The Prehistoric Patrick Star Show/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Prehistoric Patrick Star Show/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with a recreation of the Patrick Star Show's theme song. Cave Patrick comes out of his house]
Cave Patrick: [caveman grunts] Me Patrick Cave Star! And me live with cave parents! [grabs curtains and falls over]
[Cut to Cave Cecil fishing with a bone fishing rod.]
Cave Patrick: This me Cave Dad!
[Cave Patrick runs into another room, breaking boards. Cave Cecil fishes up a giant spider that licks him. Cave Bunny is looking through the fridge, and Cave Patrick appears from a hole and gestures to her.]
Cave Patrick: This me Cave Mom!
Cave Bunny: Hi! [a dinosaur comes out of the fridge, she hits it with a club] Ooh! [she puts it on a plate]
Cave Patrick and Cave Bunny: Ooh!
[Transition to Cave Patrick appearing in front of a stalagmite and falling down. He turns the camera to Cave Squidina.]
Cave Patrick: This me Cave Sister!
Cave Squidina: Huh? [roars, briefly reverts to a feral form, and swims away]
Cave Patrick: She's shy!
[Cut to GrandPat riding around on a giant bug.]
GrandPat: [laughing]
Cave Patrick: This me Cave Grandpa! [runs into his studio] This me cave! And this...
[The CaveStars are launched out of their volcano house and into a tar pit. Some prehistoric lawnies are heard grunting.]
Cave Patrick: This me cave show!
[A boulder crushes the family, with the oil splatting on screen and wiping off to show a "The Cave Patrick Star Show" title card. Fade to black, then zoom out of a giant rectangular monolith. The prehistoric lawnies run up and scrape it. It falls over and they run away, but one gets crushed. The rest take a seat on it. A prehistoric Slappy licks his thumb and tosses a bone through the air. It hits Cave Patrick in the face and his head throbs. He sits up.]
Cave Patrick: [screams, jumps off TV set, rips knob off]
Lawnies: [clapping rocks, cheering]
Cave Patrick: Ooh, ha! [jumps into set and swallows chair] What today show about, Cave Squidina?
Cave Squidina: Well, let's consult Rock of Ideas.
[She goes over to a giant square rock with Squidasaurus Rex on one side and a fish bone on the other. It crushes Cave Patrick's toes, making him scream. Cave Squidina looks at the top of the rock, which has a fire engraved on it; the other side has a bone.]
Cave Patrick: [screams]
Cave Squidina: Fire!
Cave Patrick: [stops screaming] Ah! [removes foot and spins into his seat, now wearing a tie] Ladies and hominids, please put hands together for today guest-- Fire!
[Lightning strikes and a fire appears on the couch.]
Lawnies: Ooh!
Cave Patrick: [shakes fire's hand] How's it going, Fire? [hands light on fire] Good to have you on show. So Fire, who's your latest flame? [fire burns] Come on, Fire! Me trying to ignite conversation! [burns up] Uh...
[A dinosaur smells the smoke, screeches, and bashes a mounted mammoth head with a spiked club. It sprays water out of its nose and extinguishes Cave Patrick into ash.]
Cave Patrick: Now onto next and much safer part of show-- cavetoon segment!
[The ash blows away. Cave Patrick pushes a giant rock TV in front of the set.]
Cave Patrick: [grunting] Phew! [turns TV set on, showing cave drawings of Snail Fail and Sir Urchin]
Snail Fail: Guess what, Sir Urchin. Me just invent slapstick.
Sir Urchin: Jolly good, old bean. Let's see it then.
[Snail Fail hits Sir Urchin with a tree branch.]
Sir Urchin: [shakes fist] Why, you...
Snail Fail: [shrugs] What me do? [hits Sir Urchin with a rock wheel]
Sir Urchin: [jumps and shakes fist] Why, you...!
Snail Fail: [shrugs] What me do?
Cave Patrick: [laughs]
Cave Bunny: [calling] Breakfaaast!
[Cave Patrick, Sir Urchin, and Snail Fail look in her direction.]
Cave Bunny: Breakfast time, Cave Patrick!
