Too Many Patricks/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Too Many Patricks/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode starts with a birthday party at a suburban house. Some kids are jumping in a bounce house, others are being entertained by a clown, and a table of presents is set out. Some adults are seen by a barbecue grill.]
Yellow fish: [putting hot dog in orange fish's empty hot dog buns] There we go. [clicks tongs]
Orange fish: Nice tongs.
Yellow fish: Merci.
Orange fish: Uh, what?
Yellow fish: [eyes open] Thanks.
Orange fish: Now we're talking.
Blue fish: And don't they smell delightful?
[Patrick walks past the house. The smell of the hot dogs wafts over to him, forming a hand and poking the back of the head.]
Patrick: Huh? [faces moves through head, looks through bushes, then smashes them] Patrick has caught the scent of food! [salivating, pupils darting] And he's hungry!
Orange fish and blue fish: [scream, run away and drop hot dogs]
Patrick: [eats hot dogs, holds out pinkies] Ah. [grabs grill, to yellow fish] Oh, hey, nice tongs.
Yellow fish: Merci. [clinks them]
Patrick: What?
Yellow fish: Thanks.
[Patrick dumps the grill's contents into his mouth, takes a burning coal from his mouth, and puts it in the yellow fish's pocket.]
[A kid is blowing out a Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy cake. Patrick picks up the table and dumps the contents of the table into his mouth: various food items, balloons, a crate of tools, bowling balls and pins, a tire, a log with an axe lodged in it, a fire hydrant, and a sarcophagus. The cake misses his mouth and splats on the ground.]
Patrick: Ooh, I love upside down cake! [throws table, crushing the gift table]
Mother: That does it. You are officially uninvited! [sprays hose at him]
Patrick: [the water goes over his head] Huh?
Clown: [gets hit with water, gurgles]
Helen the Felon: Oh...
[The clown's makeup comes off, revealing a live-action face.]
Kids: [laughing]
Clown: [gets angry] This is all your fault, you pink punk! [takes tongs from the yellow fish] Merci.
Yellow fish: What?
Clown: Thanks.
[The clown screams and chases Patrick with the tongs. Patrick runs away, only for the clown to slip on a piece of cake and hit Patrick. He crashes into the bounce house and it explodes.]
Patrick: [whistles, walks through bushes, runs away]
[A pan shows the bounce house destroyed and the clown laying on the ground, an overturned popcorn cart, a parent with his eye twitching, the flipped-over table, the yellow fish next to a burning grill, the mother with her hair swept from the explosion. The banner lands on three of the kids.]
Mother: I'm sorry your party was ruined, Timmy.
Timmy: Ruined? Are you kidding? I loved it!
Other kid: Yeah. It was the best party ever!
Kids: Best party ever!
[A party horn sound plays. Balloons transition to the Star house. Inside, various phones are ringing. Patrick walks in, and Squidina is trying to answer all of them.]
Squidina: [on one phone] Hello, Star residence. Squidina speaking. Ooh, I'll make sure he gets the message. [on another phone] Hello, Star residence.
Patrick: What's all the racket in here?
Squidina: [picking up phones] Everyone in town wants you to entertain at their parties now. [shows him various sticky notes] These messages are all for you!
Patrick: Wow! Just think of all the upside down cake I can eat. Tell 'em I'll attend every one of them [sticks out tongue to show sticky notes] myself.
Squidina: But Patrick, there's way too many parties for you to attend. Plus, you have to do The Patrick Show now!
Patrick: [tears up, bangs fist on floor] I can't do everything at the same time! [sniffles, cries] If only there were more of me.
Squidina: Wait a minute! Maybe there is a way! [zoom out to show time closet] The time closet!
Patrick: Yay!
[Cut to the outside of another house. Some kids are getting impatient.]
Kids: [chanting] Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!
Girl: We demand Patrick now or there will be tantrums!
Girl's mother: Now, now, kids, calm down. Patrick will be here soon.
[Pat the Hapless breaks through the fence.]
Squidina: [behind fence] Psst. All right, Pat the Hapless. [holds out a Patrick shirt] Now put on this uniform and entertain those kids. [hides]
Pat the Hapless: [pokes the shirt]
Girl: There he is!
Kids: [cheering]
Pat the Hapless: [points at kids, who react in shock] I will tell you kids of the bloodiest and most glorious [shot of him flexing] battle that I ever survived! [lightning strikes]
Girl: Hey, wait a minute. That's not Patrick!
Kids: Boo!
Helen the Felon: What did you do with Patrick!?
Kids: [shouting, throwing things at Pat the Hapless]
Girl's mother: [raises seahorse pinata] Hey, kids, look! It's time for the piñata!
