Dr. Smart Science/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Dr. Smart Science/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins with a pan through space.]
Narrator: Dr. Smart Science! With Professor Patrick!
[Patrick's head appears spinning on a TV as words fly by. Two lightbulbs appear next to it. Suddenly, the music cuts out as it shows him spinning against a green screen in a motion capture suit. The word "Gravity" comes loose from a string and hits Patrick on the back of the head.]
Patrick: [groaning]
Squidina: All right, that's a wrap on the intro!
[She tears Patrick's motion capture suit off, showing a lab coat underneath. Patrick spins and falls behind a table.]
Patrick: [grunts] Science. It's all about matter and energy. So if something is the [touches screen] matter with you, fix your energy with [six of his arms hold up crystals] crystals! [looks at a small, gray rock] Hey, you're just a rock.
Rock: [cries a single tear, grows live-action mouth and face] I'm doing my best.
Patrick: Well, do it somewhere else! [grunts and throws rock outside]
[Cut to Sandy using multiple layers of a telescope to inspect a plant outside.]
Sandy: A six-leaf sea clover? [picks it up with a claw] Talk about a scientific anomaly. [puts it in a beaker, which gets smashed by the rock] Ow! [alarm on her backpack goes off, yelps] Doggone! My pseudoscience detector is going nuts. [arm whirs, dings and points to house, Sandy gasps] And it's coming from the Star family house!
Rock: Patrick's selling crystals again.
Sandy: I should've figured. He's as dense as a rock.
Rock: Hey! I resemble that remark!
[Sandy drops the rock and prepares herself. Cut to Patrick walking in front of a blackboard.]
Patrick: We now return to one of my favorite scientifical [pulls down an astrology chart] topics: [points to it with a stick] astronomy! If you've ever thought, "coming up with my own personality is too hard," you're gonna love this!
[Patrick points to an illustration of SpongeBob as a centaur, drawing back a bow and arrow.]
Patrick: This sea horsey man is called [puts hand under it] "Saggy Terry." If you were born on a Tuesday in Jan-tember, Saggy Terry says you'll be [waves hands] very unlucky! Unless you order [the astrology slide is shown against an infomercial backdrop] Patrick Star's Scientific Guide to Astronomy. [the word "FREE!" drops down against a black backdrop] Order now and we'll throw in this free [screen flips around to show a crystal] healing crystal!
[Cut to Old Man Walker, in a room full of Patrick merch and wearing a tinfoil hat, dialing his phone after watching the ad.]
Old Man Walker: Hot diggity! I can cancel my doctor's appointment!
[Cut back to Patrick's bedroom door.]
Sandy: [opens top half of door] Hush your pie hole, Patrick! [slams bottom half of door] That's not astronomy!
Patrick: Huh?
Sandy: It's [snaps his pointer stick] astrology! And astrology ain't scientific. You can't go spouting off any old cockamamie thing and call it science.
Patrick: Well, but I have a lab coat.
Sandy: No, no. [sprays him with a bottle of water] No pseudoscience.
Patrick: [hisses like a cat]
Sandy: All right, kids, Sandy's here, so get ready for some genuine [swings fist] real science!
[Cut to an intro slide saying "How Does That Work?!". Patrick is in the corner, drooling.]
Narrator: How Does That Work?!
Patrick: [flickering lightbulb appears above his head] Uh...
[Cut to Patrick and Sandy standing on both sides of a covered object.]
Sandy: Say, Patrick, have you ever wondered how [takes off cloth to show a radio] a radio works?
Patrick: [waving hand, excitedly] Ooh, ooh, ooh! No!
Sandy: [unsure] Okay, well... [happily] Wouldn't it be neat if we could [takes out magnifying glass] look inside and see how it works?
Patrick: [interested] Yeah!
[He takes out a giant wooden hammer and smashes the radio.]
Sandy: Ah! You pulverized my radio! [shot of the broken radio]
Patrick: [inspecting] Where are all the elves that [rubs head with hammer] play the instruments?
