Club SpongeBob/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/42a

[Scene starts with Squidward coming out of his house with a bicycle]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling]
SpongeBob: Wey, wook. It's Widward! [Hey, look. It's Squidward!]
Squidward: Wha...?
SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughter]
SpongeBob: Widward's woing to work. [Squidward's going to work]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughter]
Patrick: Where does he work? Wat the Wusty Wab? [At the Krusty Krab?]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughter]
Squidward: What's that supposed to be-- some kind of stupid secret code?
SpongeBob: We can't tell you 'cause you're not a member of the club.
Squidward: Oh, yeah? What does it take to be a member, besides being a moron? [laughs] Moron... [laughs again] as a requirement. [laughs again]
SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, but you couldn't get in even if you tried!
Squidward: Huh? Well, I'll have you know that I am a member of over 20 different exclusive clubs all across the sea bottom!
Patrick: What did he say?
SpongeBob: I don't know. Something about his nose?
Patrick: Squidward, you and your nose will definitely not fit in!
Squidward: Oh, what do you two zeros know about fitting in? [takes off his hat and starts to climb the vine] Why, you should be begging me to join!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! Squidward, no, no, no! Stop! No, no, no, stop, please, please! Stop, Squidward! You can't join! You can't join! Can't join! You can't get in!
[Squidward gets stuck inside the treehouse]
Squidward: Well, this is stupid. There's no room up here!
Patrick: That's what we've been trying to tell you!
SpongeBob: We've been stuck up here for three days.
Patrick: We told you you wouldn't fit in.
Squidward: [sneers]
SpongeBob: Well, since you're here, Squidward, we'll give you the new member initiation. Are you ready, Patrick?
Patrick: Ready!
[SpongeBob and Patrick starts singing]

Welcome to our club

Welcome Squidward

Welcome Squidward...