[Zoom into Pat the Hapless's pupil, with the pinata remaining. It morphs into a giant snake-like monster that he recalls facing.]
Pat the Hapless: Vikrog, oh, many-colored beast of Lava Mountain, we meet again! [jumps at it and swings axe]
[Vikrog breathes fire on Pat, engulfing him. The memory ends.]
Pat the Hapless: I must save these ugly children! [runs through table and decapitates pinata, making a stream of candy come out] My berserker rage has been ignited. [swings again, spilling candy on kids] My bloodlust is unquenched! [chops through gifts and toys] Quench! Quench! Quench!
[The party is destroyed. A tree falls. Pat the Hapless runs around yelling.]
Kids: [cheering] Yay! Patrick is the best!
[Static transitions to a shot of a boy sitting at a table with a green balloon and a cake.]
Squidina: [voice-over] Are you having a party?
Boy: [nods] Mm-hm.
Squidina: [voice-over] Then you need a Patrick!
[Patrick walks in, waving, and eats the cake and part of the carrier.]
Boy: Oh! Whoa! [claps]
Squidina: [voice-over] Patricks are perfect for every party. ["CALL NOW!" text flashes] Call and order your Patrick now! [letters appear on-screen] And remember, you can't spell "party" without P-A-T, N and R, and Y. [disclaimer appears] May not be actual Patrick.
[Cut to Shady Shoals, where various old fish are watching the commercial.]
Yellow old man: Patrick better get here soon. [angry] We're not getting any younger!
Elders: [chanting] Patrick! Patrick!
Pat-Tron: [enters, wearing Patrick's shirt] Good evening, ladies and germs. [to old green fish] Another birthday, huh? [pokes him] You're like a time traveler. [spins head] But you're taking the scenic route! [presses head to play a laugh track, lifts head and takes out microphone] Seriously, though. You're all [extends microphone] old! [in front of room] You're all so old, the Big Bang brings back memories. [pushes on head to play laugh track again] You're all so old...
[The yellow old man opens his mouth to show a web with a spider crawling on it.]
Pat-Tron: [off-screen] You think carbon dating sounds like a romantic evening!
[A green old man falls asleep into an old woman's lap. A drum snare plays.]
Yellow old man: You stink! You wasted what little life I have left!
Elders: [booing, throwing things]
Yellow old man: Get out of here!
Pat-Tron: [tugs collar] Tough room detected.
Old lady: Don't let the door hit you on the way out!
Girl's mother: [raises pinata] Hey, kids, look! It's time for the piñata!
Pat-Tron: Allow me!
[Pat-Tron blasts lasers from his eyes to cut the pinata, revealing dentures, diapers, and eyeglasses. The elders run and pick up the prizes.]
Elders: Yippee! / Wahoo! / Party! / [cheering]
[Bubble transition to Lady Upturn's mansion. Various fancy fish are talking.]
Lady Upturn: I am ever most certainly anticipating the arrival of our eminent and sophisticated entertainment.
Woman in sunglasses: Cast thy gaze, for here he comes now!
[Cave Patrick cluelessly wanders down the stairs.]
Cave Patrick: Hoo? [walks up to Upturn and the guests, who are unnerved]
Fancy man: [nervous chuckle]
Cave Patrick: [notices red jewel on his shirt] Ooh! [takes it] Ahh. [chuckles] Ah! [sees Upturn's blue jewl ring] Ooh! [takes it, chuckles]
[Cave Patrick runs and rubs the two jewels together, creating sparks that light a potted rose on fire. He blows on it and ignites the rest of the flowers. He throws the jewels away and warms himself by the fire. The partygoers clap.]
Lady Upturn: Excellent!
Fancy old man: I am very much on board with this fellow.
[The mansion burns, with the flames engulfing Regigilled. A party horn is heard as some balloons transition to Pat the Hapless knocking on the Star house's front door.]
Patrick: [opens door] Do I know you?
Pat the Hapless: [proudly] Magnificent news, comrade. Each and every party was attended and all bad moods vanquished. The campaign was a success! I am done!
Patrick: [cheerfully] Oh, no. That was just for Tuesday. [gives him a long list] You still have all these to go to! [more serious] Don't be late. [door slams]
Pat the Hapless: [growls]
[Balloons transition to the Bureau of Bureaucracy. Bobby Babbingtona nd two of his employees look uncomfortable. Pat the Hapless does a dance to disco music. He does a spin, and an employee gasps. He finishes spinning, having chopped through some presentations with his axe, which fall on him.]
[A cowboy boot transitions to the outside of a barn. The partygoers are wearing Western outfits and dancing.]
