Plankton: Not the napkins! [Frank doesn't listen to Plankton.]
Angry Mob: [An ax chops Squidward's picture in half.] He got what he deserves, that's what I say! [Elsewhere in the exterior of Le Chum Bucket, it bursts into flames caused by the mob. As the restaurant is on fire, the customers run out of the Chum Bucket] It's on fire! It's all burning! Run! [the fire incinerates the restaurant, leaving only Plankton and Squidward standing with charred faces]
Plankton: My restaurant! [cries]
Squidward: My fan base! [cries harder before his paternal grandmother appears.]
Grandma Tentacles: I hope you learned your lesson, genius! [crushes Squidward's foot with her walker for the third time]
Squidward: Ow! [Plankton and Squidward wail]
SpongeBob: [cuts to the Krusty Krab] Gee, Mr. Krabs, it sure was nice of you to hire Squidward back. Especially since he tried to destroy your business and all.
Mr. Krabs: I figure it's the least I can do for him after causing all that mayhem over at the Chum Bucket. In fact, I promoted him. He's our new doormat!
Squidward: Ow! [laying on the floor like a doormat as punishment] Living the dream! [Moaning and groaning, some customers who destroyed the Chum Bucket wipe their feet on Squidward.]