[A drone with a hand and spray bottle comes down and sprays Patrick. He screams as he gets sprayed with water.]
Sandy: [pressing button to squirt Patrick] No pseudoscience! No!
[Patrick shields himself with the hammer. Cut back to the intro slide.]
Narrator: How Does That Work?!
Patrick: [flickering lightbulb appears above his head] Uh...
Sandy: [holds up two fingers] Take two!
[Cut to Patrick standing in an X-ray machine Sandy puts the screen over his stomach and grabs a lever.]
Sandy: All right, Patrick, you ready to see something you've never seen before?
[She flips the switch. An X-ray shows Patrick's stomach with a fork, slice of pizza, cupcake, and torn-up dollar bill in it.]
Patrick: Hey, I have seen this before! The TV is showing my lunch!
Sandy: Oh, Patrick, [shakes head] that's not a TV. It's an [eyes sparkle] X-ray [gestures to her body] of your insides.
Patrick: [gasps] That's inside me right now?
[He laughs, pushes the X-ray away, tears off his lab coat, and sticks his head into his belly button.]
Sandy: What in tarnation is he doin' in there? [pushes X-ray back]
[Patrick's head is in his stomach.]
Patrick: Pizza! [eats pizza] Ah. [pizza comes back down through his stomach] Ooh! More pizza! [eats it] Ah-- [pizza comes back down] ooh!
Sandy: What the-- [Patrick is heard eating the pizza] kids, [points] I don't know how he's doing this, [crosses arms] but that is absolutely not how the digestive system works!
[The screen transitions to Patrick and Sandy wearing goggles and at a table with a baking soda volcano.]
Sandy: All right, Patrick, time for a real easy experiment: [shot of volcano] the volcano! And we're fixin' to make it erupt with a chemical reaction derived from [holds containers of both] baking soda and vinegar.
Patrick: [scratches back of his head with goggles] So that's how volcanoes work.
Sandy: [chuckles, nervously] It's not a real volcano. It's a model!
Patrick: Nuh-uh! [gestures to a female model] This is a model!
Model: Pose! [poses, camera shutter clicks]
Sandy: [gives him containers] Here, you need to add precisely [reaches for a sponge and paper towels] one teaspoon of baking soda-- [alarm sound effect plays]
[Patrick is holding a giant spoon of baking soda, with his goggles on them.]
Patrick: One tea-spork of baking dust! [puts it in, goggles fall back on his head, starts stirring it] Get ready to learn!
[Baking soda foam floods the house. GrandPat is pushed up to the top.]
GrandPat: Hmm? Ow!
[Baking soda falls down the screen. Sandy wipes some of it off her shoulders. Patrick is standing under a tarp.]
Sandy: And now for our next real science topic... [pulls the tarp off Patrick, who is holding a sign that reads "Static Electricity"]
Patrick: [struggling to pronounce] Status, uh, eel--
Sandy: Static electricity! [takes GrandPat, who has a lightbulb hat and slippers, out of some baking soda] GrandPat Star will demonstrate how to build up a static charge by shuffling his feet.
GrandPat: Mm-mm! Ha! [shuffles his feet on the carpet]
Sandy: Just keep at it and we'll check back in on you in a little bit.
GrandPat: [laughs] I'll give it the ol' sawtucket shuffle! [starts sparking]
Sandy: For our next real experiment, we'll demonstrate that plants can hear.
Patrick: [squints] Wait, [leans forward and pretends to hear as an ear painting is behind him] what?
[A plant is in decorated room with classical music playing. It is drawing on a chalkboard.]
Sandy: We played this specimen only classical music, [adjusts knob on jukebox and a fish runs away] and look how it has affected its growth. He's even devising a theorem for Neptune's Paradox.
[The music slows down as Patrick draws pyramids and UFOs on the chalkboard.]
Patrick: [stops, then looks at Sandy] Pardon me.
[Without saying anything, Sandy holds up her spray bottle and sprays Patrick. Patrick doesn't react.]
