Driven to Drive/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Driven to Drive/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [The episode zooms in to a view of the lawn. Patrick appears in front of the camera.]
• Patrick: Hey, everybody! [walks on-stage with a propeller cap] This week's episode is all about [curtains open to show an illustration of a boat] boats! [puts propeller on his butt, spins it, scoots around] Vroom, vroom! Ahh-ehh-ehh!
• Squidina: [runs in] What a great idea [grabs a camera] for a show!
• Patrick: [launches out of the TV set and drives to a locked shed, crashed] Oof! And as a special treat, GrandPat gave us permission to see his [gestures to shed] classic boat collection. He said to me, [raises finger] Patrick, you can see them [imitating GrandPat] over my dead body! Fortunately, [picks up GrandPat's body, audience gasps and claps] we have it with us today.
• GrandPat: [opens eyes] I'm not dead! I was just in a coma!
• Patrick: [pinches GrandPat's head and uses it to pick the lock] Let's see here...
• GrandPat: [grunting]
• Patrick: [lock falls off] There!
• GrandPat: Put me down!
• Patrick: Okay! [drops him, thuds]
• GrandPat: [groaning]
• [The shed opens.]
• Patrick: Voila!
• Squidina: [sets up camera] This episode is going to be great [zooms out to show boats] for our ratings.
• Patrick: I will now begin pointing at boats. [points at boat] Boat. [points at camera] Boat.
• GrandPat: [throws Patrick away] Get out of here, [Patrick crashes and a car horn is heard] you buffoon! Let me do the talking. [gestures to wooden boat] I bought this wooden spiral beauty from Leonardo da Fishy himself. [steps over to a funeral procession boat] This boat I "borrowed" from a widow who left the keys in the ignition. [steps over to a coffin boat] I borrowed this one from the widow's husband. [steps to a giant stone wheel] And here's an oldie but a goodie.
• Patrick: [gets in the wheel] Hey, I want to drive! Vroom, vroom! [speeds backwards and crushes GrandPat, loud crash against the cars] Oh yeah, I don't know how to drive.
• [In the dining room, Cecil is reading a newspaper. An alarm blares and his mustache shakes.]
• Cecil: [touches mustache] Oh no, my dad sense is tingling! Patrick needs me for a father-and-son teaching moment. [kicks table away, twirls through roof] And away! [loud clattering]
• Bunny: Soup's on, dear! [places a bowl of soup in mid-air and walks away]
• GrandPat: [grumbling, cracks back] Oh. At least my [gestures to a red boatmobile] vintage beauty is untouched.
• [The boat gets pushed against the ceiling and crushed by Cecil arriving under it with his station wagon.]
• GrandPat: [yelps]
• Cecil: Son, it's time for me to teach you how to drive.
• Patrick: [jumps, waves arms] Yay!
• Squidina: Oh boy! A remote segment. [raises finger and runs away] I need to go get my mobile camera rig. [leans back into screen] Wait for me out front.
• Cecil: [stands on car, drives over GrandPat and picks Patrick up] Okay. In the meantime, let's go over the basics. Step one-- how to properly enter and exit the vehicle. I like to jump through the window like a [raises eyebrow] cool dude.
• [Cecil jumps into the car through the window and buckles his seatbelt. Patrick crashes in through the roof.]
• Patrick: Through the sunroof is even cooler. [loud crash]
• [The car crashes through the shed and past the lawnies, who run away screaming. It drives into the house and through the living room.]
• Cecil: Step two-- [takes out checklist] review the pre-drive checklist. [takes out seatbelt and puts it on Patrick] Seat belt, check. [puts wheel on Patrick] Steering wheel, check. [car crashes into kitchen, up fridge, and through ceiling, Cecil slurps soup] Soup. [slurps] Mmm, delicious. Check, please. [loud crash, Patrick and Cecil fall through the front windshield, Cecil runs to the back and sees the tires] Tires, check. [car falls on them] Now we are ready to drive. Start the engine, son. [Patrick pulls the ripcord, engine rumbles, they drive off] And we're off!
• [The car drives through the city streets.]
• Patrick: [nervously driving, whimpering]
• Cecil: [with a pencil and clipboard] You're doing great. Go right. [the car does] Go left. [the car does, a lady is at a stop] Now, gently slam on the brakes, and pick up this nice lady. [the lady gets in] I'm also working my latest [presses button] temp job [taxi sign appears on the car] for a taxi service. Where to, ma'am?
