Day of the Living Dad Jokes/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Day of the Living Dad Jokes/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[Perch is seen on a TV reporting in front of a stadium.]
Perch: Live from Bikini Bottom Stadium, it's football!
Football fan: I love football!
Perch: [as the camera cuts to a pair of feet with a helmet on a field] Football indeed. [the feet kick a football] Looks like we have a kicker at the 50-yard line. [five pairs of feet with helmets are seen running across the field as the camera zooms out to show Cecil watching the footage outside on a TV] What a game!
Cecil: [next to a barbecue] Woo-hoo! Go, team! We're number three! We're number three! We're number three!
Patrick: [emerges from the stage curtain, tired and wearing sleepwear] Oh. Aren't there only two teams?
Cecil: We're number... Ooh! Well, son, that reminds me of a joke. Would you like to hear it?
Patrick: Sure, whatev-- [Bunny covers his mouth and takes him away]
Cecil: [flips a patty] Oh, well, your loss.
Patrick: [to Bunny] What are you doing?
Bunny: [nervously] Um, well, uh...
Squidina: [opens the lower portion of the bedroom door and enters with a clipboard] Morning, Patrick. Are you ready for today's show?
Bunny: Shut that door!
Squidina: [yelps, quickly slams the door shut]
Bedroom door: What's going on, Bunny? You seem jumpy.
Bunny: Oh, well, kit's just... Every 20 years, on the day of the big game, [scene changes to a flying asteroid with a mustache in space] a comet known as the "Dadsteroid" passes over Bikini Bottom, [the Dadsteroid flies over Bikini Bottom] unleashing an ancient plague. If you laugh at a dad joke...
Infected dad: [to a stranger] Hey-o! [laughs] Working hard or hardly working?
Bunny: [voiceover] ...or even giggle...
Stranger: [chuckles, then yells in pain as he grows a mustache, his posture breaks, grows sandals with socks, his pants pull up to his stomach, then yells in agony as his eyes glow blue]
Bunny: [voiceover] ...you become a dad!
Stranger: [points] Hey, hey, hey! Working hard or hardly working, huh?
[Lightning strikes as the scene changes back to Patrick's bedroom. Patrick pulls his night cap over his head.]
Squidina: That's awful! What can we do?
Bunny: All we can do is hide until the big game is over. [an aroma appears] It's not safe to...
All: Huh?
Cecil: [touches the top of a shoe on a barbecue with a spatula] Who wants some barbecue and a joke?
Patrick, Squidina, and Bunny: [heads pop out of the curtain, drooling]
Patrick: Ancient plague or not, I need a game day grilled boot, otherwise I'll starve!
Squidina: Ditto!
Bunny: Hmm. Your father does leave the grill to use the bathroom during the commercial break, and you can tell a commercial break is coming when he says his one special phrase.
Cecil: [off-screen] Well, I gotta see a man about a seahorse.
Squidina: [all three fall to the ground] Oh!
Patrick: Ah! The special phrase! [stretches his face]
Squidina: Ah! He said it! We gotta go!
Bunny: [screaming and flailing her arms]
Squidina: Go, go! Now, now!
Cecil: [hums as he enters the house and enters the bathroom]
[Patrick, Squidina, and Bunny run past Cecil to arrive at the grill.]
Patrick: Go, go, go!
[The trio all look at each other and growl.]
Cecil: [hums as he flushes the toilet]
Patrick: [rabidly eats a piece of the shoe]
Squidina: [eats a shoe string with a bird beak]
Bunny: [eats with several hot dogs in her mouth]
Perch: [on the TV] We now return to the big game!
Bunny: [screams, letting the hot dogs out of her mouth] Run!
Patrick: [he and Squidina look around] But where?
Squidina: [points to the top of the giant TV] Up there!
Patrick: [climbs to the top of the TV and pulls Squidina to him]
Squidina: Whoa!
Patrick and Squidina: Hurry, Mom, come on!
Bunny: Save yourselves.
Patrick and Squidina: [jump into the house's side window]
Cecil: Hey, Bunny!
Bunny: [afraid] Yes, hon?
Cecil: Why is the calendar afraid? [his eyes glow blue]
Bunny: [shivering] Uh, I don't-- I don't know, dear. Why is the calendar afraid?
