Stair Wars/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Stair Wars/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins outside of the Star house in the early morning. The Sun is seen, looking tired. He drinks a mug of coffee and becomes hyperactive as it turns to day.]
Sun: Cock-a-doodle-doo!
[We then go to Patrick's room, where Squidina runs in with Ouchie, whom she places on his reserved chair. She then walks over to Patrick's bed, and the latter is drooling and fast asleep.]
Squidina: Patrick! [She grabs a broom and slaps Patrick with it, but he's still asleep.] Patrick! [She the manages to ply him out of bed, but he's still asleep. She then rolls him over to the stage, and puts some makeup on him.] Come on, Patrick, the show must go on! [She then goes over to her podium.] Coming to you from the Star family home, it's time for... [She then gets trapped in the stage hand.] The Patrick Show! And here's your wide awake host...!
[Squidina then spills some water on Patrick, which finally wakes him up.]
Patrick: Me! [A title card for the show then appears, and slides up, to reveal Patrick with a plunger.] Today, I'm gonna show you some great miniature golf tips. Four! [He then hits a sock with the plunger.] Five! [He then hits a roller skate with the plunger.] Nine! [He then hits a toy boat with the plunger and falls to the ground. The plunger then falls on his mouth. He manages to get it off, only for it to nearly hit Squidina and then get stuck on his mouth again.] This would probably work better with a golf club. I'll be right back! [He then brings Squidina on the stage, and gives her a top hat and a cane.] Take it away, Squidina!
Squidina: [nervous] Patrick, you know I have stage four stage fright!
[Patrick then runs up the stairs to get his golf club, but halfway up, he finds GrandPat who is also on the stairs.]
Patrick: Oh, hi, GrandPat, just going upstairs.
GrandPat: Greetings, grandson, just going downstairs.
Patrick and GrandPat: Just step aside. Please step aside. What? No, you step aside.
GrandPat: Age before ugly.
Patrick: Pearls before swine.
GrandPat: I before thee!
Patrick: I'm sorry GrandPat, but Dad always told me...
[Patrick then imagines Cecil in a thought bubble.]
Cecil: Son, the best advice I could ever give you is: never back down from a stair-off.
GrandPat: [angrily] I told you that! That's my advice!
[GrandPat then hits the thought bubble with his cane, causing it to fall down the stairs.]
Patrick: Well, I don't care who said it first! I gotta get my golf club!
GrandPat: And I hate the upstairs bathroom!
[Patrick and GrandPat both look at each other, boiling with fury. They then both attempt to pass each other, but to no avail. When they do, they go back to their previous positions. Patrick then squeezes his stomach, and a loaf of bread comes out of his belly button.]
Patrick: [serious] En garde.
GrandPat: [He takes a loaf of bread out of his cane.] I'll en garde you!
[They then slap each other with their bread loafs.]
Patrick and GrandPat: I challenge you to a stair-off!
[Their heads then morph into the heads of donkeys and they bray angrily at each other. The screen then zooms out to the black and white Dr. Plankenstein's labratory. Dr. Plankenstein and Pat-gor are sitting on the couch. Pat-gor is laughing and eating popcorn, which gets into Dr. Plankenstein's eye. The latter then snatches the remote and changes the channel to a boxing match.]
Pat-gor: [sadly] Master, I was watching that!
Dr. Plankenstein: Please, that show is made by idiots for morons.
Pat-gor: That's why I love it.
[Pat-gor then snatches the remote and changes the channel. Dr. Plankenstein then changes the channel. This keeps going for a while until Pat-gor accidentally mistakes Dr. Plankenstein as a remote and presses his eyeball a few times to change the channel.]
Dr. Plankenstein: Eyeball!
[Pat-gor presses Dr. Plankenstein's eyeball a few times before the latter bites the former's finger causing them both to scream until the doorbell is heard ringing.]
Pat-gor and Dr. Plankenstein: [melodically] Who is it?
[SpongeMonster then kicks the door and sends it flying.]