• Lady: I'm having a baby! Get me to the hospital! [hyperventilating]
• Cecil: You know what that means. Put the pedal to the metal. [tires squealing, boat weaves between others] It's OK to ignore all the rules of the road when it's an emergency. Or when you're bored.
• Lady: [in Patrick's face] Drive! Faster!
• [Patrick speeds up and a cloud of exhaust comes from the car. Two race cars drive up. They go into a motor speedway, making laps.]
• Lady: The [grabs Patrick's face and shakes it] baby's coming!
• Patrick: Oh! Well, then, better make a pit stop.
• [He stops at the side of the road. Tools clatter. When the car drives off, the mechanics are holding the woman's baby as she looks relieved. The baby starts walking and then falls on its face.]
• Patrick: [exhales]
• Cecil: Great job. Now use your hand signals to gently merge back into traffic.
• [Patrick sticks out his left hand and merges left. Race cars drive by, disintegrating his hand.]
• Cecil: I know it's hard for beginners. That's why your dad has a secret trick. When in doubt, close your eyes and floor it.
• Patrick: [grows hand with fingers, salutes] Aye-aye, captain! [floors it]
• [He drives through the walls of the speedway, with the race cars following him. He overtakes them and Cecil looks behind, then ahead.]
• Cecil: Stooop!
• [A Bridge Out sign is seen. Patrick stops the car. The race cars drive through, fall off the broken bridge, and explode.]
• Patrick and Cecil: [look on in horror]
• Cecil: [gasps] That was a close one. We almost ran over that half-eaten cupcake! [a robot arm gives the cupcake to Cecil and he eats it] Mmm. All right, son. Let's continue with your lesson.
• [Patrick drives the car off the bridge. Wings come out and safely bring it to the ground. It keeps driving.]
• Cecil: [pointing] Ooh, lookee there. A customer.
• Lady Upturn: [waving handkerchief] Yoo-hoo! Taxi!
• Cecil: Perfect! She looks loaded.
• [Cecil stops and a taxi drives up to them. The taxi driver squints and makes a throat slitting gesture.]
• Patrick: [waving] Hi!
• Cecil: [grabs Patrick's hand] No, son. He's the competition. You got to give him the [pops eye out] stink-eye and rev the engine threateningly.
• Patrick: [eye pops out, revs engine]
• [The stoplight turns green. The taxi peels out. Patrick's car hops backwards twice and drives. The taxi rams Patrick's car.]
• Cecil: So he wants to play dirty, huh? Deploy the spy gear.
• Patrick: [presses the stereo which flips to reveal panels with weapons, presses jacks] Some of these guys, [presses oil] a couple of these, [presses jellyfish] and a bunch of those.
• [A mechanical hand drops jacks on the road, another pours barrels of oil, and a third releases a barrel of jellyfish.]
• Taxi driver: [gasps, presses buttons]
• [His car grows stilts to avoid the jacks, skis to slide on the oil, and gets mobbed by jellyfish, but wipes them away with the windshield wipers. Both cars drive past Lady Upturn.]
• Lady Upturn: [gasps]
• [The taxi drives behind Patrick's car, to the side and overtakes it, then drives faster.]
• Cecil: All right, son. Time to pull out the big guns.
• [Patrick presses a skull button. A rock opens and a family of ducks walk out on a platform.]
• Ducks: [quacking]
• Taxi driver: Mother of pearl! [brakes]
• [The mother duck shakes her fist angrily and the rest of the ducks cross the road. Patrick's car overtakes them.]
• Cecil: Ha-ha!
• Patrick: [blows raspberry, sees something ahead and turns Cecil's head] Dad?
• [A hitchhiker in a cloak and hat is seen.]
• Cecil: Ooh, a hitchhiker!
• Patrick: He looks kind of shifty.
• Cecil: We always pick up hitchhikers, son. They have the best conspiracy theories.
• [They stop and the hitchhiker gets in the back seat.]
• Patrick: [nervous laugh] Where to?
• Hitchhiker: [deep voice] Just drive. [coughs, lifts hat to show it's Rube] Oh, pardon me. Just drive, please. [they drive, Rube takes off his coat] Golly, it's hot in here. I know y'all got AC. Ooh! [turns the AC up, freezing Cecil and Patrick in ice] Ooh, a music box. [plays loud rock music] That's an amazing sound system!