[A plant with a nose ring and spiked boot is rocking out on a couch.]
Sandy: [covering ears] We played this one punk rock. [steps over pile of dirty clothes] Whoo! Now it refuses to clean its room and keeps talking about [makes air quotes] "fighting the man."
[The plant knocks over a speaker. Cut to a small sprout with a painting above it.]
Sandy: And this is our control group. We don't play it music at all.
Patrick: Oh, well, here's something that's not music! Squidward! [puts Squidward next to the plant]
Sandy: Oh, Patrick, I don't know.
Squidward: Oh, it's no trouble. I love playing for an audience that can't walk away.
Plant: [whimpers]
[Squidward plays the clarinet badly. The plant grows quickly.]
Sandy: Creepin' kudzu, look at it grow! I guess the plant likes it.
[The plant growls and bites Squidward.]
Squidward: [sputtering]
Sandy: Or not.
[The plant spits out Squidward, sending him through the walls of the house and into space. Patrick looks at the scene on a crystal ball.]
Patrick: This crystal ball [cut to show him rubbing Sandy's helmet] said that would happen!
[Sandy sprays him with water again. Transition to a live-action space background. Patrick, dressed like Carl Sagan, talks to the audience.]
Patrick: Space. In the vast biggy-ness of our universe [gestures to stars] lie billions and billions of dots. [points to small star] Some dots are small.
[Squidward flies by, screaming.]
Patrick: Some dots are loud. [takes the ring off Saturn] And this dot has its own donut! [flicks planet away and eats the ring]
[Saturn zooms past the S.S. Super Minnow. Pat-Tron is playing Pong on a screen. A monitor descends with Saturn and a ? mark.]
Pat-Tron: Captain, [turns his head around, still playing the game] there's an anomaly with the planet Saturn.
Quasar: Put it on display, Pat-Tron. [looks at the screen to see Patrick] Oh, no! It's a Celestial Patrick, Devourer of Worlds. [activates alarm] Battle stations, Pat-Tron! [points] That gastric giant must be [hits fist against palm] stopped! [objects come out of the ship] Charge capacitors. Raise shields. [voice gets high-pitched as Patrick looks at the tiny ship] Engage ion thrusters.
Patrick: Ooh, a sprinkle!
Quasar: Batten down the hyperdrive!
Patrick: [eats the spaceship]
[Zoom out to show Sandy watching this on TV.]
Sandy: This ain't science! It's barely science fiction!
[She presses a button on her remote. Her treedome opens and a rocket comes out. She flies up Patrick.]
Sandy: [angrily] Patrick!
Patrick: Aww, [touches fingers together] are you gonna spray me again?
Sandy: I want to, [holds out arm with empty spray bottle] but there's no water in space. [arm whirs and retracts, ship flies away]
Patrick: No water? Uh-oh.
[Patrick shrivels up in space and turns into a yellow star. Zoom out to show Patrick with a lab coat, looking through a telescope.]
Patrick: And that is how a star is made. Isn't astrology fascinating?
[Zoom out to show him standing on the TV, Sandy taps her foot.]
Patrick: Aww, man. I'm doing it again, aren't I?
Sandy: Mm-hmm.
Patrick: [sprays himself with water, whimpers]
[Suddenly, electricity shocks the outside of the house. Light streams out of the windows.]
Sandy: What the? What in tarnation is going on?
[GrandPat is still shuffling around inside.]
GrandPat: Mm-hmm! Work it, work it, work it!
Sandy: [slaps forehead] Oh, no! We forgot about GrandPat! He done got [eyes go blue] static supercharged.
GrandPat: Hmm-hmm! [ding] Ah! [laughs]
[He floats into the air. The lightbulb breaks. He gets shocked and turns completely blue. His eyeballs are blank white. He comes out of the house in a burst of electricity.]
GrandPat: [cackling] Cower before me, Bikini Bottom! [laughs and flies to the city] Witness my [lifts buildings] unlimited power! [slams buildings to the ground]
Sandy: We gotta fight electricity with electricity!
