Blood is Thicker Than Grease/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Blood is Thicker Than Grease" from season 14, which aired on July 15, 2024.

• [The episode opens with an exterior shot of the Chum Bucket. Plankton appears to be making a new invention, which looks like a foot on a metal pole with controls on top.]
• Plankton: [grunting, throws wrench away] Yes! My new tootsie trampler is finally complete! [takes out remote] At last, I will be the stomper, not the stompee! [presses button, laughs maniacally]
• [The tootsie trampler stomps up and down. It shakes the floor, bouncing Plankton and making him land under it. It stomps him repeatedly.]
• Plankton: Whoa! Ouch! Karen! [gets squished into different forms] Help!
• [A car horn sounds outside.]
• Karen: [pressing remote, machine stops] I think we have company. [looks at Plankton stuck the bottom of the tootsie trampler]
• Plankton: [groans]
• Karen: Oh, here, let's exfoliate you. [scrapes him off it with a spatula]
• Plankton: [groans, lands, runs outside as the car horn honks again] Who is that?
• [Outside, an old-looking jalopy pulls up. There is a giant chrome trailer being hauled behind it.]
• Plankton: Holy moly macaroonie! [walks up] Huh? Huh? [gets crushed by the stepladder coming down] Augh! [crawls out, grunts] Eh...
• [Plankton's parents jump out of the door and land on the step.]
• Ma and Pa: [grunt] Howdy, son!
• Plankton: Ma? Pa?
• Pa: [pointing to her] Karen? Is that a new monitor?
• Karen: [blushes] Oh, you charmer! [giggles]
• Ma: [hits Pa with a rolling pin from her hair] Knock it off, Romeo!
• Pa: Oh!
• Plankton: Huh? [looks at the chrome "P" insignia above the door, which gleams] How could you afford this [jumps] ridiculous monstrosity?
• Pa: Your ma and me won the [holds out wad of money] lottery!
• Ma: [smiles, shows a gold tooth] Ha ha!
• Pa: So we moved to the big city! [runs next to Plankton] Just like our [pokes Plankton] too-fancy-for-pants son!
• Plankton: [hides face] Ugh.
• Ma: We even got ourselves a butler!
• [Regigilled comes walking up, holding a golden spitoon.]
• Regigilled: Your spitoon, madam. [leans down, Ma and Pa spit in his face, he wipes it off] Very good.
• Pa: [grabs Plankton's hand] Want a tour of the ve-hicle?
• Plankton: Not really!
• Pa: [jumps in with him] Come on in!
• [Inside the trailer are a bunch of fancy decorations, including a statue and crystal chandelier.]
• Plankton: Oh, real classy. [grumbles]
• Pa: Purty fancy, ain't it?
• Plankton: That depends on your definition of pretty, [leans against boiler, hand burns] and fancy. [hand lights on fire, screams and gets burnt]
• Pa: Our new homestead on wheels has all the creature comforts!
• Ma: Like this [rubbing a trough] velvet feeding trough for Elmer! [dumps a bucket of slop in it, throws it away, a worm hog comes in and starts eating the slop] Now he can wallow in luxury instead of filth!
• Plankton: [gets eaten by Elmer] No! Elmer! Put me down! [screams, gets spit out]
• [An outhouse with a heart on the front is seen behind the trailer. Ma and Pa each sit on adjacent toilets. Plankton looks on.]
• Ma: And a side-by-side outhose [they put their hands on each other's toilet handles] for them romantical evenings! [they flush each other's toilets and kiss]
• [Cut back to the inside of the trailer.]
• Pa: Plus, there's room for the [many Planktons appear from parts of the furniture] whole Plankton clan!
• Planktons: Howdy! / Cousin!
• Plankton: [groans] Hello. [walks out of the trailer with his parents] So, how long are you visiting for? Seven, five, [points to a watch] maybe three minutes?
• Ma: We're here to stay, son! [puts her arm around him] We're following your lead and starting up [pulls him closer and waves her hand] our own restaurant!
• [Pa takes out a remote. A rocket comes out of the trailer and unfurls into its own restaurant, the Spud Bucket, right next to the Chum Bucket.]
• Pa: The Spud Bucket!
• [Plankton and his parents enter. The restaurant is full of potatoes and pictures of them.]
• Plankton: What in the what? [looks at the potato-themed decorations]
• Pa: Guess what's on the menu?
• Plankton: Let me guess, potatoes?
• Ma: Aw, you done peeked! [holds up a raw potato between two slices of bread] We got tater sandwiches...
• Pa: [holds up a pie slice with a raw potato on it] Spud cakes! [shoves it in Plankton's mouth]
• Plankton: [disgusted reaction]
• Ma: Fresh squeezed [points] tater juice!
• Cousin Cletus: [laughs, squeezes potato into glass twice, then squeezes it at Plankton]
• Plankton: [gets hit by potato juice, eye burns, screams]
• Pa: [puts arm around Plankton] And fer the kids, [points] tater balloons!
• [Three kids are holding potatoes on strings. They fall and hit them on the head.]
• Kids: Ow!
• [Pa and Plankton are standing next to a potato with wires sticking out of it. Karen leans in.]
