Sitcom Stars/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Sitcom Stars/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[Bunny is carrying a plate in the Star family kitchen. Applause and cheers are heard.]
Announcer: The Patrick Star Show is filmed before a live studio audience.
Bunny: [to the toaster] All right, toaster. Spit it out, you little rascal.
Toaster: [making a head shaking motion] Mm! Mm, mm, mm! [laughter]
Bunny: I said give me that toast! [the toaster launches burnt toast onto her face] Ooh! [laughter]
Cecil: [off-screen] Oh, Bunny! I'm home! [cheers and applause as he sets his hat and tie on a hanger] Mmm, toast! Burnt, just the way I like it. [walks to the table]
Patrick: [appears, cheers and applause] Save some burnt for me! [runs into the kitchen]
[Crickets are heard chirping as GrandPat walks in. A cough is heard as he scratches his butt and walks to the table. Cheers and applause as Squidina enters.]
Squidina: Huh? [looks around, then shrugs as she walks to the table] Ehh.
Patrick: [with a fork and spoon at the table] Oh, boy, oh, boy. I cannot wait to have boss for dinner.
Cecil: Boss? Dinner?
Patrick: [as Cecil drinks his coffee] Yup, that's what it says on today's menu! [uses his fork to point to the calendar on the wall, which reads "SEPT. 5: Boss Dinner!]
Cecil: [spits his coffee in Patrick's face, laughter as he tosses his coffee mug away] I completely forgot I invited the boss from one of my temp jobs over for dinner tonight! [audience gasps] He'll be here any minute. Nothing's ready! [drops his head onto the table] I just wanted to make a good impression and now I've blown it!
Bunny: [squishes Cecil's face] Nonsense, Mr. Frowny Face. [puts her arm around Cecil] As long as you've got your family...
Patrick, Squidina, and GrandPat: Everything's gonna be just dandy!
[The audience "aww"s as the Star family hug each other, then the audience applauds. The front doorbell rings.]
Cecil: Oh, no, that must be him! [opens the front door] Welcome to our humble abode, Mr. Nana. Uh, just in time for dinner.
[Laughter as the camera pans down to Mr. Nana at the front door.]
Mr. Nana: Cecil, please, we're not at the office. Call me Ben.
Cecil: Oh, not a problem... Ben. Come on in and meet my family. This is Bunny, Squidina, GrandPat, and Patrick. [Bunny and Squidina eloquently pull at their dresses, while GrandPat does the same with his skin]
GrandPat: [slaps the banana Patrick is eating out of his hand, chuckles and grins, laughter]
Patrick: [grins and chuckles nervously, laughter]
Bunny: [as Mr. Nana has a deadpan expression] Right this way, Mr. Nana. [cheers and applause as Squidina and GrandPat gesture to the kitchen as Mr. Nana enters it] Make yourself at home. [winks at Cecil, cheers and applause]
Cecil: [wipes sweat off his forehead] Phew! [doorbell rings] Who could that be? [opens the door to see his other boss at the door] Mr. Rilla? My boss from the zoo?
Mr. Rilla: [snorts, audience gasps]
Cecil: One second! [slams the door and runs back to the kitchen, where everyone and Mr. Nana is seated at the table]
Mr. Nana: Is everything all right? I thought I heard a doorbell.
Cecil: Oh, it's no one. Must've been a ghost that rang the doorbell. [nervous chuckle] Sure am afraid of ghosts. [laughter and applause, then hides under the table and huddles the Star family together with his arms] Psst, family meeting. Under the table, discreetly. [the other Star family members hide under the table, and Mr. Nana looks at him] Uh, whoops! Dinner table's on the fritz again. [holds up wrench] Better go check under the hood. [hides under the table] Family, we got a problem. [as Mr. Rilla is screeching and banging at the front door] I accidentally invited two of my bosses over. But listen, the bosses cannot see each other! My good reputation is at stake. And Mr. Rilla will probably try to eat Mr. Nana.
Patrick: [mouth full of bananas, laughter] What? The monster!
Squidina: [confused by the laughter] Don't worry, Dad. We'll keep Ben out of sight in the kitchen, and you can keep Rilla in the living room.
Bunny: Ooh! And I'll make two meals. [brings out two platters; opens the second one so Patrick can spit his bananas onto it] One with bananas for the gorilla, [lifts the second platter to show a normal meal] and one without bananas for the banana!
Cecil: Great idea, hon! We got this! [cheers and applause; gets up from under the table] All good. Might as well fix that ghost-infested door while I'm at it. [laughter, chuckles and runs to the front door, which Mr. Rilla is still banging on; opens the front door] Uh, sorry for the-- [gets hit by Mr. Rilla's fist, screams as he is sent into the wall] Well, I wanted to make a good impression.
[Laughter as the scene fades to black, then fades back in. Applause.]
