Big Baby Patrick/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Big Baby Patrick/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens in the Star house's living room. Patrick walks in from the kitchen, carrying a giant bucket of ice cream with butter on top.]
Patrick: [humming] Time to enjoy an afternoon of TV with a light snack: [close-up of snack] buttered ice cream with extra butter and sprinkles!
[Patrick sits on the couch and dumps the entire bucket into his mouth, getting extremely fat. He breaks the couch and falls, creating a hole in the floor. Bunny and Cecil walk past, Bunny carrying a box of baby toys and Cecil carrying a stuffed rabbit.]
Bunny: Are you sure about this, dear?
Cecil: Sure! Patrick won't mind...
Patrick: [looks out from hole] Huh?
[He slides under them and blocks the door.]
Patrick: [nervously] Where are you going with my baby things?
Bunny: [puts box down] Oh, we were just clearing out the closet to make room for your father's home theater!
[Cut to a bunch of actors in costumes, crammed into a closet.]
Female actor: Romeo, Romeo, where the heck are you?
Male actor: [being sat on by her] You're sitting on my head.
Bunny: It's getting a bit cramped.
Patrick: [grabs bunny toy] You're throwing out Mr. Whiskers!? [hugs it, making it pop, pants heavily]
[Patrick looks in the box and pulls out a rock with teeth in it. He smiles with one tooth.]
Patrick: Aw, my teething rock! [takes out spiked rattle] My battle rattle! [hits himself, making his head shake, smiles and picks up a jellyfish toy] Mr. Jelly Face! [stretches it over his head, snapping it]
Bunny: Honey, [picks up box] this stuff is for babies! [looks at baby clothes] You're not a baby anymore!
Patrick: [takes clothes, tries to put them on] But... if I [rolls eyes, smiles] was a baby, could I keep it all?
Bunny: [holding pacifier] I... suppose so?
[Patrick bites the pacifier out of her hand and sucks on it.]
Patrick: Then Patrick baby now! [throws his shirt in Bunny's face and his pants in Cecil's face] Goo goo!
[He takes the box of toys, babbles, puts on a bonnet, and plays with a toy boat. He bangs a rattle against the ground, then bites the head off and chews it. Cecil and Bunny are uncomfortable.]
Cecil: Uh... [to Bunny] I don't know about this.
Bunny: Don't worry! If Patrick wants to be a baby, we'll treat him like one until [winks] he gets sick of it!
[Cecil smiles. Transition to Cecil bringing a pizza into the kitchen. Squidina and GrandPat sit at the table with utensils.]
Cecil: Who wants pizza?
Squidina and GrandPat: Me!
[Cecil tosses the pizza into the air and catches it on his head. He spins around.]
Cecil: [burbling]
[Three slices of pizza hit GrandPat's eyes and mouth. He eats them all. Squidina opens her mouth and a pizza slice shaped like her face hits her in the face. She eats it. Cecil keeps spinning and flinging more pizza around the room.]
GrandPat and Cecil: [opening mouths] Aah!
[Patrick is sitting in a high chair. Bunny has a jar of baby food.]
Patrick: Pizza!
[Patrick opens his mouth to catch the pizza. Bunny blocks a slice with her bare hand before it can reach him.]
Bunny: Ah-ah-ah! [throws pizza away] Babies don't eat pizza! [gives him spoonful of baby food] Babies eat baby food!
Patrick: [pouts and folds arms] Hmph!
[Patrick's mouth moves around his head as Bunny tries to feed him.]
Bunny: Open the hangar! Come on! Open up for the airplane!
Patrick: [opens mouth] Aaah...
Bunny: Perfect!
[She throws the baby food away, takes out two air traffic control lights, and motions towards Patrick.]
Bunny: Ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah!
[A plane flies towards Patrick and into his mouth. Bunny ducks under it. Patrick increases in size. Bunny burps him.]
Bunny: [smacks] One, [smacks] two, [smacks] and aah!
[Patrick spits out an inflatable slide and a pilot.]
