The Starry Awards/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Starry Awards/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with the Star family, without Patrick, eating eggs and bacon for breakfast.]
Bunny: Mmm. Oh, my. Where's Patrick?
Patrick: [giggles, slides under tablecloth]
Bunny: He never skips breakfast.
Cecil: I hope he's not trying to surprise me again. [chuckles] Last time [looks under tablecloth] he did that he almost gave me a heart attack. I don't think I can take another--
Patrick: [appears behind Cecil upside-down] Surprise!
Cecil: [screams, looks at Patrick and coughs eggs in his face]
[Cecil spits out pieces of bacon that form a smiley face. Patrick falls from the ceiling and takes out a "#1 Dad" mug.]
Patrick: Happy Father's Day!
Cecil: [coughs, takes mug] Thank you, son, but, uh, Father's Day was last year.
Patrick: [sadly] Oh, yeah. [takes mug] I'll just return this to the dump.
Cecil: [appears on the other side of the table] Wait! [takes mug] It's the thought that counts.
Patrick: [giggles]
Cecil: And I love this mug with [hugs it] all my heart, or at least what's left of it.
GrandPat: [grumbles, points to himself] That should be mine! [reaches for cup] I'm the number one dad! [climbs on table and takes it] Now gimme that mug!
Cecil: [fights for it back] No, Dad! You're too old to have nice things!
GrandPat: [takes it back] I've earned this! I've earned all the awards! [echoing, Patrick gasps and his eyes space out] All the awards!
[Patrick's head inflates and bursts into pillows with a "BLAM!" sound effect. A smaller version of his head sticks out.]
Patrick: [gasps] Let's host an award show for my show-show!
GrandPat: Awards? I want awards! [lets go of the cup]
Cecil: [flies backwards across the room] Whaa! [groans]
Squidina: Great idea, Patrick! People always tune in to award shows for the [poses] glitz, the glamour, and the [drums fingers on face] unexpected celebrity drama!
[A Starry Award, featuring a buff Patrick, transitions to the awards show's name written on a board with lights around it. A bouncer admits some people in. Backstage, Squidina sits on Patrick's back with a clipboard.]
Squidina: [as a fish walks past with cameras] More cameras! [a kid walks past with lightbulbs] More spotlights! [a construction worker is spray painting a pile of trash gold] Get those awards on the table and spray 'em. [slaps face] Ugh, do I have to do [takes out pen] everything around here?
[Slappy dips a carrot into a bowl of chum and bites into it. He passes out.]
Squidina: Who put a bowl of [points to bowl] chum on the table? Ugh! [appears with spotlights] And I want [lights turn on] spotlights [zoom out] everywhere!
Audience: [cheering and applause]
[Pan to Granny Tentacles' house. She is in bed with a sleep mask on.]
Granny Tentacles: [snores, laughs] Oh, my. Mr. President, you're such a tease.
[The president appears in her dream bubble and blows a raspberry. Construction noises are heard, and both of them look surprised. The dream bubble disappears and Granny Tentacles takes her mask off. A construction fish is jackhammering while another two are putting up spotlights.]
Granny Tentacles: [gasps, angry] What are you people doing in my bedroom?
Construction worker: The boss wants spotlights everywhere.
[He plugs in the lights. Granny Tentacles' eyeballs burn off, leaving only her pupils.]
Granny Tentacles: Aah! My eyeballs! I need those to glare!
[Spotlights transition to Patrick on stage, about to sing.]
Squidina: Live from Bikini Bottom, it's the first ever Starry Awards with your host, Patrick Star!
[Patrick briefly opens his eyes, then a spotlight shines on him. He grabs the microphone and stand.]
Patrick: ♪ Nighttime, it's when the stars come out! It's showtime time! [Squidina comes down from a rope and scatters a bucket of shiny things] We got stars in the sky! [Patrick gestures to it] We got stars on the ground! ♪ [sees an eyeball] Hey, wait a minute. [picks it up] That's not a star. That's GrandPat's glass eye. [small laugh, to GrandPat] Hey, GrandPat! [sticks his eye in, then goes back on stage] ♪ But everything else is a star! At the Starry Awards! And you're a star at the Starry Awards! ♪
[The spotlights go off.]
Audience: [cheering, applause]
Patrick: [bows] Thank you, thank you. First up we're presenting the [rubs foot on ground, puts hands behind back] Best Song in This Award Show award. I wonder who's gonna wi-iin! [wiggles eyebrows]
[Squidina walks up with an envelope on a cushion. A drumroll plays. Patrick takes the envelope.]
Patrick: [wiggles fingers] And the winner is... [reaches in and reads card] "The Starry Awards song!" [spotlight shines away from him] Huh?
[The spotlight goes to the sheet music for the song itself, which is sitting in the audience.]
Sheet music: [gasps goes to mic chattering indistinctly, accepts award from Squidina] I just didn't-- [cries music notes and leaves]
Audience: [cheers and applause]
[Granny Tentacles watches from the top of her house.]