Pat-Tron: Swing your partner round and round, [spins] faster than the speed of sound! [spins so fast he digs down into the wood]
Cowgirl: C'mon, partner!
[The partygoers step on Pat-Tron's head, activating his laugh track multiple times.]
[A flower bouquet transitions to a funeral.]
Mourning man: [crying]
Mourning woman: If only we could have seen each other one last time. [throws flower on, coffin opens] What the--!?
[Cave Patrick is inside the coffin, holding a balloon.]
Cave Patrick: Happy funeral party! [balloon pops]
Old lady #2: It's a zombie!
Mourning woman: Let's get him!
[The crowd shouts and holds out weapons.]
Old lady #3: [takes out flamethrower] Hey, zombie, need a light? [sprays it and cackles]
[Cave Patrick nervously lowers the coffin lid.]
[Balloon transition to Pat the Hapless at a party, being attacked by Old Man Walker and a bunch of kids.]
Squidina: [off-screen, on TV] Now back to The Patrick Show!
Patrick: [on TV, laying on a giant mattress] Hey, this one's really comfy. I'll test [Squidina comes in with three mattresses on a forklift] all these other mattresses after this. But right now, I'm just gonna keep laying here. [Pat the Hapless keeps getting punched] You know what's better than testing mattresses? It's testing mattresses and [takes out three pies] different flavors of pie. Much better than getting [Pat the Hapless keeps getting punched] punched in the head by a kid. [Pat the Hapless growls] Stay tuned for more The Patrick Show.
[Patrick lays back on the matterss, having eaten a few pies.]
Patrick: All this mattress testing and pie eating is [throws pie on his stomach away] hard work. I think it's time for the [curls up on mattress] on-camera nap segment of The Patrick Show.
[Pat the Hapless swings the door open, smacking it into the wall.]
Patrick: Huh?
Squidina: Huh?
Pat the Hapless: I don't [stomps foot, making a hole in the floor] want to do parties! The hosting crown is [takes pie] rightfully mine!
Patrick: No, I want to [takes pie] host [Pat the Hapless tries to take it back, and they struggle] The Patrick Show!
Pat the Hapless: No, I want to host The Patrick Show!
Pat-Tron: [entering] No, I want to host The Patrick Show!
Cave Patrick: No, [pokes eyeball] me want host!
Bug Patrick: Host! [alien gibberish]
Patrick: [takes pie back] No! I refuse to give up my show.
Pat the Hapless: Huh? [gets angry]
Patrick: [walks on mattress] Beauty is in the pie of the beholder. The [points to himself] pie-holder. [assumes ready stance]
[The other Patricks all attack Patrick, creating a big fight cloud. People on the street gather to watch.]
Squidina: [opens curtains and sees people] Huh? [rubs chin] Hmm... [points] Hold that pose!
[The music stops as all the Patricks are stuck mid-fight. Squidina sets posts with ropes around the mattress, making it a boxing ring. She looks at it while positioning her fingers like a frame. She climbs onto a stool and gets behind the camera.]
Squidina: And action!
[The Patricks keep fighting. Pat the Hapless launches himself with the ropes. Patrick's pie falls out of his hand.]
Patrick: Ooh, upside down pie! [reaches for it, and Pat the Hapless bounces off his butt]
Pat the Hapless: Whoa! [bounces through time closet, which opens to show a barbarian tower; the closet closes and dings]
Pat-Tron: [stands on ropes and snaps pincers, jumps at Patrick]
Patrick: [picking up clumps of pie filling] I don't even need to chew this!
Pat-Tron: [bounces off Patrick's back] Whoa! [flies out into space through the door, closet chimes]
Cave Patrick: [chews on ropes, launches himself]
Patrick: [slips on pie filling and falls over] Oh!
Cave Patrick: [yells, gets sent through the door to his prehistoric house, door closes and chimes]
Patrick: [laying belly-up, picks up pie crust] Oh... I broke my pie. [whimpers]
[Bug Patrick bounces off Patrick's belly and flies into the time closet, which leads to Granny Tentacles' living room. The closet closes and chimes twice. Patrick eats the rest of the pie off his hand as the audience cheers. Bubble transition back to an exterior shot of the house. Squidina has put a bunch of phones in a trash can and Patrick is holding a pie with mostly filling.]
Patrick: Well, Patrick, I guess it's safe to say your partygoing days are behind you. That's where you're wrong, Squidina. I have an even better way to attend all the parties. Hold my lunch, please. [gives her the pie tin]
[Patrick jumps into a cheese grater, shredding him into slices of smaller Patrick copies.]
Mini-Patricks: Party!
[Squidina blinks, confused.]