• Pa: And the coup de grace (mispronounced "grassy"), spud su-prise! [calling out] Oh, Cousin Cletus!
• Cletus: Yep! [jumps down with detonator] Did somebody say surprise? [blasts potato in Plankton and Karen's monitor] Yee-hee-hoo!
• Karen: [wipes potato off with windshield wipers] Eh. So much for my new monitor.
• Plankton: [jumps to entrance] Yeah, that's fine. It's also stupid! No one's going to eat at a restaurant that only serves potatoes!
• [An anchovy with mismatched legs comes by.]
• Anchovy: Oh, boy! [opens doors to show him in a trench coat with another fish beneath him]
• Fish: Potatoes!
• Anchovy: [calling out to citizens] Hey, everybody! This place sells nothing but potatoes!
• Girl fish: Potato? Ooh! [runs into Krusty Krab, where Bubble Bass finishes off a Krabby Patty] Hey! There's a new potato restaurant across the street!
• Bubble Bass: I never say no to a [puts on bib with potato on it] starchy tuber. [lifts out Krabby Patty on his tongue and flings it away, runs away giggling]
• [Krabby Patties hit Mr. Krabs' door. He steps out.]
• Girl fish #1: Oh, boy!
• Male fish: Let's go!
• Girl fish #2: Potatoes!
• Father: Run to the potatoes, son!
• Scooter: [takes back money from Squidward] I'm gonna need this for spuds!
• Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Where is everybody goin'?
• [Cut to the Spud Bucket. Some Planktons are serving a potato to a female fish. Bubble Bass is at the register.]
• Bubble Bass: One of everything, please!
• [The customers run in and step on Plankton.]
• Plankton: [yells]
• Male fish #2: Lots of potatoes, with extra peel!
• Plankton: [screams, hits Karen and lands on her] Karen?
• Karen: Yes, dear?
• Plankton: People are idiots.
• Karen: Yes, dear.
• [Karen goes outside. Mr. Krabs is trying to hold Larry back from going to the Spud Bucket.]
• Krabs: Wait, Larry! Wouldn't you like a nice, protein-packed [holds one up] Krabby Patty?
• Larry: Yeah, sorry, bro, but, uh, Larry needs to carboload. [runs into restaurant] Weirdo.
• Krabs: Oh, that was me last customer!
• Plankton: Hmm! [rubs hands together] Maybe I can work this to my advantage!
• [Karen comes into the Krusty Krab, with Plankton riding on her. Mr. Krabs is crying as Squidward cuts a bonsai tree.]
• Mr. Krabs: [crying]
• Squidward: [humming]
• SpongeBob: [scraping table with spatula] Order up. [falls on floor and spins around, bites table] Order up. [falls backwards]
• Plankton: Aw, business a little slow today, Krabs?
• Krabs: That Spud Bucket has siphoned off all me customers!
• Plankton: My family's new restaurant has put you out of business! You may as well just [holds out hand] give me the formula. You got no use for it now!
• Krabs: [sighs] You're right. Boyo, come here.
• [SpongeBob steps in, Mr. Krabs punches his eyes like using a keypad, and SpongeBob spits out the formula bottle.]
• Krabs: [takes formula] You win, Plankton. [holds it out] Since no one wants Krabby Patties anymore, [covers eyes] me formula... [smiles] is worthless.
• Plankton: [mouth wide, gets formula] Yes! With this worthless formula, I can take over the world!
• Karen: Does that make your plan for world domination worthless too?
• Plankton: Wait a minute. [formula slides out of his hands] Oh, no. Karen, take me home. [grabs her and she drags him away]
• Karen: Oh, muffin...
• [Plankton gets dragged out of the restaurant. Krabs takes back the formula and laughs.]
• Krabs: [laughs]
• SpongeBob: What's so funny, Mr. Krabs?
• Krabs: [puts hands behind back] Oh-ho, nothing. I just set a series of events in motion that will soon solve [waves hand] all our problems.
• Plankton: [pacing] How am I gonna shut down that stupid Spud Bucket?
• Karen: Why don't you call the health inspector? He shuts us down every week!
• Plankton: Karen, you're a genius! And since I built you, [takes out phone] that makes me a double genius! [dials phone]
• Health inspector: [on phone] Bikini Bottom Health Department.
• [Live-action potatoes transition to Plankton, who is standing on Karen's shoulder, taking the health inspector through the Spud Bucket.]
• Plankton: Just look at it! This joint is completely infested with vermin! [goes into the kitchen] The vermins are even preparing the food!
• [The health inspector takes out a magnifying glass to look at a potato. Planktons are ice skating on it with butter pads as skates.]
• Planktons: [singing]
• Health inspector: Oh, my, this restaurant doesn't deserve an A!
• [Planktons crawl up the health inspector's legs and stuff money in his pockets.]
• Health inspector: It deserves a triple A plus!
• Plankton: What!?
• Pa: Woo hoo! Thank you! That's right neighborly.
• Health inspector: [holds up money] And thank you, sir, for your generous donation to the health inspector benevolent fund.
• Pa: Always ready to help the less for-tu-nate!