Granny Tentacles: [growls] Oh, I hate award shows! [sarcastically] Oh, look at me. I never did anything, but I want a prize anyway! [clunk, spotlight shines] Huh?
Crew member: Hey, lady. Gotta put another light over here.
[Granny Tentacles' eyeballs shrink and light on fire.]
Granny Tentacles: [screams, falls off roof, groans, growls] That's it! [walks to Starry Awards] I'm gonna destroy that stupid show, and then they'll probably give me an award!
[Patrick walks back on-stage.]
Patrick: Now if you know the Star family, you know we love chewin' stuff. [to balcony seat] Here's looking at you, Granola.
Granola bar: [in balcony seat] Oh! [giggles]
Patrick: [bites the granola bar]
Audience: [gasps]
Patrick: Mmm, good. [swallows, jumps back on stage and picks up the mic] So crispies and crunchettes, it's time for the Best Bite award! ["The Nominees" logo appears on screen] And the nominees are ["Tinkle" logo appears] Tinkle biting [shot of Tinkle biting Patrick's butt] me! ["Nosferatu" logo appears] Nosferatu biting [shot of Patrick dramatically fainting in Nosferatu's arms while being bitten] me! ["Lady Zombie" logo appears] Lady Zombie biting [Lady Zombie bites Patrick, who has a bored expression] me! And [shot of Patrick biting his tongue] me biting me! I mean, [eyes shrink] my tongue! We ran outta envelopes, [drops mic and goes to a wheel with the four nominees on it] so let's spin the winner wheel!
[Patrick spins it and falls on his face. He runs to the side of the stage and throws a dart. It misses the wheel and hits Slappy, who has just gotten back up.]
Patrick: Looks like Slappy is our winner! [gives him a gold-painted carrot]
Slappy: Oh! [chomps, gulps]
Patrick: Don't eat it too fast. [points to carrot multiple times] The paint's still drying.
Slappy: [moans, falls on his face]
Patrick: [calling off-screen] Medic!
[Two paramedics carry Slappy on a stretcher as an ambulance siren blares. Patrick sits on top of Slappy and then jumps off.]
Patrick: And now, the award you've all been waiting for, [takes out scissors] Best Cutaway Segment! Will it be, [cuts away screen to show Pat-Tron and Quasar] Quasar and Pat-Tron, [cuts away screen to show Pat the Hapless] Pat the Hapless, [cuts away screen to show Cave Patrick] Cave Patrick, [cuts away screen to show Patgor, Dr. Plankenstien, and SpongeMonster] or Dr. Plankenstein's Castle?
[Cut to Dr. Plankenstein's castle.]
Patgor: Whaaa! Look, Master, look! We're nomdanated for a [jumps] reward!
[Pan to Plankenstein, who is mixing chemicals.]
Plankenstein: Ugh, Patgor, please.
[Plankenstein slurps the blue liquid he is mixing, which burns a hole in his tongue. He jumps up some boxes in front of a TV.]
Plankenstein: Award shows are for lamebrains and lunkheads. I am above such trifling claptrap.
Patrick: [on TV] And the winner is... [takes out quarter and scratches off a "Big Winner" card] Dr. Plankenstein's Castle!
Plankenstein: Hmm? I won? Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Ooh, I'm a special, special boy!
Patgor: [gasps, shakes SpongeMonster] Let's get that award! [tries to run into the TV]
Plankenstein: [jumps down] Hold on there, Patgor. [jumps on TV] We're 3D, and they're 2D.
Patgor: Ohhh, 2D.
Plankenstein: What we need is my latest invention, the two dimensionalizer! [rings bell]
[SpongeMonster picks his nose. Plankenstein jumps next to him and Patgor. A giant hammer smashes them. It lifts and they come out as flat 2D cutouts. On stage, Patrick is asleep.]
Patrick: [snoring]
[The 2D cutouts float to Patrick's right.]
Plankenstein: Hey, Rip Van Stinkle!
Patrick: Oh! Give it up for Plankenstein's Castle Crew! [they bow, he takes out a trophy] Happy birthday!
Patgor: [excited] Aah! [runs and tries to take it]
Plankenstein: [pushes him] Step aside, dumbo. This is my award.
Patgor: No! Shiny is mine!
[SpongeMonster attacks Patgor. Plankenstein jumps into the resulting fight cloud. Patrick throws the trophy away, crumples them up into a paper ball, and throws them into another trophy.]
SpongeMonster and Plankenstein: Whoa! [land in trophy]
[Granny Tentacles looks out from behind a spotlight.]
Granny Tentacles: [cackles] Hmm.
Patrick: [standing under a sandbag] Stay tuned for our next shiny award! It's sure to be a humdinger!
Granny Tentacles: [takes out scissors, snickers] Goodbye, Starry Awards.
Crew member: Hey! [Granny Tentacles hides the scissors] Do you have an [holds out badge] ID badge?