SpongeMonster: I'm home! [laughs]
[A black and white photo of angry people carrying torches is shown.]
Dr. Plankenstein: Aw, shut up!
SpongeMonster: [patting Dr. Plankenstein] Aw, what's the matter, Dr. P?
Dr. Plankenstein: [frustrated] Pat-gor is hogging the remote again!
Pat-gor: But, I wanna watch the idiots on the stairs!
SpongeMonster: Hmm, there must be a way to watch two shows at the same time. Let me think.
Dr. Plankenstein: [laughs] You see, Pat-gor, now that I've upgraded the SpongeMonster with a genius brain, it can rationally solve any problem! [to SpongeMonster] Don't think too hard, brainiac. You'll have a blowout. [After a few seconds, SpongeMonster has a blowout, causing his brain to burst out of his head.] I told him.
Pat-gor: You did.
[SpongeMonster's brain then falls back to the ground. It then grows legs and jumps back in SpongeMonster's head, giving the monster an idea.]
SpongeMonster: I know exactly what to do! [He then rips the TV into two halves.] Two shows at the same time!
Pat-gor: Huzzah, master! He is a genius!
SpongeMonster: Here you go!
[SpongeMonster hands Dr. Plankenstein and Pat-gor the TV halves, but it causes the latter two to be severely electrocuted. SpongeMonster then smiles. The two halves of the TV then join together, and Dr. Plankenstein and Pat-gor collapse in exhaustion. SpongeMonster then turns the TV on to the Patrick Show and laughs.]
Squidina: Now back to the Patrick Show!
[We then transition back to color, to a title card for the Patrick Show that spells "Welkome Back!" Patrick and GrandPat are then seen in war outfits, and the stairs have been turned into a battlefield.]
Patrick: Nobody's coming down these stairs, soldier!
GrandPat: And nobody's going up them either, dogface!
Cecil: Hot stuff, coming through! [walks downstairs] I have to use the downstairs bathroom!
GrandPat: Stand with me, son, and someday when this Neptune forsaken war is over, you'll use that bathroom... right after me.
Patrick: Stand with me, father, and help retrieveth my golf club!
Cecil: Sorry son, but I really have to go!
Patrick: Aw, dad.
[As Patrick brings out a pair of binoculars, Squidina then comes up the stairs.]
Squidina: [confused] We are in the middle of a show. What are you doing?
Patrick: I need to get my golf club, and-and GrandPat won't let me go upstairs!
[Squidina then looks up to see her grandfather and father growling.]
Squidina: [innocently] GrandPat, Patrick needs that club, which means the show needs that club, which means we're getting the club!
[Squidina then growls angrily, and GrandPat seems intimidated. Cecil then hands GrandPat a mop, and Cecil lets out a battle cry. Squidina then hands her brother a mop.]
Squidina: Get them!
[GrandPat and Patrick then attack each other with the mops, putting them in each others mouths. Squidina and Cecil cheer them on. We then go up the stairs to see Bunny.]
Bunny: Patrick! Squidina! Anyone? I have important news. [She then ducks after an explosion is heard. She then goes over to the window, slides down the drain pipe, and crawls on the sand past the neighbor, who is watering her plant.] Morning, Gladys.
Gladys: Morning, Bunny.
[Bunny then attempts to open the door, but to her chagrin, it turns out to be locked. She then opens a painting, and crawls through it. She then gets through the gate on the stairs, and starts crawling up them.]
Squidina: Mop up the floor with him!
[Bunny then reaches her family, and she is covered with bruises and bandages.]
Bunny: [exasperated] Patrick. Patrick.
[Bunny then collapses, so Patrick and Squidina help their mom get back up.]
Patrick: [panicked] What is it, Mom? Tell us, what is it?
Bunny: [happily] I made jelly sandwiches!
[The Stars (except Bunny) cheer happily as they eat their jelly sandwiches. We then see Perch Perkins at the house doing a report, and other citizens on the stairs, who seem to have joined in the fight.]