• Plankton: [facepalms] Ugh.
• [He goes outside and a line of customers run in and step on him.]
• Customers: [laughing]
• Plankton: [beaten up] Ugh. So, you want customers, eh? I'll give you a customer!
• [Bubble transition to the Spud Bucket. Karen wheels in a giant box on a trolley.]
• Pa: Howdy, son! What you got there?
• Plankton: I brought you a restaurant warming present, Dad! Behold, the Insatiable Bulk!
• [Karen opens the box to reveal Patrick in a hockey mask.]
• Patrick: [deep breathing]
• Plankton: Come on in, it's all you can eat!
• Patrick: [mask comes off] Oh, boy! [eats food from a customer's table] I can eat this! I can eat all of this! [runs to another table and eats the food, throws a woman off her chair] I can eat this!
• [A fish finishes eating and has a big belly.]
• Patrick: [runs up] I can eat, uh -- [notices the plate is empty] aww... [pushes the fish's belly to make him spit the potato out, then bites it, runs into the kitchen giggling]
• Ma: Hey!
• Plankton: [rubbing hands together] So long, Spud Bucket.
• Pa: Woo-hoo! Woo! Yee-haw!
• Plankton: Huh?
• [Plankton and Karen come into the kitchen. Ma is dumping potatoes into Patrick's mouth and he chews them.]
• Ma: Well, I just have to thank you! This Patrick feller is the jim dandiest tater masher I ever did see!
• [Pa hits Patrick with a hammer and he spits the mashed potatoes into a bowl. Pa throws a potato at him and he swallows it.]
• Patrick: [laughs and claps like a seal]
• [Plankton exits, angry. He tears off his antenna and throws them on the ground.]
• Plankton: Barnacles! [screams in pain]
• [Krabs and SpongeBob are watching from lawn chairs, with a bowl of popcorn between them.]
• Krabs: [laughs, looks through binoculars] Things are going even better than I hoped! [eats popcorn]
• SpongeBob: I love when you get all Machiavellian, Mr. Krabs. [eats popcorn]
• [A trucker with a truck full of potatoes drives up.]
• Trucker: I got a load of potatoes for the, uh, Spud Bucket?
• Plankton: [wearing army uniform and holding grenade] Hold on! I got a delivery too! [bites pin out] Fire in the hole!
• [He throws the grenade into the potato truck. Potatoes fly into the air.]
• Plankton: Eh? [fries rain down, he runs around trying to avoid them, then trips on one, grunts]
• Pa: [bites fry] Mmm! This tater shrapnel is better than Frenchy fries! [shoves it in Ma's mouth]
• Ma: [swallows] Mm-mm!
• Plankton: [exhausted] Your awful Spud Bucket has ruined my plans to conquer the [throws helmet on ground] world! Now what am I supposed to do?
• Ma: Well, why don't ya come work for us?
• Pa: The Spud Bucket is a family business, and you're family, son!
• Plankton: [rubs head] Well, if I can't sabotage 'em, annihilate 'em, or [pounds fist] squelch 'em, I might as well join 'em.
• [Bubble transition to Plankton stirring a pot of potato mash.]
• Plankton: [scat singing, tosses potato in pot, jumps on a slicer to slice a potato into fries, uses a spatula to move a potato from the oven onto a plate] One spud du jour! [puts butter on a baked potato and scoops chum into it] You know, cooking food that people really want to eat... [Karen takes the potato away] actually makes me pretty happy.
• Karen: [serves it to Bubble Bass] Your tater, sir.
• Bubble Bass: Oh, boy!
• [He takes a fork and bites it, then spits out chum. He takes out a piece with a pulsating eyeball and shivers. He takes it on a plate to the register.]
• Bubble Bass: Excuse me, what is in [takes off glasses] this peculiar potato?
• Plankton: [comes out of painting] That's a potato a la Plankton. With just a pinch of chum for flavor!
• Bubble Bass: Oh, no. You're the chef? [calling out] Everyone! Put down your potatoes! Plankton is in the kitchen!
• [Everyone gasps. A kid spits out a boot with chum on it. A girl fish looks at a potato with eyes that blink. Everyone spits out their food, screams, and runs into the Krusty Krab. The Planktons walk out of the Spud Bucket.]
• Plankton: I don't get it. What happened?
• Pa: Guess our tater restaurant is a big, fat failure!
• Ma: Ah, well. You win some, and you lose some. [calling out] Cousin Cletus! Another surprise, please!
• Cletus: [laughs, detonates the restaurant]
• [A car horn honks and the jalopy and trailer come by. Regigilled is driving. Plankton's parents wave from the window.]
• Pa: So long, son!
• Ma: We're off to buy a football team!
• [The horn honks again and it drives off. Krabs is standing behind it.]
• Krabs: [laughs] Turns out [waves formula at him] me formula's worth something after all! [leans in his face] Who's the loser now, Plankton? [pumps arms] Surprise!
• Cletus: Did somebody say surprise? [detonates TNT]
• [An explosion. Plankton and Krabs are charred and in a crater in the middle of the road.]
• Plankton and Krabs: [weary] Surprise! [groan and faint]