Cecil: [walking Mr. Rilla inside] Boy, oh, boy. We sure are excited you're here. When I told the kids you were coming, they went ape! [laughter, Mr. Rilla snorts] They even, uh, prepared some pre-dinner entertainment. Right, guys? [Patrick and Squidina walk in with deadpan expressions]
Patrick: [shakes his head] No, we didn't.
Squidina: [quickly grabs Patrick's mouth, grins, and chuckles nervously; laughter] Uh, w-what he means is, it's right here in the trunk! [spins Patrick around and opens his literal trunk, grabbing a tire on a rope as a laughter plays, and tossing it to create a tire swing in the living room] Tire swing, and finger paint. [sets down pieces of paper and finger paints]
Mr. Rilla: Ooh?
Squidina: Enjoy!
Mr. Rilla: [happily dances in place and claps his hands; loud cheers as he uses the finger paints while using the tire swing]
Bunny: [to Cecil] Uh, honey, our guest needs to go in there and use the little bananas' room.
Cecil: Oh, no! The bosses will see each other! [approaches Mr. Rilla as he is chewing on the tire] Say, Mr. Rilla, have you seen our, uh... [holds a lamp shade] famous Star family lamp shade? [puts the lamp shade on Mr. Rilla's head, laughter] Take a gander!
Bunny: [gesturing to the bathroom] Right this way, Mr. Nana.
Mr. Nana: [walking into the living room] Thank you. [shocked] Precious potassium! [pulls Cecil aside to look at the lamp shade] Is that...
[Cecil tugs on his shirt as the audience gasps.]
Mr. Nana: ...not the most beautiful lamp I've ever seen? [laughter and applause; is about to pull the lamp cord] Can I turn it on?
Cecil: [grabs Mr. Nana's hand] Whoops! Sorry, lamp's broken. [redirects Mr. Nana to the bathroom] But, uh, the toilet sure isn't. [shoves Mr. Nana away, laughter] Go see for yourself! [takes the lamp shade off of Mr. Rilla's head] So, what did you think of the lamp shade? [Mr. Rilla growls, then punches Cecil away] Whoa! [crashes into another wall] Maybe that idea was a little... dim. [laughter as he falls over]
[Fade to black, then fade back to a shot of the Star house. Cheers and applause. Mr. Rilla is now seated with most of the Star family.]
Cecil: Here you are, Mr. Rilla. Head of the table.
Bunny: Dinner is almost ready. [takes one of her oven mitts off as a toilet flushes]
Mr. Nana: [enters and adjusts his tie] Strange toilet you have here. Must be European. [Cecil tackles him and sends them into the living room]
Cecil: Hey there, Mr. Nana. We're gonna have dinner out here instead. Right, Squidina?
Squidina: Uh... [GrandPat pushes her into the room] Oh! [places her tea set with her doll in the chair, chuckles nervously]
Cecil: Don't be shy. [tosses the doll away and places Mr. Nana in its place] Take a seat.
Squidina: Want some tea? [pretends to pour tea into Mr. Nana's cup] Glug, glug, glug. [laughter]
Cecil: [to Patrick and GrandPat] Psst, fellas, huddle! Son, I'm gonna need you to entertain Mr. Rilla in the kitchen while pretending to be me. [takes off the broom part of a duster and sticks it onto Patrick's face as a mustache]
Patrick: Oh! [chuckles, then sneezes into the kitchen; laughter]
Cecil: And, Dad, I'm gonna need you to entertain Ben in the living room while also pretending to be--
GrandPat: You! [rips off most of his beard to use as hair, then pulls up his pants to look more like Cecil]
Cecil: Uncanny! [laughter, applause]
GrandPat: Hey, what are you gonna do?
Cecil: The most important job there is... [uses a hammer to nail wooden planks on the door] Make sure no more bosses get in. [laughter; hears screaming] Dad!
GrandPat: [is seen sitting on Mr. Nana] All I have to do is twist and your feet'll pop right off. [presses harder onto Mr. Nana, peeling his skin off]
Cecil: [tosses GrandPat away] I'm so sorry, Mr. Nana! [zips Mr. Nana's skin back up] I don't know what came over my dad-- uh, I mean, me.
Mr. Nana: [shouts] Cecil!
Cecil: [gulps]
Mr. Nana: [puts Cecil in a chokehold] I didn't know you had that kinda fight in ya. I hope you use those moves on the competition.
Bunny: [off-screen] Okay, everyone! Dinner is ready!
Cecil: [begins walking into the kitchen] Fantastic! I'll go get--
Bunny: [grabs Cecil] Honey, no. You can't go in there. Not while Patrick's pretending to be you.
Cecil: [gasps] You're right! If Patrick's me...
Patrick: [is on the kitchen table] Business meeting! [gets punched by Mr. Rilla] 401 K! [gets punched] Synergy! [gets punched, laughter]
Cecil: Then I'll have to be... hmm... [pulls up his pants and puts on a jellyfish hive as hair] you! And, uh, you'll be... [puts the lamp shade on Bunny's head] the lamp! [exits to the kitchen]
Bunny: [turns the lamp on] Ooh! What a bright idea! [loses balance, laughter and applause] Oh...
