Patrick's Prison Pals/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Patrick's Prison Pals/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins with a shot of the Bikini Bottom Prison. A banner reads "Take Your Kid to Work Day" and guards are lined up with their kids.]
Kid: Prison, prison! I want to see prison!
[Patrick gets in line with a bib and an ice cream cone, which he starts licking.]
Bunny: [hugs him] I am so happy to get to spend Take Your Child to Work Day with my big boy!
Patrick: Stop, Mom! You're embarrassing me. [licks ice cream and it falls off his cone] Aw, I dropped my ice cream down my pants. Huh, oddly refreshing.
Bunny: [hugs him tighter] Oh, nonsense! [seriously] Now, Patrick, always remember the most important rule of prison. [happily] Have fun!
[Bunny stands in front of the prison entrance, as a guard pushes a prisoner in. Patrick stands by her.]
Bunny: Welcome to prison! Have a wonderful time! [a square prisoner approaches] Oh! Now you turn that frown upside down, mister.
[She turns his head around, making him smile.]
Square prisoner: Say, maybe prison won't be so bad after all. [the guard pushes him inside]
Patrick: Oh, can I be the prison greeter now? [a prison bus pulls up] Welcome to prison, bus! Come on in! [gets run over] Gee, Mom, your job is hard. I think I need a break. [stomach grumbles] A bathroom break.
[A toilet transitions to Patrick walking through the cell blocks. He breaks into one of the cells.]
Patrick: Whoa! Oh, now, this is a bathroom! It's got everything I need-- [pats toilet] a toilet, [looks at bed] a bed... [stretches eyes to the higher bed] and a second bunk-style bed! [sees a prisoner reading a newspaper captioned "Sockeye Sammy Caught!!!" on the bed] A-and my very own-- ooh, Sockeye Sammy?
Sockeye: [puts newspaper down, aggressively] Hey! What gives?
Patrick: [high-pitched shriek, jumps off bed] I'm sorry! I didn't know this bathroom was occupied!
Sockeye: This kid thinks this place is the bathroom? [laughs] He must be an idiot. Hmm, maybe a useful idiot. [to Patrick] Hey, kid. Sorry I was so mean before. The bathroom is all yours. [takes off prisoner uniform] You couldn't even have my special bathroom suit.
[Patrick takes the prisoner uniform as Sockeye steals Patrick's clothes from behind his back.]
Patrick: Whoa! Ooh. So much nicer than my normal bathroom suit. [Sockeye rips his head off and puts the prisoner cap on him] The horizontal stripes show off my [shakes butt] fulsome roundness.
[Sockeye is wearing Patrick's head. He tries to fasten Patrick's shirt on him, but one of the buttons pops off.]
Sockeye: Hey, hey, enjoy the bathroom, pal.
Patrick: [reading newspaper on the toilet] Way ahead of you, buddy.
[Toilet paper transitions to Sockeye, still dressed as Patrick, about to exit the prison. The parents and their kids are leaving.]
Sockeye: Easy. I'll just blend in with the crowd. [giggles and sneaks out]
Guard: Halt! You ain't going nowhere! [takes out bin of dangerous weapons] Without a souvenir from the confiscated item bin.
Sockeye: [takes an axe] Gee, thanks, mister! [runs outside prison grounds] I'm free--oh!
[Bunny accidentally runs over Sockeye in her car.]
Bunny: Oh, Patrick, it's time to go! [sees Sockeye under the tire] Oh, here you are, Patrick. This is no time to play roadkill. [puts him in the seat] I'm gonna fix you up some dinner, and you'll feel all better.
[The car peels off, creating a cloud of black smoke. Patrick is in prison, talking to a tough prisoner lifting weights.]
Patrick: Excuse me, ma'am. Can you help me find my mom? I need to get out of here.
Tough prisoner: You hear that, fellas? This guy wants his mommy-wommy to take him home!
[Various prisoners laugh at Patrick.]
Crocodile prisoner: [pokes Patrick] That uniform means you're stuck here, Jack. You're a prisoner now, like us!