Squidward: Shut your half-wit pieholes! [grabs a vine beside the vine holding up the treehouse and pulls it while the treehouse is going down] I do not now, nor will I ever, want to be a member of your stupid club! [gets to the floor but the vine snaps and the vine holding up the treehouse flings back very fast and the treehouse flies off it] AAAAAAHHHHH...!!!
Nancy: Whoa!
Frank: Make a wish, honey.
[Squidward continues screaming. The treehouse falls into the Kelp Forest]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Again! Oh, yeah! Again! [they do the victory screech from "The Algae's Always Greener"
Squidward: Oh, no. That didn't just happen. Please tell me that didn't happen!
Patrick: What happened?
[SpongeBob shrugs. Squidward runs around the treehouse]
Squidward: Where are we? We're lost! There's no way out! Stuck... in the middle of nowhere... with SpongeBob and Patrick!
[SpongeBob and Patrick wave at Squidward who starts crying]
Squidward: Oh, why must every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery? Why-y-y-y?!
SpongeBob: Oh, cheer up, Squid. It could be worse.
Patrick: Yeah. You could be bald and have a big nose.
[camera zooms in on Squidward's head which deflates]
Squidward: Well... this is the end. [head falls on the ground]]
SpongeBob: No, it's not, Squidward.
Patrick: [building coffins] It's not?
SpongeBob: Come on, guys, we're gonna be fine! [patting Squidward's head] As long as we stick together. Remember, we're a club!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [they do the victory screech again]
SpongeBob: And besides, we have this!
[SpongeBob pulls out a conch]
Squidward: What's that?
Patrick: Ohhh! The Magic Conch Shell! Ask it something! Ask it something!
SpongeBob: Magic Conch Shell, will I ever get married?
Magic Conch: Maybe someday.
SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling] Oooohhhh!
Squidward: You've got to be kidding! That is just a stupid toy! How can that possibly help us?
SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward, we must never question the wisdom of the Magic Conch. The club always takes its advice before we do anything.
Patrick: The shell knows all!
SpongeBob: Oh, Magic Conch Shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest?
Magic Conch: Nothing.
Patrick: The shell has spoken!!
Squidward: Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do nothing!
[SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting down doing nothing]
Squidward: [growls] I can't believe you two are gonna take advice from a toy!
[SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing]
Squidward: [growls again] All right, all right, all right! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity! But don't you two sad clowns come crying to me when your circus tent comes crashing down! [starts walking away in kelp forest] Sad clowns... [laughs] sad... [laughs again] clowns. [laughs again. He begins to run fast and scared while panting] What was that? I was already here! Which way do I go? Oh, I'm lost! [trips and falls] Ohh... I'm hopelessly lost! I'll never get out of here! [sees light] Huh? [laughing. He goes toward the light] I'm free!! Take that, SpongeBob and Patrick! [pumps fists in the air and starts laughing triumphantly but sees SpongeBob and Patrick] Huh? Ohhh... [falls on the ground] there's no way out of here. [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick still doing nothing. A stick is thrown at Patrick's head. Squidward is putting a pan over a fire] How's it going over there at Club Shell-For-Brains? Mmm-mmm-mmm. I am hungry. I wonder what's on the menu for Club Squidward tonight? [steps on a bug] Ah... [puts the bug on the pan and walks over to SpongeBob and waves the pan over his nose] Doesn't that smell good, SpongeBob? You haven't eaten in days. [walks over to Patrick] How about you, Patrick? A big boy's gotta eat. Well, you can't have any. [walks away from Patrick] And do you know why, SpongeBob? Because your club president is a shell! [shakes his butt in SpongeBob's face] If you had listened to me you'd have food, shelter, and a roaring fire. But instead you listened to a talking clam... [moves back to Club Squidward] that tells you nothing! As if the answers to all your problems will fall right out of the sky! [laughs] Fall right out of the sky!
[Airplane falling out of the sky]
Scooter: Dude!! We're falling right out the sky! We gotta drop the load!
[Presses "Drop the Load" button. Drops picnic supplies [food] to where SpongeBob and Patrick are]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Praise the Magic Conch!
[Squidward stares and the bug gets up and hits him with the stick. SpongeBob and Patrick eat]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Ahahahaha!
Squidward: Hey uhh SpongeBob.. that sure is a lot of food you got there..
SpongeBob: It's a gift from the Magic Conch..
Squidward: Everything sure looks delicious. Oohh! Smoked Sausages! My favorite!
[Reaches for them but Patrick sucks them in and eats them]
Squidward: Hey, uhh, SpongeBob, you know I was just kidding before earlier and I mean I'm still part of the club and I mean the club has to stick together, and uhh, uhh...
SpongeBob: Squidward...
Squidward: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Once a member, always a member!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [clink glasses] To the club! WHOOLOOOLOOOLOOLOOOOLOOO!!
Squidward: Yeah.. Whooloolooloo.. Now if you'll excuse me...
[Runs to table with all the food]
Squidward: What should I eat first? The spaghetti, the turkey, the soup, the canned meat?
SpongeBob: Why don't you ask.. The Magic Conch Squidward?
Squidward: Oh, yeah, like that'll happen. Right after I consult the Magic Toenail.
[SpongeBob and Patrick pull table away]
SpongeBob: [gasp] Squidward, are you questioning the authority of the Magic Conch? The Conch is the one who gave us this banquet.. This copyrighted conch is the quarterstone of our organization!
Patrick: Maybe he's not a brother.
[SpongeBob looks at Patrick wide-eyed]
Squidward: Hey-he-he, you guys have it all wrong. I love this little piece of plastic.
[picks up Magic Conch]
Squidward: Hello there. Magic Conch, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
Magic Conch: Neither.
Squidward: Oh. Well what about the soup?
Magic Conch: I don't think so.
Squidward: Could I have anything to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: No?! What do you mean "No"? I'm starving here!
Patrick: [takes Magic Conch] Here, lemme try. Magic Conch, could Squidward have some of this yummy-delicious-super terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: No.
Patrick: Hmm.. could I have some of this yummy-delicious super terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: Yes.
Patrick: Alright! [Vacuums in sandwich and burps loudly] Sorry Squidward.
Squidward: Give me that! [takes Magic Conch] Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Can't you say anything else but no?
Magic Conch: Try asking again.
Squidward: Can I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: [in a very insulting, sarcastic-like tone] No.
[Squidward fumes...getting mad]
SpongeBob: Squidward, are you alright?
[Squidward still getting mad]
Patrick: Maybe we could ask the shell if he's okay.
Rescuer: Hello? Anyone there? Hello? HELLO? Do you folks need some help?
[Cuts through kelp...seeing SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward]
Squidward: I'm SAVED!
[Runs over to Rescuer]
Squidward: You don't know how happy I am to see you. I've been stranded out here for weeks with these two barnacle heads and their Magic Conch Shell!
Rescuer: Magic...Conch...Shell? [pulls out Magic Conch] YOU MEAN LIKE THIS? [with two big teeth]
SpongeBob and Patrick: The Magic Conch! A club member!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: WHOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOO!
Squidward: [in surprise and grunting] Abrae.
Rescuer: My conch told me to come and save you guys.
SpongeBob, Patrick and Rescuer: Hooray for the magic conches!
Rescuer: Alright Magic Conch.. What do we do now?
Magic Conch: Nothing.
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: All hail the Magic Conch!
[SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Rescuer sit down doing nothing. Squidward moves behind them]
Squidward: ALL HAIL THE MAGIC CONCH!
[Sits down with SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Rescuer]