Cecil: [walks up to Bunny, who pushes up against the TV] Well, Hun-bun, it's funny. It's because its days are numbered! [hysterical number] Oh, get it?
Bunny: [laughs and flails her arms] Its days are numbered. [laughs hysterically, then contorts, growing a mustache and shoes, her hair falls out, then she grows dad clothes]
Patrick: [watching from outside the window] Squidina!
Squidina: [screams]
Patrick: I'm scared!
Squidina: Me too, Patrick!
GrandPat: What are you whippersnappers always screaming about?
Patrick and Squidina: GrandPat!
GrandPat: [stands ominously]
Patrick: [shivering with Squidina as they hold each other] Do grandpa jokes count as dad jokes?
Squidina: I guess we're about to find out.
GrandPat: Oh, it's jokes you want? What do you call someone who rides a penny farthing with just one wheel? A little short on cents! [rimshot]
Patrick: I don't get it.
Squidina: Me neither. Of course we don't get it, Patrick. GrandPat is too old. No one gets his jokes.
Cecil and Bunny: [off-screen, frightening Patrick and Squidina] Oh, kids, where are you?
GrandPat: [walks off] Oh, what now? Everybody's always yelling in this confounded house. [opens the door to reveal Bunny grinning, glaring with blue eyes]
Patrick and Squidina: [scream, floating to the restroom and shut the door]
Squidina: [both flailing] Quick, hide! [jumps into the bathtub]
Patrick: [jumps into the toilet and gets stuck] Squidina, I'm stuck!
Bunny: [walking towards GrandPat as he backs away into Cecil behind him] Stop me if you've heard this one. If you're American in the living room...
Squidina: [she and Patrick cover their ears] Cover your ears. Hurry!
Cecil: And American in the dining room...
Cecil and Bunny: What are you in the bathroom.
GrandPat: Oh. European! [laughs as his shadow is seen from the bathroom; his shadow contorts as he is transformed into a dad]
[The doorknob is turned, and a drill is used to take off the screws.]
Squidina: Oh, no! They're using their dad handyman skills!
Patrick: We're goners.
[The doorknob falls off, and so does the door, revealing the three dads.]
GrandPat, Cecil, and Bunny: Hello, goners. We're Dad.
Patrick and Squidina: [scream wildly, then break through the front wall of the house flying; they land gracefully on the sand]
Squidina: We gotta find someone undadified and--
Dad: I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me!
Patrick and Squidina: [gasp]
Patrick: What was that?
Patrick and Squidina: [spot a Dad baby drinking from a bottle] Dad babies? What? [Dad snails come out from the trash] Dad snails? Huh? [Squidward takes off his bike helmet to reveal he is a Dad too] Dad Squidw--
Patrick: Oh, wait, that actually kind of suits him.
Patrick and Squidina: [the entire town is now made of Dads and is burning from the grills] Dadpocalypse!
Squidina: We're doomed.
Patrick: Daddy doomed.
Sandy: [voice heard from a device in Squidina's shirt] Hello? Hello? Anybody there?
Patrick: Your clothes can talk?
Sandy: Hello?
Squidina: Oh, that's my transistor radio. [takes the radio out and holds it]
Sandy: Is there anyone out there who has not been dandified yet? [cut to her in a broadcasting room] This is Sandy Cheeks broadcasting on the Emergency Bikini Network. All non-dads should report to the Bikini Bottom Mall immediately for safe haven.
Squidina: To the shopping mall! [she and Patrick run off and bump into some dads]
Patrick: Uh-oh. How are we gonna get through all these dads?
Squidina: We're gonna have to blend in. [pulls a bunch of grass from the ground] This oughta do the trick. [puts the grass on her face as a mustache, then pulls two more bunches of grass] And we'll plug our ears while we're at it. [puts the grass in her ears] Now, let's do you. [puts blades of grass in Patrick's ears and on his face] Okay, let's move. [they walk through the large crowd of dads]
Dad #1: Money doesn't grow on trees.
Dad #2: Don't get me started.
Squidina: Don't make eye contact. Just keep moving.
Dad #3: Just a little dab'll do ya.
Dad #4: Ask your mother.
Dad #5: Don't make me turn this car around!
