The Star Games/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Star Games/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with the Star house at sunrise. Patrick is in bed, sleeping. Suddenly, a spotlight shines on him.]
Patrick: Wha!?
Daddy Dartfish: Patrick Star, come on down!
[The camera rotates and Patrick falls out of bed.]
Patrick: [screams, lands on a stage] Uh... what's going on? [lights turn on]
Daddy Dartfish: You guessed it! [cheers and applause, zoom out to show Patrick on a game show stage] You're on [points to letters] "What's Going On?" Show him what he's won. [a curtain opens, revealing a perfume bottle with a game show host on it] It's game show host in a bottle! Just one spray, and you'll be hosting all day!
Patrick: Oh, wow! [takes it]
Daddy Dartfish: And as an added bonus, you also get... [takes card out of pocket and reads it] Huh? [sighs, cries] My... job? It's okay. I didn't deserve it anyway. [falls over and slides away in a trail of his tears, sobbing]
Patrick: Game show host in a bottle? Hmm. [sprays it and turns into a game show host, grins] Uh-huh! All right, let's go find our first contestants! [hops on a clam machine and rides away]
[The screen cuts to static. It turns out to be on a TV on a cutting board that Cecil hits with a hammer. He holds it over a bowl that Bunny is mixing.]
Bunny: I just love making TV dinners. [TV slides into the bowl, she tastes it] Hmm, [gives thumbs up then goes to the fridge] it could use a bit more of some...
[When she opens the fridge, Patrick's head pops out.]
Patrick: Mom and Dad! You're the contestants on our [rides away on the clam] first game! [smoke from the clam covers the screen and transitions to a game show stage] "Expired"!
Bunny: Ooh!
Cecil: Ooh, wow!
Patrick: The rules are simple. [images of food appear on the side of the screen] Guess what you just ate and when it went bad! [puts blindfold on Bunny] Mom Star is up first. [pours sludge-like food from a can, audience gasps]
Bunny: [grabs it, chews it and swallows] Hmm. Oh, oh, oh! Is it lasagna 1812? [losing horn sounds]
Patrick: [appears with a note card] Oh, sorry, I'm afraid we were looking for grilled cheese, [flips card into Bunny's hair] the crustacean period. [goes to Cecil, who is blindfolded] Next up, [appears behind him with a gooey food full of bugs] Dad Star. [close-up of food, foghorn blows]
[Cecil takes the fork in the food and smells it.]
Cecil: Smells dead-licious! [bites it, it splatters on him] Bleh! [falls over, audience gasps]
[Bunny gags and falls over face-first. A dolphin chirps.]
Patrick: Looks like we don't have a winner, but you'll both go home with a... [shows a stomach pump] Gastropump 3000 stomach pump! [hands appear to gesture to it] If it's poison you ingest, get the best! [multiple hands appear, with one being replaced with a monkey hand] Gastropump 3000.
[Star transition to GrandPat carving himself on a grain of rice, using a magnifying glass and chisel.]
GrandPat: Ah, I'm almost done carving my portrait on a grain of rice. Talk about [raises eyebrows] chiseled abs. [chuckles]
Patrick: [knocks door down] Surprise! [grain of rice shatters, audience groans]
GrandPat: [growls, puts down magnfiying glass] Dagnabbit! Boy, [shakes fist] why I ought to--
Patrick: [gets in his face] Congratulations! [his hair lands on GrandPat] You're the next contestant [grabs GrandPat] on...
[Patrick drags GrandPat away. GrandPat screams. Patrick's hair is left spinning in the air, and he grabs it.]
Patrick: "Explody Fold!" The rules are simple. While you were sleeping, I hid bombs [pokes GrandPat's eye] in your wrinkle folds...
GrandPat: What!? [Patrick runs away and hides behind sandbags]
Patrick: And you have to find them before they blow up! [puts on army helmet and ducks]
GrandPat: Oh, I hate game shows. [shrugs] Well, let's get this over with. [unclips his back folds, and dives into them] Yipee! [throws out cactus] Hm, [throws out birthday cake] ah. [throws out saxophone] Ah, looking... [pulls something out] Aha! [it's Uncle GrandPat]
Uncle GrandPat: [covering eyes] 99... one trillion! [uncovers eyes] Found you, little brother!
GrandPat: [puts him back in] Start over! I wasn't ready!
Patrick: Keep looking! [points to clock] Your time is almost up.
GrandPat: I've looked everywhere, [zoom out to show the room full of random objects] and I found a surprising amount of stuff, [pulls skin back] but no bombs.
Patrick: I wonder which folds are holding it. [turns around to show the bomb in his butt, audience gasps] Hmm.
[GrandPat glances at the camera. The bomb explodes, charring his skin and blowing his beard back. Patrick's butt is exposed.]
Patrick: That was "Explody Fold." Now let's meet our next contestant. [clam grows mechanical spider legs and walks off]
[Cut to Squidina's room.]