Pilot: Thank you for flying with us today, folks, and please watch your step when you exit the baby.
[Lady Upturn, Rube, and a kid exit the slide. Cut to static. Two wrestlers growl at each other, and one rips a fish in half, making confetti come out of his body.]
Announcer: Who's ready? [as title appears and flashes colors] For Rasslin' Rumble Rampaaage!
[Cecil turns the TV off.]
Cecil: Uh uh uh! [Patrick's pacifier drops out of his mouth] Babies don't get to watch grown-up TV.
Patrick: [cries, picks up Cecil]
Cecil: [points to Patrick] Ah, somebody's cranky!
[Patrick throws Cecil into the wall as a crash is heard. Cecil comes back with bruises and a black eye.]
Cecil: What you need is a nap! [picks up Patrick] And I know how to put you right to sleep!
[Transitions to Cecil driving Patrick down a road. Patrick is in a booster seat and holds a juice box.]
Cecil: I used to take you on rides like this all the time.
[Cecil's car runs a red light. Two cars crash into each other. Cecil is now in the back seat.]
Cecil: Something about the sound of the engine... [the car runs over trash cans] the movement of the car...
[A building transitions to Slappy standing at a crosswalk, licking an eyeball in an ice cream cone. The car, without a driver, runs over Slappy. He gets stuck to the wheel.]
Cecil: And those gentle vibrations put you right to sleep... [falls asleep, snores]
[Bunny is ironing in the living room. The car crashes through the door and falls apart. A wheel with Slappy stuck to it bounces in.]
Cecil: Well, it took a while, but he's out like a light.
Patrick: [yawns and stretches, smacks lips]
Bunny: [rubs Patrick's cheek] Aw, isn't he adorable?
Slappy: [laughs] Yes. He's like a sleeping angelfish.
[Squidina runs into the room.]
Squidina: Patrick! Nap time's over! [grabs him] Time for your show! [throws him, grunts]
[Patrick bounces on-stage and does nothing.]
Lawnie #1: [coughs]
Squidina: [throws rattle] Quick, here's a prop!
[The rattle hits Patrick in the head. He shakes it.]
Lawnie #2: Wait a second! I get it! He's doing a baby act!
Lawnies: [admiring noises]
[Patrick laughs, does a dance, and then soils his diaper. He tears up and has a crying fit on-stage.]
Squidina: [groans] Cue the cartoon!
[She pulls down a rope that has a TV with static on it. It shows a Captain Quasar cartoon.]
Announcer: Captain Quasar in...
Kids: Diapers!
[The logo explodes to show the S.S. Super Minnow in space. A Saladrian ship flies up to it and readies a laser. Quasar, as a baby, is in the front seat of his ship.]
Quasar: Ooh, the bad guys found it! Fire the waser beams!
Pat-Tron: [tries to reach the levers, but fails] But Captain, I can't weach the buttons!
Quasar: [tries to reach the controls] Me neither! [hugs Pat-Tron]
Quasar and Pat-Tron: Waaah! We're too young to die! [crying]
[King Saladrian is watching them on a TV. Another Saladrian turns around to him.]
Saladrian: Your majesty, should we take the shot?
King Saladrian: I don't know, I mean... they're just cute little babies! Maybe we shouldn't blast them into oblivion!
Quasar: [lifts finger] Now, Pat-Tron! Engage uppies!
[Pat-Tron lifts Quasar and lets him reach the lever. He pulls it down and a giant laser aims at the Saladrian ship.]
King Saladrian: Oh, poop.
[Quasar's laser blasts the Saladrian ship and flies off. Cut to static, then Bunny looking at the front door. The doorbell rings.]
Bunny: Now who could that be?
[She opens the door, revealing SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: [raises two jellyfishing nets] Who's ready for--
Patrick: [off-screen] Waaah! [crying]
SpongeBob: ...jellyfishing?
Bunny: Sorry, SpongeBob. Patrick decided to be a baby today.
[An exhausted Cecil is trying to comfort a crying Patrick.]
