Pick Patrick's Path/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Pick Patrick's Path/transcript" from season , which aired on .

Announcer: Introducing the Choose-o-rama!
[A meter with a thumbs down on the red part and a thumbs up on the green part spins onto the screen.]
Squidina: On today's episode of [gestures to meter] "The Patrick Show," [points to screen] you get to vote on what happens next. [points to a remote and the red and green bubbles] So whenever you see this special icon, [grabs remote] just hit the button on your [shows remote with a red and a green button] Choose-o-rama remote. The choice is [points to screen] yours!
[Three elderly fish and Slappy are seen in the audience with their remotes.]
Old lady: [uses remote as a phone] Grandson, is that you? It's good to hear your voice.
Old man #1: [mutters]
Old man #2: [presses button] Nurse!
[The curtains open to show Patrick standing behind a table.]
Patrick: So our first vote is, [reading card] "Does Patrick eat broccoli [shows card] or cookies?"
[A plate with broccoli and a plate full of cookies fall on the table. The red vote is for broccoli and the green vote is for cookies.]
Patrick: [looks at cookies in excitement and gasps, looks at broccoli] Ew. [pleading] Please, please, please, vote for the cookies! [leans forward] Please, please, please, please!
[The old lady presses her button with a cane, an old man presses his button repeatedly, and the bed-bound one bashes the remote against his head.]
Slappy: [points to remote] Oh, which button do I press for a sleepover with Patrick? Hmmm.
Squidina: Sorry, but you can only vote for the options on the screen. Let's see those results. [the meter's dial jiggles back and forth until it goes to cookies] And cookies win!
[Patrick gasps, smiles, eats the cookie icon, and then sucks the entire plate with his mouth. He looks at the broccoli and smacks it away. He takes the broccoli's plate and sniffs it.]
Patrick: Hmm. [throws plate away, it shatters] I could get used to this voting stuff. [burps]
Squidina: Well, that's great 'cause there's plenty more where that came from.
[Patrick smiles. Cookie transition to Patrick standing outside, next to a microphone and speaker.]
Squidina: So for our next vote, [points to camera] you get to decide. [points to stereo] Does Patrick sing a cute little song? [leans in] Or [gestures to hot coals] does he walk on a bed of hot coals?
Patrick: [gasps]
[A leaf falls onto the coals and bursts into flame. Two icons show up and Squidina points at them.]
Squidina: Vote now! Decide Patrick's fate! [the dial goes to the song] Looks like it's gonna be... [the dial goes to the coals] hot coals by a landslide! Well, there you have it, folks.
Patrick: Are you guys sure this is what you want?
Squidina: [over a shot of the viewers] Of course they're sure, Patrick! Democracy never fails!
Old man #1: [raises hand, mutters] What are we doing?
Old man #2: [presses remote buttons] My bed's not reclining!
Slappy: I voted for the hot coals. [laughs]
Patrick: Um, OK. [walks onto coals as they sizzle] Hey, this isn't half bad. Plus, it kind of feels nice on my toes. [wiggles his toes, then his entire body except his head goes up into flames
Audience: Oh!
[Patrick's body is burnt to a crisp. His arm falls off.]
Patrick: Ow.
Slappy: [mutters, growls ravenously, bites Patrick's arm, slides away and rattles like a snake]
Squidina: [walks in wearing a protective fire suit] Well, wasn't that fun?
Patrick: I think I need to go to the hospital.
Squidina: [hands him a letter with tongs] Why don't we vote on it?
Patrick: [grunts fiercely, groans, struggles to move his arm to grab the letter] Um, the next vote is, "Should Patrick go to the hospital [puts letter down] or wrestle a sea bear?"
Squidina: [pops up with the two icons] Hit those buttons, folks, and vote, vote, vote! [the audience votes and the dial wiggles, then overwhelmingly goes to the hospital side] It was close, but hospital wins!
[Cut to the hospital, then a bandaged Patrick laying on a bed inside.]
Squidina: We're here live at the hospital. Stay tuned to find out what happens next!
Patrick: I'm just glad I don't have to wrestle a sea bear.
[A sea bear in a doctor uniform opens the curtains.]
Patrick: [yelps]
Sea bear: You're, uh, Patrick Star, yes?