[She rips up the carpet, rolls Patrick in it, and puts him on a treadmill. She turns it on and holds Patrick against it. Patrick becomes supercharged and flies into the wall.]
Sandy: Did it work?
[Patrick sparks. His body turns blue and his eyes go blank. He explodes the house and comes out in a beam of electricity.]
Sandy: [comes out of rubble] Go get 'em, Patrick! [falls over]
[Patrick flies to Bikini Bottom and faces GrandPat.]
Patrick: That will be enough, GrandPat.
GrandPat: Eh, go suck an egg! [throws boatmobile]
Patrick: [boat flies behind him] I see. Well, I guess I'll solve this through the process of... [grabs house] elimination!
[GrandPat is filing his fingernails. The house smashes him into the ground. Patrick hits him with it a few more times, smashing him deeper into a hole.]
Patrick: Feel the weight of the evidence.
[GrandPat breaks the house apart and throws the pieces at Patrick.]
GrandPat: [cackling]
Patrick: [dodges pieces] Missed me. Huh?
[A man in a bathtub is stuck to Patrick butt.]
Man: Oh. [chuckles] Pardon me. I'll just be going. [takes water and jumps out, screams]
GrandPat: [appears behind Patrick's head] Surprise! [laughs and blasts Patrick]
[Patrick dodges some more lightning blasts, then farts out a beam of electricity at GrandPat. Electricity blasts fly around the city. Fred is impatiently waiting for a chicken leg on a barbecue to cook. The lightning fries it.]
Fred: [laughs] My leg! [electricity fries his legs to a single bone] My leg!
[Cut to Slappy downtown with his cell phone.]
Slappy: Oh, rats. [shakes phone] I forgot to charge my phone. [electricity strikes him, reducing him to a skeleton] Go for Slappy. [disintegrates as he walks away]
[GrandPat throws a ball of electricity that knocks Patrick out of the sky.]
Sandy: [runs to him] Patrick! Are y'all okay?
Patrick: [tired] Just taking a little [gives thumbs up] super power nap. [collapses]
[GrandPat laughs, grabs a bus and some buildings, and adds them to a giant ball.]
GrandPat: Hey, Patrick, wanna learn about gravity? [cackles]
Sandy: Talk about a failed experiment!
GrandPat: Ooh, this day is turning out just like my horoscope predicted!
Patrick: [gets up] Horoscope? But that's... [grunts and looks angry, blasts back off into the air]
GrandPat: [laughing, sees Patrick] Huh?
[Patrick raises a spray bottle full of water.]
Sandy: Yes, Patrick. [eyes sparkle] It's pseudoscience.
Patrick: Strudel science!
Sandy: Eh, close enough.
[Patrick sprays GrandPat with the spray bottle. He gets electrocuted and falls to the ground, the ball of objects crushing him. Patrick lands on the ground and unzips his superpowered body, revealing his usual outfit underneath.]
Patrick: Wow, Sandy, we did it! We used science to stop him and save the day.
[Metal thunks. GrandPat comes out of the ball.]
GrandPat: Ha! You didn't stop me! [charges electricity] Nothing can stop--
[Sandy takes a crystal out of a bag and slams it on GrandPat's head. He gets the energy sucked out of him, babbles, and falls over.]
Sandy: [holding bag] Gee, I reckon pseudoscience is good for something after all. So if you've released a super villain due to your own scientific negligence, [walks to a shelf of crystals as an infomercial screen appears again] try out our latest assortment of gems and essential oils! They're great for bonkin', bashin', and smashin. When science attacks, they're sure to be a [swings fist] knockout!
Patrick: [as an anvil cut-in appears] Call now and we'll throw in other heavy objects!
[Cut back to Old Man Walker watching TV. He picks up the phone.]
Old Man Walker: Yes, hello? I'll take your heaviest object.
[A crystal with "The End" chiseled on it crushes Old Man Walker and sparkles.]