• Cecil: [grunts, ice shatters] Don't touch my--
• Rube: [gasps, presses against window] Wow, will you look at that? [jellyfish flies by] Is that a jellyfish?
• Cecil: [struggling to breathe, seatbelt suffocates him] Patrick, we gotta get this guy out of here.
• Patrick: Way ahead of you. I'm going to crash the car! [drives faster]
• Rube: Well, thanks for the ride, fellas. Remember, I was never here.
• [Rube fades away and disappears. The car crashes into a brick wall.]
• Cecil and Patrick: [groaning]
• Patrick: Huh? Where'd he go?
• Cecil: Well, that took care of that. Let's hit the road!
• French Narrator: Now leaving... The Tidal Zone.
• [The car drives past a sign with said text on it. Al Gristlepuss is behind it on a motorcycle. He follows Patrick.]
• Al: All right, pal. [makes grabbing hand motion] Let's see your license!
• Patrick: I don't have one!
• Cecil: Go easy on him, Officer. [grabs Patrick's face] He's just a kid. He's learning.
• Al: Well, why didn't you say so? [takes out his son and puts him on the headlights] My kid's learning too.
• Al Jr.: Go, go, go!
• Cecil: [laughs] They're so cute at that age.
• Al: [chuckles] They sure are. All right, sir. Let's see your license.
• Cecil: Oh. Uh, I don't have one either.
• Al: [gasps] Son, Daddy's about to help you collar your first perp. [Al Jr. puts on sunglasses] Pull over now!
• Cecil: No thank you, Officer! [to Patrick, tapping head] He can't arrest us if we get our licenses first. [bugle charge plays, points ahead] To the DMB! [boat whinnies and speeds off]
• Al: [hits his son's helmet]
• Al Jr.: [imitates siren wailing]
• [Al's motorcycle follows Patrick and Cecil.]
• Patrick: [worried] What if I can't pass my driving test?
• Cecil: [takes off Patrick's head] Son, look at me. You're a great driver, and you are going to pass that test!
• Patrick: Whoo! [airhorn blares, they drive through the front doors of the Department of Motor Boats Bikini Bottom] Yay, we made it!
• Al Jr.: [faintly imitating siren wailing]
• Cecil: Hold the celebration, son. He's still on our tail.
• Patrick and Cecil: [whimpering]
• [They get in line, with Al behind them.]
• Patrick: [driving slowly] Come on, come on. He's getting closer.
• Cecil: But so are we. Look!
• Patrick: Ohh!
• [There is an empty booth up ahead.]
• Loudspeaker voice: Next, please.
• Patrick: [drives up] Hello.
• Cecil: [appears behind booth] How can I help you today?
• Patrick: Dad?
• Cecil: [appears in car] Hi, son. Uh, that taxi gig wasn't really working out, [puts taxi sign down] so I'm temping at the DMB today.
• Patrick: Whoo-hoo! [Cecil moves back to the booth] This will be easy! [sticks out hand] One license, please.
• Cecil: [pushes hand away] I'm sorry, son. I saw your driving today, and there's no way I could give you a license after all those moving violations.
• Cecil: [sad] But Dad, I thought you said I was a good driver. [whimpering]
• Cecil: [takes picture] Gotcha! Ha-ha! [holds out license] Just a little DMB humor. [gives him license] Here's your license, son.
• [Patrick's license has a picture of him about to cry on it.]
• Patrick: I finally did it! After almost 11 minutes of hard work and practice, [noisemakers sound] I got my license to drive!
• Al Jr.: [imitating siren wailing] Hand it over, pal.
• Patrick: [sighs, gives him the license]
• Al: No more driving for you, bub. [puts the license in his Shred 3000, the shredded bits form a frowning face] All right, Junior. Our work here is done. Let's roll!
• [Al Jr. drives the car away, through the DMB wall The guy who almost got hit by Patrick while entering screams and jumps out of the way.]
• Cecil: [moves in front of Patrick] Your mother won't be happy about the car getting impounded.
• Patrick: But at least we got a good episode out of it, [elbows air] right, Squidina? [wide shot, nobody else is there] Um, Squidina?
• [Cut to Squidina exiting the house with roller skates and a camera with a helmet.]
• Squidina: OK, guys, let's get this show on the road. [blinks, looks around] Guys? [wide shot] Guys?