Big Pink Loser/transcript

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Narrator: Welcome to Bikini Bottom. Welcome where we found the finest specimens of undersea life. Aha. Well, here not. [Patrick is sleeping and when he wakes up there is a box in his mouth]
Patrick: An award? I never got an award before! Eeeee! Look rock, I got an award. [arrow on top of rock breaks] Jellyfish, I got an award. [jellyfish zap him and he jumps up above the surface] Island, I got an awar... [chokes for air and floats back down] I gotta show SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: [building a house of cards looking like Gary] Hold still, Gary.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Almost done. [Patrick opens door and cards fall on the floor]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, guess what? I got an award.
SpongeBob: That's great, Patrick. What's it for?
Patrick: See for yourself.
SpongeBob: For Outstanding Achievement In Achievement: SpongeBob SquarePants?
Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants? That's a funny way to spell my name.
SpongeBob: Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.
Patrick: But, it's shiny.
SpongeBob: Yeah, but you know what else is shiny?
Patrick: Ice Cream!
SpongeBob: Exactly!
Patrick: I can find it. Is it in here?
SpongeBob: No, don't. That's my... [a bunch of awards pile out of SpongeBob's closet] ...award closet.
Patrick: I want an award. [starts to cry]
SpongeBob: Aww, Patrick, don't cry.
SpongeBob: You'll get an award one day.
Patrick: I'm never gonna get an award because I haven't done anything.
SpongeBob: But you're Patrick...Star. You can do anything you want.
Patrick: That's east for you to say. You're SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Patrick, if you wanna win an award, you have to do something.
Patrick: Hmmm...I wanna defeat the giant monkeyman and save the 9th dimension!
SpongeBob: Me too! But that sounds a little hard. Why don't we start smaller?
Patrick: I wanna defeat the little monkeyman and save the 8th dimension!
SpongeBob: Smaller. [shrinks]
Patrick: Doctor?
SpongeBob: Smaller. [shrinks more]
Patrick: Fireman?
SpongeBob: [said in the tiny voice] The smallest you can think of. [shrinks even more]
Patrick: A job at the Krusty Krab?
SpongeBob: [normal voice] Yeah!! I do things at work all the time.
Patrick: Then let's go.
Patrick: Boy, it sure was nice of Mr Krabs to give me a job.
SpongeBob: And at 50 dollars an hour, too. When I started working here, I had to pay Mr Krabs 100 dollars an hour. Hey, Squidward, guess who just got a job?
Squidward: Guess who just quit? [puts his hat on Patrick's head]
Patrick: Do I get my award yet?
SpongeBob: You have to work for it, remember?
Patrick: Tartar sauce. [SpongeBob flipping patties]
SpongeBob: Pick up order! [Patrick comes and eats the order]
Patrick: Do I get my award, now?
SpongeBob: No, you have to take the tray to the customer.
Patrick: Ok. [tray gets to table but with no food. Patrick burps]
SpongeBob: Almost. Try again and this time make sure the food gets to the table. [Patrick arrives with food on tray but then eats it as he sits down]
Patrick: Like that?
SpongeBob: Nope.
Patrick: [spits out food at the customer as he talks] Barnacles!
SpongeBob: Let's try something different.
SpongeBob: All you have to do is answer the phone.
Patrick: Ok, SpongeBob. [phone rings]
Guy On Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick. [hangs up and starts whistling] [phone rings again]
Girl On Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [annoyed] No! this is Patrick! [hangs up and continues to whistle] [phone rings, yet again]
Guy On Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [irritated] NO!!! THIS IS PATRICK!!! [puts phone down] I'm not a Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
Patrick: Huh? Oh, Fishpaste!
SpongeBob: It looks a little dusty around table 3. How about you sweep it out? [hands Patrick a broom]
Patrick: What's the point? I can't do anything right.
SpongeBob: You'll do fine. [Patrick sweeps with the top instead of the bottom]
Customer: Hey pal. You just blow in from Stupidtown?
SpongeBob: Keep trying, Patrick.
Delivery Guy: I've got a load of awards for SpongeBob SquarePants. [Patrick gets mad and sweeps harder]
Patrick: Why can't I do anything right? [bangs the bottom of the broom on the floor making dust rise all over the Krusty Krab's dining area, which makes the nearby customers start coughing]
SpongeBob: [pushing Patrick] Kitchen!
Patrick: I'm never going to get an award, now.
SpongeBob: Don't give up, Patrick. This time I've got something I know you can do. We're gonna open a jar. [gets a jar and opens the lid] Easy. Now you try. First get a jar. [Patrick gets out a pickle] Patrick, that's a pickle.
Patrick: Yes.
SpongeBob: You need a jar. [picks a spatula] No. [picks his pants] No. [picks up SpongeBob] No. Try...this! [gives Patrick a jar] Now take the lid off the jar. [puts the lid in his mouth] Just relax. Lift your hand. Great! We're almost there. Now put it on the lid. [puts hand on counter] No the lid. [Patrick tries for the lid over and over as SpongeBob keeps telling him "the lid". Few seconds later, Patrick is almost there] Freeze!! [hand is on the side of the jar] Almost there. Now head for the lid. [hand goes lower] Cold. [hand goes higher] Warmer. [hand goes higher] Warmer. [hand goes higher] Warmer. You're hot. You're on fire!!