Squidina: Come on, people, learn your lines! Time is money!
[Cut to show she's talking to some dolls with video equipment. A doll falls over. Patrick comes in.]
Patrick: Squidina Star! [points to her] You get to play...
[The clam swallows Squidina, walks away, and spits her out. She and Patrick are in front of the time closet. A sign reads "Temporal Causality."]
Patrick: "Terrible Clausaly-me"!
Sandy: [flies in on rocket boots] It's called [takes his mic] "Temporal Causality."
Patrick: Hey, everybody, [pokes his eye] it's our resident brainiac, [gestures to Sandy] Sandy Cheeks!
Sandy: Temporal causality is when you go into the past to alter an object in the present. Today's object, [camera pans to a coffee cup on a podium] the common coffee cup. [walks to the cup] We take you back to the invention of the first coffee cup.
[Patrick spins the wheel on the time closet. It lands on a segment of Squidasaurus Rex. A dinosaur is heard roaring. Pterodactlys appear flying next to a volcano on the display. Squidina looks nervous. Patrick pushes her in.]
Patrick: Now go ahead and change the present!
Audience: Change the present!
[Squidina lands in prehistoric times. She sees Patrick CaveStar banging a rock against a flat rock.]
Patrick CaveStar: Me make coffee cup!
[He pours coffee from a pitcher onto the rock.]
Squidina: Sorry, CaveStar, I want to win a game show.
[She takes out a club and smashes the rock, then runs away. The coffee spills on Patrick CaveStar's hand and he screams, licks it, then sucks on his hand. Squidina returns the coffee cup, with Sandy and Patrick standing beside it.]
Squidina: Did it work?
Patrick: Nope! [audience groans] It's the same old cup. Try again.
[Squidina runs away. The wheel lands on a segment of a statue.]
Patrick: The Renaissance!
[Cut to Italy, where a sculptor is making a statue of a coffee cup. Squidina runs in and smashes it with her club, causing the statue to transform into The Thinker.]
Sculptor: [to camera] A-what-a happened-a?
Statue: [shrugs] I'm-a thinking!
[Squidina runs back to the coffee cup.]
Patrick: Nope! [buzzer blares, audience groans]
[The wheel lands on a segment of a sea monster. Cut to Squidina panting near the coffee cup.]
Patrick: Nope. [buzzer blares, audience groans]
[The wheel lands on a segment of Egypt.]
Patrick: Nope. [buzzer blares, audience groans]
[Shot of the coffee cup.]
Patrick: Nuh-uh. [buzzer blares, audience groans]
[The wheel lands on a segment of the Great Wall of China.]
Patrick: Yep!
Squidina: [excited noises]
Patrick: Just kidding. Nope. [buzzer blares, audience groans]
Squidina: [sad groan, deflates]
[The wheel lands on a picture of a castle. Everything except Squidina and the coffee cup are done in a geometric stained glass style.]
Patrick: Nope, nope.
Squidina: Darn. I smashed up all of history, but nothing's changed! I mean, the coffee cup didn't change.
Sandy: [painted] Help. Me.
Squidina: [hushed] I'll fix this.
[The wheel lands on a segment of outer space.]
Squidina: Is everything back to normal?
[Patrick turns around to show Sandy embedded into his back.]
Sandy: Yeah, mostly.
Patrick: This coffee cup isn't going anywhere. On to our next game! [gets on the clam] Whee-hee! [rides away]
[Squidina leaves in frustration. The camera zooms in on the coffee cup, as red lighting shades it. The coffee bubbles and grows a pair of eyes. It looks around and squints menacingly. Cut back to Patrick, with the clam now having a pair of shoes, walking up to Old Man Walker, who is in a headband and armbands.]
Patrick: Next up, an extreme obstacle course with Bikini Bottom's fittest--
[GrandPat, Squidina, Cecil, and Bunny, all with their own clam devices, fall on Old Man Walker. The audience shouts.]
Daddy Dartfish: Uh-oh, what's this? [the family revs their engines and look at Patrick ominously] Looks like your family is pretty annoyed at you for terrorizing them with a bunch of your stupid game shows. [appears in a circle] So that means it's time to play... [background and logo appear] "Battle of the Game Show Hosts!" The game where your family lets you know the fun and games are over!
[The family glares at Daddy Dartfish. He pops his bubble with the microphone.]
Patrick: [smiles nervously, then screams and runs]
[The rest of the family follows Patrick. An exhaust cloud transitions to them chasing him down the hallway.]
Patrick: [screaming]
Cecil: Let's start with round one, [shows button] and it's the lightning round! [hits button]
[Patrick gets shocked with lightning.]
Cecil: Don't you regret making your parents eat that rotten food?
Patrick: [hits button] A little, but it got good ratings!
Cecil: Wrong! [shocks Patrick again] Next question!
GrandPat: Don't you got anything better to do than hide bombs in my sensitive skin?