Cave Patrick: Okay! [throws rock TV set away]
[Cave Patrick sits next to Cave Squidina.]
Cave Bunny: Well, let's dig in. [reveals her back to Cave Cecil]
Cave Cecil: Ah! [picks a bug off her back] Ooh, my favorite-- lice pilaf. [eats bugs off Cave Bunny's back]
Cave Patrick: [licks lips]
[Cave Squidina turns around, and her back is clean. Cave Patrick rubs her back, and then groans, with his reflection on her.]
Cave Patrick: Aw, stinkin' smooth squid sister's skin! [flops on the table]
Cave Squidina: [laughs] Oh, boy! [eats bugs off Cave Patrick]
Cave Patrick: I think my stomach is gonna-- [stomach roars]
Cave Squidina: [screams, runs away in a burst of ink]
Cave Patrick: [pushes stomach down]
Cave Bunny: Cave Patrick! What have we said about going-- [roars] to your sister?
Cave Patrick: [ashamed] Sorry, Cave Mom.
[Cave Cecil and Cave Bunny leave. Cave Patrick's stomach growls again.]
Cave Patrick: [pushes it down] Oh, hush up, will you? I'll get you some food. [goes to the kitchen, looks in a jar] Food? [throws it away, opens fridge] Food! [sees a bunch of vegetables inside] Ugh, plants-- not food!
Vegetables: [grow faces, sigh in relief] Whew.
[A bone transitions to Cave Patrick walking through his house.]
Cave Patrick: Food? [sees tiger on rug] Oh! [looks in its mouth] Hmm... [gets bitten and screams, flies off-screen, whimpers, walks back with his eye still extended] Huh? [sees a prehistoric Shmandor, laughs, tries to eat it, and gets attacked with weapons, including fire, and screams] I hate spicy food! [smashes Shmandor with a rock, hears music playing] Huh?
[Cave Patrick looks at a prehistoric Goofy Goober waiter walking around outside with an ice cream cart. Two dinosaurs carry it and another plays the music.]
Prehistoric waiter: Dinosaur milk ice cream-- it edible.
Cave Patrick: [drools, takes out spear] Hunting spear? [drops it] Nah. [takes out ice cream scoop] Hunting scoop? Ah! [laughs, slithers out the window]
[Cave Patrick appears behind kelp and stalks the waiter multiple times, scaring him.]
Prehistoric waiter: Hello? Me not prey.
[Cave Patrick, with the scoop in his mouth, is hiding behind a rock.]
Cave Patrick: [laughs, spits] Now it time for sneak attack!
[He hollers and jumps at the waiter, but the cart is eaten by a Bubble Bass-like dinosaur.]
Cave Patrick: Hey, that me ice cream! [screams, head explodes like a volcano, slams the Bubblebassasaurus by the tail and swings it away] No one taking Pat food! [throws it, loud explosion booms]
[A now buff Cave Patrick beats his chest and hollers. He smells a scent trail.]
Cave Patrick: Ooh, what a heavenly scent. [points smell trail down and runs on it, giggles] Follow to eat stuff at other end of smell. [dives into the top of his house, screams, and lands next to a bowl of green liquid] Finally, food!
GrandPat: Food? What do you mean "food"? [shows pants on a stick] I'm doing my laundry.
[A prehistoric crab runs across the pants and snickers. Cave Patrick tries to eat the pants, but GrandPat hits him on the head. Stars, bones, and a dinosaur skull circle around his head.]
GrandPat: Uh-uh-uh. [throws it away] Eat your own loincloth!
Cave Patrick: [stomach rumbles] Aw! But Cave Pat hungy!
GrandPat: [laughs] Ah, you kids got it tough with this newfangled huntin' and gatherin'. It was way easier back in my day when everything was food-- back in the days of the primordial ooze. [pan down to the soup, focusing on a green cell] Yes, siree, back then, I was quite the spry little cell. [cell turns around to show GrandPat's face] And the whole world was my all-you-can-eat buffet.
[GrandPat's cell form eats other cells to the tune of "The Blue Danube."]