Granny Tentacles: [pats her clothes] Oh, dear. May I borrow yours, sweetie pie?
Crew member: [gives it to her] I don't see why not.
Granny Tentacles: Thanks, dearie. [puts it on, gasps] Where's your ID badge?
Crew member: [searches clothes] I-I-I know I had it here a second ago!
Granny Tentacles: [yelling] This man doesn't have an ID badge!
[A muscular crew member grabs the other one.]
Crew member: Wait! No, no, no, no! I have one, I swear! [gets pulled down]
Granny Tentacles: [laughs, snips scissors] Snip snip. [cuts sandbag]
Patrick: And the award for best stunt goes to...
[The sandbag falls next to Patrick, hits a floorboard, and catapults him into the air.]
Patrick: Aah! [hits a lightbulb and gets electrocuted]
Audience members: [put on sunglasses] Ooh!
[Patrick blubbers, falls, and sends the sandbag back up. The envelope lands and he reads it.]
Patrick: Me! [giggles]
Granny Tentacles: Dag [snaps fingers] nabbit! [sees sandbag rising] Huh? [gets crushed and groans]
Crew member: [off-screen] Hey, somebody plug in that spotlight!
[A light turns on and shines in Granny Tentacles' face. She screams and her face burns up.]
Granny Tentacles: This is gettin' old. [nose falls off]
[Patrick turns on a record player and stands in front of an "In Memoriam" screen.]
Patrick: Friends, the Starry Awards would like to honor the decently decreased with an extra sad in moronium presentation. [to audience] Please cry now. [audience crying, pictures of the characters appear] Zed the Zombie, the Flim Flam Brothers, the Flying Dutchman, Nosferatu, some guy named Lenny.
Lenny: Wait, why am I up there? [gets hit by a spotlight] Ooh! [his ghost rises] Oh, that's why.
[All of the deceased people are sitting at the top of the stage. Zed blows his nose. Lenny's ghost rises up.]
FlimFlam Brother: Hey, Lenny! Come on up! Welcome to the club!
[They all scoot over and Lenny sits down.]
Granny Tentacles: [walking home] Oh, razzin' frazzin' stupid award shows go on forever. [enters house and gasps, sees camera crew] Wha? Why are you still in my house?
Crew member: [points to spotlight] We're taking all these spotlights out of here.
Granny Tentacles: [relieved] Oh, finally.
Crew member: And we're replacing 'em with these brighter ones.
[A giant panel of spotlights shines through the wall and into Granny Tentacles' eyes, burning her body and lighting her eyes on fire.]
Granny Tentacles: Huh? Aah! [unplugs lights] That does it! I'm blowin' this whole kit and caboodle sky-high! [blows out eyes, bangs into door, leaves] And I can't believe my luck.
Patrick: Now who's ready for a very special award? [cheers and applause]
Audience: [cheering]
[Granny Tentacles sneaks backstage and goes to an award shaped like a singing fish plaque.]
Granny Tentacles: [laughs] Ho-ho. Oh, it'll be special all right, he he he. Whoever wins this award [takes out bomb] is gonna have a blast.
Fish plaque: ♪ Rockin' Rowboat sail along, doo dah!-- ♪
Granny Tentacles: [shoves bomb in its mouth] Shh. Zip it! [laughs] Hmm?
[She ducks behind the table. Squidina comes in and picks up the award.]
Squidina: There it is!
Patrick: Ladies and German man, [Granny Tentacles looks out between the curtains] tonight's final award goes to someone very special.
Squidina: [comes on stage with the award] She's kind and generous.
Patrick: And pretty darn forgiving. The Best Neighbor Ever award goes to...
Patrick and Squidina: [gesturing to her behind the curtains] Granny Tentacles!
Audience: [cheering]
Granny Tentacles: [confused] Huh? Wha--?
Patrick: Come on out here! You won!
Granny Tentacles: Ooh, well, goodness. [takes award] I don't have a speech prepared. Well, I do, but it contains words I can't say on television. Wow, [wipes tear away] thank you so much. Boy, do I feel awful for putting that bomb in your trophy. [realizes] Oh, no.
[The Star house explodes. Patrick, Squidina, and Granny Tentacles have blown up with only their footwear remaining. They appear as ghosts, next to Lenny and the others.]
FlimFlam Brother: Hey, look who it is!
Lenny: Come on, guys! Join the party!
[Patrick, Squidina, and Granny Tentacles all sit next to them.]
Patrick: So what'd you think of the show?
Squidina: The audience seems happy.
[Pan down to Cecil in the audience, drinking from his #1 Dad mug.]
Cecil: [slurps] Ah. I still think I got the best award of all.
GrandPat: [pops out of mug] Gimme it! It's my award! [cackles and hops away in it]
Cecil: [chases him] Oh, GrandPat, no! Give me that back! [catches him, grunts, he hops away] Get back here!
[GrandPat smashes into the screen. The camera irises out on his eye.]