Patrick: [nervously] Uh, uh-huh. [sweats, drenching his cast]
Sea bear: Looks like you're in today for some pretty serious burns. Well, not to worry. [takes off spectacles and writes on clipboard] I'll just be prescribing you a daily antibiotic ointment [sprays Patrick with ointment] and one dose of a vicious, brutal, relentless sea bear attack. [Patrick's eyes go wide, the sea bear roars ferociously and chases him, making him roll out of his bandages and into the hallway]
Patrick: [screaming, runs through hallway]
Sea bear: [chases him, slams parts of the walls]
Patrick: Aah! [suddenly stops running, to audience] I think the ointment's working! [keeps running]
[Patrick is chased and cornered next to a sign: to the left is the stairs and to the right is the elevator.]
Patrick: [whimpers, to audience] OK, folks. Do I take the stairs or the elevator? [points to them] It's up to you! [voting icons appear, Patrick tugs his collar] Try to hurry up 'cause that sea bear is gettin' pretty close.
[The sea bear approaches. Patrick nervously chews his fingernails. The meter very slightly goes to the stairs choice, the audience gasps.]
Patrick: Phew! Stairs it is.
Squidina: Wait! [covers dial] We're still waiting on the [points to a graphic of a confused mailman holding letters] mail-in ballots. So let's just give it a few more minutes.
Patrick: Sure, no problem. [gives thumbs up]
Sea bear: [growls]
Patrick: [casually] Hey. [eyes widen, gets attacked]
[The dial is seen on the wall as Squidina is sitting and reading a book. The mailman comes in with a letter.]
Mailman: Telegram!
Squidina: [closes book, takes letter] Perfect timing! I just finished a chapter.
[The mailman tips his hat. Squidina opens the letter as Patrick is still getting mauled.]
Squidina: Drum roll, please!
[The bear attacks Patrick, then stops to play a drum roll on Patrick's body.]
Squidina: And the winner is... [the dial moves to the elevator choice] elevator! Take it away, Patrick! [the sea bear wheels him away as he is bandaged up again]
Patrick: C'mon, guys. Vote to send me home, or vote for the show to be over!
Squidina: [appears in front of screen] Sorry, Patrick, but... say it with me, folks!
Audience, mailman, and sea bear: [together] That's not how voting works!
[Patrick gets wheeled to the elevator. It dings and opens, but no elevator is there.]
Patrick: Uh, hey, Doc. Isn't there supposed to be an ele-- [the sea bear throws him into the shaft, he screams and looks down] Uh-oh! I can't see what I'm going to land on at the bottom of this elevator shaft!
Squidina: [flying with a propeller pack] That's 'cause the voters haven't decided yet. [gives him a letter and flies away]
Patrick: [opens and reads letter] Uh-huh. [drops it] The options [options appear, Patrick points to them] are metal spikes or a whole lot of delicious lollipops. Please, [pokes it repeatedly] vote for the lollipops!
Old man #1: I like lollipops.
Slappy: Hmm...
[The audience members vote. The meter goes back and forth a bunch before landing on lollipops.]
Patrick: Yes! Bring on the [relaxes on his back] delicious lollipo-- [gets impaled by the lollipop sticks]
Old man #1: I don't like lollipops no more.
[Patrick crawls out of the elevator and into a cave, with lollipops stuck to his back. He removes two sticks poking out his eyes.] Oh! [sees them on his back and takes one] Ooh! [jumps around licking one] ♪ Lolly, lolly, leedle, lee! Lolly, lolly, lee-♪
Monster: [jumps in front of Patrick] Hey!
Patrick: Hi, monster. [licks lollipop]
Monster: [points to the lollipops] You're gonna share those extra poplollies, ain't ya?
Patrick: Uh, I, uh, um--
Monster: Or [two other monsters show up] do my associates have to break every bone in your body? [the monsters make threatening gestures]
Patrick: Uh...
Squidina: [comes out of a small rock] Time for another vote!
Patrick: [the options appear] Press red, and I'll get pulverized by monsters. Press green, and I'll share my delicious lollipops! [whispers to audience] Vote for fighting so I can have the lollipops all to myself.
Old lady: But if we vote for fighting, they'll kill Patrick, and then the show's over! Well, I'm voting for "pollylops."
[The audience members mumble. The dial goes to the fighting option, then the tip of it shoots over to the lollipops option.]