GrandPat: [puts salt and mustard on a cell] Back then, I didn't have a care in the world. [makes a sandwich out of it, and bites it]
Cell: Ouch! [growls, whistles]
[A bunch of other cells fly into the cell's mouth.]
GrandPat: Till those darned cells banded together and formed a multicell organism!
Multicell organism: [cackles]
[Cell GrandPat poops. He flees from the multicelled organism and swallows a bunch of strange cells.]
GrandPat: Me was in trouble! Me had no choice but to evolve and get out of there.
[Cell GrandPat grows claws, scales, and a reptilian eye. He stumbles onto land.]
GrandPat: Ha! Who's the higher life-form now? [gets eaten by a dinosaur] Ah!
[Cave Patrick's tongue appears over the flashback. He licks some of it out of the pot.]
GrandPat: [grabs Cave Patrick's tongue] Stop eating the flashback! It'll give you indigestion!
[The room rattles.]
Cave Patrick and GrandPat: Oh!
GrandPat: See what I mean?
Cave Patrick: Um, I don't think that was me.
[The room rattles again.]
GrandPat: Oh, right! We live in a volcano!
[The volcano erupts and Patrick flies out in a fireball.]
Cave Patrick: [screams, then] Huh? Oh, hello again, Fire. [shakes its hand] Welcome back to the show. [screams, blows fire out] Let's have a hand for Fire.
[Patrick flies into Cave Granny Tentacles' backyard, where she is barbecuing. Cave Patrick lands on the grill.]
Cave Granny Tentacles: Ah! You break me lunch!
Cave Patrick: Me sorry!
[Cave Patrick's butt lights on fire.]
Cave Patrick and Granny Tentacles: [scream]
[Cave Patrick runs around and cools off his butt in Cave Granny Tentacles' pool.]
Cave Patrick: Whoa, cool. [leans over fence] Hey, guys!
Other CaveStars: Huh?
Cave Patrick: Cave Granny Tentacles has a pool!
Other CaveStars: [switch into swimming outfits] Pool party!
[They dive into the pool. Cave Cecil spits out a fountain of water, but it gets stuck. The music slows down.]
Cave Cecil: [struggles to remove the fountain]
GrandPat: [laughs, then gets his arm stuck] D'ah! Hey, let go, sticky water!
[Cave Squidina, Cave Bunny, and Cave Patrick are all frozen.]
Cave Patrick: What is this stuff?
[Zoom out to a sign reading "Granny Tentacles' Famous Tar Pit."]
Cave Squidina: "Granny Tentacles' famous tar pit"?
Cave Patrick: Oops.
[The CaveStars scream and sink into the tar.]
Cave Granny Tentacles: [laughs] Dumb Star-anderthals. [slurps drink]
[The Bubblebassasaurus, now bandaged and injured, eats Cave Granny Tentacles and roars. Fade to the tar pit now being a block of concrete. A construction crew works at it. A crane lifts up the block and a buzzsaw cuts through it. Three construction workers look inside.]
Construction worker: [gasps] Holy fish paste!
[The CaveStars are stuck in a block of the tar.]
Cave Bunny: Hooray, we're saved!
[Fade to the Stars still stuck in the tar, but on display at a museum.]
Cave Bunny: Wait. [zoom out to show a "Prehistorical Bikini Bottom" exhibit] No, we're not.
[The present-day Star family come in, laughing.]
Patrick: Hey, look at 'em! They're so ugly!
GrandPat: [comes out of tar] Freedom! [laughs] You guys may be dumb, but you're not as dumb as these guys!
[The Stars laugh and walk away.]
Patrick: How stupid do you have to be to get stuck like that?
[They all step in some chewing gum.]
Squidina: [gasps] Chewing gum!
[They scream, struggle, and get stuck in a wad of chewing gum similar to the block of tar.]
CaveStars: [laughing]
Patrick and Cave Patrick: I guess some things never change!
Stars and CaveStars: [laughing]
[The skeleton of the Bubblebassasaurus eats the Stars, blows a bubble with the gum, and roars.]