Perch Perkins: This is Perch Perkins, coming to you live from a local suburban home, where after a brief ceasefire for jelly sandwiches, a stair war continues to escalate.
GrandPat: Will those who want to go up the stairs stand down?
Upstair army: No!
Patrick: Will those who want to go down the stairs stand up?
Downstair army: No!
Patrick and GrandPat: Then we shall clash!
[Patrick and GrandPat then draw their bread swords and let out a war cry. Both the parties then charge each other, leading to the war becoming more intense. Two people charge at each other, but both fall to the ground. Fred draws out his sword, but Slappy spreads butter on both the bread and Fred's face. Squidina and Cecil eat each others loaves and spit out the bread. Many incidentals are then seen hurt and unwilling to go on. We then see Perch, who is up in a helicopter.]
Perch Perkins: Wow! This is the most exciting stair war of all the stair wars I've ever been to! Look out, incoming bread! Sourdough! Pumpernickel!
[Perch then lets out a scream before the helicopter crashes on the ground. A battle horn is then heard as Patrick and GrandPat eye each other on the stairs. GrandPat throws his bread at Patrick, however, it isn't effective due to Patrick eating it.]
GrandPat: Bread won't stop him! Time for Plan B!
[GrandPat then climbs up the stairs. He turns on the sink and shower faucets, causing the bathroom to flood.]
Tinkle: [growls]
GrandPat: This is why I hate the upstairs bathroom! [The door then bursts open because of the water. GrandPat rides down the stairs on the bathroom.] Age before ugly!
[The flood sends everybody out of the house. We then go back to the stair, where Patrick and GrandPat emerge angrily through flap doors.]
Patrick: So, we meet again, eh? [confused] Who are you?
GrandPat: I'm the one who's gonna make you wish I wasn't your grandpa.
Patrick: [happily] Wait, I know you! GrandPat!
[Patrick then hugs GrandPat. The latter takes the former, and puts him down.]
GrandPat: Don't change the subject. I still want satisfaction!
Patrick: Very well. We joust!
[They both turn around and press their own button on the wall. This turns the stairs into an escalator, which makes Patrick go to the bottom of the stairs, and GrandPat to the top of the stairs. They both then salute each other and get on the stair pole.]
GrandPat and Patrick: [yell]
[They both then ride on the stair pole like a rollercoaster. We go to GrandPat, who is being followed by a pack of bulls and Incidental 27, who is driving his boat. We then go to Patrick, who is being followed by a trolley, a meteorite, and a crying baby in a stroller. They both then put on boxing gloves, and jump off the pole, ready to charge each other. But then, they both stop.]
Patrick: Hey, wait a minute. I got something caught in my teeth. [He then takes off his boxing glove, and pulls out a toothpick. He picks at one of his teeth, and out comes his golf club!] Hey, my golf club! [Him and GrandPat then go to the ground.] Hey Squidina, I found my club!
[He then laughs as he climbs down the stairs. But while he does that, his golf club accidentally breaks the railings. This causes the stairs to shake. GrandPat then yells before the stairs fall to the ground. GrandPat then lies on the floor, and shakes it off. He also realizes that now, he can use the downstairs bathroom.]
GrandPat: The downstairs bathroom!
[He happily runs to the bathroom, but before he can get in there, Cecil blocks his father's path.]
Cecil: Mustache before beard!
[Cecil then closes the door. GrandPat sighs in defeat. At that moment, Tinkle enters the scene growling, which causes GrandPat to run in panic. Squidina, Patrick and Ouchie then run back to Patrick's room to finish the show with the former getting back at the stagehand and the latter two go up on stage. Patrick then places a golf ball on the tee.]
Patrick: And we're back!
Squidina: And we're out of time! Tune in tomorrow for more fun on The Patrick Show! See you then!
[Patrick and Ouchie then smile at the camera. The former then swings the golf ball, but it accidentally hits the camera and breaks the glass.]
Patrick: Oops.
[The golf ball then slides off the camera, ending the episode.]