Patrick: [stomach grumbles] So that means... [screaming] I'm gonna miss dinner! [pounds on door and screams]
Tough prisoner: You know, we have a cafeteria.
Patrick: [eyes go wide, entranced] Show me.
[In the prison cafeteria, Patrick is served slop on his tray. The cafeteria worker dumps slop on the head of the next prisoner in line.]
Prisoner: [off-screen] Get away from me!
[Patrick sits between the tough prisoner and the crocodile prisoner, who are eating the same slop.]
Patrick: Wow, this place is great! They serve an entire meal on a giant metal cracker. [swallows tray whole]
[The prisoners gasp.]
Orange prisoner: Did you see that, guys!?
Patrick: Oh, that's nothing. I could eat 50 trays.
Stickyfins: [pushes prisoners away] Hey, I bet you can't eat 100 trays.
[The prisoners hold out money and clamor. A tray is served to Patrick, which he eats.]
Prisoners: One! [Patrick eats another tray] Two! [Patrick is about to eat another tray] Three!
[The camera zooms into Patrick's mouth, transitioning to Bunny driving in front of the Star house.]
Bunny: Okay, we're home! Just in time for dinner.
Sockeye: Finally. I better make my escape, yeah.
[He hears police sirens and ducks as a cop car drives by.]
Sockeye: [worried] Yeah, dinner sounds great!
[A gourmet tray transitions to Cecil, Sockeye, Squidina, and GrandPat at the dinner table.]
Cecil: What's on the menu tonight, hon-bun?
Bunny: [serves covered dish] I figured I'd cook a gourmet treat.
Sockeye: All right!
Bunny: [removes the cover to show a boot surrounded by garbage] Boot soufflé with garbage au rotten!
Sockeye: [gagging] Actually, I'm not really that hungry.
[The family gasps.]
Cecil: Not hungry? [suspicious] Better call the police. An imposter switched places with my son. [stares at Sockeye intensely]
Sockeye: [nervously] Oh, wait! My appetite just came back. [eats the boot]
[The family laughs]
Cecil: I was only kidding, son!
Sockeye: Good one, Dad.
[Sockeye has to vomit and runs to the bathroom. He opens up the toilet, but it's Tinkle, who roars and scares him. He swallows his vomit and screams. Tinkle chases Sockeye as he runs down the hallway, his underwear exposed.]
Sockeye: This place is loco!
[He runs into Patrick's room and shuts the door. Tinkle slams into it, making him scream. Sockeye goes up against the time closet.]
Sockeye: I gotta find a way out of here. [sees time closet] Ha-ha, back door!
[He opens it and two alien tentacles grab him. The door closes and the time closet shakes. A tray with slop transitions back to Patrick in the cafeteria. He eats another tray.]
Prisoners: 99!
[The crocodile prisoner serves Patrick another tray. Patrick struggles to fit in his mouth, but swallows it.]
Patrick: Ahh!
Prisoners: [celebrating as a banner reading "100 Trays!" drops down] 100!
Stickyfins: [crying] There goes my bail money.
Tough prisoner: Ha-ha, you're an animal, Patrick. Thanks to you, I made so much bread. [takes out loaves of bread] See? [Patrick eats the bread] Huh? [grabs Patrick's collar] This guy--
Patrick: [gulps]
Tough prisoner: Is my new best friend!
[The prisoners carry Patrick into the cell block.]
Prisoners: [chanting] Patrick! Patrick!
Patrick: Wow, Mom was right! Prison is fun!
Guard: Lights out!
Crocodile prisoner: There goes our fun.
Patrick: Guys, why don't we have a slumber party?
[A pillow transitions to Patrick and the prisoners wearing pajamas and having a slumber party in Patrick's room, playing board games and pillow fighting. Two inmates pour bricks and brass knuckles into pillows.]
Green prisoner: Pillow fight!
[He smacks the orange prisoner into the screen, transitioning to an exterior shot of the prison, which goes to the Star house at night. It's now the next morning. Sockeye, burning, comes out of the time closet and coughs.]
Sockeye: [crawls out] I'm alive! I'm alive!
Squidina: [grabs his arm] Patrick! We were supposed to start The Patrick Show five minutes ago!
