Dying for Pie/transcript

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[Squidward is dressed in island clothes and playing the piano on an island. He hits one of the notes but realizes it's a sour note and he keeps hitting it. The sound is coming form SpongeBob hitting a bell]
SpongeBob Order up, Squidward!
[Squidward wakes up from his dream while his alarm clock goes off. Cut to Squidward driving to work. Zoom in on one of his bumper stickers that reads "Don’t Ask Me About My Day." Squidward walks up to the front doors and SpongeBob follows him from inside, smiling. Squidward walks inside]
SpongeBob Hey, hey Squidward, did you see me? [Squidward walks inside without saying a word.] Okay, see you later, Squidnator.
Mr. Krabs Good morning, Mr. Squidward. [Squidward sticks his out his tongue] So, are you ready?
Squidward To go home?
Mr. Krabs No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day.
Squidward Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register and take orders and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards [points at SpongeBob] ...that guy.
[SpongeBob is washing a table with a scrubber. He scrubs his face and gets it scrambled. He laughs]
Mr. Krabs That attitude of yours is precisely why we’re having this little shenanigan. Now pay attention, the lad’s got a surprise for you.
SpongeBob Squidward, in honor of employee brotherhood, I present to you a gift. [holds up a sweater] Ta-da! [zoom in to show it's a picture of a heart with Squidward's face on it]
Squidward "I heart you..."
Mr. Krabs Try it on, Mr. Squidward! It’s got you written all over it. [laughs]. [Squidward has a hard time putting the sweater over his head]
SpongeBob I wasn’t sure how big to make the hole for the head, so I used a watermelon for size. [Squidward gets the sweater over his head] Do you love it?
Squidward [starts scratching the sweater] It’s a little itchy. What’s this thing made of? [cut to SpongeBob with no eyelashes or eyebrows]
SpongeBob Eyelashes! [Squidward throws the sweater at SpongeBob, causing him to whimper]
Squidward Now may I resume to my minimum-wage duties?
Mr. Krabs After you present your brotherhood gift.
Squidward I’ll buy the little twerp a gumball.
Mr. Krabs Oh no, no, no, no, lad; you know the rules—you have to make the gift.
Squidward [walks to the doors] The only thing I’m making is for the exit. [opens up the door to see SpongeBob with a new sweater made out of a clear liquid]
SpongeBob Is this any better, Squidward? I made this one with my tears.[sniffs] [Squidward sighs and walks towards the kitchen]
Mr. Krabs I knew you’d come around, boy. Make something nice.
Squidward Why can’t I just buy something for the little weirdo?
Captain Heave-ho! [Squidward looks and sees some pirates outside carrying some pies onto the ship] If you drop one slice of me booty, I’ll have...your booty!
Squidward Hi, there. Those homemade pies sure look good.
Pirate Oh, these aren’t homemade. They’re from a factory...a bomb factory. They’re bombs.
Squidward Oh, well, that’s too bad. I thought they were pies and I wanted to buy one. [holds up money]
Captain Wait! [jumps down off the ship] We were just kidding about all that bomb stuff. That’ll be 25 bucks, please.
Squidward So, what flavor is it?
Pirates[all talking at once] Cherry. Apple. Raspberry.
Squidward Well, if it’ll get old man Mr. Krabs off my back. [Squidward gives the pirate the money. Cut to Squidward placing the pie on Mr. Krabs' desk] Okay, here it is, Mr. Krabs, fresh from the oven. I’ll be returning to my life now.
Mr. Krabs Not yet. I got to make sure you did it right. [about to put a piece in his mouth] Wait a second... this would go great with some milk! [while walking to the milk, he trips over a book and the piece of pie flies into the milk, causing an explosion] So, you tried to kill me over a little new aged management, eh?