Patrick: [notices, runs to him] SpongeBob! Yay!
[Patrick runs into the box of baby toys Bunny is holding, flattening his face.]
Bunny: Uh-uh! If you're old enough to go jellyfishing, you don't need these anymore!
Patrick: [runs in front of her and grabs the box] No! Baby want toys [takes net] and jellyfishing!
[Patrick sits on the box and hits Cecil with his battle rattle repeatedly.]
Bunny: [shrugs] Sorry, SpongeBob. You'll have to come back when Patrick decides to grow up.
SpongeBob: [points to self] I might be able to help with that! If you don't mind me doing a little [making air quotes] "babysitting"?
Cecil: [with a 5 o'clock shadow, as Patrick hits him] Could he please? I really could use a break.
[Bunny smiles at SpongeBob, and he winks at her. He runs into the house.]
SpongeBob: Okay, baby! [takes out holder] Wanna go for a walk?
[Shot of the holder as glorious music plays.]
Patrick: [amazed gasp, falls into holder] Walkies!
[SpongeBob nearly collapses from Patrick's weight, and tries to carry him outside.]
SpongeBob: [grunting]
Patrick: Walkie, walkie, walkie, walkie, walkie, walkie, walkie, walkie!
[Pan to a landscape. SpongeBob struggles to carry Patrick up a hill. Patrick is asleep and sucking on a pacifier. SpongeBob pulls it out, waking him up.]
SpongeBob: [staged] Oh, would you look at that? We walked all the way to [leaning close to Patrick] the Goofy Goober! [shot of the restaurant] Should we go inside?
Patrick: [running ahead] Ice cweam! [runs past a kid and his mother] Ice cweam! [giggling]
Mother: Oh, my! What a big, strong boy!
Kid: He looks like he's 40.
[Pan to kids in Goofy Goober's. SpongeBob and Patrick are seated at a table.]
SpongeBob: [looks behind him] Ooh! [to Patrick, pointing backwards] Here comes our ice cream!
Patrick: [cheers]
Waiter: [sets two sundaes down] Okay, two ice cream sundaes and--
Patrick: Ice cweam!
[He tries to grab it, but the waiter takes it away.]
Waiter: Hey! Didn't you see the sign? [shot of a "No Babies" sign] We don't serve babies at the Goofy Goober!
[A muscular bouncer stands next to the sign.]
SpongeBob: Oh, that's right. Babies can't have ice cream at the Goofy Goober. [Patrick looks sad] I guess we'll just have the one sundae. Unless someone wants to grow up! [smirks at Patrick]
[Patrick tears up, then looks angry and pouts.]
SpongeBob: [deflates]
Waiter: ...Right. Look, just don't give the baby any ice cream.
SpongeBob: [nervous laugh, then takes a bite of the sundae] Mmm! Oh, this is so good!
Patrick: [looks over at SpongeBob, sweats]
SpongeBob: Too bad babies can't eat ice cream!
[Patrick smashes his head into the sundae, then grabs a glob and puts it in his mouth.]
Patrick: [sighs]
SpongeBob: Patrick! Stop eating my sundae!
Patrick: [eats the rest of the ice cream left over]
SpongeBob: Mmph. [puts other sundae up, Patrick grabs it with his tongue, gets angry] No! You're supposed to watch me eat the ice cream and want your own so bad that you grow up and stop being a baby!
Bouncer: Baby? [walks up to table] Did you just give ice cream to [points in Patrick's face] this baby?
SpongeBob: [nervous laughter] No, I, uh-- [hyperventilating] But he's not... a baby... is he?
Bouncer: Enough! You broke our "no baby" rule! Now, you've banned from the Goofy Goober for life!
SpongeBob: B-b-b-[grabs head] banned? For life?
[SpongeBob starts tearing up. His bowtie goes to the top of his head, turning him into a baby. He starts crying.]