Patrick: [hits button] Uh, not usually! [gets shocked]
Bunny: And Patrick, how could you-- [notices dirt on her button] oh, this thing's filthy. [vacuums it, pressing the button and shocking Patrick three times]
Squidina: All right, game's over. So what'll it be, door number one?
[Door number one opens to show a pit of fire and saw blades.]
Squidina: Or door number two?
[Door number two opens to show an executioner chopping a coconut in half with a guillotine.]
Patrick: [screams, worried] Uh, I choose door number exit!
[Patrick's clam machine runs through the wall. Patrick flies up with a jetpack.]
Patrick: Hey, I won a jetpack! [laughs and flies away]
[The rest of the family goes back to the Battle of the Game Show Hosts stage.]
Cecil: And with that, [takes out microphone] I'm your host, Cecil Star.
Bunny: [putting on makeup and lipstick, disappointed] Oh, I thought I was gonna be the host. I got all dolled up just for the occasion. [puckers lips]
Squidina: But I have the most showbiz experience! It should be [points] me!
GrandPat: [shows cobwebs in his armpits] I'm older than dirt! I have [his face ages rapidly] seniority!
Cecil: Why don't we let the audience decide? That's right, [leans at screen] you at home! [caption reading "YOU!!!" appears on the screen] Yell now!
Bunny: Yeah! Just scream the name of your favorite host real loud, and then we'll hear it! [caption reading "YELL NOW!" appears]
Cecil: We can't hear you! [to screen] Louder! [caption reading "KEEP SCREAMING!" appears]
Squidina: That's the ticket! Keep screaming!
[GrandPat listens with an audio trumpet. The audience keeps screaming. The caption changes to "LOUDER!!!"]
Bunny, Cecil, GrandPat, and Squidina: Louder! Louder! Louder!
[The camera zooms over to the coffee cup, which rumbles. It grows a mouth, arms, and a dinosaur-like body. Bunny, Cecil, GrandPat, and Squidina are still screaming until a loud noise rumbles.]
Bunny, Cecil, GrandPat, and Squidina: Huh?
[Three fish run outside the window.]
Three fish: Run!
[The coffee cup dinosaur stomps on them. The Stars exit the house with their clam machines.]
Bunny: Huh?
[Upshot of the coffee cup dinosaur, which roars and snarls.]
Bunny, Cecil, GrandPat, and Squidina: [screams]
[Bunny and Cecil grab each other.]
Squidina: Wait, is that the coffee cup? [everyone stops screaming] I did change it! I won my game!
[Bunny and Cecil smile. The dinosaur stomps on all four of them. Patrick flies back down with his jetpack.]
Patrick: And we're back!
Four fish: [running past screaming] Run!
Patrick: [looks at the dinosaur and screams]
Dinosaur: [looks around]
Patrick: What's going on? [Sandy kicks off his jetpack, still attached to his back]
Sandy: We turned that coffee cup into a giant monster!
Cecil: [mustache sticks out from between toes] Patrick? Is that you?
Patrick: [lifts dinosaur's toe] Sorry about all the dumb games, Dad.
Cecil: That's okay, son. But now we gotta stop this monster! [Squidina, Bunny, and GrandPat pop out] As a family!
Patrick: [determined] You're right. [cut to a star shape] Star family, [Patrick's clam goes behind it and it turns out a robot head and torso] super hyper host formation, go!
[Cecil forms the left arm, Bunny forms the right arm, Squidina forms the legs.]
GrandPat: [hitting clam machine] Dang blasted thing! [it goes into the air] Oh!
[GrandPat forms the robot's butt.]
GrandPat: Oh, it stinks back here.
[Patrick's head lands and the robot is assembled.]
Dinosaur: [roars, then charges forward]
[The robot is propelled by fire from its butt.]
Dinosaur: [roars, stomps on a kid in the street]
Patrick: [screams, operates controls]
Dinosaur: [roars]
Patrick: [screams, continues with controls]
[Cut-ins show Cecil with a steering wheel, Bunny pulling levers from the ceiling, Squidina with two sideways levers, and GrandPat pulling two levers.]
GrandPat: Oh, my levers don't do anything!
[Right before the dinosaur and robot collide, their watches go off.]
Dinosaur: [looks at watch] Coffee break.
[The robot picks up the teapot on the Star house and offers it to the dinosaur.]
Dinosaur: [sniffs] Single origin light roast. Don't mind if I do.
[The robot pours it into the coffee cup.]
Dinosaur: Ah.
Robot: [female voice, laughs] He's always cranky before he gets his coffee. [waves hand]
Dinosaur: You know how it is. Now that I'm feeling better, let's play a game. It's called "The End."
[The words "The End!" are written on the screen.]
Audience: The end!
Patrick: [pops up, reading note card] The end is correct! [points mic at audience] We have a winner!
Audience: [cheering, clapping]