Squidward But Mr. Krabs, I had no idea. I can explain! [cut to inside Mr. Krabs' office]
SpongeBob Mr. Krabs, are you okay? I heard a... wow! A pie! [looks at the card attached to it] It’s from Squidward. [reading] "To SpongeBob... Well, here you go."
Squidward And that’s what happened.
Mr. Krabs 25 dollars? A bomb?
Squidward & Mr. Krabs In the Krusty Krab? [both run back into the office but the pie is not there]
Mr. Krabs That’s where you left it.
Squidward It’s not there.
SpongeBob Hey guys. [licks his fingers then rubs his belly] Thanks for the pie, Squidward.[sings] La, la, lalalalalala.[skips out]
Mr. Krabs You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears and you kill him. How are you gonna live with yourself?
Squidward Kill him? [Squidward imagines SpongeBob taking a tray to a customer]
SpongeBob Here’s your order, sir.
Customer Thanks. [SpongeBob explodes and pieces of SpongeBob fly everywhere]
Squidward No, no! What we got... we got to call the hospital!
Mr. Krabs Won’t do any good, I’ve seen this before. When that pie goes up to bat, I mean, hits his lower intestine... boom!
Squidward You’ve seen this before?
Mr. Krabs Eleven times as a matter of fact. [Squidward runs over to a phone and dials the hospital]
Squidward Yes, hello, doctor? Hospital? It won’t do any good? Eleven times? [hangs up] Oh, he’s a goner. How do we tell him? [both look out the window and see SpongeBob cheerfully wiping off a table, apparently having forgotten about the earlier incident]
Mr. Krabs Don’t tell him. That’ll only make him feel worse. By the way I see it, he’s only got till sunset. Why ruin his last day on earth? The lad deserves to enjoy his final hours. [walks away]
Squidward [tears up] You’re right, Mr. Krabs! [sobs] I’m gonna make SpongeBob’s final hours the best he’s ever had. And this time, there’s gonna be love—so much, that he’s gonna drown in it. [opens the door then turns around, smiling] Drown in it! [walks out]
Mr. Krabs [writes on a notepad] Note to self: watch out for Squidward.
[Cut to Squidward walking over to SpongeBob, who is singing happily and wiping the table]
Squidward Uh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob[cheerfully] Yes?
Squidward I forgot to tell you, there’s a part two to your gift.
SpongeBob Part two? [bounces up and down] Part two, part two, part two, part two... [Squidward grabs him]
Squidward Please, don’t do that.
SpongeBob What’s for part two?
Squidward Well, what’s the most fun thing you can think of? [SpongeBob takes out a list]
SpongeBob Actually, I keep a list of the fun things I like to do. I call it my friendship list.
Squidward Great. Uh, let me see it. [looks at the list]
SpongeBob The things that are extra fun, I’ve written in red.

Squidward Everything’s in red.
SpongeBob Yeah, I know.
Squidward We’d better start now if we want to get through this list before you die... of anticipation.
SpongeBob Then let’s roll! [both walk out] Bye, Mr. Krabs. [Mr. Krabs cries and puts a "Help Wanted" sign in the window] Heads up, Squidward—looks like they’re gonna replace you.
Squidward Uh, yeah. Let’s take a look at that list.SpongeBob: Well, the first thing I want to do is show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town. [cut to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to a businessman] Hi there, this is my best friend, Squidward. [cut to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to some kids] Hey kids, check it out! This is my best friend, Squidward. [one of the kids throws a rock at Squidward's head. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking up to a fish sitting on a bench] Hi, I want to show you my best friend, Squidward.
Squidward Hey Frank. [montage ends] Glad that’s over.
SpongeBob Good, 'cause we’re onto our next activity.
Squidward Which is...?
SpongeBob I’m going to show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town wearing a salmon suit.
Squidward You’re going to be wearing a salmon suit?
SpongeBob [laughs] That’s a good one Squidward. [cut to Squidward in a salmon suit in front of some kids. All the kids throw rocks at Squidward. Cut to SpongeBob checking off the item on his list] Next. [SpongeBob and Squidward sit by a rock] Knock-knock jokes! Hey Squid, knock-knock.