SpongeBob: [crying]
Patrick: [sucks his thumb]
SpongeBob: [spits out a rattle, shakes it]
Bouncer: Wait a minute. [takes off sunglasses, revealing another pair] Are you a baby too?
[Transition to outside the Star house. The doorbell rings. Cecil answers.]
Cecil: Hello?
Bouncer: [holds up SpongeBob and Patrick by the diapers] Do these helpless babies belong to you?
SpongeBob: Ga ga!
Cecil and Bunny: [scream]
Bouncer: Yeah, you should be horrified! Leaving two innocent babies unsupervised like that! For shame! [shoves the babies into them]
Cecil: No, please! I'm not ready to be a father!
SpongeBob: [crying]
Bunny: This one isn't even--
Bouncer: [slams door shut]
Bunny: --ours.
Squidina: Uh, what's going on?
Bunny: Oh, sweetie, [holds out SpongeBob for her] can you take him for a minute, please? [with bloodshot eyes, as SpongeBob hits her with a rattle] Mama really needs a rest.
Squidina: Now SpongeBob's a baby!? Uh... I won't be able to babysit because... [puts on a bodysuit] I'm a baby too! [lays on the floor, pounds it with her fists, and cries] Waah! Waaaah!
Bunny: Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
[Bunny and Cecil throw SpongeBob and Patrick off their backs, put on bodysuits, and suck pacifiers. All the "babies" are seen sitting together.]
Male singer: Bum ba dum bum bum...
[An opened tissue box transitions to Patrick riding a rocking horse, Bunny waving a rattle, and Cecil kicking his legs on the floor!]
Female singers: They're all babies! A whole family of babies!
[A shot of baby Patrick has cut-ins of Cecil, Squidina, SpongeBob, and Bunny appear. SpongeBob plays with peanut butter on the kitchen table.]
Female singers: Well, not that one! He's more of a family friend!
[Squidina rides on Tinkle as he pulls Patrick, Bunny, and Cecil in a wagon.]
Female singers: They're not grown-ups!
[Patrick and Cecil fight over a building block at the top of a block tower.]
Female singers: They're definitely babies!
[Squidina takes a block from the bottom of the tower, causing it to collapse. Bunny is drawing on the kitchen walls. In the background, Squidina comes up from the rubble, and Patrick and Cecil land on her.]
Female singers: And as babies, they can't be held accountable for their actions!
[A curtain with "Baby Stars" written on it comes down. The babies burst out of the curtain.]
Female singers and babies: Baby Stars!
[Cut to the babies in a messy living room.]
Patrick: What do we pway now?
Bunny: [high-pitched voice] Oh, oh, oh! [stands up] Pway "famiwy"!
Cecil: [stands up, high-pitched voice] I'll be the daddy! [puts on a different mustache, deeper voice] What's for dinner?
Bunny: [high-pitched voice] I'll be the mommy! Eggs and spaghetties!
[Bunny and Cecil go into the living room from the kitchen.]
Patrick: And I'll be the big, dumb older bwother!
Squidina: And I'll be the overachieving younger sister!
SpongeBob: [floating in sink as a kitchen sponge] And I'll be the kitchen sponge! [laughs]
[Squidina is standing on Patrick and looking at SpongeBob in the sink.]
Squidina and Patrick: [laughing]
Patrick: Ah, I guess this means we're all back to normal now.
[Cecil is slicing ham as Bunny stirs a pan on the stove.]
Cecil: [still with different mustache] Everybody's gotta grow up sooner or later.
GrandPat: [off-screen] Not me!
[Cecil and Bunny look to see GrandPat in a diaper and bonnet.]
GrandPat: I like to be pampered! [gets in carriage, takes out baby bottle] Waaaah! [crying]
Bunny: Well, Patrick, after everything that's happened, I think it's your turn to babysit.
Patrick: [disappointed] Awww... yes, mom.
[A diaper transitions to Patrick, wearing a cloak in the rain, dropping GrandPat off at the front doorstop of an orphanage. Lightning strikes. Patrick runs away as GrandPat cries.]
GrandPat: [crying]