Patrick: Ow, it burns!
SpongeBob: Ok, ok. Wait, wait. Do exactly as I do. [takes it off again] Exactly as I do. [takes it off again] Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
Patrick: Exactly as you do. [takes lid off jar] Oh, no, I broke it!
SpongeBob: No, no, Patrick, you did it!
Patrick: I did? [both cheer as Patrick throws the jar into the floor] Touchdown!
SpongeBob: That was great, Patrick! You really got the hang of it.
Patrick: Yeah. Remember when I had my up? And I put it on the lid?
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
Patrick: Then I took the lid off and I thought I broke it.
SpongeBob: [laughs] Yeah.
Patrick: But I didn't. I opened the jar with my hand. And it was all because you showed me how to do it. I'm never gonna forget this.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you do exactly what I do and you'll have an award in no time. [night becomes day in SpongeBob's House then clam cock-a-doodle-doo's everyone up] I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. [notices Patrick dressed up like him]
Patrick: Good morning, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Wow. It's amazing how a simple change of clothes can make a guy look...just...like...me.
Patrick: Yup. If I'm gonna be an award winner, I've gotta dress like one.
SpongeBob: That's creepy...but flattering! I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready... [Patrick copies SpongeBob then SpongeBob stops]
SpongeBob: Well, back to the ol' grind.
Patrick: Well, back to the ol' grind.
SpongeBob: Forget my hat.
Patrick: Uhh, me, too.
SpongeBob: [SpongeBob mops the floor then puts the mop up. Patrick mops the floor but makes it slippery. SpongeBob comes out with a handful of plates and slips and breaks them all. Patrick follows in SpongeBob's footsteps]
SpongeBob & Patrick: Whew! [drops his spatula]
SpongeBob: [laughs] Dropped my spatula. [bends down to pick it up]
Patrick: Uhh, me, too. [drops spatula then picks it up. Patrick copies SpongeBob's every move including putting his hand on the grill. Patrick's hand burns after a few seconds]
SpongeBob: Aha! [shows the fake hand] You're copying me!
Patrick: Yes.
SpongeBob: Why are you doing that?
Patrick: So I can get an award like you.
SpongeBob: Well, it's annoying, so stop it!
Patrick: Stop it. [both imitate the others facial expressions]
SpongeBob: Say, you're good.
Patrick: Thanks.
SpongeBob & Patrick: Ha! Darn. Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as...pickled fish lips!! [both cover their mouth] Sea weavle. Gorgy smorgy.
SpongeBob: [voice over] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
Patrick: [voice over] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
SpongeBob & Patrick: Ahh!
SpongeBob: Stop copying me!
Patrick: There's no award for that.
Squidward: [leaning against a pole and reading] Well, I guess it's safe to go in, now. [puts hat back on and walks in]
SpongeBob: Patrick, how long are you going to keep this up?
Patrick: Until I have as many awards as you.
SpongeBob: We'll see about that!
Patrick: No, we won't.
SpongeBob: [takes out a jump-rope] I'm the jump-rope champion of Bikini Bottom.
Patrick: Me, too. [takes out a jump-rope]
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah? I call this one: The Slice N' Dice. [crosses arms and jump-ropes while Patrick tries to imitate but ties himself up with his rope] Ha! Not a scratch on me. [body breaks down into pieces]
Patrick: Oh, no you don't! [squeezes the rope on himself breaking his body down into smaller pieces. Then both hit a hammer on their heads]
SpongeBob: Not much fun being me, now, huh Patrick?
Patrick: Are you kidding? I used to do this way before I started copying you. [Patrick hits himself too hard and stops and gets a headache. SpongeBob runs into Patrick's rock painted as a SpongeBob's house]
Patrick: My turn! [runs into the pineapple rock]
SpongeBob: [runs into his pineapple] I wish I had the old Patrick back, but he just want to be like me. [comes out of house dressed like Patrick] Hi, I'm Patrick Star. I'm the laziest, pinkest starfish in Bikini Bottom and I wish I were me and not SpongeBob.
Patrick: What's so great about being a Big Pink Loser? [SpongeBob's nose pokes out] Exactly. I was never closer to an award then the minute I started copying you.
SpongeBob: But, Patrick...
Patrick: Patrick's not here!
Delivery Guy: Trophy delivery! [shoves a trophy box in SpongeBob's mouth]
SpongeBob: Another trophy?
Patrick: Oh, great! What's it for this time?
SpongeBob: 'For Doing Absolutely Nothing Longer Than Anyone Else'.
Patrick! This trophy's for you!
Patrick: Yay! [puts trophy on head] Eee!
SpongeBob: So, what are you going to do, now?
Patrick: I'm gonna go protect my title. [jumps in his rock and falls asleep]
Narrator: You thought I was kidding, did you? No, here in Bikini Bottom, success can even be found under a rock.