Squidward Who’s there?
SpongeBob I am! [laughs]Squidward: [laughs weakly] Oh, yeah... [SpongeBob checks the knock-knock jokes off his list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking backwards]
SpongeBob [imitates the beeping of a back up alarm] Look out everyone, friends in reverse! [continues beeping. Checks off this item off the list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward making noises with their tongues out of their mouths while moving their hands back and forth in front of their face. SpongeBob checks the item off his list. Cut to Squidward walking with SpongeBob as his face]
SpongeBob Turn left, and... stop. See, that’s what it would be like if you had me for a face.
Squidward I can’t breathe. [SpongeBob checks that off his list. Cut to SpongeBob performing open-heart surgery on Squidward] Are you sure you should be poking it like that?
SpongeBob Who’s the doctor here? [heart squirts blood. SpongeBob checks his operation off the list as well as some other items while he laughs] The last thing on the list is...
Squidward Does it involve more dismemberment?
SpongeBob Watch the sunset with Squidward.Squidward: Sunset? [thinks about what Mr. Krabs said earlier in a though balloon]
Mr. Krabs The way I see it, the lad’s got until sunset before that bomb hits his lower intestine.
SpongeBob Hey, it’s Mr. Krabs! Hi, Mr. Krabs. [Mr. Krabs cries and runs off] Okay, see you later.
Squidward C’mon buddy, you want a sunset, you’ll get a sunset.
SpongeBob Ah, underwater sunsets sure are beautiful eh, Squidward?
SquidwardYeah.
SpongeBob Yeah, this is great, just the three of us. You, me, [a brick wall is shown between the two] ...and this brick wall that you built between us.
Squidward Yeah. [laughs nervously]
SpongeBobSunsets always remind me of bowls of fruit. What do they make you think of, Squidward? [Squidward imagines SpongeBob exploding]
Squidward Explosions... I mean, erosion.
SpongeBob You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay. [Squidward tears up. SpongeBob burps] Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. [smells the aroma] Hey, smells like cherry. Or maybe grape. Blueberry? [the sun starts to go down] Here it is, the sunset! I always love to count it down. Five... You do the rest, buddy.
Squidward Four... three... two... one... [nothing happens]
SpongeBob I guess we started too early. Let’s start again.
Squidward Five... four... three.... [an explosion is heard from behind the wall] two... [cries] o-o-o-one...Well, at least I was able to make his last few hours meaningful. I am such a good person. [another explosion is seen behind the wall but it knocks it down on top of Squidward this time. SpongeBob is blowing some bomb-shaped bubbles]
SpongeBob Hey Squidward, check this out! [Squidward gets up and mutters] Squidward, we already played 'babble like an idiot'.
Squidward Why are you still here?
SpongeBob Well, since we finished everything the list, I thought I’d make up a new one. [holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever"] I already filled up this book of ideas. We should be able to finish by January.
Squidward [slaps book away] Forget the book! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because you were supposed to explode!
SpongeBob You want me to explode?
Squidward Yes! That’s what I’ve been waiting for.
SpongeBob Um, okay, I’ll try. [grunts and then yells] GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT! [laughs] Now it’s your turn.
Squidward [yells] THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!
SpongeBob Oh, good one.Squidward: No! I mean you were supposed to explode into a million pieces.
SpongeBob Why would I do that?
Squidward Because the pie you ate was a bomb.
SpongeBob What pie?
Squidward The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for twenty-five dollars and I didn’t know it was a bomb and you ate it...that pie.
SpongeBob Pie...pie... [takes out a pie] Oh, you mean this pie. I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let’s eat. [walks forward and trips on a rock] Oops! [pie flies into Squidward's face in slow-motion causing an explosion the size of an atomic bomb]
Squidward Ouch.