[Patrick and Squidina escape the large crowd of dads and run to the Bikini Bottom Mall. Inside, they walk and look around.]
Patrick: There's nobody here. Where's the pretzel stand?
Squidina: I'm not totally sure.
Patrick: [shouting] I want a pretzel! And a little cup of cheese to dip into.
Squidina: Not now, Patrick. We have to avoid all distractions. Otherwise, we...
Sandy: [running and screaming with a bottle of perfume spray]
Squidina: Uh, Sandy?
Sandy: Prepare to be saturated by a delicate blend of lavender and jasmine! [skids to a half]
Patrick: Yay! [gets sprayed with the perfume] I feel like a beautiful flower.
Sandy: Wait a minute. Dads are supposed to run for their lives from this sort of fragrance.
[Patrick and Squidina's disguises fall off.]
Sandy: Huh. Patrick and Squidina? [tosses perfume bottle] Sorry to spray ya. I thought you two were dads. [giggles] We must be the only non-dads left. [picks up a grass mustache] You know somethin'? This mustache reminds me of my pappy and that dumb joke he tells me all the time. [imitating his dad as he appears in her thought cloud] Hey, Sandy. What does a bee use to comb his hair? [Patrick and Squidina are frightened as they cover their ears] A honeycomb! [laughs, contorts, and turns into a dad] Why did the lobster blush?
Patrick and Squidina: [shaking their heads] Sandy, no!
Sandy: 'Cause he saw the ocean's bottom. [laughs]
Patrick and Squidina: [scream in slow-motion as they run off to the stadium and onto the field]
Squidina: Oh, no. We've run right into a giant dad bowl.
Patrick: Hey, [points] what's that strange football-shaped object coming at us? [a football lands in his face]
Squidina: It's a football. [Patrick punches his stomach to eject the football; points] Uh-oh, we've got company.
Patrick: Huh?
[Five pairs of feet with football helmets run on the field.]
Patrick: Uh-oh.
Vendor: Hot dogs and a joke!
Patrick and Squidina: Huh?
Vendor: [walking down the bleacher steps] Get your hot dogs and a joke!
Patrick: Hot dogs? [puts the football into Squidina's hands] Here. [runs off]
Squidina: Are you for real? [the feet run straight towards her as she runs away from them] Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!
Perch: [commentating with a microphone] Folks, if this game wasn't exciting enough, now there's a helpless little girl fleeing for her life on the gridiron!
[Bunny and Cecil are watching the game on the TV while GrandPat is asleep.]
Cecil: I've never been more proud to be a dad.
Bunny: Same.
Squidina: [screams as she continues running away from the feet]
Perch: Just look at her go!
Vendor: [to Patrick as he eats hot dogs from his box] Hey, did you hear the one about the--
Patrick: [shoves several hot dogs onto the vendor's face] No! [eats more hot dogs] Go team!
Perch: [as the timer counts down from seven seconds] Down to six seconds. [Squidina runs toward the field goal with the football, then leaps into the air] And she's passing the 20-yard line! [as the timer reaches zero, Squidina scores a touchdown] Touchdown!
Patrick: [tosses a flag into the air] Yay, Squidina!
[The flag punctures a dad blimp, making it deflate into space, knocking the Dadsteroid out of existence.]
Perch: [looking with a telescope] Amazing! The Dadsteroid has been knocked off its regular course and into the infinite blackness of space! [his mustache falls off and his eyes turn back to normal; the same happens for people in the crowd and Bunny]
[Football transition to Patrick and Squidina on the field.]
Squidina: Well, it looks like our dad nightmare is finally over.
[A loud boom is heard as pink flashes.]
Patrick: Huh?
[A comet wearing a wig and pink necklace flies over the field, leaving behind pink dust particles.]
Patrick: What the heck is that?
Sandy: [from the radio, which Squidina takes out of her shirt] Hello, this is Sandy Cheeks [cut to Sandy in her broadcasting room] broadcasting on the Emergency Bikini Bottom Network. A Momet is passing over us. [brief cut to the Momet in space] If a mom asks you to go shopping, just say no.
Patrick: [on the phone] Yes, Mom, I love shopping. [instantly turns into a mom]
Squidina: [deadpan expression]