Sockeye: What? You're mistaken. I'm not Patrick. [takes off Patrick's head] See?
Squidina: Well, duh. Clearly, Patrick went to prison and swapped places with a dangerous criminal. But I still need a Patrick! [puts the head back on] The show must go on! [gives him a script] Here's your script.
Sockeye: [reads script] It just says "whoa."
Squidina: Exactly.
[Sockeye is loaded into a catapult, which Squidina launches him from.]
Sockeye: Whoa!
[He flies into the nose of a tiki mask and gets spit out, covered in snot. The audience laughs.]
Squidina: You're doing great! [puts an apple on him] Now let's end this skit with a bang!
Sockeye: Bang?
[Squidina is aiming a large cannon at him.]
Sockeye: [screams] Get me out of this insane asylum!
[He runs away, only to encounter Slappy, who is holding a jar of teeth.]
Slappy: Patrick, can I extract one of your teeth to complete my shrine?
[We see a shot of a paper-mache Patrick sculpture with parts of its body missing, surrounded by pictures and candles.]
Sockeye: Ewww! [runs away]
GrandPat: [enters] Patrick! [sticks out foot] It's time for my bunion massage!
Bunions: [monstrous voices] Massage us!
Sockeye: [screams] I'm surrounded! [digs underground]
Squidina: [comes in with her cannon] Hey, we're not done yet! [kicks cannon and jumps into the hole] Whoop!
[A ball and chain transitions to Patrick sleeping on the ceiling of his cell. The tough prisoner and crocodile prisoner are digging.]
Crocodile prisoner: Dig quieter. We don't want the guards to hear us.
Patrick: [gasp, angry] Guys, how could you? [excited] Not tell me the prison is made of food!? Oh, can I have a spoonful, pretty please, pretty please?
Prisoners: Huh? [chuckling]
Tough prisoner: Sure thing, pal.
Crocodile prisoner: [gives him a spoon] Yeah, go nuts.
Patrick: There's nuts in this too!?
[He digs up the dirt and eats it. The two prisoners run through the underground tunnel.]
Prisoners: Freedom!
[Sockeye is digging when his hand gets stuck. The dirt breaks off to show Patrick biting it.]
Sockeye: It's you! The idiot! I'm through with being you. I'd rather be in prison, where it's safe! [switches their clothes back] Adios, kid. [runs off] Jail, sweet jail, here I come!
Patrick: Aw, my bathroom suit.
Squidina: There you are, actual Patrick. Come on, we've got to finish this skit before the fuse blows. [drags him back on-stage]
[Yellow stars transition to Patrick on stage, wearing a helmet and facing the cannon. The cannon fires, but when Patrick calls it off, the cannonball stops in mid air.]
Patrick: Wait a minute! I got something to say!
[He hits the cannonball with his stomach.]
Squidina: Huh? [gets hit by the cannonball]
Patrick: Leedles and gentle leedles, I have just returned from a magical place!
[Bunny, Cecil, and GrandPat look in through the door.]
Bunny, Cecil, and GrandPat: Huh?
Patrick: A place full of yummy food, slumber parties, and the best pals a fella could ever ask for.
[He pulls the two escaping prisoners out of the hole, then two guards. The prisoners gasp in surprise. The guards chase them around.]
Patrick: A place where the walls are made of dirt-flavored ice cream, a place called...
[The crocodile prisoner is captured by a guard. Patrick steps on his head. Sockeye tunnels back into his cell.]
Sockeye: Prison! [covers hole] Yes, I'm back! I'm finally safe from that crazy Star family!
Patrick: [on TV] So, my crazy Star family, what do you say we move into prison right now?
Bunny: [on TV] Ooh, it will do wonders for my morning commute.
Sockeye: Wh-wh-what? No! Nooo!
Patrick: [on TV] Oh, yeah! We're going to prison!
[The Star family squeeze out of the TV, holding luggage.]
Patrick: Hiya, roomie!
[Sockeye, surprised, breaks in half. Cut to an exterior shot of the prison.]
Sockeye: Nooo!
GrandPat: [off-screen] Hey, nice bathroom! I call the top bunk!