Cecil: [enters the kitchen as Mr. Rilla is slamming Patrick into the table] I'm happy to see you two getting along so well. [grabs the two platters] Oh, you should give him a raise. [sets a platter down on Mr. Rilla's table] Hope you're hungry, because dinner is served!
Mr. Rilla: [tosses Patrick away, who screams, and excitedly looks at the platter]
[Patrick crashes through a window off-screen.]
Cecil: [carrying the other platter into the living room] It's time to eat. [grabs the platter handle]
Mr. Nana: Finally. I can't wait to have this dinner of-- [Cecil lifts the platter to reveal the stack of bananas; audience gasps] Buh-buh-buh-buh...
Cecil: Uh-oh.
Mr. Nana: [yelling off-screen] Bananas!
Mr. Rilla: [sniffs his food and is disgusted; hears the yelling] Ooh!
Cecil: [to Mr. Nana, who is panicking] Now, sir, calm down. It's not what it looks like.
Mr. Nana: It looks like you cooked my cousins! You're disgusting, lady!
Cecil: Lady? [takes off his jellyfish hive] I'm Cecil! [facepalms] Oh, Jimminy Jellyfish!
Mr. Nana: [points to Cecil] You're Cecil, [points to GrandPat] he's Cecil! [points to a disoriented Patrick on the floor] That thing is Cecil! What is going on here? Why would you serve me a plate full of--
Mr. Rilla: [off-screen] Banana? [his eyes turn into bananas] Banana!
Mr. Nana: [screams and runs away as Mr. Rilla chases him; the three Cecils run after them]
[While the Cecils chase after the bosses, Bunny dances with the lamp shade on. During the chase scene, Mr. Rilla and Mr. Nana swing on vines, Mr. Rilla manages to pull Mr. Nana's skin off, Cecil slips on the peel twice, Patrick and Bunny run into each other, GrandPat rides an airplane and crashes, Cecil falls to the ground, and Mr. Rilla holds Mr. Nana.]
Mr. Nana: I knew they were gonna have me for dinner... [Mr. Rilla bites him] ...but this is ridiculous! [laughter]
Squidina: [against the wall] Huh? Uh... There it is again! The laughing! There's something really weird going on. [a background image of a coral reef tries to enter the scene as she pushes against it] What the-- [Squidina gets pushed away by the background image; screams]
[A bubble with an image of Patrick appears.]
Announcer: If you think things are crazy now, then you'll [the Patrick image literally flips] flip when you see the next episode of [logo text appears] The Patrick Star Show: The Sitcom! [fade to the Star family except GrandPat standing upside down on the ceiling] All the Stars are upside down! [pan down to GrandPat walking on the floor] I said, all the Stars are upside down!
GrandPat: [screams as he is sent to the ceiling and crashes on it]
Announcer: Don't miss it. [applause]
[The scene cuts to a shot of the Star house as Cecil and Mr. Nana are laughing near the front door.]
Mr. Nana: [as Cecil opens the front door] Great dinner, Cecil. Consider yourself promoted. [cheers and applause]
Cecil: Gee! Thanks, Ben. See ya on Monday!
Mr. Nana: Not if I see you first! [laughter as he and Cecil laugh; Cecil closes the door]
Bunny: See, hon? Everything turned out just dandy. [she and Cecil kiss]
[The scene stops as credits display on-screen. Squidina notices this and tosses away the credits overlay.]
Squidina: Are you kidding me?! Did no one see that commercial break? Or those credits? Am I the only one hearing that laughter? [laughter]
Patrick: Um, it's probably just the house settling. [laughter]
Squidina: Then how do you explain them? [points to the camera as the live studio audience is shown applauding, along with the cameraman] Guys, I think we're trapped in a sitcom! [audience gasps]
Cecil: Oh, my little Squidina. You and your imagination. [the screen glitches as Squidina is instantly replaced with her prototype character]
Bunny: Hey! What happened to Squidina? She looks... different!
Cecil: I don't see anything different. That's our Squidina.
Bunny: I am telling you, that is not her! It's like she's been... recast! [the screen glitches again as she is recast]
Cecil: Recast? That's ridiculous! [the screen glitches and is recast as a Jerry Seinfeld parody] What is the deal with airplane food?
GrandPat: There is something screwy going on around here. [the screen glitches and is recast as a Danny DeVito parody] They call it airplane food 'cause it flies right through ya! [laughter and applause]
Patrick: Well, one thing's for sure... [grabs everyone else]
All: When you got your family...
Patrick: Everything tastes like candy! [all begin to laugh before the scene stops]
[The on-screen credits begin to scroll as the scene zooms out to reveal it playing on a TV. Squidina uses a remote to turn off the TV. All of the Star family except Patrick is on the couch.]
Squidina: You think he's ever gonna figure it out?
Slappy: [in a Patrick costume] I wouldn't bet on it. He's not the brightest star in the sea. [laugh track]