Patrick: [groans] Oh, all right. [shows the lollipops on his butt to the monsters]
Monsters: Yay! [one giggles, they take the lollipops and lick them]
Old lady: Now I regret not having Patrick killed.
Patrick: Well, I guess I'll see you guys later. [walks away]
Monster: [drops lollipops, grabs Patrick, angrily] Wait a minute! You ain't goin' nowhere! [snarling]
Patrick: W--why not?
Monster: [happy] 'Cause you're gonna be our new leader, Mr. Lollypop man! Ain't that right, fellas?
Other monsters: Oh, yeah!
Monster: Now, come on! Let's leave this subterranean prison [points up] and experience our new leader's world above!
[Lollipops transition to a city. Old Man Walker is knocked away by a fist coming through the ground. Three fish at a bus stop scream and run away.]
Monsters: [laugh and climb out of a hole]
Monster: [laughs, approaches building and a blimp] We're gonna turn this city upside-down!
Patrick: Wait. What do you mean?
Squidina: [opens blimp window, speaks through megaphone] It's voting time! [throws a letter to Patrick]
Patrick: [reads letter] OK. How should the city be turned upside-down? Press red, and me and my monster buddies will destroy everything. Press green, and I will run for mayor.
[The dial goes back and forth until it swings red, then green, hitting the image of mayor Patrick.]
Mayor Patrick: [rubs head] Ow! That really hurt!
Patrick: [shrugs] And I'm running for mayor.
[An image of a Patrick campaign button rolls past. A mother is wheeling her baby in a stroller when Patrick, wearing a suit, jumps out from behind a building.]
Patrick: Ma'am! Ma'am! [ominously] Can I kiss your baby?
Mother: [scared] Absolutely not!
Patrick: I'm running for mayor! Oh!
Mother: Oh! In that case, go right ahead.
Patrick: [kisses baby] Mwah!
Baby: [giggles]
[A man opens his window, and a monster plasters a Patrick poster over it.]
Man: [leans out and shakes fist] Hey, what the-- [falls out, screams]
[Another monster staples a poster to a blimp, making it deflate and causing the passengers to scream. Patrick leaps around kissing various babies on the head. He is then seen giving a speech at a rally.]
Patrick: So when you step into that voting booth tomorrow, vote Patrick Star!
Rally audience: [cheering]
Patrick: Now, who's got a baby I can kiss?
Woman: I do! [flings a baby out of its seat at him]
Other parents: Hey! That's our baby!
Woman with other parents: Yay!
[Patrick catches the baby and kisses it. A bunch of babies get thrown at him. He pops out and smiles as pictures are taken. The babies start crying. Camera flash to Patrick driving and waving as campaign signs and flags appear in the background.]
Announcer: Well, it's official. Patrick Star has just been elected mayor.
[A baby knocks him out of his seat. Cut to a bored Patrick in office as the monsters stand as bodyguards. A picture of Patrick kissing a baby is on his desk.]
Patrick: [sighs deeply, phone rings] Hello?
Squidina: [relaxing in chair, slurps drink] Congrats on the election, Mr. Mayor!
Patrick: Hey, thanks, Squidina. Are we done with all this voting stuff now?
Squidina: Mmmm, not exactly. Go ahead and open your bottom desk drawer.
Patrick: All righty. [opens it to find a bomb with a minute countdown, screams] A time bomb!? Why!?
Squidina: Eh, our ratings dipped a little during the "running for mayor" bit. Anyway, all you got to do is cut the right wire.
Patrick: [puts bomb on desk] OK. Uh, which one? [takes out scissors]
Squidina: [slurps] Ahhh. We'll let the audience decide!
Patrick: [eyes shrink, then widen] What? Uh, oh! [options appear] OK, press red if you want me to cut the green wire, and press green if you want me to cut the red one.
[The timer counts down as the audience members prepare to vote. Slappy laughs.]
Patrick: Hurry up and vote!
[The dial repeatedly switches between the two options until it lands on a formerly-unseen bottom one: a sleepover with Slappy.]
Patrick: Sleepover with Slappy? How is that even possible? [bomb starts ringing] Uh-oh.
[An explosion blows Patrick out of office.]
Patrick: Worst episode ever!
[Patrick flies through the air, into the cemetery, and into an open grave which is Slappy's home.]
Slappy: [giggles] Don't you just love democracy? [uses his remote to shut the coffin lid and turns the TV off]